In typical fashion, I wanted to start with an apology. I abruptly left my staff position here over the summer, and never really said anything about it. This decision came at the tail end of a crisis, and while it was really impulsive, it was something I had needed to do for a long time. It’s not anyone’s specific fault, but I am certain it was the right choice.
The second part of the apology is, I wound up using my need to cut out that painful part of my life as a justification for withdrawing from just about everyone ever. It wasn’t rational in the slightest. No one had a part to play in that pain, and honestly, I stuck around in that teal coat mostly out of genuine care for you all. So like, ??? But I hope to do better on that front. I feel like I’ve said that before, so please bear with me.
But, tomorrow is 2017, and I never really came up from the aftermath of that crisis earlier in the year. Not quite. Shortly after, though, in July, I went out in public fully presenting as Elisabeth for the first time with the help of someone very dear to me.
(And like, full NYC public, too.) Following that, I found a wave of confidence that helped me to start my legal name change process, and ultimately overcome just about every fear and anxiety ever to get up and teach my first class as Elisabeth.
If you had told me then that I would be sitting here now out of graduate school and relapsed into a fairly hefty depression, I pretty much would not have believed it. Something happened, though - and I’m pretty certain what it was exactly - that made my anxiety overwhelming, leading me back into the depression that I thought I would not see again. And for the first time in four? years I am honestly incredibly afraid, lost, and disoriented. Never mind the bigger things happening right now. I think I know what I need to do, ultimately, but the leap from here to there seems impossible right now. I’m having trouble breaking down the process into manageable steps, too. I need to get far away from the deleterious locus that my childhood house has become; I know that. Philadelphia wasn’t far enough.
There are things I don’t know right now, but I have also been dishonest with myself to the point of sabotage. The point of this entry, then, is to affirm the following things. Even if my career path is kinda a big question mark right now, I still overcame what seemed like academic oblivion four years ago and not only finally completed undergrad, but realized my rather quixotic dream of getting accepted to a doctoral program at an Ivy League school. I am an incredible dork who can gladly poke fun at the structuralist division of poetic language into two perpendicular axes. I am still having trouble deciding if I like the original Xenoblade
soundtrack better, or the one for Xenoblade X
. I did however decide quite whimsically as a teenager to champion an obscure Russian composer named Nikolai Medtner after having been recommended a piano sonata of his on some random forum. I didn’t even understand or like the sonata the first time around. I recently learned that Medtner's teacher Taneyev caught the eye of Leo Tolstoy's wife, and consequently served as the oblivious inspiration for the dreadful text The Kreutzer Sonata
, and I find that uncompromisingly hilarious. Way too many people have told me that I am deeply compassionate and caring, and I should start believing them. I broke my leg when I was one year old by trying to kick a rubber ball. Honestly who else could have done that (fight me). My first completed anime was Death Note
. I mean seriously why the heck. There is at least one person who would pursue me to whatever part of the Earth because of my fried rice game. If you’ll indulge me, I’m also hecka cute, thank you. I’ve heard a lot that I’m stronger than I know. It’s true. I’m also more human than I know, more imperfect than I know, and also more worthy than I know. That last part is what I’ve been missing. I’m not there yet, and it may take a while, so again, please bear with me.