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Just a bit of backstory on who I am before I change

Posted by SwagtronYOLO , Apr 23 2014 · 1,021 views

Annoying stuffs They lie ahead Ye be warned
So I don`t really define myself with technicalities, or at least I try not to.  I also try and grant the same perspective to other people because that`s just how my mind has always worked.  
There is a member in my family that has different needs than most people.  I never really realized it until that family member met briefly with a childhood friend of mine.  I had always just thought of that person as another member of the family.  "Yes, that person acts differently, but Mom acts differently than Dad.  Mom is Mom, Dad is Dad, and this person is this person"  That was how my mind worked as a child.  I like to think I carry a fraction of that mentality with me even today, though honestly I have no clue if that's the case.  
I know it`s not always easy to believe other people when they say "I know what it's like to be..."  You can never just trust anyone else with your opinions, especially when you feel so personally and so strongly about that one trait that you relate with.  People build  morals, ideals and their very identityies around those sorts of things.  How can anyone trust someone else with something so personal?  Even so, I still try to get some sort of message across.  Just here and there mostly, but I just want everyone to stay calm and think important aspects of their lives over rationally.  It doesn`t sound like a lot, but sometimes people just can`t be rational or calm.  They`re too proud, too stubborn or they have something that just means so much to them that they won`t ever consider taking their ideals lightly.  And that`s fine, I guess.  
I am only 22 years old as of right now.  So, what have I learned?  Things change.  I used to be a bratty kid with a hot temper.  Then I was a miserable adolescent dealing with depression on my own.  Now I`ve gone through treatment and I`m actually more or less content with my life.  Sure, things aren`t perfect, but nothing ever is.  That`s life I guess.  But I`ve also learned that, yeah, I am different.  
Now, I don`t really have a label for myself that I fully appreciate, and I don`t keep up with personality studies, though I have taken a couple.  (DISC - I think I was an I\C?  Myers Briggs says I`m an INFJ).  Ever since I was a kid, I grew up overweight.  I know it`s not the most tragic thing you`ve ever heard, and yeah I am responsible for my own life choices and it`s not something that someone`s born with.  That`s just how I was and still am.  And yeah, I got bullied for it.  I never got beat up, but throughout my schooling I would be a target for teasing.  Some kids would hug me out of curiosity and tell their friends it was like hugging a big marshmallow.  My bad temper didn`t help me any either.  The more I reacted, the more it happened.  I ended up just shutting up and ignoring people around me.  That was a pretty unhealthy way to deal with it looking back now.  When I went through my depression in highschool and college, it took me forever to finally come to terms with the fact there was something wrong with me, and even then it took me longer to actually tell my family.  
I hated that I was different.  I didn`t feel comfortable in my own skin.  I would go for walks after school and other kids (while sometimes meaning no harm) would make comments.  I never lost my temper despite being quiet.  I wanted to fight.  I wanted to punch.  I wanted to scream.  But I put all of that aside.  It never got any better.  At least by ignoring they could have their fun and then get bored.  That was just the way I was.  That was just the way life is.  You can spend a lifetime reasoning the ramifications of bullying, but ultimately it will still happen.  That was just how my life worked.  They were them and I was me.  I had to deal with it alone.  That was just the way it was.
Anyway, as bad as things could get sometimes, I always told myself I was lucky.  I have a good family, I have my health (more or less =P) and I have reasons to be happy, even if I wasn`t happy all of the time.  
Well, I don`t know if any of you guys have dealt with being overweight.  I don`t even know if any of you can relate even a little bit to what I`ve said so far.  Still, I think that no matter who you are or what you do, there will always be someone who tells you who you are and what you are capable of.  When I was in college studying to become a baker, a student in the culinary program told me right to my face that no matter how hard I worked I would never find a job (And he was so stuck up about it that I wanted to punch him.  Still, I was set to ignore, so that didn`t happen).  I think we will be told our place in the world many times before we die.  That`s the world.  That`s just the way it works.
But that doesn`t mean you can`t do anything.  That doesn`t mean it doesn`t get better.  Yes, I am still overweight.  Yes, people around me still take notice.  Yes I can be treated differently because of it.  But for the first time in my life I feel comfortable in my own skin.  I am 22 and I am employed as a baker.  Not only that, but my bosses actually want to keep me around.  Go figure.  I have no idea what the people who made fun of me or told me who I was are up to now.  I honestly don`t care.  Karma could punish them, or they could be super rich and popular.  It makes no difference to me.  I like myself the way I am, and yes, I am imperfect.  Yes, I should lose weight and I should probably work on my own personal identity more than I have in the past.  But honestly?  Right now I'm just glad with who I am.  And I know my story doesn`t end here.  I`m going to change a lot over the years.  That`s what life does.  That`s the way it works. 
I say bring it on.  

  • 20

Takuma Nuva
Apr 23 2014 10:57 PM

This entry made me wish I could shed a manly tear and shake your hand.

Takuma Nuva

    • 15

Tears of happiness.

    • 4

Yes dude! Happy future to you.

    • 2
Suddenly that giant thing about chocolate you posted in my cake topic makes SO MUCH SENSE.
    • 2
Apr 24 2014 06:03 PM

Well said; well lived.

    • 1
You know Tekulo's serious when his text stops being green and he doesn't tell you to get off his lawn. :P

In all seriousness, I truly don't know what you're going through. I've been lucky enough to avoid many of the things you're going through. And while I have dealt with depression, and have probably had my own share of problems which YOU haven't dealt with, it doesn't stop me from envying the strength I see in you and in others who deal with problems I can't comprehend on a daily basis. You're an inspiration.

So congrats on your new outlook on life. While a positive attitude can't solve all of life's problems (anyone who says otherwise has something to sell you), it does generally make them a little more bearable.
    • 3

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