I also really like Catchy Song and Gotham City Guys. I mutter the lyrics to them under my breath as I work in a bakery to stop the dreaded feeling that life is terrible.
This song is now stuck inside my hea-a-a-ad.
I'm going through a long and expensive process of getting a new diagnosis. I am on new meds now. Some professionals seem to think I'm bipolar. We'll see.
So yeah I was reckless with my health, I was overworked and constantly making overtime, and by the end of one sour week I was jobless, homeless, and wound up working with a charity and then later transferred from two separate hospitals to a behavioral health center (which was actually probably one of the most helpful places I'd visited for me to sort things out).
So yeah, kinda heavy news here. I would like to say the last thing I need right now is pity. I always felt annoyed when people just say "I'm sorry" to this sort of thing when they don't know what else to say. I know I'm guilty of that too, but some of my favorite responses have been words of wisdom, or gentle encouragement, or even from some of my closest friends just saying "I love you and I'm here for you," or something to that effect.
I've been plenty scolded by nurses and a few other people in my life (with very much good advice, to their credit).
So all that aside I've been reaching out to old friends in Ohio. I've been cleaning my room from adolescence and doing my best to ignore the news. It's one step at a time.
I was missing my friends from the west earlier, but I realized all of those friendships and bonds were made in the past three years. I'm still in contact with a lot of friends, and I'm still in my mid twenties. I have so much longer than three years left, and if I can build myself a happy social life in three years, then well... who knows? This chapter of my life is part of the adventure. It may seem like a step backwards, but life doesn't stop, even for these kinds of events.
I dunno. The glass is kinda at an equillibrium to me at this point.
Life's been keeping me busy with work, walks, family visiting, the occasional (very occasional) trip to Seattle and procrastination on things that are important that I should be doing right now. I got about... five(?) hours of sleep last night and I'm at the end of my day so boy howdy that is a thing. XP (meanwhile someone out there reading this is on no sleep for the past three days and is screaming at their computer screen right now).
There's a lot I could put in a life update entry, and I might just get around to that at a later time. Right now, I want to talk a bit about pride month.
So yesterday I watched a candlelight vigil for the victims of a certain incident (which idk if I can talk specifically about here). But yeah... hearing multiple names and ages of victims being called out and realizing you fall into the same minority and age group is... sure a strange feeling. I've had people tell me that these are just isolated incidents and that it's not going to happen to me, to stop stressing out, but... hehehe it's not like anyone can predict the future and honestly the world is a wild place. News about violence against LGBT people is always a hard truth to face. Well, for me it is anyway.
BUT ANYWAY ONTO LESS DEPRESSING SHENANIGANS!
So, a while ago I started identifying as genderqueer. That was because I had no better term to describe my gender identity, really. I've talked a bit about it on here before. Well, recently I learned about demigenders. I looked up the definition of demigirl and I kinda realized that was closest to describing how I personally identify. After I read the definition, really read it, I kinda stopped for a second and... you know how you follow a really good mystery story? Like right towards the end when everything starts to come together and make sense and you see the solution at the end of it, you get like these goosebumps and a strange sense of excitement and trepidation? That's how I felt when I realized this was describing me. Genderqueer had always been a bit of a vague shrug for me. It's nice having a more precise label imo.
So, for those not aware, demigirl is a gender identity where someone identifies partially as female, but not completely. For some people they identify as primarily female and partly as something else, but not always.
Personally I don't think I feel physical dysphoria, or at least not to the point where I'd want to undergo hrt.
So, what does this mean for me? Well, it means I'm the same person I always was. Now I just have a label for myself that I feel comfortable with. And actually, for me it's a relief. Even if a lot of people aren't going to understand me with my gender identity, just knowing that there are other people out there that identify in similar ways to me... it's comforting to know I'm not the freak I told myself I was growing up. I know I'm not cis and I'm not in the majority or anything, but... I dunno, I feel more like a normal human being now than I have in years (and this after I've dyed my hair, worn cute necklaces, got my ears pierced and went through all these little things that guys just didn't do where I grew up).
I'm still good with he/him pronouns btw. I'm generally okay with feminine pronouns and things too, provided they aren't used as a means to ridicule me through misgendering (i.e. calling me a girl in a way meant as a demeaning insult. Yes, people still do this, and no it isn't funny. Hasn't been funny to me for a while now tbh).
So yeah. Demigirl, demihomosexual and very tired from a long day of work and a long many years of trying to figure all of this out.
This is who I am.
Happy Pride Month! <3
When I first heard that this movie was about a gay romance with a PG-13 rating, I pretty much knew I was going to see it. LGBT movies tend to be too trashy or too heartbreaking or too esoteric for me to notice. Granted I haven't seen too many of them, but in general none of them really quite fit. It's kind of like "even when it's LGBT oriented it still doesn't really pertain to me." Maybe I've just seen the wrong movies.
So my experience started when I first entered the theater. I was second in line at the ticket booth. I had gotten there about twenty minutes before the theater opened for the afternoon (they open 15 minutes before the first movie is scheduled to air). After I got a small soda and popcorn, I was the first person in the theater. Now, I live in a more conservative area so I honestly wasn't sure if anyone else was going to show (even though it was opening weekend for Love, Simon).
The first group to walk in was this group of teenagers. Not wanting to be a total creep, I didn't make eye contact, something I rarely do with anyone I don't personally know, and I browsed my phone. I couldn't help overhearing them, however. They were talking about whether or not they had come out to their family. Most of them had, but one of them said they hadn't. "My mom thinks I'm confused." One of them said and in response their friend said "Hahaha, it's cute that [she] thinks that." They talked about their orientations "I'm pan." "I'm grey asexual" and so on. One of them made a point to say that none of their group was heterosexual.
This struck a chord with me. I had known there were other kids who were out when I was going to school. I decided to remain closeted for a long period of my life. I went through most of my younger days dealing with everything on my own. It was difficult at the time. It made me really happy just to overhear these young adults. Throughout the entire movie they were reacting (just like I was) to the events onscreen.
Most of the people who came in after that seemed to be young women. There was one elderly couple.
One thing the theater seemed to lack were problematic men. That suited me just fine.
After the previews aired, the countdown for the movie started. I honestly didn't realize how excited I was to see this movie until just before it started. I was really optimistic. For the first time ever, t h e... f i r s t... t i m e... e v e r, I felt like I was seeing a movie that was made for someone like me. Even if I wound up not liking the movie, which I knew was a very real possibility, I knew that this was something that I never had before. Going to the movie theater to see a movie about a gay teen as the average joe. I never thought I'd have that experience, so to actually have it... I don't even know what words to use to describe how that felt.
As for the movie? Well, without spoiling anything, I have to say I really enjoyed it. I wish I had seen a movie like this one when I was still a questioning teenager. It touches base on a fair amount of issues that I personally related to, even if they weren't exactly the same situations. There was more than one scene where I felt like "Oh, Simon, I feel you, bro" and there was definitely more than one scene that got an emotional reaction out of me. In my opinion this movie doesn't waste a single minute of its screen time.
After the movie my head was filled with so many thoughts. This was an incredible experience and all it took was one movie that did a good job representing someone like me.
I really just want to be happy. But that doesn't just happen after years of depression and anxiety. I would love it, really love it, if I could just not be anxious or depressed anymore. But I could move a thousand times and life could go perfectly and I'd still be stressed out.
It takes work and it takes time and there are going to be days where I'm just exhausted and miserable and don't want to deal with anything.
I dunno. I feel I've had a lot of pressure growing up that if things weren't perfect then it was akin to the end of the world. I feel like I was raised with that mentality. But alas, my life has been far from ideal or perfect. I wasn't ready for mental illness or pressure from being LGBT+ in a family that is heteronormative or just how far behind I got in the business of living.
So, I give up. I'll never have that perfect, ideal life I was trained to expect. And I'd love to say it's better that way, but it honestly is hard. And exhausting. And I don't always know if I'll make it.
Isn't that just disheartening?
So... I identify as genderqueer. That could mean a lot of different things potentially. For me it's... weird.
I kind of alqays identified with female leads in storytelling more so than male ones. I kind of realized lately that I think I hold myself to a feminine standard of beauty. Like for example body positivity is a relatively new thing for me. I feel like it's expected for men to want to be macho and muscular, have a six pack, be macho... I kind of find myself happier with the idea of more of a petit feminine figure. Of course with my big fluffy naturally masculine body that's just a fantasy really, haha. There has been some dysphoria, I think. I catch myself often thinking in a feminine voice. Sometimes how I wish I could look (sterotypically "pretty" for lack of a better way to put it) and how I actually am don't really match. Generally though I think part of this deals with the standards of beauty set by society and I don't think it's really healthy to try to judge myself on something so superficial.
So, yeah, I have some tendencies that make me feel more feminine than masculine.
I'm honestly not sure if I've ever really felt very boyish or masculine, really. I remember this one time I got a buzz cut as a kid and locked myself in the bathroom because I thought I looked ugly, hahaha. Though honestly while there is some dysphoria, I also kind of like that I was born male. It's more of a recent thing, I feel. I've been letting go of jealousy little by little (maybe from the fact that I don't look as "pretty" as I may have liked) and look in the mirror and... I used to hate how I looked, but within the past few years I kind of like that I look handsome. I have a cute jaw line, the shape of my nose, even my bulky figure and body hair. I even kind of wish I had a lot more chest hair than I already do hahaha.
It's strange, really, how I look at myself.
I'd sing in the shower and try to hit a high pitch to sound like the woman who sings the song, but I try too hard to compensate for my naturally deep voice. It's a different experience to realize that my voice is deep and I should try to sing like myself instead of an unrealistic image I have in my head. That slim figure I'm jealous of, that petit feminine idea that I have in my head... that's touched up Hollywood smoke and mirrors. Though it is also an influence on me.
I've been working bit by bit to feel more naturally... well, more like myself.
And I have a side of me that is a bit feminine. And there's a part of me that likes myself the way I am. I never really felt comfortable identifying as female, but if I said I was a cisgendered male, that also doesn't seem to fit.
It's... well it's strange. I never grew up knowing people could be queer and that's totally okay. I never had any resources to really help me figure any of this out. I would love to do more research on gender identity to help me figure this out more.
But I honestly don't really know where to look.
At any rate, I'm always learning more about how I personally view my identity and slowly but surely I've been growing more comfortable being me. As of right now I thing calling myself genderqueer fits best in its own weird way.
In the event I go insane and actually start getting involved in bzpolitical debate, members here have the right to slap me over the head with a random object of their choosing. Bonus points for randomness.
You are not allowed to diss George Clooney
I am not liable for any accidental slash pairings you may encounter while talking to me.
Josh is a Jerk
That one is my stamp.
A big thanks to the members below:
This was bad even by bzp blog standards
If I had a blog approval, i'd give it to you right now.
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tekulo, no matter how bad 2017 is, it will be better for me knowing that you went into it with the username "swagtronYOLO"
A winter holiday being celebrated in November? Obviously this can only be the work of...
September 14th 2016 will forever be remembered as the day Tekulo became The Smoothest Person to Ever Live
How am I supposed to travel all of these islands?
Lapis Lazuli your water wings let you fly across the galaxy I think you can handle three islands
Hmm... I really have no strong opinion of either of them.
Both of them probably suck.
We are gathered here today to honour the passing of Tekulo. Killed by a shark and shot by a bow. Some would say no one deserves such a death. Others say he was asking for it.
Ashes to ashes. Dust to dust.
Try not to worry too much about it. Deep breaths. Scented candles. Meditation.
Imagine a whale.
A majestic, fabulous whale.
She's coming to say hello.
She's getting kinda close and invading your personal bubble.
There's not enough room for the two of you!
No, whale, noooooo!
I thought about it, but that led me on this existential space-out stream of consciousness metaphorical...thing.
It was weird.
So, lesson learned: when interacting with the personification of a concept, don't try to employ that concept on them.
The joke's always on you. You're glue in a rubber band world.
I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT CLANNAD, BUT I DO KNOW THAT THIS STATEMENT IS COMPLETELY AND ANNOYINGLY TRUE.
INDEED, THE INTERNET SPOILS ALL.
(ALSO WHY ARE WE TYPING IN ALL CAPS?)
"She's looking for a decomposed laptop that sports a five o'clock shadow."
What is the location of a 2x2 LEGO brick that goes by the name Samantha?
----------- Sumiki's Dad on Samantha's Whereabouts
Ah, yes. "Hello, I'm calling on behalf of someone on the internet who says she didn't get her Delorean. No, I dont actually KNOW her, per se, or have proof she didn't get it, but she hates phone calls so this is a completely viable alternative."
Most people think puzzle games through and figure them out through intelligence and wit.
I just smash the square peg into the round hole until it breaks the hole big enough to go in.
Tekulo is the supreme overlord of lameness and illusory instigation and is far inferior to the illustrious and estimable Nuile, esquire, who is so awesome that a mere glimpse of his debonair, dashing handsomeness and general coolness blinds and in some cases melts eyeballs (note that I am not liable for any injuries acquired through staring at me) and is tall and eminent.
Tekulo in the Green → Black Six
Hello! Today it occured to me that I chat with a handful of staff members both on and off the site. this also made me realize they report directly to you. Whatever gossip they have spread about me behind my back, I assure you, is the truth (unless it isn't).
I remember wheb (edit: wheb is totally fetch and is in no way a typo)
LEGO made a song with my kind of aestheticSuper Fighting Pahrak - Apr 29 2019 09:56 AM
LEGO made a song with my kind of aestheticxccj - Apr 28 2019 10:52 PM
LEGO made a song with my kind of aestheticSwagtronYOLO - Apr 28 2019 09:27 PM
LEGO made a song with my kind of aestheticTa-metru_defender - Apr 28 2019 08:15 PM
LEGO made a song with my kind of aestheticSuper Fighting Pahrak - Apr 28 2019 06:32 PM
- Steven Universe
- parroting entry
- Life update
- Gravity Falls
- gay stuff
- Once Upon a Time
- Emma Swan
- everything is
- What is this
- Video games
- Lapis Lazuli
- life is short
- Star Wars
- I dont even
- Name change
- Light and Shadow
- Srsly Tekulo?
Made my day. I would totally upvote this more than once if I could :3
Meanwhile my wardrobe is so vanilla that people chase me down the street asking me for ice cream.
I found a Voltex amiibo once. It was pretty terrible.
That's why I just don't follow Tekulo. You should try it =D
I get that, but that's not enough. Love can't be reliant on truth, I don't want someone not to love me because we don't believe the same truth.
Love is unconditional, love loves despite flaws. Love is selfless, kind; it protects, it hopes.
Love stops hate.
Love will win.