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The Business of Love

Posted by Kragghle , in Wisdom, Relationships Nov 01 2012 · 234 views

:kaukau: The misconception that a marriage is supposed to be happily ever after has fortunately been snuffed out. The common couple now knows that there will be arguments and disagreements in a marriage, even moments where passions leave them.

If this is all good, why do I feel that there is still something missing? Alas, I think it is because there's still some misconception about the type of people we marry. All too often, important matters of opinion are overlooked in favor of the passion of the moment. Religion, politics, money, and parenting aren't always the first discussions people have, and the last one in particular is a subject that's difficult to talk about without breaching the illusion of a platonic friendship. Yet, they should certainly be known before the committed relationship of marriage. Why, people might ask, should this matter if there are going to be arguments anyway? In my view, a marriage isn't necessarily about the fulfillment of feelings so much as it is about having a stable, positive relationship that produces something worth while. As much as I'd like to say that love is irrational, another part of me - the old man part - tells me that it's pragmatic.

So the strange analogy that my mind came up with, which was quite jarring at first, is that a marriage is sort of like a business deal. The wife comforts the husband's soul and the husband guards the wife's heart, but what are heart and soul for? When I think of my heart and soul, I don't think of emotions and feelings. I think of my will. So maybe loving someone isn't about falling heads over heals over them, or feeling them tug at your heartstrings, neither of which are behaviors that can truly be explained, but rather about things that can be explained. Like real world results. Like a bottom line in business.

Then I begin to think of my selfish desires. Think of the previous entry, A Bundle of Likes and Quirks, where it was established that people are far more than their personality traits, and that it's wrong to fall in love with those ideas, because the pragmatic objective of love is to care for a person. So what does it say about me if I find myself strangely attracted to someone and liking them on a sincere level. What does that say about me? Is liking someone the primary requirement for a relationship? Yet I wonder, based on my philosophy, if that's wrong, if I should be concerned at all with my feelings about the person, or if I should judge whether or not a relationship is worth pursuing based upon where it will go. I also called these initial urges selfish. Why? Once I think about it, basing love off of attraction is basically saying "I will be selfless so long as it benefits me", a contradiction. In the case of attraction, "love" is easy. What happens when love no longer feels desirable? What does that say about us with regards to our place among other human beings?

It seems to be that love should be an uphill battle. It shouldn't be easy; it shouldn't be convenient. it is, after all, the act of selfless giving, and selflessness is against our nature since by definition we can't be anything but ourselves. You truly have to make some sacrifices and go out of your comfort zone, all the while expecting nothing in return.

By these standards, a romantic relationship requires both parties to be strong. Imagine the man, a saint, and the woman, an altruist. After establishing their hearts and souls, they should be quite secure and in fact in no need whatsoever of each other. Yet, they go against their nature and choose, even if it might be odd, to give each other their love. Since they don't need each other, there's no needy desire for the other, although there is a desire to make the relationship work. After all, the relationship is an important tool for utilizing love. It's a business deal, and the couple are in the business of loving.

It's a heavy thought, and a bit jarring. For quite some time, all I have known has been the surreal pleasure of admiring someone's qualities, I've had my heart broken and I think I need to look for something else, something that will work, and one of the primary things I think I need to do is to love wisely and not look for something that feels right but something that's going to work. Or even better, I should stop looking. That old man in me keeps on saying "Son, just be a man," and since he's my senior, I respect him and have to admit he's right. So for now, it's best that I just do what I can for humanity without an agenda for myself, graduate from college, potentially join the army or air force, and when I'm ready and established accept a relationship the world will be better off for.

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I feel smarter after reading this.
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SkyLandOceAnna
Nov 02 2012 11:49 AM
I've never been lucky when it comes to the concept of relationships. I've never even been on a date, sad to say. Recently, however, I was sitting at lunch with my friends in mid-conversation, when a man walked by. I saw him out of the corner of my eye and froze in thought and turned and watched. He isn't like normal men, he goes against what my friends consider to be the social norms in society, but that just made him better. I hadn't ever talked to him or seen him before that, but in that moment, I had never been so scared and curious. I watched from afar for awhile, while my friends constantly ridicule me for liking someone and being too afraid to even talk to him. I have never felt that way toward a guy, so when the chance came because my friends had a friend that knew him quite well, I hid. I knew that their friend had told him however, it was so obvious by the way they acted. A boyfriend of one of my friends earlier that day went up to him and got his number and later my sister did, turns out the number was wrong. No wonder he didn't answer. Though disappointed, I wanted to break my fear, because I'd heard his friends talk about him and heard him a couple times for myself. He seemed intelligent, charismatic, nonhumanistic, sincere, and honest, so I wanted to be braver. I even got the chance to talk to him once, because my friends thought they were sneaky, but I didn't quickly leave or hide. It was really great, but once again my nerves got the better of me and I couldn't act like my usual self and just listened, which was fine with me. He had great ideals and he wasn't afraid to act out what he wanted to say and when people looked, I thought 'at least he's not afraid of what others think', which made me think of myself. My friends didn't understand why I was so taken with him, having only talked to him once and watched from afar, but I didn't care what they thought. I don't completely understand it myself, but I really wanted a chance, even if it turned bad. Initially, I believed that it's better to wait for the right one, instead of going through a billion guys to avoid heartbreak, but I thought he could be someone great to have a relationship with. I guess that's what caring for someone is, knowing that you want something good for them even if something good doesn't happen for you in return. Or taking a chance even having met only once, but hoping the other would see your commitment and give you a chance, even if you knew it wouldn't turn out how you hoped. So I gave his friends things I hoped he would like, just hoping to make him smile when he received them. I eventually gave him my number as well, this in more of a selfish state. Sad to say, he never called, but he wasn't much for his phone. He even yelled at it once. LOL! My time at the place where we both could see each other was coming to an end (I only have a couple days left) and although I know it was selfish of me and I was scared, I had his friend talk to him to ask him to meet me. I waited for an hour, but texted his friend at half an hour, saying I was leaving, but he didn't show. I shouldn't have stayed that extra half an hour, because I knew the result would be the same. But it was the last time, I told my sister, I would think about him, and I just wanted to hold on to for a bit more. I had learned a lot about him, about his past, his character, his religion, his political view, some of his favorites, his artistic and writing abilities, but he knew nothing of me in return. I keep hoping that's why he didn't show, maybe if he would've gotten to know me better, if I wasn't so scared of a guy, that he would have shown up. Still something I read tells me he probably wouldn't have either way. I know I said I wasn't supposed to think about him anymore, but it's really hard not to. Like I mentioned earlier, he's not like other guys, so I feel my situation is like that song by Katy Perry, 'The One That Got Away'. Now all I will have is memories of that one night where he talked and I listened. And for my final couple of days, I'll have to try and avoid him, so I don't have to feel remorse for letting this great guy go. He truly was great and I wish him the best of luck in his future endeavors and in finding the one for him, after he completes school of course. Good luck to you too Jean Valjean! Thank you! :
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Username: Emperor Kraggh
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