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Mass Defect: Special Edition

Posted by Janus , Jan 27 2013 · 167 views

Paragon Lost WHY? Studio IG James Vega NO SERIOUSLY WHY?
Tired after a long day of doing whatever it is that he does aboard his ship, the proud commander Wenglestum retires to his quarters, eager to relax.  Logging onto the extranet, he finds information about a new vid.  Supposedly based on the hit "Mass Effect" trilogy.  Having no idea exactly what that trilogy is about, but being curious nonetheless Wenglestum pays his credits and the vid is streamed directly to his quarters.  At this point Wenglestum goes catatonic.  The crew discovers him in his cabin days later, his mind so far gone that he's unable to handle even the most basic of tasks.
 
BAD END
 
 
 
 
Okay seriously, I loved ME1, I loved ME2 (Lair of the Shadowbroker DLC <3) and I plan to love ME3 (Yes, I know all about the ending.  Hush) so I figured, hey, why not give this ME-anime a shot?  I mean it's Mass Effect, which I love, and it's Animu, which I also love sometimes.  Plus it's made by Studio I.G. who did GHOST IN THE SHELL.  What could possibly go WRONG?
 
EVERYTHING.
 
I mean, some of it was hilarious so I wondered if maybe it was going to be one of those "So bad it's good" things, but alas it can't even live up to that.  SO SPOILERS FOR MASS EFFECT PARAGON LOST BELOW.  But seriously, nobody cares because this movie is terrible and awful and nobody likes it.
 
It starts off with James Vega, who is part of a troop of Alliance soldiers consisting of:
- Vega (The Shepard wannabe)
- The Nerd
- The chick
- The sleazepile
- The Pilot
- The Sniper
- The Captain.
 
Anyhow they have to stop the Blood Pack Mercs from attacking this place because REASONS.  But the shuttle they're in gets TORN IN HALF by a laser--and they all somehow survive.  Because also reasons.
 
Anyhow with the cap out of the action, Vega comes up with a DARING PLAN to defeat the Krogans.  It consists of being dumb, but it works anyhow, and they take a Krogan prisoner of war (Which I'm sure happens all the time.  The Krogran love being taken alive and dying of old age, after all)
 
Skip forward two years and DEAR GOD WHAT IS WRONG WITH THAT CHILD'S VOICE.  Vega's a hero and people love him, except for the Asari who he is totally in love(?) with because she's all snooty and he's a dumb soldierman.  HE'S SO HARD DONE BY.
 
Long story short, collectors attack and people start dying (thank god) but the order they die in is something straight out of every stereotpyical horror movie ever.  Let's look at the casualty list in order, shall we?
- The chick
- The Pilot (Who happens to be black)
(Protip: If you see the face of the girl you like in and amongst 29 other metallic skulls trapped inside a giant death robot.  DO NOT RUN TOWARDS IT)
- The nerd
 
Also there's some silliness with the captured Krogan from before being like "YOU SAVED ME AND THAT MEANS I WILL FOLLOW YOU TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH" and I kept waiting for the betrayal but it DIDN'T COME.  HE MEANT IT.
 
And some other people die later.  But really, that's all we need to see.  Also the sleazepile has multiple death fakeouts before he finally dies in the end.  He is a bad person and I don't like him.
 
Also the 'choice'--well, let's put it up to the test.
1. Save the Asari you love and maybe loves you back?  Also has data on collectors
2. Save your Captain and ALL OF THE HUMAN COLONISTS
 
Also they tried too hard to make Cerberus the bad guy.  I mean when you have the collectors working for the REAPERS who are working to exterminate humanity, having this lame old human guy being like "NYAH.  I AM EEEVIL"  I mean we all know Cerberus is bad, but that's just silly.
 
Seriously, I just kept waiting for this movie to end.  If I had bought it (instead of renting it) I would have literally destroyed my copy of it. 
 
But yeah, actually answer that choice.  I'm curious as to what you choose.  He chose wrong in my opinion.
(PS.  Plz don't put Admiral Hackett or Captain Anderson in your movie if you don't actually get their Voice Actors.  Thanks!)

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What could possibly go WRONG?

 

ecgw_zps528ec733.jpg

 

And then it did.

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Toa Smoke Monster
Jan 28 2013 12:08 AM

I choose option 2: save the captain and colonists.

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Ricardo Mason
Jan 28 2013 12:32 AM

I choose option 2.

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Hahli Husky
Jan 28 2013 12:48 AM

Option 3: Kill everyone including the Asari because you know you want to.

 

 

I know I do.

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I'm glad to see Bioware focusing on their beloved characters such as DIRK HARDPECK in their extremely high-quality spinoff material. :)

(I'm so sorry.)
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(I'm so sorry.)

Don't be.

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(I'm so sorry.)

Don't be.
 



No, no, I just meant sorry he watched it in the first place. I would never apologize for an MST3K reference.
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I love you all.

 

Also he picked the Asari and then went crazypants insane and the movie got vaguely confusing and somewhat interesting, but they were just terrible at doing flashbacks so it was bad again.

 

<3

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