I first felt emotionally directed towards the that one special girl before I ever even saw her. I was friends with a guy, paralyzed, who happened to be her older brother. I cared a lot for him. Then I found out that he had a sibling, and I thought that whoever she was, she must be a very cool person, naturally, having grown up with him. Several months later my infatuation was in gear.
Once he graduated and wasn't around in school anymore, I found other reasons for liking her. She's a farm girl, and she works very hard. I've been told that she could easily outwork anyone in the entire school, and would work even if she didn't want to. At the same time, she's tender, loving, and caring, and dare I say much more than everyone else.
However, she is not the primary individual I wish to talk about. The subject I wish to address is my father. He's always influenced me in a million subtle little ways, but I got into a conversation with someone I trust, and having brought up the girl I realized that my father has directly influenced me n this area as well.
My father was a hardly man. He tells me those glory stories of his childhood, about how hard he had to work and what kind of outstanding character he developed, much unlike my own.
There's an idea that girls fall in love with guys that remind them of their fathers. Some people assume the same is true in reverse. In my case, that might have been true. The primary thing I saw in her was her kindness, much like my mother's. At first. Later the first thing that came to mind was how hard working she was for her parents on the farm, and recently she helped build a set in the school theater, and I was in great awe of her character. In this way she captures the best distinctions of my father. Both of my parents, really.
A while ago I realized that if there was one person I didn't want to know how I felt, it was my father. As afraid as I am of rejection by her, I'm equally afraid of what he would say. I'm this miserable failure of a son, and I expect to win the favor of such an ideal person. She is this angelic figure in my life, and the more I see good in her, the more I see the bad in myself to be ashamed of, and yet she also inspires me.
It occurred to me that she is the child my father never had. She is the person my father always expected me to be. She is what he expects of my sisters.
What was my initial feeling when I thought of this? Perhaps amazement, perhaps shock, but for sure the materializing of the idea was dramatic. This means that Father has had an even greater impact on me than I thought before, to be in control of some of my deepest feelings.
I don't know what to think of this.