How To Avoid Frustration
Entry posted by bonesiii
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From time to time, BZPower gets an influx of so many new members, and older members who are aware of major goings on move on to other things. Turnover, it's called. People in general also tend to make some common mistakes before they learn better -- but we can help them avoid such mistakes by telling them the lessons we and others have already learned.
We can also do it with humor.
Which brings me to the first point of this entry: to give a big shout-out to Turakii's very wise entry here. Everybody should read it and take it to heart, IMO.
I've been meaning to do another blog entry about personal taste and respecting others, for a while, but haven't found the time or energy to get around to it. And then Turakii went and said much of what I would have said, complete with hilarous metaphor! And now I've found the energy to say something else -- how to avoid needless frustration... but first, you should read that link.
*waits*
Okay, now I assume you've read it. If not, return to start and lose all your points.
Now, I've got a big wall of text coming. If you don't like them, get out now. But please like them.
lol It's something that has helped me immensely, and maybe it can help you. And sorry, no Turakii-style humor here. I wanted to explain my comment in there about people disagreeing with their own opinions. I've noticed over the years that many people, myself included, have a strange habit of disagreeing with ourselves. By that I mean, we believe certain things with passion, and yet at other times, for whatever strange reasons, we act the exact opposite way, criticise others for doing the very things we do and claim to believe in, or even passionately believe something else that, if we had thought it through, blatantly contradicts another opinion we have.
In my fanfics, I describe this as people actually erecting walls in their mind. Parts of their mind might believe one thing, even fully, while others might believe another.
I have come to suspect that virtually all forms of frustration stem from this phenomenon.
It's true that we have desires, and things outside of us obviously can get in the way, sometimes on things that matter a lot more than entertainment. Like if someone's life is in danger, and you try to save them, but nothing you try works. Someone I know who works in the medical field had to go through that recently with a patient who died.
But why do we let frustration, misery, etc. take us over to such extremes as to do it with entertainment? Or even in more serious matters, frustration can boil over in us, tensing us up and ironically making us less able to accomplish what little is left for us to do towards our desired goal.
I've often pointed out to complainers that entertainment is about... being entertained (
) -- and so there's really no need to get so worked up over things. When I first started trying to combat complaint topic flame-closures back in the day by providing an objective voice, I met a lot of initial success as people more often than not saw that fact, and easily gave up their frustration, and were able to become happier people, despite still continuing to dislike what they do. The topics stopped getting closed all the time, flamewars were averted, and the deepening animosity between "sides" was healed, at least partly.
That has been my greatest joy on here, the ability to actually help people become happier, joyful people who were previously miserable, even if it's through a vehicle as trivial in the long run as toys.
But then I started to meet people who held to a curious belief, one that has continued to puzzle me to this day.
Some people didn't seem to want to be content. I know, if you've never encountered it, it's hard to believe, but it happens. (And just to make this clear, there shall be no naming of names here, and if you think I'm talking about you or you think you know who... Maybe, but believe me, it's not just one or two people. It's many, many. Please do not ask; such comments will be deleted or edited.)
But my best efforts to explain to them the things that had helped others move past their needless frustrations had the opposite effect on this type of people. It got them riled up, even more defensive than before I let loose my admittedly wordy posts (what can I say, I'm still who I am, and wordiness is part of who I am -- never mind that it's the very thing that helped turn around BZP's tendency for debates to always erupt into flamewars. This was a new problem, and the same solution doesn't seem to work).
Being by nature obsessively curious about people, this fascinates me. It was and is totally incomprehensible to me.
But more importantly, I empathize with it. I've been in that position myself -- and yes, failed to understand it even when I was the one doing it. It's been a long time since I've caught myself doing it, but I must be honest and admit that I used to do that all the time. And still more to the point, I want to try to help them, too, somehow, to be more content.
I'm still not sure I get it, but my running theory has been that it's not that they actually WANT to be frustrated, per se, but that they haven't yet realized they're acting like they do. Various religions and other beliefs that we can't get into, including my own, warn me that some people simply fall too far into some kinds of evil to be helped, but I generally assume that they're very rare, and they're the types that get banned right away... if we ever meet them on a site about a toy in the first place.
They seem genuinely upset that they are not being pleased, which strikes me as a cry for help, on some level even if it's only subconscious, for some way to break free of their misery or just frustration. And yet, they object to someone who (claims to, from their perspective) wants to politely suggest a way they might wanna consider to help them. They want to get free of their misery enough to post on a discussion forum, yet seem to have an objection to any discussion that might help them attain their desire, almost as if it was a moral, an absolute rule.
Usually, their responses to my attempts to help, I've noticed, have one thing in common if nothing else.
As unneeded as it seems given that my standard approach includes reminding them that everybody has the right to their own different opinions (or tastes), they tend to act as if I had said they shouldn't have posted their opinion, and they say things along the lines of "it's my opinion, I have the right to it" etc.
So, my theory has been that it's not that they don't want to be free of frustration, but simply that my style of talking, even when I directly and clearly state state that that's my goal, distracts them from that part. They see a big wall of text criticizing them -- it doesn't matter how or about what parts; they simply have a visceral reaction to the fact that someone is disagreeing with them. They don't like people disagreeing with them, so they reiterate their right to their opinion.
Clearly, my standard approach, the one I've practiced and learned well (yes, I'm using it here -- it's my blog
), does not work on them. Well, it still stems off flame usually, even from them, and I've noticed that though they're being defensive about it and misunderstanding, at least they usually come at me trumpeting the very ideas I was promoting, so it's better than if they disagreed with me. Often this alone is enough to eventually use shorter posts in addition to the initial method to help them see why they should avoid their more trollish comments (and, of course, if nothing else works, there's always the proto drop), but it's a long struggle full of misunderstandings, going around and around until finally they see the light. And this does not always work, and frankly, I don't have the time for it usually.
But every attempt I've made to try to figure out what methods do help them see how they can improve, and how to tell beforehand, and even honest attempts by them to try to explain where they're coming from, meets with tons of apparent contradictions from them that leaves just leaves me scratching my head even more than I was before.
For example, a typical Bionicle complaint, applicable to Hero Factory now, is that buildable figures like those lines have moved more towards simplicity. The tastes of such complainers often makes them like complex builds, so they're naturally displeased by the recent changes. Yet, when I use a complex post, including all the important points that answered issues they raised, using my point-by-point quote reply style, they complain about my style of approach for the very same reason typical fans like simple sets -- for being long and complex!
I've caught several complainers over the years actively arguing that complex builds should be done even though most fans don't like them, because it challenges them to learn. Without going into specifics of why I disagree with that, what puzzles me is that the very same individuals are often the ones complaining vehemently about my posts, accusing me of forcing them to read complex things. A self-contradiction. Others don't actively argue for it, but still say that they're fans of complexity, and yet object to complexity.
The biggest example is the common objection they raise that they have the right to post their opinions.
Never mind that it comes in face of me telling them that, yes, they have that right (that contradiction always makes me laugh a bit, I must admit
) -- they also typically seem to be oblivious to the fact that their objection to me posting my opinion is a violation of the very principle they champion and claim for themselves. Now, occasionally, I meet a complainer who's at least a little consistent on this point, and thinks everybody should ONLY post their own opinions on their own, never respond to anyone else's opinion and disagree with them. (To which the obvious answer is, what if someone disagrees with that rule as one of their opinions, and believes it's good to have discussion on a discussion forum? I think that paints a sad picture of humans as hopelessly unable to get along and disagree at the same time, going around in living terror of any human interaction... No thanks.)
The vast majority of them, though, were already quoting or citing others' points and explaining why they disagree before I even enter the picture, doing the same thing I did. I've noticed I'm almost always the scapegoat for their objection to someone quoting others, and other people who they disagree with seem to escape their condemnation simply due to using short posts. This is definately important -- but how to tell beforehand? The short posts also usually do nothing to stop developing flamewars, so it seems important to get the thorough posts out early. But more to the point, my methods or not, it's still a contradiction.
Please note, I'm not trying to say "I'm perfect so stop criticzing me." Obviously, that too would be a contradiction.
I welcome constructive criticism always, at least when it's on-topic and is respectful, and I would hope that everybody would learn to do the same.One big criticism they've leveled at me that I actually agree with is that I can slip into a condescending tone sometimes, often without realizing it.
I don't believe I intend to be condenscending, because I now believe for religious/worldview reasons that condescension is wrong (it is basically a contradiction of our very existence, IMO, but I can't explain why here, although this part of my beliefs stems from pure causality logic more so than my religion), and could if such topics were allowed here, logically prove it. But I used to be condescending to people a lot. Some of that poison is still in me, sadly. This is one case where I am still guilty from time to time of contradicting myself. (And of course I can just say "no offense" or whatnot... but then sometimes I get flak for that because anybody can just say that, doesn't mean they mean it! Oy!)
However, I tend to get this complaint, even when I go out of my way prove that I do not intend condescension, and admit off the bat that I used to have a big problem with that. Even when I do nothing condescending, and focus totally on helping them see things they may have missed, and explain something along the above lines why I believe condescension is wrong, or something like I mentioned in my comment on Turakii's blog entry, about how varying personal tastes and talents are proven to be a good thing for society as a whole, so condescension is nonsensical anyways.... even when I do that, most of these types of complainers predictably still don't believe me.
They appear to simply believe, for example, that all humans are doomed to seeing everybody else's tastes as inferior to their own, despite complete, sound logic that proves that to be false, simply because it's how people tend to start out, and they don't apparently think they can change. I've even had someone directly state that to me recently (again, no names). Someone has also even admitted, even as they accused me of being condescending, that they believed that of me before they even met me, because they believe everybody is, so essentially admitted they were only assuming it. Oy oy, yanno?
What effect does all this have on me?
It frustrates me.
But waaaaaaaaiiiiiiit a second, you're saying. "Bones, I thought you said you knew how to avoid frustration?! Talk about contradictions man!"
Well... you're absolutely right.
I could say a lot that might sound like an excuse, about the science behind why this occurs, how strong emotions have a psychologically contagious aspect to them. And I will indulge that line of reasoning briefly. If you know me much, you know the "Dog Whisperer" (Cesar Millan, Nat Geo... watch it, even if you aren't a dog person
) is a big influence on my personal philosophy. He talks in one of his books about recent scientific findings that emotional cues projected by one person, especially when they are "assertive"; strongly rooted and unyielding, are picked up by functions in others' brains, whether animal or human. Cesar calls this "energy", and it's been scientifically proven that in nature, including with humans, it's as real a part of emotions as the physical chemicals and the brain patterns themselves -- thus emotions themselves can be communicated, not just by words, tone of voice, and facial expression, but also by almost imperceptable body language and actions, almost like how a computer can send a code for color over the 'net to another computer which then runs that code.
Some people, like some dogs or any other kind of mammal, have negative emotions that are much more strongly rooted than in others. (He also says it's much, MUCH, harder for people to change than for dogs to.)
People like this are much less likely to respond quickly to new information that, if they applied intellectually and "programmed their subconscious", or "took it to heart" would give them a happier life. Even when they consciously try to learn these things, it can still be hard to change.
These types, Cesar says, can project a very real aura around themselves that physically changes reality around them wherever other living things are concerned -- can make the lights seem dimmer, little things that wouldn't normally annoy others suddenly seem like big problems, others' behaviors in everything change almost beyond their control, etc. Even Cesar himself, who is the calmest, most joyful person I've ever heard of alive today, is affected by these especially strong cases. He describes this downer as being similar to a drug-induced low (the opposite of a high) in that it takes a long time to recharge from it, a long time to come down from the "high" in terms of the powerful effect on your behavior, though patterns, etc. (or come up from the low).
This is because the emotional cues or energy of the sender cause the recipient to literally produce the chemicals of those emotions (hence the physical reality altering), so it can take a while for those chemicals to be filtered out of the bloodstream. This process is partly influenced by choices we can make, and beliefs we hold, but it's also largely autonomic, meaning it's subconscious, a body function more than what we typically think of as thought, although it does occur in the brain.
These things have many beneficial uses in biology, society, etc. (Ex: A pack of dogs or wolves can be silently alerted to a danger that one dog sees just by reading body language, and the whole pack instantly switches into the right emotional state to meet the threat.) but in this case they are misused, causing more harm than good.
I'm not surprised that even I can get frustrated by such deep-rooted negativity sometimes.
Incidently, this is also why flamewars and the like erupt when we get such posts. Novices at these sorts of things (including very wise elderly people, so don't think this inexperience is age-related or a crime or anything; translation: no offense if this is or was you
) don't know how to handle such cases, and the emotion-cues from a combative, upset, defensive person make them, too, defensive, upset, and combative. However, it doesn't have to be that way.
While sometimes it's impossible not to be infected a little by the negative cues, that doesn't mean we have to channel that negative energy back at the person.
I have to admit that, while I haven't intended to be condescending to anyone in a looong time, I do often post my honest reactions about some of the more outlandish things these types of complainers say, that no clear-thinking person would have said. This is clearly channelling that absorbed negative energy back at them, and while this might be fair, it does not usually solve problems or make things better even for me, much less them. All it does is reinforce their belief that everybody is stuck in the same rut they are anyways, which doesn't lend credibility, of course.
Now, my biggest dream in life can be summed up by a 'vision' I had as a kid, of me as a very old man, who everybody saw as someone who spread peace wherever they go.
People have often described Cesar as a person that can do that -- biggest reason I admire him. I ain't there yet, yanno? So what's he got I ain't, I must ask myself? (Aside from graying hair lol.)
Well, what is frustration? I've said often that people give themselves frustration by setting up unrealistic expectations.
For example, being disappointed when Bionicle's new years again and again don't fulfill the personal hopes they set up for what each new will be; so I don't do that. As such, I have never been frustrated by new things in Bionicle, not even the end of the sets, because I always assume it could end at any time.
So, then, why on earth do I keep being surprised by this type of complainer? Obviously, I must have unrealistic expectations.
I should expect that, statistically, I'm going to run into the occasional person who's emotionally stubborn (or call it what you will
). I've known this for longer than I've been a member -- not that these are hopeless cases but that they're harder cases, people for whom it's going to be hard to choose to improve because the part of them they need to change is something that's become very deeply programmed into their subconscious by their choices over and over, or the like. Yet another part of me, the one that wants to give people the benefit of the doubt, has been acting like that means I should assume I'll never meet them. Nonsense. So once again, I've found a mental wall in my brain -- and now that I've found it, I have broken it down.
(Another thing, BTW... the people I know who get that praise of spreading peace don't react in amazement at such things. Ever. I dunno why the condescension label doesn't get applied to other BZPers who give such honest reactions and does to me, but I do know that the wisest people I know -- Ninjo comes to mind -- NEVER did that. Maybe I should learn from them... Cesar laughs sometimes at the most nonsensical beliefs he encounters, he reacts honestly, but he isn't surprised often.)
Maybe this is a big step towards being able to better respond to these types of complainers. Time will tell of course, but at least, I've found another flaw in myself, so that's one more improvement.
And maybe one more way I can help others. Many frustrations are caused by those walls inside us.
Perhaps this is the very thing that those with the most deeply rooted negative emotions need to hear -- that those internal contradictions are what we can watch for, and when we find them and eliminate them, that's one of the best ways we can avoid needless frustration.
Is it a coincidence that the most stubbornly frustrated people I meet are also the most contradictory? Perhaps not! Maybe that in and of itself is the explanation -- the contradictions are the cause of the frustration.
The typical Bionicle complainer (and you can apply this to just about any entertainment, including HF or other LEGO lines) makes mistakes that I've summed up in other blog entries, such as assuming everybody shares their tastes, or of assuming their tastes are better, or of making "LEGO should" arguments based on just their tastes, etc. While the complainers I'm talking about do sometimes do those things too, usually the only clear formal error they make is to fail to make it clear they don't intend any of those things -- and yet they are still just as upset if not more so. So maybe the real error is, in fact, an internal contradiction.
I have been well aware of the benefit of looking for contradictions, in our own and others' opinions, for a long time.
When it comes to worldviews (which, again, we can't get into here), one of the most effective ways to figure out which worldview is the truth is by looking (logically, BTW, this is done wrong often) at the various parts of it and comparing them to each other, seeing if they contradict or mesh. The truth is whatever is free of any internal contradiction. This can apply to many things, more than just issues such as worldviews. If you think about it, it seems obvious that the best ways of living must also be free of internal contradictions. So maybe a more effective approach here is simply to point those contradictions out.
For now, BTW, my theory is that the typical, root contradiction that such complainers need to see, is between their desire to be happy, and their desire to stick to all approaches they are already using.
Call it pride, call it stubbornness, call it legitimately standing up for the right to have your opinion, call it sheer confusion -- or call it a misplaced assumption that sticking to all opinions no matter what will somehow be what makes them happy -- though even they know it isn't working... Call it what you will, the desire to change nothing in the self is contradicting with the demand of LEGO that they change something -- or at least the strong desire for it even if it's not a "demand". But not everything in the self is personal taste -- some of it is learned, and it's possible to learn bad advice. Those opinions or approached CAN change, if we simply choose to.
How do I know it's bad advice? Simple -- it creates a contradiction, a wall between a part of the complainer's mind and another. Conflicting desires.
Same as the mistake I made.Conflicting desires are not a crime. They are not a sign that you're inhuman or evil -- and for someone to point them out does not mean they're insulting you either, especially if they're trying to help. Everybody does it. And no matter how many walls you break down, there are so many you'll find more, pretty much throughout your life, period. Yes. However, the more you break down, the less frustrated you'll get, the more confident and happy you'll be, and the more of your desires will find satisfaction.
So, my conclusion is that sometimes the real-world things that are denying the fulfillment of our desires -- the most frustrating things -- are not outside us at all, but are inside us.
And if you disagree at all, please keep in mind, no matter how logical my opinion might be (
), it's still just my opinion. Feel free to disagree -- although I'd request you try to explain why, if so. 
A loooot more I'd love to say, but it would distract from the point I wanted to make here, so some other time, perhaps. Also ooone more note: Of course, those outside frustrations are still real. But sometimes we also treat them as a scapegoat for some more contradictions, which make our response to those very real, solid walls of reality, worse than they need to be sometimes. (Especially when it comes to plastic toys.
)Thanks for indulging this ramble, and have a nice day.
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