I really just want to be happy. But that doesn't just happen after years of depression and anxiety. I would love it, really love it, if I could just not be anxious or depressed anymore. But I could move a thousand times and life could go perfectly and I'd still be stressed out.
It takes work and it takes time and there are going to be days where I'm just exhausted and miserable and don't want to deal with anything.
I dunno. I feel I've had a lot of pressure growing up that if things weren't perfect then it was akin to the end of the world. I feel like I was raised with that mentality. But alas, my life has been far from ideal or perfect. I wasn't ready for mental illness or pressure from being LGBT+ in a family that is heteronormative or just how far behind I got in the business of living.
So, I give up. I'll never have that perfect, ideal life I was trained to expect. And I'd love to say it's better that way, but it honestly is hard. And exhausting. And I don't always know if I'll make it.
Isn't that just disheartening?
So... I identify as genderqueer. That could mean a lot of different things potentially. For me it's... weird.
I kind of alqays identified with female leads in storytelling more so than male ones. I kind of realized lately that I think I hold myself to a feminine standard of beauty. Like for example body positivity is a relatively new thing for me. I feel like it's expected for men to want to be macho and muscular, have a six pack, be macho... I kind of find myself happier with the idea of more of a petit feminine figure. Of course with my big fluffy naturally masculine body that's just a fantasy really, haha. There has been some dysphoria, I think. I catch myself often thinking in a feminine voice. Sometimes how I wish I could look (sterotypically "pretty" for lack of a better way to put it) and how I actually am don't really match. Generally though I think part of this deals with the standards of beauty set by society and I don't think it's really healthy to try to judge myself on something so superficial.
So, yeah, I have some tendencies that make me feel more feminine than masculine.
I'm honestly not sure if I've ever really felt very boyish or masculine, really. I remember this one time I got a buzz cut as a kid and locked myself in the bathroom because I thought I looked ugly, hahaha. Though honestly while there is some dysphoria, I also kind of like that I was born male. It's more of a recent thing, I feel. I've been letting go of jealousy little by little (maybe from the fact that I don't look as "pretty" as I may have liked) and look in the mirror and... I used to hate how I looked, but within the past few years I kind of like that I look handsome. I have a cute jaw line, the shape of my nose, even my bulky figure and body hair. I even kind of wish I had a lot more chest hair than I already do hahaha.
It's strange, really, how I look at myself.
I'd sing in the shower and try to hit a high pitch to sound like the woman who sings the song, but I try too hard to compensate for my naturally deep voice. It's a different experience to realize that my voice is deep and I should try to sing like myself instead of an unrealistic image I have in my head. That slim figure I'm jealous of, that petit feminine idea that I have in my head... that's touched up Hollywood smoke and mirrors. Though it is also an influence on me.
I've been working bit by bit to feel more naturally... well, more like myself.
And I have a side of me that is a bit feminine. And there's a part of me that likes myself the way I am. I never really felt comfortable identifying as female, but if I said I was a cisgendered male, that also doesn't seem to fit.
It's... well it's strange. I never grew up knowing people could be queer and that's totally okay. I never had any resources to really help me figure any of this out. I would love to do more research on gender identity to help me figure this out more.
But I honestly don't really know where to look.
At any rate, I'm always learning more about how I personally view my identity and slowly but surely I've been growing more comfortable being me. As of right now I thing calling myself genderqueer fits best in its own weird way.
And, well, I honestly loved it. I don't know why, but I've always sort of loved cities. The people, the culture, being able to actually walk places... it's great imo. I haven't been to a large downtown area since my trip to New York City a couple years ago. I ended up exploring a part of Seattle where there was an LGBT community. Rainbow flags were on display in a lot of the shops and there was advertising showing gay couples. I even decided to check out a thrift store because it had a sign that said it welcomed people regardless of race, sexual orientation, religion, etc. The sign said "You are SAFE here." This trip was the second time ever I felt at ease in public in a long time. The first time was this past summer at Seattle Pride in June.
At one point I walked around the city looking for a park to kill some time, and I came across this cat themed book store. They had cats inside and they were very friendly. I was immediately drawn to the Queer Studies section. LGBT literature is something I have always been severely starved for. In my hometown in Ohio I looked for LGBT literature in my local library and only found one single book on the subject. So, for me, to have access to a collection of books about Queer Studies was kind of huge for me. Granted, I do have a kindle and if I knew what books to look for I could probably build up a stronger collection of LGBT literature, but as someone who grew up in a community where talking about homosexuality is somehow "bad" I honestly don't even know what to look for. This was honestly a first for me, to have that kind of resource where I could just browse LGBT books. And mind you, I have been to libraries and bookstores before, but I never found an entire section dedicated to Queer Studies. I walked out of there with five books which I am pretty stoked about.
So that was my first day. I did a little shopping and just felt at ease in the city. For me that was an amazingly nice change of pace.
My second day in Seattle I spent it with my friend. I met her when I worked at my previous summer job in Washington. She's one of the coolest people I've met. XD We went to an asian market in the International District. I picked up some baked goods (I love desserts and baked goods from other cultures because in America we kind of tend to have way too much sugar in our foods. I got a really nice green tea roll with red bean paste, an assortment of buns, and a cream horn. They were just factory made bakery items, but I was still happy with them. After that, we went to a ramen restaurant. We got vegetarian ramen and I ordered Octopus dumplings to share (as we are both pescaterian). It was a really good meal in my opinion. For the rest of my trip I had just packed my own homemade pizza and ate that the rest of the trip.
We also went to some thrift stores. I managed to find three pairs of shoes (which is amazing because finding shoes in my size is rare for me), a very comfortable sweater and a suit jacket (I have a wedding to go to later this year hahaha). We were both in food comas from the sweets and ramen at the end of our adventures. XD So after that we just went back to my friend's place and relaxed watching dumb internet videos until I had to catch my ride back home.
It was a nice full day.
One of my favorite things, though, is after it got dark and I got to see the lights on the Seattle skyline. No matter where I am, I love seeing city lights. There's just something enchanting about it.
But anyway, now I feel refreshed and ready to get back to work tomorrow. After a very stressful holiday season in foodservice at a new job, I really needed to take some time to relax.
Edit: tl;dr - I spent time looking at gay books while I had a cat purring up a storm in my lap. Needless to say I had a successful vacation.
So to keep y'all updated, I did go through with the move to WA. I have a room for rent in a house and my landlord and housemate are very nice people.
Being in OH with my family was a way stressful living situation so hopefully my time here will give me some space to breathe. Also, you know, it seems generally more LGBT friendly than where I was before. Like I'm still in a more conservative area, but nobody knows me here and omg that alone is so much less pressure.
But anyway, I've been improving at my work and I've been getting the hang of things. The holiday season was very busy and stressful and it turns out other stuff caused more stress on top of that (online dating profiles are hahahahababababababababababa)
I've decided to go full on pescaterian si that's exciting. I take a daily dose of omega 3's in the form of fish oil pills and just eat fish whenever I'm in the mood for it.
I got lots of love from some friends back home that I usually see this time of year, and I'm honestly touched I have people in my life who bother to miss me (aside from just blood relatives, mind you lol).
Adulting and budgeting and trying to save money is a new thing, but it looks like I'm managing it alright so far.
Other than that, stress is still freaking exhausting, but I feel like I'm overall handling it okay. It's strange finding new ways to manage stress after years of handling it poorly.
Also I live with dogs now and omg did I miss having dogs around.
Well, that's more or less what's been up with me.
How about y'all?
I GOT A JOB IN WASHINGTON AS A PASTRY CHEF AND I ACCEPTED IT AND NOW I HAVE TO APARTMENT HUNT AND FIND A PLACE TO LIVE WITHIN A MONTH AND THIS IS REAL ACTUAL ADULT STUFF THAT MY EDUCATION AND LIFE EXPERIENCES DID NOT PREPARE ME FOR.
WHAT IS? HOW DO?
But, like, everyone at work keeps telling me finding a place is the easy part and that I'll be fine and that is reassuring.
This is gonna be fuuuuuuuuuuuuuun.
I think the last time I was on here was before the start of my summer job. Idk dudes and female dudes, I'm too lazy to check.
This summer has been... an adventure so far. Things I've done:
I've cuddled with a couple of cute guys.
I've had my first boyfriend (that only lasted about a month and a half, but while it was short lived it was really sweet)
I made a friend irl who is a dude that falls under the LGBT spectrum. First time that's happened lol.
I buzzed the side of my head and rocked a Skrillex-esque hairstyle.
I gave myself a full undercut and cut my hair short and it looks super cute.
I got my first ear piercing (only my right ear).
Got a New! 3DS which happens to be the ugLIEST THING IN ALL OF EXISTENCE
Made employee of the month for the first time in my career
I came out of my shell this season and got closer with old friends from last year and made new ones.
I've lost 30 lbs (tho I'm still fat lol)
Also I came out of the closet this season and it has been a huuuuuuuuge weight off my shoulders.
Many fun stories that I cannot divulge to y'all here on bzp.
It's been a good summer. Life happened. Drama reared its ugly head. I got to have new experiences in a safe environment and express myself in ways I never have before. I'm going to miss it up here. I still have one month left, but the months have been going by rather quickly even when they seem to take a while to pass.
I'm really glad I came back for a second season.
That covers the long and short of stuff, more or less.
How have y'all been?
There is no Internet where I'm living now, so unfortunately I won't be able to keep up with BIONIFIGHT or BZPGOT. Hopefully it will be up by next week.
Aside from some very irritating drama, things are going fine. My roommate is nice and I start work tomorrow. Hopefully my patience won't be tried too much. Uuuuuugghhhhhh I hate stupid drama.
In the event I go insane and actually start getting involved in bzpolitical debate, members here have the right to slap me over the head with a random object of their choosing. Bonus points for randomness.
You are not allowed to diss George Clooney
I am not liable for any accidental slash pairings you may encounter while talking to me.
Josh is a Jerk
That one is my stamp.
A big thanks to the members below:
This was bad even by bzp blog standards
If I had a blog approval, i'd give it to you right now.
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tekulo, no matter how bad 2017 is, it will be better for me knowing that you went into it with the username "swagtronYOLO"
A winter holiday being celebrated in November? Obviously this can only be the work of...
September 14th 2016 will forever be remembered as the day Tekulo became The Smoothest Person to Ever Live
How am I supposed to travel all of these islands?
Lapis Lazuli your water wings let you fly across the galaxy I think you can handle three islands
Hmm... I really have no strong opinion of either of them.
Both of them probably suck.
We are gathered here today to honour the passing of Tekulo. Killed by a shark and shot by a bow. Some would say no one deserves such a death. Others say he was asking for it.
Ashes to ashes. Dust to dust.
Try not to worry too much about it. Deep breaths. Scented candles. Meditation.
Imagine a whale.
A majestic, fabulous whale.
She's coming to say hello.
She's getting kinda close and invading your personal bubble.
There's not enough room for the two of you!
No, whale, noooooo!
I thought about it, but that led me on this existential space-out stream of consciousness metaphorical...thing.
It was weird.
So, lesson learned: when interacting with the personification of a concept, don't try to employ that concept on them.
The joke's always on you. You're glue in a rubber band world.
I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT CLANNAD, BUT I DO KNOW THAT THIS STATEMENT IS COMPLETELY AND ANNOYINGLY TRUE.
INDEED, THE INTERNET SPOILS ALL.
(ALSO WHY ARE WE TYPING IN ALL CAPS?)
"She's looking for a decomposed laptop that sports a five o'clock shadow."
What is the location of a 2x2 LEGO brick that goes by the name Samantha?
----------- Sumiki's Dad on Samantha's Whereabouts
Ah, yes. "Hello, I'm calling on behalf of someone on the internet who says she didn't get her Delorean. No, I dont actually KNOW her, per se, or have proof she didn't get it, but she hates phone calls so this is a completely viable alternative."
Most people think puzzle games through and figure them out through intelligence and wit.
I just smash the square peg into the round hole until it breaks the hole big enough to go in.
Tekulo is the supreme overlord of lameness and illusory instigation and is far inferior to the illustrious and estimable Nuile, esquire, who is so awesome that a mere glimpse of his debonair, dashing handsomeness and general coolness blinds and in some cases melts eyeballs (note that I am not liable for any injuries acquired through staring at me) and is tall and eminent.
Tekulo in the Green → Black Six
Hello! Today it occured to me that I chat with a handful of staff members both on and off the site. this also made me realize they report directly to you. Whatever gossip they have spread about me behind my back, I assure you, is the truth (unless it isn't).
I remember wheb (edit: wheb is totally fetch and is in no way a typo)
- Steven Universe
- parroting entry
- Life update
- Gravity Falls
- gay stuff
- Once Upon a Time
- Emma Swan
- everything is
- What is this
- Video games
- Lapis Lazuli
- life is short
- Star Wars
- I dont even
- Name change
- Light and Shadow
- Srsly Tekulo?
Made my day. I would totally upvote this more than once if I could :3
Meanwhile my wardrobe is so vanilla that people chase me down the street asking me for ice cream.
I found a Voltex amiibo once. It was pretty terrible.
That's why I just don't follow Tekulo. You should try it =D
I get that, but that's not enough. Love can't be reliant on truth, I don't want someone not to love me because we don't believe the same truth.
Love is unconditional, love loves despite flaws. Love is selfless, kind; it protects, it hopes.
Love stops hate.
Love will win.