blogs_blog_1374

Okay, so obviously this is really late (about a year), but I saw this as I was browsing through a few old entries and it really caught my eye. I think this is incredibly awesome, and a great idea. It's kinda hard to put my feelings into words but just basically...I think this would be a great thing to do, and these are all incredibly cute things that couples can do together.

 

Y'know, when I first read though this, I was left with the feeling of "I don't agree with all of these" but, when I would try to think of a reason...I honestly couldn't. And now I definitely do agree with all of them. Maybe not that they all have to be done before a first kiss (although I definitely support the idea of waiting a while before a first kiss, and doing a lot of these things), but definitely before engagement. This is awesome, man.

 

It also really speaks to true love -- if you can do all of this, before even a kiss, then that really means something, and really just shows what that other person means to you. I wish I could go into more detail, but I know that I'll very quickly end up breaking a rule (most likely, religion) if I do, so I'll leave it at that. I definitely want to write an essay about love and relationships one day. I've drafted up about five of them, but every time they start to stray into topics that I can't talk about BZPower, haha. Maybe someday I can write a good entry that stays within the rules.

 

But seriously man, this is awesome. I know exactly what you mean about not creating an artificial relationship, and I definitely don't think that's what you're doing here. This is just an incredibly beautiful blog entry and thing to do.

i posted this in veloox's reblog of this but i guess i should have gone to the original so here i am!

 

my question is, what about when you're kissing people you're not in a relationship with? all these are geared towards people who are dating.......

That's an interesting question, considering that the meaning of a kiss is actually something that's subjective because it can very between cultures. The language I use here is actually quite informal, but the higher idea at play here is that a kiss is merely a cultural manifestation of the absolute known as intimacy, in this specific case of the physical variation. There are other forms of intimacy, of course, those being emotional, intellectual, and spiritual, but physical intimacy intimacy is something I interpret as something reserved for husband and wife.

 

Kissing, however, isn't inherently physically intimate. In some cultures, men kiss each other, or it's just a regular form of greeting. In these individual cases, I think that the imagery used in this entry would have to be translated to something else. After all, every culture and every person has a standard for what's physically intimate and appropriate only for romances. The basic rule of thumb, however, is to ask yourself "Does this feel intimate in such a way that I am acting on my passions?" If the answer is yes, then you probably shouldn't act out on it unless you know you're ready for commitment.

 

There is, of course, the possibility of kissing and it not meaning anything series. There are some who kiss and it's just that: physical contact and a casual sign of affection. Yet, there are times where kissing is kissing. With emphasis. There's certainly something going on there, in which case the kiss definitely fits the criteria of the internal dialogue mentioned above.

 

For me, I'm very conservative, and respect and self-control are huge deals for me. I'm weary of holding hands, even leaning on each other while in a car ride, and I probably won't do any of these until after I get married. I try also to avoid activities that are inherently passionate, such as staying up way too late and spending too much time alone. While these aren't physical, there's a level of emotional intimacy that may be premature. I'm very strict about what I allow myself to do, so ultimately I view a relationship as starting off via various Platonic rituals that are mutually healthy and not necessarily geared toward romance, because my priority in any relationship is that it mutually reinforces basic goodness. Only once this basic step is established do I feel it's right to seriously consider a more exclusive relationship.

 

Now with regards to people who are not dating and kiss each other, that really depends on what type of kiss we're talking about. There's the ritualistic kind, something that can be used simply as a means of saying hello or as a means of communicating trust or fondness. It's not for me, but I have nothing against that. Yet, if we were again to apply the test using the key words of "intimacy" and "passion", I don't believe people should. It's still acting out on an absolute, and out of concern for people in general I think it's respectful to be able to hold boundaries and keep them. A kiss might not be a sign of commitment, but it is giving away something of yourself (and taking away something fro someone else) that should only be reserved for committed adults.

 

This might be another thing entirely, but as an eventual parent I don't think I would want to see my kids date while they still lived in my household. I might flirt a little and get to know the opposite sex, but in the back of my head I honestly think I'll wait until I get established before seriously considering a relationship. This is, of course, subjective, and different cultures handle these things differently, but for contemporary Americans I think this is the most stable advice.

 

Well, I hope filled some of your curiosity on my views, and I also hope that everything I said is in a fundamental sense agreeable. If not, well, I can't be right all the time, but it's still imperative to think about this stuff because it fundamentally affects the story of our lives, and I'm glad that BZPers have stated asking these questions lately.

 

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[P]hysical intimacy is something I interpret as something reserved for husband and wife.

I personally find this rather disappointing, to say the least.

 

I try also to avoid activities that are inherently passionate, such as staying up way too late and spending too much time alone.

This baffled me. It looks like you're completely misunderstanding the word passionate, although given your word usage otherwise that seems unlikely.

 

For me, I'm very conservative, and respect and self-control are huge deals for me. I'm weary of holding hands, even leaning on each other while in a car ride, and I probably won't do any of these until after I get married.

But if neither person disagrees with such actions, how could any of them show a lack of respect or self-control?

 

~B~

A lot of this comes back to a discussion I had over a year ago with some people who did a survey for a class regarding the physical aspects of relationships, and I found one of their questions interesting, "Which of these would you consider sex?" followed by a check-off list of items. The list included all forms of physical intimacy, and in the survey some people even checked off "kissing" as counting.

 

At first that struck me as a bit extreme, but then I thought about it and I wondered "can I even think of a reason why they're be wrong?" And truth be told, once I thought about it a lot of these items were all physical manifestations of the same archetypal drive. Drawing the line at certain extremes to me is a bit subjective, like "it's okay to go this far but not this far." It would be simpler if you avoided the archetype altogether until you have established that you are right for each other, and since I believe in abstinence until marriage and my definition of sexual activity is quite broad (if there's anything sexual about any sort of physical interaction, I consider it sex), that means that I probably won't even touch a woman I have an emotional bond with until marriage, because for me, personally, I find it very difficult to separate touch and some sort of emotional pleasure. I'm sure there are some people who can do otherwise, but then, I think that once you get to kissing, especially in American culture, that there's something inherently sexual about it. Before marriage, I'd like to see people operate independently of that stuff.

 

Regarding consensual physical intimacy, I don't believe that just because something is consensual that it is right. If they go along with an urge that their relationship isn't technically ready for yet, then that shows a lack of self-control, and if you can't control yourself then you can't respect yourself.

 

I know that in these regards I am a purist and purism isn't very popular, although this is far from a war on people in romances. My hope is for people to discover ways of being more stable and find higher means of respecting each other. Now I am not so naive so as to presume that this actually translates into real life. Many of my friends have crossed the line at some point, as I have found out in moments of confession, but they haven't really changed in my eyes, and in fact I make no distinction between those who have crossed the line and those who haven't. People might think that purists are more judgmental, and maybe if I was a parent I would be (in which case I would be in a position to judge), but really, I'm not. Humanity needs recognition for the complex thing it is, but at the same time there need to be simple, idealistic standards set. My fear is that someday humanity will get bogged down by disbelief in its ideals and decide that since it cant possibly live up to its standards that it should deny their existence.

 

As for that instance where I used the word "passion" with regards to spending time alone together, I regret switching around words. I felt like I was using "intimate" too much and wanted some variation, but it came at the expense of using what I believe would have been the technically correct, albeit repetitive, word.

 

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I saw this back when it was first posted, and I enjoyed it once again with Velox's plug. This captures the essence of true love perfectly, which involve's loving others as well. I really love this kind of heartfelt entry, so thank you.

 

These entries are the single places where I wish BZP's religious rules didn't apply, because I would really like to read what you, Velox, Zarayna and others would say about these things, but I understand that a lot of bad stuff would be posted as well.