Alternate Title: The Tommy Westphall of Sci-Fi
Alternate Title #2: Take It Off Predey Boy!
A while ago I was watching the kill count video for "Alien Vs. Predator" and after doing some reading on the AVP wiki I got the idea for this entry, but decided to wait until I had watched all the AVP movies at least once. That meant had 5 or 6 movies to watch; well, last Monday I watched "Alien vs. Predator: Requiem" so here we are.
Note: I will not be spoiling any movies worth seeing, but if for some reason you want to watch all the AVP movies then in that case spoilers below for "The Predator" (2018), "Alien Vs. Predator", "Alien Vs Predator: Requiem", "Alien 3", "Alien: Resurrection", and "Alien: Covenant". Although honestly, if you haven't seen most of these movies then this won't make any sense.
"Predator" (1987) - 1987
Bunch of muscular special forces dudes in the jungles sprout off action one liners while being hunted something that ain't no man.
Predator 2 - 1990
The Predator moves to the city and some weird stuff goes down; stuff a BZP Lovers organization would rather not anyone know about. Please note, Aliens and Predators had already crossed over before a Xenomorph skull appeared in this movie.
AVP and AVP Requiem - 2004
The CEO of a company called Weyland enterprises, Charles Bishop Weyland, leads a team to Antarctica to investigate some strange happenings and get caught in the hunt of three Predator young bloods (Celtic, Chopper, and Scar). In flashbacks, we learn that the Predators taught humans how to build pyramids and used them as hosts for the ultimate sport, xenomorphs. After the battle, an alien/predator (Predalien) hybrid bursts out of the chest of the last surviving Predator of the last film (Scar) causing the ship to crash in a small town on earth. Another Predator (Wolf) now has to go to Earth and preform one of the worst cover ups in history and this three way war ends with the secret government agency nuking a Colorado town. Ms. Yutani appears in the last scene.
Predators - 2010
A bunch of killers and warriors get kidnapped and dropped on a Predator game preserve. Doesn't establish anything new except maybe that they're super Predators, but whatever just get to the choppa.
The Predator - 2018
So many stupid things happen, but the stupidest might be the "revelation" that Predators hunt in order to collect the DNA of the best warriors as opposed to, you know, cause of the fact that they're sport hunters. Also, this is why Predators have an obsession with ripping people's spines out (what's Sub-Zero's excuse?) Also that BZP Lovers organization is back with the actually props from all the previous movies. Finally, the humans get a secret weapon--an Iron Man suit, which might help explain...
Blade Runner - 2019
Yes, tenuous evidence suggests that "Blade Runner" and "Alien" share the same universe; the only important thing established is that androids exist although they're not on the best terms with humans right now. Also, this creates the biggest plot in this whole thing, which is trying to explain the biggest tech jump in all of human history.
Soldier and Blade Runner 2049 - 2036 and when the heck do you think?
These both exist in this timeline, but I don't have anything to say about them because I haven't seen either so we are leaving.
Promethes - 2092
First, I'll say up front that I think this never should have been an alien movie, but that being said this does give us a lot of back story.
In flashbacks we see a new Weyland was running the company in the early 2000s (probably the son of Bishop Weylind who died in AVP) and we learn that another race of aliens The Engineers created humans (and maybe Predators and Xenomorphs?) And fun fact, Elien Ripley was 1 year old during the event of this film.
Alien: Covenant: 2104
Um, android David recreated Xenomorphs (but we are trying to keep things consistent, then Engineers, Predators, and David all re-created the Xenomorphs from the same black goo) and before this movie he used The Engineer's ship to destroy a world of aliens created by The Engineers. I want to say that Ridley Scott will fix the timeline with the next Alien prequel, but if this movie is anything to go off of then probably it will only mess the timeline up more and suck at the same time.
A bunch of space truckers find an old Engineer ship with a xenomorph on it.
Ripley and a team of Colonial Marines fight xenomorphs and Bishop shows how far androids have come since "Blade Runner".
Alien 3: 2179
You know, Ripley killing the last of the aliens isn't all that important if it's true that xenomorphs exist elsewhere in the universe. Also, we meet a scientist named Bishop who, no joke, is theorized to just look a lot like the Weyland from AVP; yeah assuming this guy is who he says he is.
Alien: Resurrection - 2379 (ish)
I can't believe that in the two centuries that have pasted since the last film that humanity hasn't found any xenomorphs on other planets OR the Predators. But this is the end of the timeline so that's that.
Here's the whole thing in video form
(make sure to watch that video on 1.25 speed; trust me you'll need it).
But we're not done yet.
Crazy Comic Crossovers:
Batman vs Predator: see here
for an epic animated version of this comic in which Batman defeats a Predator with his greatest gadget...the bat. Yep, Batman beats up an alien with a wooden baseball bat. This combined with "Batman vs. Aliens", "Superman vs. Aliens" and "Superman vs. Predator" (and others) means the DC universe is connected to the AVPverse (somehow).
Judge Dredd vs. Alien: Incubus: see here
for how awesome this story actually is. Also, since multidimensional travel is a thing in 2000 A.D. this means that most of these shared universe can be explained as taking place in different dimensions that the Predators and Aliens keep stumbling into.
Archie vs. Predator: Yep this is a thing and since "Archie vs. The Punisher" is also a thing that means that technically the DC and Marvel universes are connected.
Alien vs. Predator vs. Terminator: alright I'm done (although this is obviously non-canon). This comic does include a hilarious bit where the writers try and sell the idea that Dutch was the inspiration for the Terminators.
for even more crazy comic crossovers.
So, Jason Voorhees, Alien, Predator, Freddy, Kratos have all been guest characters in MK over the years, but I'll yet you figure out the implications of that. Plus, don't forget the DC universe crossover. Mortal Kombat (like Dredd) can make sense of all these connected universe using the idea of realms, but that is probably unnecessary because...
In Conclusion: A Few Take Aways
1) I think Warner Bros and Dark Horses may have too many licenses on their hands.
2) I don't (and would encourage everyone) not to take all this too seriously. Like the Tommy Westphall theory, this all shows how ridiculous it is to assume that universes are connected just because of one guest appearance. Heck, it's an argument against making overly connected universes in general. But, whats more...
3) Making good art is more important than canon.
Crossovers can be fun (and like some of the above realy good), but valuing canon over art can sometime be really dumb. Ultimately, Disney did the right thing with the Star Wars EU.
And I think that's all that needs to be said about that. I hope you learned something important from this or at least got a good laugh out of some of those hilarious attempts to maintain continuity.