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Burning Bridges

Posted by Velox , in Personal Writings, Literature May 05 2012 · 718 views

vignette write-off writing challenge
Another 15-minute write-off between 5 5's and co. that was written about a week ago. Even though it's kinda dark, I really like this one, and hope to expand upon the idea with a larger story at some point. Until now, a vignette:

Theme: Bridges

Burning Bridges

I was sick. Sick of myself, sick of whom I had become.
..........Death was a salient part of my life. I had gone places I wished I had never even heard of. Done things. Things that could only be described in a nightmare. And now I was that nightmare. A dæmon. A monster. An eidolon. I had passed the bridge of redemption long ago, leaving it behind and doing only what I was ordered to. Every day I had wished to go back, to turn from my ways, but I never did. Never could. I continued the appalling behavior, letting the demonic side of me take over.
..........I knew there was no going back, yet every day I still hoped that there was. A way to stop the wraith from consuming my being.
..........My reflection stared back at me in the mirror, eyes black as my soul, full of hatred and malice. I hated it. Hated myself. My fist flew toward the mirror, shattering it into hundreds of pieces. My hand bled, but I didn’t care. Pain was no longer a concern of mine. Today was the day I would fix everything. Burn the bridges that kept me from changing. Shatter every malicious part of my being just like the broken mirror before me.
..........I finished dressing, tying my tie and then putting on my suit jacket, still staring at my reflection in the mirror, now a kaleidoscope. Those dark eyes still protruded from the lightness of the room, but I could see a hint of light shining forth from the calignosity of my being.
..........I holstered my pistol at the small of my back and left the apartment, ready to take on my controller, the head of the mob family I worked for. No longer would my soul belong to him. No more would I do his every bidding, every atrocious act he ordered.
..........Once this bridge was burned, my soul would be free.

~ :: ~

~ Velox

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Ballom Nom Nom
May 05 2012 09:35 PM
Nice short story overall. :)

However, the last sentence bugs me a bit, with the odd mix of past tense and conditional making it sound somewhat awkward. I'd personally use the future tense for that, as it seems to express wishes farther forward than the rest of the story does. Possibly, "Once this bridge is burned, my soul will be free," instead?

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Yeah, that was a weird sentence for me when I was writing it...the story's in past tense, but really that sounds better in future, but I was out of time so just wrote it in past. I do agree that way sounds better, though.

Thanks for your comment. =] (and how've you been?)

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Ballom Nom Nom
May 09 2012 12:25 AM
It is pretty much personal preference for such minor word choices.

And I've been doing pretty well. I've had a lot to deal with irl lately, though.

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Jean Valjean
May 09 2012 09:16 AM
:kaukau: I think it was filled with far too many stereotypical phrases, since I'm sure I've read variations of that same inner monologue a dozen times before, although it was a quick and easy read and once I started I pretty much finished without feeling that much time had passed, so I'll give it quite a bit of credit on that front. Overall, while I don't know how much this would interest me, I'd classify it as above average and conveniently entertaining, which is more than I can say for most blog entries, which usually feel like a chore to read completely.

By the way, I recently discovered this blog, and I'm beginning to really like you, so I'll definitely be coming back regularly from now on, maybe even seeking you out in the BZPRPG.

Your Honor,
Emperor Kraggh
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Ballom ~ Good to hear, but yeah IRL can get really busy; hope it's nothing bad, but good to still see you on here.

Kraggh ~ Yeah, I see what you mean, and I'm sure I've read many variations of that as well. Though I s'pose it all comes down to preference -- I actually kinda like stories like that, even if I have seen them done a lot, depending on how they're written. Of course just the fact that I only had 15 minutes could be another thing; I'm sure I could've made it better if I had spent more time on it, but as that was the first thing that popped into my head, that's what I wrote. I appreciate it, though; I'll keep all that in mind for future write-offs, and thanks for your compliments.

Hey, thanks. I've seen you post around the forums and I'm always impressed with your often well-thought out posts. Especially your movie reviews, it's cool to see how in-depth you go with them. Hope to see you around more.

(aaand I should go to bed...I don't even sound like I'm writing in natural-sounding sentences haha, so apologies if I sound stiff or something)
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