Jump to content

  • Log in with Facebook Log in with Twitter Log In with Google      Sign In   
  • Create Account

Welcome to BZPower!

Hi there, while we hope you enjoy browsing through the site, there's a lot more you can do if you register. The process is easy and you can use your Google, Facebook, or Twitter account to make it even faster. Some perks of joining include:
  • Create your own topics, participate in existing discussions, and vote in polls
  • Show off your creations, stories, art, music, and movies and play member and staff-run games
  • Enter contests to win free LEGO sets and other prizes, and vote to decide the winners
  • Participate in raffles, including exclusive raffles for new members, and win free LEGO sets
  • Send private messages to other members
  • Organize with other members to attend or send your MOCs to LEGO fan events all over the world
  • Much, much more!
Enjoy your visit!





Photo

We are Metru Re-Write: Sample from Chapter 1

Posted by CeeCee , in We are Metru Re-Write Jul 15 2012 · 94 views

I know I said I would do a lot of the story before I showed this but this is just a little sample. I just wanted to know what people thought of the change. I personally think there is a massive improvement. Read Chapter 1 from the old one on then then this and I will think you will find a big difference in quality. For those of you wanting action then I cant really do much in this little sample. This isn't really an action Novel. its more about the characters stories. There will be action though, don't worry.H however if the characters dont keep you interested enough then either Im a bad writer or this isnt the book for you. You will also find the chapters to hopefully be longer so that's normally good. Please give feed back. Good or bad.

For more info click on my first entry and/or "rinse and repeat". You will find all info out there. Dont complain its not canon. Okay here goes. I really felt as if I gave it my all for this. That doesnt mean its amazing but it does mean its the best of my current ability.

Hope you enjoy.


"Silence. There was nothing. Nothing but Silence. Not even the birds made a sound as they flew by. Vakama watched as Toa Lhikan’s lifeless body hit the floor. He watched as the trembling little Po-Matoran withdrew his knife from its back of the Toa’s head. The crowed didn’t cheer. The music didn’t play. There was nothing. Noting but silence.

Turaga Dume stood at the balcony of the coliseum. His eyes had changed. No Matoran had ever seen them like this. This was a new Turaga Dume, yet it was the one that had been there for so long. Unnoticed. His eyes read “Now, you obey me. Now you worship me”.
-“Today Metru Nui!” he said, his eyes narrowed. “Today, you have witnessed the Death of a traitor!”
His voice was loud and authoritative, but not so much a shout. It was the type of voice saying “Cross me, I and I will make you wish you were dead.”
Vakama knew that Lhikan wasn’t a traitor. He just didn’t know why the Turaga would lie. No one else spoke. Out of both shock and fear.

The coliseum emptied. No one knew what Toa Lhikan had done or why he had been executed. Vakama was almost certain of one thing though. That no one else would dare think differently.
-“Vakama!” It was Nuurakh, the Ta-Matoran Vahki. One of the six left from the Dark War. “Where are you going?”
-“Home” Vakama Lied. He didn’t know if Nuurakh had spotted this. Nuurakh knelt down so he was eye level with Vakama. His abnormal head faced towards him. His disk launcher moved like a mouth, but this was purely for show to make them look more Matoran
-“Look.” He said. “I know Toa Lhikan meant a lot to you and I know you meant a lot to him, but don’t do anything stupid. You and I both know that he must have been a traitor. For what reason the Great Turaga lie?”
-“Yes, for what reason?” Vakama asked rhetorically
-“Vakama?” Nuurakh’s tone was more concerned than angry. Vakama was going to carry on the conversation but he stopped himself. He didn’t know who to trust anymore. He thought he trusted Nuurakh but he also thought he trusted Turaga Dume. It was hopeless. He felt as though this day had changed him forever.

Toa Lhikan had always been a man of riddles. The last thing he had said to Vakama they day he disappeared was “Follow the stars”. Vakama had never felt so useless. Lhikan had chosen him for something that could potentially hold Metru Nui’s fate but instead he was stuck at the first hurdle. He looked up at the diming sky. The stars were coming out. He didn’t see anything unusual about the stars that could lead him on where to go. Then it hit him. That was the point. There was nothing unusual about the sky. Toa Lhikan’s Toa star was still there, burning as bright as ever. It was hovering directly above the Great Temple. “A bit cliché” thought Vakama “but it’s as good a place to start as any”. The great temple was sacred to all Matoran’s. It was where all the Metru’s met up. A Metru was a district for each race of Matoran. Ta-Metru was a fire district. Vakama’s home. Le-Metru was the air district, Ga-Metru was the water district, Po-Metru was the stone district, Ko-Metru was the ice district and Onu-Metru was the Earth district. Matoran from each Metru had their own characteristics and traits; some mental, some physical. They were the main inhabitants of Metru Nui doing different jobs around the city. The Great Temple was the only place in Metru Nui that didn’t belong to a Metru. Vakama had only been there once, when Toa Lhikan had taken him. Vakama nearly began to weep at the thought of this memory. Toa Lhikan truly had been a great friend and mentor.
He shiftily walked into the Great Temple. The Huge Statues of previous once a great and powerful Toa loomed over him. They watched him enter. Although Vakama knew they were just lifeless stone statues, he couldn’t help but feel their eyes were following him. He turned the corner and came across a massive Hall way full of statues of Toa of Fire. Toa Norik, Toa Vulass, Toa Kavara, Toa Marikan, Toa Rezan, Toa Dume… Toa Lhikan. Vakama’s observations were interrupted by a loud crash. He ran across the hall way to find a disorientated white Ko-Matoran on the floor. Vakama could see he had fallen from a broken stair banister. A tan Po-Matoran was standing over him, unable to control his laughter.
-“Hahahahahaha! So this is why I never see Ko-Matoran’s outside. Hahahahahaha! I used to think they were just sad no life, but now I realize it’s just because they would break every think they touch. Makes me wonder why you make everything out of ice.”
-“That’s it Onewa, I’ve had it with you!” The Ko-Matoran got up of the floor and raised his fist to punch Onewa. Onewa’s grabbed it, pulled it hard and then kicked the Ko-Matoran to the ground. Onewa’s face changed from happy to pure intimidating.
-“Sit down, Nuju.” At first Vakama though these two might have been friends joking around, but he could see by the aggressive look on Onewa’s face and the frightfulness in Nuju’s, this was not the case.
-“Hello there.” Said Vakama. Nuju looked grateful for the distraction, but at the same time mad at Vakama for not intervening earlier.
-“I’m Vakama”
Nuju got up from the floor. Vakama could tell it was a painful effort for Nuju to raise his hand for Vakama to shake it.
-“Nuju” He said. Onewa shook he head. He held his fist out to Vakama. Vakama mirrored it. The Ko-Metru had a strange version of the first meet, the called the handshake. They thought of it as more formal for some reason.
-“I’m Onewa” He said. He was confident. Vakama didn’t know what to make of him, especially how he was with Nuju.
-“Wow, look at the place”. It was a dark green Le- Matoran. “Not bad for a first date, hey Nokama?”
-“Oh Matau.” The Dark blue Ga-Matoran spoke. Too Vakama, she was beautiful. Her mask seemed to illuminate the room.
-“Oh hey look!” Matau spoke. “Look at all these guys!” He said excitedly.
-“I’m Vakama.” He said to Nokama. He held her hand in his for a moment. Their eyes met. Just for moment he forgot all about what had happened to today and grieving for Toa Lhikan disappeared.
-“Ahem” It was Matau “and you might be?” . Vakama’s hand let go of Nokama’s immediately.
-“Sorry” He said. “I’m Vakama”. His fist met Matau’s. “This is Onewa and this is Nuju”.
-“So it appears we almost have a full house, save an Onu-Matoran”
-“Actually, you do”. A black Matoran stood out from the shadows where he had been hiding. His black amour mad his dark green eyes even more vivid. He spoke carefully and clearly, his voice was deep but friendly. “I’m Whenua by the way. Sorry for appearing so rude, but I like to evaluate the situation from afar”. Seeing as you all seem like no apparent threat, I thought I would show my face”
-“No apparent threat?” questioned Onewa. “What about me?”. Nuju grunted but it came out louder than he intended. Onewa punched him in the arm. Whenua walked towards Onewa. Grabbed him with one hand, and thrust him against the wall.
-“That’s right, no apparent threat.” Whenua smiled.

The Six Matoran walked in silence through the long corridors of the Temple. It wasn’t so much they didn’t have anything to say, but the shear awkwardness left every one mute."

Please leave feed back and thanks for reading.

  • 0



Just glanced through, and I wanted to know about your formatting. Why do you have hyphens prior to each line of dialogue? That's basically never done in prose, so you should definitely remove it (assuming that the hyphens aren't just to mark dialogue for your own sake as the author).
    • 0

Just glanced through, and I wanted to know about your formatting. Why do you have hyphens prior to each line of dialogue? That's basically never done in prose, so you should definitely remove it (assuming that the hyphens aren't just to mark dialogue for your own sake as the author).

Ive seen it done in other books such as Paddy Clarke. I just figured it makes it easier to read. I know it does me. I am probably going to keep in in as they help me tell who's talking. I will remove them if it makes it harder to read for you. Although its an unusual format it is a real one
    • 0

-“Yes, for what reason?” Vakama asked rhetorically
-“Vakama?” Nuurakh’s tone was more concerned than angry.


I think the formatting there is a bit misleading. I'm not sure you meant to continue the italics for the rest of the "Vakama asked rhetorically" bit. Italics covering a whole line often implies a thought, as opposed to speech. This could go either way.

Other than that, it's a lot better written than previously, but you've still got the odd typo/mispelling in there.
    • 0
Well, plenty of books experiment with formatting. I could name a few books that use a script style to introduce dialogue, but the difference is that they all use this for a specific reason.

Paddy Clark Ha Ha Ha was out of chronological order and read like a ten-year-old's speech, but that was for the purpose of evoking an emotional response. Experimental novels are generally not the best place to get an idea of proper formatting because, for any weird format or style you can think of, a book somewhere has used it. For example, House of Leaves uses footnotes, color, empty space, backwards text, and a lot of other formatting oddities, but that doesn't actually mean that its formatting is one to be emulated without a goal in mind. (Most authors of fiction would actually really recommend against using footnotes unless they are both common and purposeful.) In other words, the choice to use a new or unusual format should be a very deliberate one, since it will inevitably call attention to itself. And if there isn't a clear point to this style, it will only serve to alienate the reader.

However, setting dialogue off from other text is quite effective for an author or editor (since it notes, "This is where the style should change and become conversational."), so it makes sense to keep it for yourself. But it doesn't have a purpose beyond that, so you should err on the side of convention.
    • 0

Quote

-“Yes, for what reason?” Vakama asked rhetorically
-“Vakama?” Nuurakh’s tone was more concerned than angry.

I think the formatting there is a bit misleading. I'm not sure you meant to continue the italics for the rest of the "Vakama asked rhetorically" bit. Italics covering a whole line often implies a thought, as opposed to speech. This could go either way.

Other than that, it's a lot better written than previously, but you've still got the odd typo/mispelling in there.

Can you tell me what words I have miss slept. Also whit the italics bit, did I do all of it on italics? I can never seem to tell Im something is in italics if look hard enough.Im glad you think its improved. Thanks for reading. I probably wont release until have a few more chapters done.

Seeing as I dont want to double post I will respond to BioGio as well.
I guess I will remove them from the text. The last thing i want to do is ruin it for the reader.
I thank you for reading to :)
    • 0

About Me

Name: Sam (CeeCee)
Age: 18
Birthday: 31st of October
Religion: Theist 
 

September 2014

S M T W T F S
 123456
78910111213
14 151617181920
21222324252627
282930    

Search My Blog

0 user(s) viewing

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users

YEAH BOI

Posted ImagePosted ImagePosted ImagePosted ImagePosted ImagePosted ImagePosted ImagePosted ImagePosted ImagePosted ImagePosted ImagePosted ImagePosted ImagePosted ImagePosted ImagePosted ImagePosted ImagePosted ImagePosted ImagePosted ImagePosted ImagePosted ImagePosted ImagePosted ImagePosted ImagePosted ImagePosted ImagePosted ImagePosted ImagePosted ImagePosted ImagePosted ImagePosted ImagePosted ImagePosted ImagePosted ImagePosted ImagePosted ImagePosted ImagePosted ImagePosted ImagePosted ImagePosted ImagePosted ImagePosted ImagePosted ImagePosted ImagePosted ImagePosted Image