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Mass Defect 7: A Wedding and a Funeral?

Posted by Janus , Jan 29 2013 · 197 views
Mass Effect, Mass Effect 2 and 3 more...
Mass Defect 7:  A Wedding and a Funeral? Being that last entry was totally non-canon and didn't count at all (what, did you actually think it was that easy to get the bad end?  NO) let's move on with the amazing adventures of Commander Wenglestum Sparklepants Shepard
 
After a moment of thinking, Wenglestum has perfect clarity of thought and responds to the Doctor, explaining quite clearly what her job is, and how soldiers get hurt because of reasons.  She naturally snaps at him and gets all upset.  Jeese, how rude?
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It's then that Wenglestum looks into Jenkins face and suddenly he can't control himself anymore.  The secrets, the lies--it's all too much.  What he feels must be public and to heck with the consequences!  With sweaty palms Wenglestum bends down to pop the question....
 
 
...and promptly gets dragged into the Captain's office by some Turian Spectre thing.  JEESE DOESN'T ANYONE BELIEVE IN ROMANCE ANYMORE?
 
Anyhow the Spectre proceeds to blab on about how the mission isn't really just boring stuff, but maybe exciting stuff will also happen, and then without warning the Captain appears in his quarters (What are the odds???) and explains that it's even BETTER, Wenglestum himself is under review for Spectre status himself!  He supposes he'll let the whole yanking-away-from-his-fiance slide this time--I mean he might get the power to do whatever he wants!  One could almost say he would get to skirt the rules--perhaps because of his money!
 
But suddenly Wenglestum is snapped out of his reverie, as the navigator patches through a feed from Eden Prime (the planet they were going to visit I guess?) and lots of people are dying.  Wenglestum also has to suppress a giggle at what seems to be a soldier dressed in white and pink armor?  I mean, how Gauche!
 
Shortly later Kaidan and Jenkins are on the surface of Eden Prime--and it has certainly seen better days.  They wander around for a bit (because seriously, Wenglestum's sense of direction is terrible.  There's a reason he's not the navigator of the Normandy--and also why people don't let him drive the Normandy) before Jenkins lets his PASSION get the best of him and runs ahead of the rest of the team--and is cruelly cut down in his prime.
 
Wenglestum stops for a moment, his entire world ending as he watches his fiance fall under a hail of bullets.  Full of rage and sadness he shoots the floating robot things before running over to inspect the body of his beloved.  It's time to make a choice--the entire mission is counting on him.
 
 
1. He deserves a burial - It was Wenglestum's fiance for heaven's sake--he at least deserves that much, right?
2. We can't help him now - The cold hard reality is that they're in the middle of an active war zone, and as much as he meant, he's done.
3. Forget about him - Wenglestum can't deal with what just happened.  He has to rationalize the damage that's been done to his life and treat him like any other soldier.
 
"Wheel of Morality, turn turn turn.  Tell us the lesson that we should learn"
"WIN A FREE TRIP TO TAHITI" (We won, we won, we won!)


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Mass Defect: Special Edition

Posted by Janus , Jan 27 2013 · 190 views
Paragon Lost, WHY?, Studio IG and 2 more...
Tired after a long day of doing whatever it is that he does aboard his ship, the proud commander Wenglestum retires to his quarters, eager to relax.  Logging onto the extranet, he finds information about a new vid.  Supposedly based on the hit "Mass Effect" trilogy.  Having no idea exactly what that trilogy is about, but being curious nonetheless Wenglestum pays his credits and the vid is streamed directly to his quarters.  At this point Wenglestum goes catatonic.  The crew discovers him in his cabin days later, his mind so far gone that he's unable to handle even the most basic of tasks.
 
BAD END
 
 
 
 
Okay seriously, I loved ME1, I loved ME2 (Lair of the Shadowbroker DLC <3) and I plan to love ME3 (Yes, I know all about the ending.  Hush) so I figured, hey, why not give this ME-anime a shot?  I mean it's Mass Effect, which I love, and it's Animu, which I also love sometimes.  Plus it's made by Studio I.G. who did GHOST IN THE SHELL.  What could possibly go WRONG?
 
EVERYTHING.
 
I mean, some of it was hilarious so I wondered if maybe it was going to be one of those "So bad it's good" things, but alas it can't even live up to that.  SO SPOILERS FOR MASS EFFECT PARAGON LOST BELOW.  But seriously, nobody cares because this movie is terrible and awful and nobody likes it.
 
It starts off with James Vega, who is part of a troop of Alliance soldiers consisting of:
- Vega (The Shepard wannabe)
- The Nerd
- The chick
- The sleazepile
- The Pilot
- The Sniper
- The Captain.
 
Anyhow they have to stop the Blood Pack Mercs from attacking this place because REASONS.  But the shuttle they're in gets TORN IN HALF by a laser--and they all somehow survive.  Because also reasons.
 
Anyhow with the cap out of the action, Vega comes up with a DARING PLAN to defeat the Krogans.  It consists of being dumb, but it works anyhow, and they take a Krogan prisoner of war (Which I'm sure happens all the time.  The Krogran love being taken alive and dying of old age, after all)
 
Skip forward two years and DEAR GOD WHAT IS WRONG WITH THAT CHILD'S VOICE.  Vega's a hero and people love him, except for the Asari who he is totally in love(?) with because she's all snooty and he's a dumb soldierman.  HE'S SO HARD DONE BY.
 
Long story short, collectors attack and people start dying (thank god) but the order they die in is something straight out of every stereotpyical horror movie ever.  Let's look at the casualty list in order, shall we?
- The chick
- The Pilot (Who happens to be black)
(Protip: If you see the face of the girl you like in and amongst 29 other metallic skulls trapped inside a giant death robot.  DO NOT RUN TOWARDS IT)
- The nerd
 
Also there's some silliness with the captured Krogan from before being like "YOU SAVED ME AND THAT MEANS I WILL FOLLOW YOU TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH" and I kept waiting for the betrayal but it DIDN'T COME.  HE MEANT IT.
 
And some other people die later.  But really, that's all we need to see.  Also the sleazepile has multiple death fakeouts before he finally dies in the end.  He is a bad person and I don't like him.
 
Also the 'choice'--well, let's put it up to the test.
1. Save the Asari you love and maybe loves you back?  Also has data on collectors
2. Save your Captain and ALL OF THE HUMAN COLONISTS
 
Also they tried too hard to make Cerberus the bad guy.  I mean when you have the collectors working for the REAPERS who are working to exterminate humanity, having this lame old human guy being like "NYAH.  I AM EEEVIL"  I mean we all know Cerberus is bad, but that's just silly.
 
Seriously, I just kept waiting for this movie to end.  If I had bought it (instead of renting it) I would have literally destroyed my copy of it. 
 
But yeah, actually answer that choice.  I'm curious as to what you choose.  He chose wrong in my opinion.
(PS.  Plz don't put Admiral Hackett or Captain Anderson in your movie if you don't actually get their Voice Actors.  Thanks!)


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Mass Defect 6: The Doctor and the Soldier

Posted by Janus , Jan 20 2013 · 180 views
Mass Effect, Mass Effect 2 and 3 more...
After a moment of soulsearching Wenglestum has come to the conclusion that he is Commander Wenglestump Sparklepants Shepard.  There's no way anyone would or could command him to talk to everyone in the universe!  Or at least he hopes that really, really hard.
 
However it has barely been a moment when he hears two of his underlings talking.  Loudly.  Like seriously, do they want the whole ship to hear them?  Wenglestum rolls his eyes thinking it might be a lovers quarrel before hearing the word "Spectre" usually that doesn't come into a lovers quarrel--or at least Wenglestum hopes.  (He doesn't actually know.  Wenglestum has lived a surprisingly sheltered life for growing up in the wasteland that is earth.  Nobody has taught him anything there is to know about the thing they call "love")
 
Standing creepily close by, Wenglestum allows them to finish their conversation before leaning in.  It appears a young soldier and the ship's resident doctor are in an arguement.  The Doc is whining about doing his job, and the kid is whining about not shooting stuff.  UGH WHINERS.
 
HOW WILL WENGLESTUM RESPOND.
1. Relax, Jenkins - Jeese man, the game has barely started yet.  There will be plenty to shoot (spoiler alert, there is plenty to shoot)
2. The Doc's right - The doctor has every right to whine about actually doing her job.  And the kid is pretty dumb.
3. Part of the job, Doc - APPARENTLY nobody told this DOCTOR that being a DOCTOR meant DOCTORING people.  Especially people who get SHOT.  JEESE WHAT KIND OF DOCTOR IS THIS.
 
"Wheel of Morality, turn turn turn.  Tell us the lesson that we should learn"
"Vote early, and vote often."


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Mass Defect 5: Passive aggressive for the winz.

Posted by Janus , Jan 15 2013 · 160 views
Mass Effect, Mass Effect 2 and 3 more...
Wenglestum has taken a long time to think about his response--about seven days honestly--which kind of begs the question of how/when he: went to the bathroom, ate, slept, showered, trained, brushed his teeth, styled his hair, shaved, and a multitude of other things.  But pushing aside those logistical nightmares Wenglestum responds to Joker with such a well-crafted passive aggressive attack that if you hadn't been paying attention you almost would have taken it for genuine concern.
 
Joker of course misses the entire thing and responds with "The captain always sounds that way when he talks to me" DRAT.  Another passive aggressive zinger foiled by Joker's semi-awareness.
 
It's at this time that Wenglestum (leaving the cockpit now) really starts to realize just how many people are on this ship--and thinking in broader terms, just how many people are in this entire galaxy.  I mean, surely nobody would expect him to talk to all of them and want to sift through every element of his conversation like some sort of insane micromanager.  WOULD THEY?
 
These thoughts weigh heavily on Wenglestum as he moves closer to the captain's quarters.
 
1. Will Wenglestum only post questions dealing with Renegade/Paragon options
2. Will Wenglestum post questions dealing with Renegade/Paragon options and anything he thinks is funny or interesting?
3. Will Wenglestum talk to everyone in the entire Galaxy. NO.
 

"Wheel of Morality, turn turn turn.  Tell us the lesson that we should learn"
"If at first you don't succeed, blame it on your parents."


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The Adoption is official

Posted by Janus , Jan 14 2013 · 254 views
Arsoadorable, Adoption, ToM
I am taking the briefest of breaks from Mass Defect (plus there's gonna be some changes coming to it anyhow) to announce that my wife Rebecca (Hahli Husky) and I are very proud to announce the adoption of our second child...Micah! He will be joining us and his older brother Yannick in being officially Canadian and also eating delicious pancakes every day.
 
THAT'S MY BOY.


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Mass Defect 4: You're not very nice, are you?

Posted by Janus , Jan 08 2013 · 213 views
Mass Effect, Mass Effect 2 and 3 more...
Our brave commander Wenglestump Sparklepants Shepard has come across two of his squad mates discussing the presence of a Spectre aboard their super shiny new spaceship.  Wenglestum, having not had his coffee that morning and being in no mood to hear the ironically named "Joker" spout off conspiracy theories grouchily snapped "Cut the Chatter" and satisfyingly both Kaidan Alenko and Joker did so--until Joker decided to open his fat mouth again and try to talk to the captain to warn him about the Spectre heading back to talk to him...
 
Only for the captain to respond "He's already here" as in "He's already here you dork, he heard you warn me about him.  Way to make our ship look like it's full of super geniuses"
 
Wenglestum has also been commanded to go discuss certain things with both the Spectre and Captain Anderson.  Joker wants to make sure Wenglestum heard, but Wenglestum can't resist leaving one final comment
 
1. Is He Upset? - Wenglestum wants to make sure Joker understands that was a silly comment in the most passive aggressive way possible.
2. I Heard  - Wenglestum is boring.  So boring.
3. You made  him mad  - Wenglestum doesn't even bother being subtle.  Joker you messed up.  Dork.
 
"Wheel of Morality, turn turn turn.  Tell us the lesson that we should learn"
"Elvis lives on in our hearts, in his music...and in a trailer park outside of Milwaukee."
 
 


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Mass Defect 3: Your Hero, Ladies and Gentlemen

Posted by Janus , Jan 07 2013 · 218 views
Mass Effect, Mass Effect 2 and 3 more...
Ladies and gentlemen--may I introduce you to....
 
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COMMANDER WENGLESTUMP SPARKLEPANTS SHEPARD (Or Wenglestum for short.  Because character limits are no fun)
 
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ANYHOW our new found commander is on board the Normandy SR-1, the highest techest piece of space shippery this side of the galaxy.  And he hears two PEONS I mean crew members talking about the Spectre aboard their ship.  More specifically he hears the navigator talking about how only a fool believes the official story.
 
HOW WILL WENGLESTUM RESPOND:
 
1. I agree - Agree with the navigator that something doesn't feel right
2. You're overreacting - maintain that cool demeanor that you might be well known for if you are known for that.
3. Cut the Chatter! - SHOW HIM WHO IS BOSS.
 
"Wheel of Morality, turn turn turn.  Tell us the lesson that we should learn"
"If you can't say something nice--you're probably at the icescapades."
 
 


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Mass Defect 2: The Adventures of Commander Wenglestump Sparklepants

Posted by Janus , Jan 06 2013 · 295 views
Mass Effect, Mass Effect 2 and 3 more...
What a completely unexpected amount of support on this completely silly idea!  THANK YOU GUYS AND GALS.
 
Anyhow, now that our Shepard is named (the best possible name) and assigned, it's time to decide what he looks like.  I will do this in the simplest possible way:
 
WHAT IS SHEPARD'S RACE:
- Asian
-Caucasian
-African-Canadian (+10 points because my wife wants it)
 
WHAT IS SHEPARD'S COMPLEXION:
- Yes Wrinkles
- No Wrinkles
- Maybe Wrinkles
 
DOES SHEPARD HAVE A SCAR:
- Yes
- No
 
DOES SHEPARD HAVE SOME PUDGE ON HIS FACE:
- LOTS
- Maybe a little
- He is a skeleton
 
WHAT SIZE ARE SHEPARD'S EARS:
- Bigguns
- Littleuns
- Middlesizeuns
 
WHAT KIND OF EYES DOES SHEPARD HAVE:
- Squinty
- Popping out
- Boring
 
WHAT IS SHEPARD'S OVERALL MOOD:
- Happy
- Sad
- Zoned out
- Neutral
- Angry
 
WHAT IS SHEPARD'S EYE COLOUR:
- Look just tell me a colour because I'm not going to list all of them okay.  There's a lot of colours I have to scroll through and I've already been through this character creation screen like eight times.
 
DOES SHEPARD HAVE LUSCIOUS HUSSIE LIPS:
- Yes
- Yes
 
HOW HUGE IS SHEPARD'S NOSE:
- So Huge
- Maybe not so huge?
 
DOES SHEPARD HAVE FACIAL HAIR:
- Yes
- No
 
WHAT COLOUR IS SHEPARD'S HAIR:
- Blonde
- Reddish
- Brownish
- Black
- Mix'n'match (One for hair colour, one for beard colour)
 
 
AFTER THIS WE WILL BE DONE WITH LOTS OF CHOICES.  ONCE THE GAME STARTS IT IS PRETTY MUCH BINARY.
 
OKAY I LOVE YOU ALL BYE.
 
"Wheel of Morality, turn turn turn.  Tell us the lesson that we should learn"
"Brush your teeth after every meal!"
 


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Mass Defect 1

Posted by Janus , Jan 05 2013 · 288 views
Mass Effect, Mass Effect 2 and 2 more...
Okay guys, here's the deal.  I've been wanting to play Mass Effect again anyhow (especially now that I know that MaleShep is from CAYNADA) but I've been kind of hemming and hawing about it.  I mean I already beat ME1 and ME2 using a Femshep and playing a full paragon like I wanted to--but I know there's so much I'm missing.
 
So here's where you come in!
 
I will play Mass Effect (and maybe Mass Effect 2) according to your choices.  I will leave each entry up for ONE DAY in which you can vote for the response I should take.
 
The only rules here are:
1. It will be Manshep, I already played Femshep and I love her dearly, I want to try something different.
2. I will not romance Liara.  I already did, we had numerous blue children and they are adorable.
3. If there is no clear majority I will decide whatever I want so nyeh.
 
THAT'S IT.  So let's start off with the first round of Options:
 
WHAT IS SHEPARD'S NAME:
- Commander __________ Shepard
 
 
WHAT IS SHEPARD'S BACKGROUND:
- Spacer
Both your parents were in the Alliance Military. Your childhood was spent
 on ships and stations as they transferred from posting to posting, never
 staying in one location for more than a few years. Following in your
 parent's footsteps, you enlisted at the age of eighteen.
 
- Colonist
You were born and raised on Mindoir, a small border colony in the Attican
 Traverse. When you were sixteen, slavers raided Mindoir, slaughtering your
 family and friends. You were saved by a passing Alliance patrol and you 
 enlisted with the military a few years later.
 
- Earth Born
As an Earthborn, you had a rough childhood in the slums on Earth and have
 a gritty edge to your personality.
 
WHAT IS SHEPHARD'S MILITARY HISTORY:
 
- Sole Survivor
During your service, a mission you were on went horribly wrong. Trapped in an
 extreme survival situation, you had to overcome physical torments and 
 psychological stress that would have broken most people. You survived while  
 those around you fell, and now you alone is left to tell the tale.
 
- War Hero
Early in your military career you found yourself facing an overwhelming enemy
 force. You risked your own life to save your fellow soldiers and defeat the
 enemy despite the impossible odds. Your bravery and heroism have earned you
 medals and recognition from the Alliance fleet.
 
- Ruthless
Throughout your military career, you have held fast to one basic rule: get 
 the job done. You've been called cold, calculating, and brutal. Your 
 reputation for ruthless efficiency makes your fellow soldiers wary of you.
 But when failure is not an option, the military always goes to you first.
 
WHAT CLASS WILL SHEPARD BE:
- Soldier
The Soldier is your pure combat class, they are those who use guns to solve
all their problems. They can use all 4 weapons without relative ease, the only
class that is able to use Heavy Armour and they have the ability to use First
Aid. This is the best option for first time players because its easy to use,
point and shoot. The class of a default Shepard or a quick Shepard.

 
- Engineer
The Engineer is like the Soldier, a pure user, but of Tech this time. They
are the masters of cracking locks and hacking into systems, and also hacking
and disabling enemy units. Since the Geth are electronic, you can hack into
them to render them useless. They are going to be a support unit, since this
isn't Battlefield 2 and you don't get a Shotgun.
 
- Adept
The Adept is the last pure user, the user of Biotics, or Jedi. With this,
you will be able to defend yourself with Barrier, or throw your enemies
to render them useless. However, they will lack the offensive power or the
tech power that would be required for an all round unit.
 
- Infiltrator
The Infiltrator is a combination of Combat and Tech. They have the offensive
hacking powers of the Engineer and the long range and close range stopping
power of a Soldier. They are a very powerful class, the other being the
Vanguard. With Combat and Tech, they can easily go through the game without
need for a support squad.

- Sentinel
The Sentinel is the combination of Techs and Biotics. This can be quite useful
but there lies a problems. You don't have the combat capabilities of bringing
down the enemy. This class is again a support class since you can't take the
enemy down.
 
- Vanguard
The Pure Jedi class, the Vanguard is one of the most powerful classes, they
can combine Biotics and Combat together. They however, lack the Tech powers to
take down locks and that will seriously undermine your support squad. They
can easily knock down foes, throw them and fire.
 
 
HOO BOY THAT WAS A LOT OF STUFF BUT WE'RE NOT DONE YET.
 
TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN WE GET TO PICK WHAT SHEPARD LOOKS LIKE!
 
 
 
"Wheel of Morality turn, turn turn.  Tell us the lesson that we should learn"
 
 
 
 


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Micah

Posted by Janus , Jan 04 2013 · 160 views
Micah, Kakaru, Presents and 2 more...
Is pretty much one of the greatest people ever.  He draws awesome things and he sends awesome presents and I really hope I will see him again this year.
 
THANK YOU MAN.
 
So seriously, everyone start talking about how amazing Micah/Kakaru is.  Because he's amazing.
 
(I got a cheerleader and a doofy tennis player, in case you were wondering, Micah)
 
ALSO WHY DID NOBODY TELL ME TOXIC REAPA HAS A POT BELLY???


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True love

Posted by Janus , Jan 01 2013 · 127 views

Is turning "We have no idea where we're going" into an hour long adventure.
 
Love you baby <3





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