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Steamed Kau

Posted by SPIRIT , Sep 22 2018 · 241 views

Dume: Well, Vakama, I made it... despite your directions.

Vakama: Ah, Turaga Dume! Welcome! I hope you're prepared for some unforgettable Kanohi!

Dume: Yeah...

Vakama: Oh Great Beings, my masks are ruined! But what if... I were to purchase someone else's masks and disguise them as my own crafting? Oh ho ho ho ho... magnificently Makutaish, Vakama!

Dume: Vakama!

Vakama: Turaga, I was just, uh... just stretching my calves on the windowsill. Isometric exercise! Care to join me?

Dume: Why is there smoke coming out of your forge, Vakama?

Vakama: Uhh... no! That isn't smoke. It's steam. Steam from the steamed Hau I'm making! Mmm... steamed Hau!

Vakama: Turaga, I hope you're ready for mindblowing Kaukau!

Dume: I thought you were making steamed Hau.

Vakama: D'oh, no. I said steamed Kau! That's what I call Kaukau!

Dume: You call Kaukau "steamed Kau?"

Vakama: Yes. It's a regional dialect!

Dume: Uh-huh... uh, what region?

Vakama: Uhh... Metru Nui?

Dume: Really? Well, I'm from Ta-Metru, and I've never heard anyone use the phrase "steamed Kau."

Vakama: Oh, not in Ta-Metru, no. It's a Ga-Metru expression.

Dume: I see. You know, these Kaukau are quite similar to the ones they have at Nuhrii's forge.

Vakama: Oh ho ho ho... no, patented Vakama masks. Old crafting recipe.

Dume: For steamed Kau?

Vakama: Yes.

Dume: Yes, and you call them "steamed Kau" despite the fact they are obviously injection moulded.

Vakama: Ye- hey- you know, the- one thing I should- excuse me for one second.

Dume: Of course.

Vakama: Well, that was wonderful. A good time was had by all, I'm pooped.

Dume: Yes, I should be- Great Spirit, what is happening in there!?

Vakama: The Red Star?

Dume: The Red Star!? At this time of year, at this time of day, in this part of the city, localized entirely within your forge!?

Vakama: Yes!

Dume: May I see it?

Vakama: No.

Brander: Vakama, the forge is on fire!

Vakama: No, Brander—it's just the Red Star!

Dume: Well, Vakama, you are an odd fellow, but I must say... you steam a good Kau.


YouTube Rant

Posted by SPIRIT , Jun 15 2018 · 324 views

So I’m a productive adult. I’ve got a job and friends and things are pretty good when you average everything out. I’m entitled to a little mindless television every now and then. But, as a major cheapskate millennial and someone who hates media commitments because of how seriously he takes them, I don’t have TV so I just bum around watching cruddy YouTube videos in my recommended videos feed to opiate my brain from a long day of thinking and worry.

And here’s what grinds my gears, what gets my goat, what shivers my timbers, what rustles my jimmies.

When YouTubers state that their opinions are opinions.



You spineless, mewling milksops!

You can’t stand by an opinion? You’ve got to water it down with “oh just FYI this is my opinion don’t get mad pls”. WELL TOUGH TAMALES, AMIGO! THIS IS THE INTERNET! PEOPLE GET MAD! PEOPLE DOWNVOTE THINGS THEY DON’T LIKE!

I don’t care how mundane your video or your opinion is. Just present it as fact! Stick to your guns! That’s the difference between strength and weakness, and people are sure as heck more interested in that than right or wrong. Even if I disagree with what you say, I can at least respect you standing up for what you believe in.

Because like I was saying before, the internet hive mind gets mad. Whoop dee doo! Just ignore them!

As the saying goes “haters gonna hate”, or the more updated version “dab on the haters”.

You can’t please everyone, but at least please yourself. There are worse fates than being hated on the internet. “Oh I can’t say this, the Internet will get mad!”


An angry view and a happy view still bring in the same ad revenue!

Okay, that’s all I got.

But can we also stop with the weird standard intros to things, catchphrases, and stupid names for YouTuber fanbases? Like I get that traditions are fun, people like repetition, and inventing words is fun, but just stooooooop! For goodness sake, this part of YouTube culture is much worse than the whole inability to support an opinion.

It’s cool that you’re famous for talking to your webcam everyday, but try to get a little perspective on the content of your videos.

Okay, that’s it for me.

Be sure to rate, comment, and subscribe. Don’t forget to SMASH that bell! And let me tell you about my friends at some stupid website that sells junk no one wants.



The Jazziest JtO Spoof

Posted by SPIRIT , Mar 31 2018 · 356 views

Back when Journey to One came out two years ago, I said to myself, "hey, remember all those movie spoofs you wrote back in the day? Weren't those fun? You should totally write one for this Netflix thing because it's going to be around forever."

Then they announced the cancellation.

"Hey, it's still cool, it'll be nice to do one last thing with Bionicle before saying goodbye forever."

Yes, well, little did I realize that it would end up taking two years! Granted, I was finishing a master's degree, moving countries, and starting a career, so there were a few more things taking my attention than when I was a teenager going to school for 6 hours a day, but this was still pretty difficult. My standards as to what constitutes a joke have certainly risen since I wrote my first movie spoof back when I was 14, but also the dialogue in Journey to One was harder to intersperse with jokes and I've just become a lot more susceptible to writer's block in my old age.

However I did finish it.

There were many times I wanted to give up. It certainly didn't help that this didn't have nearly the readership the previous instalments in the series had, but I kept telling myself that I didn't get into writing for the praise. I did it because I had something to say.

Even though it was hard work, I'm glad I did it. A final homage to a franchise I loved so well. And now my legacy as someone who finishes everything he started on this site remains intact. (Please ignore all memories you may have of my many unfinished projects.)

If you'd like to check it out for yourself, I encourage you to give it a read.


Government Regulation

Posted by SPIRIT , Mar 02 2018 · 440 views

I've remained silent on this issue for far too long, but I can do so no longer.

While playing Fallout 4 and looking at an Achievement Guide, it was brought to my attention that some of the Achievements are mutually-exclusive to a playthrough unless you save-scum. Not only that, but other achievements are locked behind moral choices, but only if you pick a certain choice! That's not how Achievements should work!

Achievements should follow these rules:

1) A player must not be able to lock him or herself out of obtaining an Achievement. By the time you reach the end of the game, you should be allowed the option to return to all instances where an Achievement could have been obtained in order to reach 100% game completion. The obvious exception to this rule is games that are designed for multiple playthroughs.

2) No Achievement should require the action of another human to complete. It can certainly be an option, maybe in a game with online capabilities that someone could help you get an Achievement, but that can't be the only way. Humans are unreliable and untrustworthy and making others rely on them to get Achievements is only going to result in pain.

3) No more than 50% of a game's Achievements should be obtainable as part of completing the main story. No one cares about those ones! It's not "oh no, I had to work so hard to follow the neon signs down the path that the developers painstakingly designed for the lowest common denominator, I'm so glad I was rewarded for this", it's usually "oh... a consolation prize... yay..." It cheapens the Achievement brand, and it's just insulting. Sure, it can be handy to know how far you are in a game, sort of like announcing chapters in a book. However, you could just do what Half Life 1 did in the days before Achievements and just, you know, tell the player that they've advanced to the next part of the game? The only reason I could possibly see for not banning these (with the exception of an Achievement for completing the main storyline) would be so that you can check how far your friend has advanced through a game so that you can avoid spoiling what is to come next.

4) No hidden or vague Achievements. I shouldn't have to look up a guide to find out what I have to do for an Achievement let alone what the Achievement is. If they're hidden to avoid spoilers, find a way to write the description of what you have to do a different way. If this is hard, try hiring better writers.

5) If an Achievement requires the player to complete an action a certain number of times, there MUST be a visible counter to help the player track his or her progress. This is pretty self-explanatory. I should have to mentally tally how many times I do something or just keep doing something until I get the Achievement popup. The game is already counting for me. Why can't it just show its work? Lots of games already do this, it needs to be standard.

I propose that the governments of the world sign an agreement to make a Ministry of Achievements (or Department of Achievements depending on your government's terminology) that regulates all games their country publishes. Not only will this governing body work to ensure that the 5 Commandments of Achievements are followed, but they will also work to ensure that Achievements are challenging but not impossible. Hopefully this will permit the art-form to flourish and will prevent unscrupulous game developers from releasing substandard video games.

Please remember SPIRIT's 5 Commandments of Achievements the next time you're voting. Thank you.



Posted by SPIRIT , Jan 19 2018 · 505 views

Pope Gregory XIII was a doofus as was Julius Caesar. Did they not foresee the importance of a logical calendar in a technological society? Here are some changes I would make if given supreme dictatorial power over the Free World.

1) New calendar starts the day after the winter solstice (i.e. the winter solstice is the last day of the year). The days start off short, get long, and once they're short again we start a new year. I could compromise by going with the summer solstice or one of the equinoxes, but the current system of "ehhh, I guess we'll start the new year like a week and a half after the solstice" is stupid and dumb and I hate it.

2) 12 months, 30 days each. Months 1, 3, 6, 9, and 12 all get an extra day. That adds up to 365.

3) No leap years. The final day of the year will be 0.2422 days longer to help the rotation and the revolution counts catch up to each other.

4) Better month names. September, October, November, and December are months 9, 10, 11, and 12 just so that we could fit in two holidays named after emperors who have been dead for like 2000 years? That's insane. Nope, scrap the whole system. Pick some new naming scheme. Name them after stars, rocks, trees, historical figures, elements, or dinosaurs. The current system has no cohesion or logic.

5) Now that there's no shift in which day falls on which date, all holidays are static and better spaced out. Every month gets a holiday and they all happen either on a Monday or a Friday. None of this "oh, sometimes it lands on a Wednesday". That's not a lottery I'm interested in gambling at. Now I realize many religious and cultural celebrations may follow a lunar calendar or that certain groups may be attached to celebrations that are already tied to specific days. Well tough tamales! You should've thought of that before electing me supreme leader of the world.

I think that's a pretty good start, and it's pretty easy to fit a 5 step plan into my manifesto. I could go into detail on my plans for a 3 day weekend, second Christmas, or regulations about which holidays warrant fireworks and which ones do not, but I think I can save that for the supreme world leader election circuit.

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