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What has been going on - this limbo that is my life

Posted by Toa Imrukii , Oct 10 2018 · 41 views

Okay, so let me preface this with a disclaimer of sorts, nothing that I may say here is intended or directed in any way to cause discourse or conflict, in my own personal life I had been between (metaphorically) juggling balls left and right, for a long time I was more or less trying to appease two sides of people in my own personal life, both of which having some strong detrimental tendency on me personally, I'll explain exactly what I mean by this in a bit, but for now let me get to the meat of the issue.

I have for so long now felt as though I am in a limbo, I have recently, more or less, cut off the stress from my life, and though my OCD still reminds me of it, I live each day knowing full-blown well that I do not have it on my shoulders any more. So, I have fallen into sort of a limbo, a limbo where I try to ready myself for a major personal task one day, only for that day to come and I lose the will to go ahead and do it, with examples of such, personally, for myself to get anywhere, literally and metaphorically, I need to do my GED, I need to apply to accomplish getting my learners permit; eventually learning to drive, and so on from the GED more-so, though admittedly from both, I need to get a job, and beforehand finish my resume. There have also been lessor things I've been more or less held back from, like getting my iPad repaired for some damage that peeves me (which is regardless of money for me and my family, money isn't an issue), as well, I've been looking to find a relationship, but everytime I get to talk with a girl I just lose the will to see them, and I don't know why. I talk to 'em, and get to know them, but than I just seem to not care anymore, and I seriously can't put my finger on why. And, I know, not everyone is going to know or be interested in my personal hobbies, like bionicle, like conlanging, such and such, but, going back to the original prefaces, how am I supposed to do anything when (and admittedly I may not have originally said this) I feel like I'm being shot down left and right from reaching my goal.

I do have anxiety, and depression, but the former of those two, in regards to me actually reaching and achieving those things, my anxiety I feel is that which is holding me back the most. I want to get my life in order, I need to get my GED done, but why would I want to remind myself of school again?, I want to get my learners permit, but why would I need to drive when I have nowhere to go?, I want to be in a relationship, but why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't care about your interests or someone who you don't feel attached to? This is my conundrum.

And, back to the regard of my personal interests, and a going back to my disclaimer of I mean no offense, I feel like-, no, I know that my friends are simply not interested in conlanging and linguistics, but can I blame them? It's a very specific field, and a very finite detailed creative field at that, in fact if anything it shows I do have a degree of autistic tendency to how I function, which may to some degree be something that is holding me back, but more so I feel the lack of care or passion people; my friends, family, peers, show towards me is seriously hampering me as a person. It's a very basic conundrum when you get down to it, why would you want to keep on living and doing something if no one appreciates you? And not in the regards of my close friends, but some of my less close friends, I know they simply do not in their hearts appreciate me, even if they say they do, they just don't care. So, why would I want to care about them you may ask? I care about all my friends, not simply because I consider them as such, but because I want to try and come to an understanding with them, but there is no way to achieve that from where I am.

I have become so sick and tired of the petty tendencies people do to each other, "we have a difference of opinion, so we're going to fight one another and make ourselves tear our own hair out in anger because of it." just absolutely petty bulldung as that, and it drives me insane, so I cut myself from it, even though it hurts me, because I do truly believe that understanding can be found, despite how much we allow something to tear us apart from eachother.

Now, I have come to the realization that I have to make something of my life, I try each and every day to get myself motivated enough to get to doing just that, but as I have stated here already, I quickly lose my motivation to keep on going, and as so clear as day, I may look to the mirror, see my reflection, I may see my shadow, see the light I block, as is such the nature of future and past, we may try and look to the future, but be will never truly be able to see it and live it before it's time, and the past we may very well remember it forever on for the rest of our lives, but there is somthing keeping me from looking in the mirror so-to-speak, and I simply cannot overcome it, and so this is my limbo. Neither in pain nor in suffering, not in joy or pleasure, but as has always been there, sadness is the only fallback, and the only adictive substance of my limbo which I simply will not be falling back on again as I have so many times, and even if I somehow do, I can't be there for long. So, I am stuck here, in a limbo, with no way to get out.

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