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Toward My Future

Posted by Windseeker , Nov 12 2018 · 270 views

It was some form of serendipity that I joined this site when I did in 2003. It's been over 15 years now, and somehow this place still figures in my life in a prominent way.

In December 2016, the best OBZPC on this site and I got together, and our relationship is still going strong almost two years later now. Strong enough that we're serious about our future to the point where I am going to finally start toward the independence I've wanted for myself by moving up to Ontario to live with her.

This also comes from my recognizing how far I've come in facing and dealing with the trauma I finally put a name to in early 2017. I've come through spans of daily panic attacks, depression to the point of complete inertness, anxiety of a severity I don't care to look at again, and through so many periods of instability and stability that I still doubt the permanence of my progress. But I know that I am more resilient now, and even if I don't understand entirely, I am able to keep moving forward.

To get myself up to Ontario and settled enough to start working toward citizenship, I'm going back to finish my PhD. I'm starting applying to various schools, and hopefully have enough credentials to pick up where I left things. I have my MA and some incredible references and work from Penn, at least.

Aside from the motivation Emily gives me, I'm also increasingly terrified by the state of things down here for LGBTQIA people, and especially for a trans woman like me. So while I have to face uprooting my entire life while still working through difficult emotional and mental troubles, I figure that, somehow, it's safer. And too, that I'll never fully heal and recover if I stay close to the places where all of my trauma has its roots.

So, this should all come together for better life? I can only say I will do everything to make it work. It's a future I've told myself many times that I would never have, or didn't deserve, but now, I will make sure of having it.

(And if you want to help with some of the initial logistical work, I do have a fundraiser.)

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