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Oh, yes. He's a real beast! It's a wonder you're still alive.

Posted by Ymper Trymon , Jan 09 2014 · 135 views

oh wow shark arctic I see dumb people
So, I found the most adorably stupid Daily Mail article today - yes, I know, that's a tautology, but bear with me.
 
The article, you see, was about the Greenland Shark, a large, cold-water shark most closely related to dogfish, that looks like this;
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Now, most of what the article said in describing this "fearsome creature" isn't factually incorrect - they have indeed been found with the remains of polar bears, reindeer, and seals in their stomachs.
 
The article just failed to mention one thing - the top speed of the Greenland shark is about 1.6 miles per hour - somewhat slower than a live polar bear, but considerably faster than a dead one. In keeping with the tendency for these sharks to be mostly or completely blind (due to a parasitic copepod that feeds on their corneal fluid), and their goofy, mostly-harmless appearance, the Greenland shark is believed to primarily be a scavenger.
 
As the delightful Wikipedia article on this shark put it;

 
 Additionally, the shark's slow speed (max speed of 1.6 mph) limits its potential predation of seals to those that are asleep.

 
Fearsome creature, indeed.

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Look at its face. LOOK AT IT.

 

"Oh my picture? Okay okay okay hang on CHEESE"

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Ymper Trymon
Jan 09 2014 10:12 PM

Exactly. And the Daily Mail was making out like this thing is the most metal shark to ever swim the ocean, pulling a Jaws on polar bears on all that, when really it just gets sled dogs drunk when they eat it.

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Now I'm picturing the jaws theme song on a sleeping polar bear...

 

:music:

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