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Unspoken Words



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22 years

Posted by Trijhak , Aug 22 2018 · 123 views

22 years of existence on this 22nd of the month.

Hmm.


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Fears and Hopes, Retrospection and Introspection

Posted by Trijhak , Jul 21 2018 · 126 views

I ran away from my problems for a very long time. At least since 2014.

It probably didn't help - and in retrospect it helps contextualise some of my fears - that I did ask for help, only to get none over the course of almost two years around that same time.

So instead I ran away from them, or distracted myself from them whenever and wherever I could, for as long as I could. If I couldn't get help, that seemed like the next best option. To just look away from it, and occasionally pretend it wasn't there. I distracted myself mainly through media and browsing the internet, often obsessively. The alternative was having to confront what - at the time, at least - could not be confronted. This obsessiveness doesn't come from that though, it merely only served to exacerbate the pre-existing obsessiveness I already had, being autistic.

Rinse and repeat for years. Years in which I barely interacted with anyone, besides maybe a few scattered conversations here and there with some people, mostly because they were the one starting it. In other words, I isolated myself from most people if not all. Yes, I know I played many games here on BZPower. But that was just another manifestation of what I spoke of above: running away and distracting myself.

It wasn't until half a year ago or so I finally stopped isolating myself. and thanks to that, and a lot of the people I met that helped me. They pushed me along those smaller steps you don't really have the strength to take alone when your thoughts are dominated by anxious ones. Hence where I am now: were it not for them I doubt I would have finally decided to stop running away from my anxiety.

Though now that I've had that support, those small pushes, that foundation beneath one's feet... I fear, perhaps irrationally, that I'll lose it again, and then where will I be? Would I retreat back into isolation, or would I push forward yet still? But... hmm. Perhaps that fear is just another manifestation of anxiety, perhaps because I am finally taking steps against it. In a perhaps cringe-worthy metaphor, I'd say it's scared it's going to lose control. I think, if I were to disappear entirely at this point, a fair few people would miss me.

I can't help but wonder, if I hadn't let my anxiety control me, where would I be now? But I guess there's no point in considering 'what ifs' and only being disappointed, there is still a future left unshaped and a past to heed.


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Some Hope

Posted by Trijhak , Jul 16 2018 · 127 views

Last week I finally went and got an appointment with a Doctor.

It went better than I had feared. All things being well, very soon I'll be getting some form of counselling/therapy.

I should have done it years ago, really. But that's the joke, isn't it. Not wanting help for often severe anxiety because said anxiety is telling you that you're better off with it or that you're faking it.

I let so many things, so many people pass by because I was too anxious. Sometimes ending up with regret, other times apathy. A lot of things left unsaid, thousands of words typed out only to be deleted. Things that I wanted to say but didn't have the courage to. A few people I wanted to talk to and yet I just stopped.

Even now, it's still hard to just talk, to articulate my thoughts.

Still. Enough obnoxious self-pity. There are people I do talk to. I'm taking small steps against anxiety. A lot of people have shown me their support, some of it unexpected. I'm doing so much better than I was at the start of the year.


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Anxiety

Posted by Trijhak , Jul 01 2018 · 188 views

It's like a loud voice in your head drowning out any other.

It's the voice in your head twisting a reasonable course of action into one that seems unreasonable and unthinkable, while it makes you take an unreasonable course of action, because it's telling you that if you take the reasonable course of action, the worst possible scenario will happen.

It's the voice in your head telling you to pity yourself, that you should be sorry for simply existing.

It's the voice in your head telling you to isolate yourself, because if you don't others will judge you and hate you because it's telling you you're a terrible person who's wasting their time.

It's the voice in your head telling that it's the only thing keeping you from being a worse person, that it's the only thing keeping you in check.

It's the voice that demands you do what it wants loudly.

I refuse.

I have found that even though it drowns out other voices... there are some it cannot drown out, once you listen to them. Another, more confident voice, strengthened by the support of friends; emboldened by the knowledge of what one is capable of; and actualised by the desire to finally get rid of it.

No more listening to that voice, which has interfered with so much, and helped never.


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Hi

Posted by Trijhak , Jun 12 2018 · 191 views

Are you okay?






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But that other thing...?

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I'm planning it.