Or maybe I won't even publish this. It'll just sit as a draft entry on my blog forever, tarnishing the lovely blue/grey/white colours with that faint pink and that blaring red that assigns it to the ugly and small "draft" pile. Perhaps I shall delete it all together.
I digress. Although it could be asked if I can truly be digressing when I do not know yet what I am digressing from.
Perhaps I discuss life. Or talk about love (because I definitely know what true love is like...).
Maybe I'll write about attitude. I like talking about attitude, if you can define talking as debating with yourself the various pros and cons on a subject that would infuriate every single person around you were they to know what you were thinking about.
For me, attitude has an inherently bad sound to it, although I know that it shouldn't. I mean, the word is just used as a broad term for your outlook on life, or maybe sometimes your feelings. But then, so often you hear "stop it with that attitude!" or "give up the attitude!", and eventually, lines like that drill a new meaning into your brain. It's like "hashtag" (for me, not for all of you). At first it was meaningless to me, because I don't really care about Twitter. Then it became some overused meme. Then I got into just tacking it onto the beginning of verbal sentences: "hashtag awesome" is one of my favourite things to say, and it almost always leads into a string of hashtagged words ending in "hashtag hashtag".
I digress again. I did not mean to talk about hashtags, it just sort of happened. That's me. (colon p)
Yes, that was on purpose.
Anyway, attitude. Going at it from an "outlook on life" sort of perspective, I realize more and more that I am all for the moment. As the moment passes, if I deem it worthy, I hold onto it to enjoy another day while I enjoy the next moment. If something is not remotely fun, I will forget all about it. Needless to say, school is... taxing. My greatest memories are from when I combined work and play. This past summer I counselled - I haven't spoken about it much to anyone except the people I worked with, because it's hard to explain. It's unfortunately ironic, but as an aspiring writer I find there are things I simply cannot describe. I could give you every detail about my summer and you would ask me "why was that worth telling?" and I would tell you "because some of the greatest moments of my life occurred, and some of my greatest failures and defeats as well."
I view life as a slide - there are a lot of other people crowding you on it, and sometimes you'll get stuck, or shocked by the static cling, and there are multiple different paths you can go down, but each one has a tight bend at the beginning that doesn't let you see very far at all. Go with the flow. Sometimes you need to stick your arm or your leg out, jam life up, and force it to let you go someplace else; but most of the time, you really should just relax and flow with it.
When I'm angry I gain a totally different viewpoint, but that's not important.
What is important is that there are so many things I should be stressed about right now. Am I? Probably, somewhere deep down, yes. Stress is unavoidable. However, when my friends and classmates are stressing out about homework and tests and the like, I quite literally do not care. Stressing is pointless; I was stressed for a long time a few years back, to the point where I will probably never fully recover mentally or physically from the experience. What I learned is to just let things go. It's a long process, but I have made significant progress. People are always surprised at how laidback I am, or the things I do. I'll run into them at the mall and we'll hang out, and it'll be "Voltex, you are really different". And it's because at places like school, I feel like a prisoner. And if there's one thing worse than being bored out of my mind, it's not being allowed any freedom. School drains me like nothing else, particularly the program that I am in. At school, I literally cannot bring myself to care about anything. At home, afterwards, I must force myself to do what's necessary to pass. As soon as I leave the restrictions I become a totally different person.
Many people in real life believe me to be quiet, reserved, respectful, shy, and unblemished by anything in the world. This is because I just don't feel enough emotional investment towards them to actually care about it, or them. But then they meet me (the real me not the prisoner me), and while yes, I'm respectful, and I'm shy as heck, I'm also not afraid to just go out there and do something. Anything. I will draw attention to myself when I want the attention drawn, I'll make people laugh when I want them to smile, and I will revolt and rebel to my heart's content, and sometimes more, because it's what I feel like doing. And to me, those are the memories worth making. People always tell me I should think long term. What they don't understand is that I do - I think more long term than them, at any rate. I recently saw an old Calvin & Hobbes strip that summed up my thoughts on the matter. In it, Calvin discusses with Hobbes the subject of homework. He mentions to Hobbes that his thought process involves the knowledge that in the short term, skipping his homework and going off on an adventure is more fun. Calvin then acknowledges that in the long term, doing his homework would help him to rise up in life. But then, Calvin notes that in the very long term, going on the adventure and having fun will give him better memories.
That's my thought process. I'll do the homework, and the tests, of course. But my main priority is not doing well in school; it's doing well in memories. When I look back in 20, 40, 60 years, I want to say that I had a great time, not a great work.
That's my rambles on life at 1230 am for today. Tomorrow, I discuss how I should probably be sleeping more.