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Please don't be

Posted by Janus , Oct 24 2012 · 567 views

Boys girls dudes ladies nice
Okay guys and gals, it's time for something that's near and dear to my heart. Especially with all this acceptance stuff goin' on right now. (which I love, trust me)

So I'ma just lay all this out here. Please don't be a Nice Guy.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying don't be nice. But a Nice guy is someone who wants to date someone, but is too afraid of asking them out, so they just be friends--all the while secretly wanting said person, and worse yet expecting said person to reciprocate. But worse yet when the person says "no" they don't want to date, a Nice Guy flies into a rage and badmouths their "friend" all the while moaning about how "nice guys finish last" and "girls only want bad boys"

I hate to tell you this, ladies and gents, but being someone's friend isn't like a vidya game. You don't "level up" friend points that you can then cash in for a romantic relationship, and thinking that it does work that way is just kind of offensive to the object of your affections.

This is why things like the "Friendzone" make blood shoot from my eyesockets.

So please don't. Just don't.

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What if you don't go the "bitter" nice guy route and head more into the "stalker who will never give up on her" direction? :P

I still think friendship should come before dating, but then again, I've never had a significant other so maybe that whole plan isn't exactly working...

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This is my error, obviously.

Every relationship I've ever had has organically grown a friendship, but I wasn't friends with someone simply because I wanted to date them, and when I presented my case I understood if I was rejected and continued to be friends regardless.

Also from what I've seen there is no difference between the bitter nice guy and the stalker. They're both Nice Guys who think they're owed a relationship.
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Agreed so hard man.

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Jean Valjean
Oct 24 2012 10:02 AM
:kaukau: Boy, do I know what you're talking about from personal experience. I never went on the "nice guys finish last" rant, but I did resent myself for trying the "leveling up" strategy where I thought I could eventually build up to somethat after the appropriate amount of Platonic rituals were executed. The part about being "just friends" while "still expecting [reciprocation]" is especially something I'm slapping myself over. Thanks for posting this.


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Oct 24 2012 10:49 AM
Or just decide to be celibate and inform the other person that it can't, won't, never will, nice try, thanks for playing, happen (I feel like that fell apart at the end, but I just have no idea why).

If you catch on to a crush and you know you're not going to play along, I say don't pity them and instead rip their hearts out of their chests and crush it into little tiny dust (Well, not like the evil queen in Once Upon a Time because that actually does kill them, but... It's a metaphor okay?! D= ).

If you notice it and decide to be the Nice Guy in that situation, you just end up giving that person false hope and then lead them along. I mean, it's great to practice hobbies like manipulating people like puppets, but doing that with emotions is really high level stuff that could end pretty badly. If you're being the nice guy, then you can't be above beginner status.

Also, if you're concerned about a relationship between two of your friends (They don't act like a couple at all, they don't have any chemistry, etc) and you decide to be nice and just say "It's none of my business" then that's also just being far too solicitous in my opinion.

Do people like talking about issues? Not at all. If you be the cruel villain instead of the nice guy, then will the other person flip out and complain irrationally? Most likely; yes, definitely. Life isn't all good and evil; it's a heck of a lot more than that. You can't be afraid of how people will react when you bring up a touchy subject. Will they be mad? Sure, but if they're really your friend (or if there's a chance that a romantic relationship would work depending on your position), then things will work out. If not, well... Life. Moves. On.

(Sorry for coming off so strongly... I kinda have a pet peeve with this kind of subject. ^^')
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The route I took was just about as bad... when there was a girl I liked, I told her, and she didn't reciprocate, and I said I was OK with it. And then, being an ignorant nerd who learned all he knew about romance from literature, I thought it would be OK if I continued to be honest with everyone (including her) about how I loved her, thinking that if I didn't expect her to reciprocate I was being "selfless" and that made it all OK. Needless to say, I was completely oblivious to the amount of pressure this put on her, and how I was totally lying to myself about not hoping she'd reciprocate.

Folks here on BZPower might remember who I'm talking about. I try not to talk about it too much nowadays because one day someone brought it to my attention how much I was hurting her, and I realized that I could never have a real friendship with her if I kept sending that message (however unintentionally) that there was some deeper level to it that she was expected to understand and reflect.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't wish things could have worked out between us. But I don't let myself confuse those for romantic love, because real romantic love is a two-way street. It's about wanting to be there for someone because they need you and you need them, not about one without the other. And I've gradually gotten the idea that what I need probably isn't her, and what she needs probably isn't me, and there's nothing either of us can do to change that. I do hope she finds what she does need, since she's not nearly as happy as she deserves to be, and I hope I find what I need so I can finally put to rest any silly lingering notions that "each other" could ever have been the answer to either of those questions.

I still try to be nice to her, but this time not because I expect any romantic feelings from her, but because I want to be a good friend, since I managed to fail so badly at that back in the day. So far, I get the impression that if I had just tried to be a good friend all along I wouldn't have hurt her so much, so hopefully that means I haven't killed any chances at actual friendship.
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Hahli Husky
Oct 24 2012 08:36 PM
Rob, one thing I love about you is that you were in a position to be the Nice Guy, but you decided not to. :) You told me you had feelings for me while I was in my previous relationship, but because you didn't want to mess up our Awesome Friendship with Super Awkwardness and Expectations, you said you were letting go of your feelings. Our friendship meant more to you than any sort of attraction you had to me. It was great that, after you told me all that, we did stay friends and nothing was awkward or upsetting at all. It was like it had always been with us. So later on, when I started developing feelings for you, it was just another thing I realized that I loved about you.

I'm not saying it'll go this way for everyone. Just because one doesn't play the Nice Guy or Nice Girl (they totally exist, too!) doesn't mean they'll end up with the object of their affections. But I can promise that being a good friend for the sake of being a good friend is much more important than having a romantic relationship. Our marriage is the greatest friendship I've ever been apart of. <3
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Also from what I've seen there is no difference between the bitter nice guy and the stalker. They're both Nice Guys who think they're owed a relationship.

This, because no one, and I mean no one, is ever "owed" a relationship. Anyone who thinks that you owe them a relationship because they are nice to you or do you favors or give you things and pressures someone else into a relationship because of that is not ok.
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