Interview: Gollaga, Enemy Of Survurlode
Evil Lord Survurlode
Today the Bones Blog brings you an interview with the creature Gollaga, former wielder of the One Refresh, the weapon of our enemy, Evil Lord Survurlode. We believe that this artifact is tied to Survurlode's powers just like Sauron was to his One Telephone Ring. Let's hope we can figure out how to find and destroy it! But don't tell Gollaga that, please...
bones: Thanks for agreeing to talk with us, Gollaga. We've been trying to track you down for months ever since Evil Lord Survurlode told us of your existence, and that you once owned the One Refresh.
Gollaga: My precious.
bones: Yes. My precious.
Gollaga: MY precious! Nasty Survurlode stole it! It's MINE!
bones: Sorry, that's what I meant. YOUR precious. Anyways, why don't you begin by introducing yourself to our readers?
Gollaga: We are Gollaga, my precious. We shows it, yes we does.
bones: Well, I didn't mean your name. But where does your name come from? I haven't heard any strange coughs yet. Is it just because you're similar to both Gollum and a Rahaga?
Gollaga: No, no. It's because when we sneeze, it sounds like "Gollaga."
bones: Okay then. Why do you call yourself "we", though? Most people don't do that.
Gollaga: Why does it ask us this? It called itself "we" too!
bones: What? Uh, no, I meant "we" as in me and my fellow BZPers. But back to my question -- I meant, details about your life.
Gollaga: We eat cheese puffs, precious, five times a day.
bones: ... So I've heard. I don't blame you -- I love 'em too. But I mean, you know, about your past.
Gollaga: My what?
bones: You know, what you were like a long time ago.
Gollaga: We ate cheese puffs yesterday too. And the day before that. Seven times a day.
bones: I... I thought it was five?
Gollaga: Was it? We forget. We hates math, we does, precious. We think we used to be good at it... But no longer.
bones: So, you do remember something about your past?
Gollaga: We remembers that we were once not that different from a Hobtoran.
Gollaga: But then we found my precious. It changed us. Gave us unnatural long life, hunger for cheese puffs, and a Rhotuka power of Verbosity.
bones: Say what?
Gollaga: Big words, precious. We shows it, yes we does. *fires at himself* The target becomes incapable of communication without the dialectical aesthetic of a Lawyerahk.
bones: Wow. That sounds like torture. But what is a "Lawyerahk"?
Gollaga: A shapeshifting, complexilinguistic species of minion for Lord Survurlode, that has infiltrated the legal justice system. At the temporality when Survurlode captured me, I saw one, and took the liberty of capturing a visuodigital image:
Gollaga: In regards to the aforementioned torturosity, grammatical precision becomes paramount, despite the latter being a requirement which even the topmost perfectionist is incapable of. NOOOOOOOO! I ENDED A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSITION! ABOMINATION AND DOOM! AAAAAGH! "DOOM" is a short word! AAAAAAGH!
bones: Calm down! It's okay!
Gollaga: SHORT WORDS! AAAAAAGH! MUST. CONSUME. CHEESE PUFFS.
At this point he stopped talking for several minutes, his mouth being otherwise occupied. I mean, eating. Yikes, some of that Rhotuka power must have contaminated me... I mean, got to me...
Gollaga: We offer our deepest apologies for the aforeseen outburst. We shall endeavour to maintain our composure by remembering to refer to ourselves as "we". It is composed of two letters, unlike "I", my precarious.
bones: You mean "precious."
Gollaga: What? Yes, my predacious. I mean, my preconscious. Anyways, the pointaciousness of this dialogue is that Lawyerahks are a contingent of Survurlode's minionosity that he has endeavored to keep secret, thus you are now privy to classified information.
bones: Thanks. So, the Lawyerahks are part of his "Dreaded Real Life" attack wing? It sounds like they're trying to drain life out of conversation. Am I right?
Gollaga: Yes, they feed on the aforementioned linguistic life-force. They have also infiltrated certain professorships, especially in the English and History departments, in order to vampirate said life from written communication as well.
bones: So that's why my History professor was ranting against the word "very" the other day... Anyways, next question. You mentioned you like cheese puffs. Tell us more.
Gollaga: Yes, precursacious, cheese puffs are the exploding device in common colloquial tongue.
bones: You mean... the bomb?
Gollaga: They are the bomb. NOOOOOO! SHORT WORDS! AAAAAGHISHNESS! "No" is a short word too! I mean, non-affirmation is characteristic of brevity! I mean we!
bones: But why cheese puffs? I don't see what they have to do with servers being flooded by the sea?
Gollaga: Well, skeletoidinous, we would submit for consideration that finned aquatic creatures have little to do with the magmatic substance inside Mount Doom... Doomah... Doomahfication. And yet the Creature Gollum liked fish. However, because you have inquired, we shall provide the answer.
Gollaga: My precognitious glows orange. Cheese puffs are orange.
bones: You used short words!
bones: So does this mean that Evil Lord Survurlode is obsessed with cheese puffs too?
Gollaga: Oh yes. At the temporality when he enslaved us and stole my pretentious, he fed us from his spare supply of puff... puffations. He had warehouses and warehouses full of it. Once we ate an entire warehouse-full in one day. The Chief Gremlin informed us that we should likely become annihilated if Survurlode found out. It became challenging to explain our appearance then.
bones: Wow. How many puffs did you eat, man? How long did you stay orange?
Gollaga: Approximately a quarter of a gazillion. Our color began to merginate to black after a period of fifteen whiles.
bones: I forgot about the math thing... How did you survive?
Gollaga: We simply targeted ourself with our Rhotuka and explained the situation in all its subtlety to Survurlode. He was obliged to smile and nod, pretending he understood our speechification, given his reputation as a master of linguistosity.
bones: So anyways, the... your precious gave you these powers. What happens when you put it on? Sauron's One Telephone Ring would make the user invisible, just like how you can't see the other person over the telephone. What does the One Refresh do?
Gollaga: You mean my parecious. We mean, my precocious........ The point is, it reforminates the user with transpixelification.
bones: Yikes, that is a dangerous power! What's it mean?
Gollaga: Why does it ask that? Anybody with half a neural network knowledgififes it means you become pixels.
bones: Sounds... pointless?
Gollaga: Nonsensiness. Pixelatiousnesses are energiness, unlike matter, thus we become intangible. Means we go through stuff. Whoa, we guesses our Rhotuka power is waning in effectaciousness, so you are fortunate I was able to use such short words to aid in the definition's understandability.
bones: I know what "intangible" means. But now I'm confused -- in the pic you showed earlier of you wearing the... your precious, you didn't look like pixels.
Gollaga: Oh, yes. You see, the whole "Frodo go poof in the middle of the bar" was never in the intentions of Sauron's designination -- it was a glitch. Survurlode is a much greater level of geekinosity, being master of the internet rather than old fashioned phones like his brother, so he overcame that particular difficulty. The power is activated mentally.
bones: I see. So, at some point in your life, Survurlode captured you.
Gollaga: Yes, and he STOLE my precious!
bones: You said it right!
Gollaga: We did! We thinks the Rhotuka power has almost worn off!
bones: But why do you say "we" and yet you call it "my" precious? Why not "our" precious?
bones: But back on topic... He stole your precious?
Gollaga: And hid it, he did. Far far away from all life, he hid it, precious.
bones: Any idea where?
Gollaga: The precious calls to us, it does. Far far away, in the oceans on the surface of the Bionicle world, my precious calls to me. We can feels it.
bones: Hrm. That's a big ocean. But why would he hide it in the ocean? I thought it was forged in the ocean, just like Sauron forged the One Telephone Ring in the fires of Mount Doomah. Wouldn't it get destroyed there?
Gollaga: No, no. Survurlode is much smarter geekitudinosity than Sauron, remember? We thinks he made my precious... OUR precious so that it needs water. So anyone foolish enough to try to destroy it by mimicking Frodo would only make it stronger. No, the only way to destroy it is to take it to the driest, hottest desert. That's why it glows orange, not blue, when it's on land. It would crumble to ash, our precious!
Gollaga: Why does it grin that way?
bones: Oh, right. Erm, I mean, good thing it's safe underwater, eh?
Gollaga: Yes, precious. Safe. But we will finds it someday. It's ours. OUR precious.
bones: Right. And once we... I mean you... find it, would you be willing to help us defeat Survurlode? Us not meaning just me...
Gollaga: We don't know -- he might steal our precious again...
bones: I'd share the cheese puff warehouses.
Gollaga: WE SHALL SEND SURVURLODE TO HIS DOOMAHFICATION!!!!!
bones: Excellent! There's been rumors, BTW, that he was already defeated partially with Brave Knight Binkmeister's latest blow, kinda like how Sauron was defeated once but kept alive due to the Ring. That's why Bink felt confident enough that he could afford to leave for the realm of Bionicle.com. I've noticed the server acting up a little again, though -- is Survurlode making a comeback like Sauron did?
Gollaga: Yes, precious. He is now in the form of a giant tower with an "I" of water on it.
bones: I've seen that picture before -- the Cheif Gremlin told me about it. I thought it was just in the planning stages?
Gollaga: So there are many secret projects it doesn't know about, precious. No, the Gremlins built it many whiles ago, along with five hundred forty seven other classified projects.
bones: That's a lot.
Gollaga: Or was it seven thousand and twenty?
bones: Do you know anything about them? I was under the impression we were aware of most of his plans already.
Gollaga: Survurlode is like Makuta, precious. Plans within plans. Most things you've learned, he wanted you to learn, to make you either scared or overconfident. But we knows about two more projects. Right now, Project MiB is in action.
bones: MiB? Survurlode was behind that? What does "MiB" stand for?
Gollaga: Mosquitoes in Black.
Gollaga: Survurlode hoped to scare the members with clones of an annoying bug he found on Voya Nui once. It can drain the passwords out of accounts if they are simple enough, and take the accounts over, but it failed so miserably that he didn't want anyone to know he was behind it. He was quite embarrased, my precious.
bones: Ah, yes, that was when we set up the zappers. Zaps 'em every time.
Gollaga: Yes. We hates that bug, because it wants to steal our cheese puffs. We had to buy zappers at Hut Depot for our hidden puff supply cave. So we wants your members to make sure they make long, complex passwords with letters, numbers, capitals, lowercase, whatever they thinks of. Make passwords of Verbosity, and nothing easy to guess! Use different passwords for your email, brickshelf account, etceterosity, and change your passwords every three whiles.
bones: Noted... What was the other project?
Gollaga: The Orkrana. That was a mission Survurlode made us go on -- to steal a krana from the prison-holes on Mata Nui. He mutated it into a squid form, and cloned it, precious, and gave them tsunami powers. Then he sent them out to possess the Orcas.
bones: The Orcas, the whale-like creatures he wanted because their names sound like "Orc"? The Chief Gremlin told us Survurlode failed to tame them. Wasn't he trying to wipe them out since then?
Gollaga: Yes, precious. But he still wants them under control. He just needs the Orkrana to sneak up on the Orcas. Only if that fails will he wipe them out, precious.
bones: Yikes. We'll be looking into that. That could be a toughie, 'cuz we'll wanna stop that, but we wouldn't want to be responsible for their deaths either...
Gollaga: The other one was the Spam Trolls. They are mindless beasts with an elemental power of spam. They throw it at anybody they see, especially themselves. We had to clean up after them many times, precious, when we served Survurlode.
bones: Ah. So spammers aren't human. I always wondered... But that was three projects...
Gollaga: Was it? We thought we said five?
bones: There's more?
Gollaga: Yes, but the rest we have been forbidden to reveal. If we does, Survurlode says he will hunt us down and imprison us in a room with no cheese puffs for a hundred whiles. And on top of that, he will put a clockcuff on our hands. We live without any evil clocks, you see, precious. We are free to roam where we wants, when we wants. To be enslaved to time would be the worst torture we could imagine.
bones: I understand. I only had one other question -- how did you escape Survurlode's enslavement?
Gollaga: Why does it ask us what we cannot say? If we told you that, we would be doomed if we were enslaved again.
bones: True. Well, thanks for your time, Gollaga. Oh, BTW, I've got a research paper for that history Professorahk due in a month -- you wouldn't mind hitting me with one of those Rhotuka around then, would you?
Gollaga: We wouldn't mind, precious. We wouldn't mind at all.
bones: Thanks! ... I think...