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Wind's Weblog



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Scheduled Update

Posted by Windseeker , Apr 09 2017 · 124 views

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I'm still cute, honestly.


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Back Again

Posted by Windseeker , Mar 14 2017 · 223 views

Somewhat full circle. I requested to be put in the OBZPC group, out of the Retired Staff one. I'm truly a normal member again. It's been so long.

I've thought about this for a while, and several events on and off of BZPower recently solidified it in my mind as the right thing to do. It feels better. And honestly, I did just about all I could as staff to help people here. I can still be a positive presence, though. I also have half wondered if, half realized that some things that hurt me here were because of or quite amplified by my being staff - both in the sense of things done to me, and things I came to bring upon myself. I did a lot, but, I kinda want to close off that legacy. I want my time here to be a better memory, and not one shadowed by vestigial pain.

So, yeah. I'm going to start moving on, in a sense not really bordering on the titular. I'll be around, and sass you nerds in G&T, but, a little less. It's more a personal thing for me, and not the feeling that I have to keep myself away anymore. I missed this color, too.

Love, honestly.


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Attn: Switch Fampais

Posted by Windseeker , Mar 03 2017 · 189 views

Add me:

SW-5215-1385-8226
And 3DS if you'd like: 5172-0504-6626


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It's Time

Posted by Windseeker , Mar 02 2017 · 246 views

Or, "I have a face, one month later." Not deleting this one; promise.

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WindBlade, or Thunderfury, Blessed Blade of the Windseeker

Posted by Windseeker , Feb 09 2017 · 479 views

Hi. Sorry for deleting my pics here twice now. I guess there are still things here that make me uncomfortable with sharing that with a more general audience.

However, since I never really made too much of my own statement here (though it's quite obvious), I am comfortable saying that Chloe/Blade and I have been in a relationship for a little over a month now, and it's pretty great.

Anyway, that's all for now. <3


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Same Old Lang Syne

Posted by Windseeker , Jan 03 2017 · 666 views

In typical fashion, I wanted to start with an apology. I abruptly left my staff position here over the summer, and never really said anything about it. This decision came at the tail end of a crisis, and while it was really impulsive, it was something I had needed to do for a long time. It’s not anyone’s specific fault, but I am certain it was the right choice.

The second part of the apology is, I wound up using my need to cut out that painful part of my life as a justification for withdrawing from just about everyone ever. It wasn’t rational in the slightest. No one had a part to play in that pain, and honestly, I stuck around in that teal coat mostly out of genuine care for you all. So like, ??? But I hope to do better on that front. I feel like I’ve said that before, so please bear with me.

But, tomorrow is 2017, and I never really came up from the aftermath of that crisis earlier in the year. Not quite. Shortly after, though, in July, I went out in public fully presenting as Elisabeth for the first time with the help of someone very dear to me. (And like, full NYC public, too.) Following that, I found a wave of confidence that helped me to start my legal name change process, and ultimately overcome just about every fear and anxiety ever to get up and teach my first class as Elisabeth.

If you had told me then that I would be sitting here now out of graduate school and relapsed into a fairly hefty depression, I pretty much would not have believed it. Something happened, though - and I’m pretty certain what it was exactly - that made my anxiety overwhelming, leading me back into the depression that I thought I would not see again. And for the first time in four? years I am honestly incredibly afraid, lost, and disoriented. Never mind the bigger things happening right now. I think I know what I need to do, ultimately, but the leap from here to there seems impossible right now. I’m having trouble breaking down the process into manageable steps, too. I need to get far away from the deleterious locus that my childhood house has become; I know that. Philadelphia wasn’t far enough.

There are things I don’t know right now, but I have also been dishonest with myself to the point of sabotage. The point of this entry, then, is to affirm the following things. Even if my career path is kinda a big question mark right now, I still overcame what seemed like academic oblivion four years ago and not only finally completed undergrad, but realized my rather quixotic dream of getting accepted to a doctoral program at an Ivy League school. I am an incredible dork who can gladly poke fun at the structuralist division of poetic language into two perpendicular axes. I am still having trouble deciding if I like the original Xenoblade soundtrack better, or the one for Xenoblade X. I did however decide quite whimsically as a teenager to champion an obscure Russian composer named Nikolai Medtner after having been recommended a piano sonata of his on some random forum. I didn’t even understand or like the sonata the first time around. I recently learned that Medtner's teacher Taneyev caught the eye of Leo Tolstoy's wife, and consequently served as the oblivious inspiration for the dreadful text The Kreutzer Sonata, and I find that uncompromisingly hilarious. Way too many people have told me that I am deeply compassionate and caring, and I should start believing them. I broke my leg when I was one year old by trying to kick a rubber ball. Honestly who else could have done that (fight me). My first completed anime was Death Note. I mean seriously why the heck. There is at least one person who would pursue me to whatever part of the Earth because of my fried rice game. If you’ll indulge me, I’m also hecka cute, thank you. I’ve heard a lot that I’m stronger than I know. It’s true. I’m also more human than I know, more imperfect than I know, and also more worthy than I know. That last part is what I’ve been missing. I’m not there yet, and it may take a while, so again, please bear with me.


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Today Was an Even Better Day

Posted by Windseeker , Nov 06 2015 · 541 views

Friday November 6th, 2015, around 3:00 PM: officially started hormone replacement therapy.

It was a bit anticlimactic, but hey, I am happy. : P


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Today Was a Good Day

Posted by Windseeker , Oct 16 2015 · 699 views

Over half a year ago, I came out as transgender.

Today, October 16th 2015, I sat in a bus anxiously for 30 minutes, after having taught my class, as I was taken through traffic in eastern Philadelphia. Somewhere around 9th and Locust, I pushed my way through the doors to my first appointment.

And if all goes well, I'll be starting hormone therapy in three weeks or so.

I'm not sure what was better, having strangers call me by my name, or the reassurance they gave me in face of my very evident anxiety. It was really comforting, even in spite of the bloodwork, which always makes me nauseous.

All in all, today was a good day, really. Easy, certainly not, but good. In any case, it's going to be a wild ride. (And hey, I got some StreetPasses out of it, too!)


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My Identity

Posted by Windseeker , Dec 25 2014 · 2,084 views

This has been in the works for a while now.

I have not had the gender field on my profile set for some time now, and there is a reason why it has read “Not Telling.” Tonight, however, I am going to specify it.

But I’m terrified. It’s going to take a world of effort for me to change it and to publish this post. I’ve been on this site for over a decade; some of you have known me for just about that whole time. To most people on BZPower, I’m simply -Windrider-, Windy, Wind, or some other variation of my display name. But I’ve also come to be known by my birth name, Ryan, by some of the staff and other members. Sometimes I wish I could revert back to being known purely by my alias. Being called by my birth name here on BZPower may be a mark of friendship, but it is also painful.

2014 has been a year of changes for me. In March, I became a Global Moderator here, achieving a long-held goal of mine. In May, I finally graduated from college after overcoming setbacks from depression, and this past September I started graduate school and moved out of my parents’ home. I’ve done all that as “Ryan.” And, I guess the final thing that I will list is a question of names as well. While I had put a name to this well before 2014, I began to take ownership of it and come out to people about it only this year. You deserve to know as well.

I’m transgender.

And I need a place to be myself. This is only one of my initial steps, but it’s important that I do it. BZPower has been so dear to me for nearly half of my life. During that time, I’ve seen other members come out on this site, including Steph (Queen Grr), who has been so supportive of me as I’ve struggled with my own identity. I’ve seen the support those members received. I’ve also seen the backlash. I’m prepared. For what I hope will be most of you, this won’t change anything. I’ll still be -Windrider-, just with the pink icon on my profile page. But for some, this may mean you’ll distance yourselves from me. Again, I’m prepared for that. Still, I am terrified of not being accepted for who I am, of being neglected, and of not being believed at all.

But I have to be honest about who I am. I need to do this for myself, regardless of how others may react. And what if it can help? I once sat silently inspired by those who have expressed their identities publicly here on BZPower. Tonight, I will break my silence. And while it is only a first step, it is one that I need to take. I need to be who I truly am, and to have my true name.

Thank you.
Elisabeth





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