Depression Sucks - Or - Why I Stepped Down
Entry posted by Toaraga
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Let me say this right off the bat. I am a Christian, yet I have struggled with depression. No matter who you are, depression is never a fun thing to go through.
This is not something I like to broadcast, but I do like to help people. I prefer to do behind-the-scenes stuff with little or no attention on myself. I'm terrible at spearheading projects from scratch, since that's not how my thinking works, but I do like to help people when I see a need. The problem with helping people is that sometimes others will take advantage of that generosity, especially if you're not a person who can easily say no. I did stuff for people, not because I was the best person for the job, but because I didn't know how to say no to helping out and am willing to try. Yes, I like to help, but I don't like to feel manipulated into helping.
For who knows how long, I was doing things that may or may not have been important but feeling miserable and pretty much questioning my self-worth and what I was doing in the real world; I didn't find much enjoyment in a lot of what I did. I even quit giving it my all eventually because I didn't see the point or feel a reason. I did not realize what was happening in my life; all I knew was something was not right, but I didn't know anyone I could really share my problems with, since I didn't trust people. I proved myself to be trustworthy, but I was hesitant about trusting anyone else. I didn't know who I could talk to that cared about and really knew me, and being the introvert that I am, I learned a long time ago how to keep my emotions and thoughts to myself; so often I didn't even think deeply about what I was doing with my life. I was just going through the motions of day-to-day and week-to-week living.
So what does this have to do with BZPower?
I'm going to admit it. BZPower was one of my escapes; it was how I coped with the real world because I didn't know how to face my problems. I felt disrespected, ignored, or used by too many people I had once trusted: family and friends alike, people I grew up with or who watched me grow up, but on here I had developed respect, friendships, and a sense of belonging from people I have never even met. I felt more welcomed here than in the real world. What I did here was contributive, and my opinions were valued; I had even worked my way up the ranks of the staff. People "listened" to what I had to say.
Through some events that began in 2008 at least (maybe before, but I didn't notice), my life began to turn around for the better. One event in particular caused my focus to shift, and I began to make changes in my life. As I was going through these changes, my faith began to be rekindled; I never lost my faith, but it had been weak. I even made new friends over the summer, and I started to really enjoy life outside the Internet and video games... things I once used as an escape. These things just didn't feel worth my time as much. As great as my position at BZPower was and as wonderful as the staff was during my time, my heart wasn't in it anymore, and dealing with moderating was adding to stress I was still dealing with; besides, Christmastime was rolling around, so I knew I was going to be extremely busy with work anyway.
Now don't get the wrong idea. BZPower was neither a cause nor an effect of what I went through; it didn't cause me to be depressed, and I wasn't here just because I was depressed. In fact, it was a great asset in my life. I've gotten to know some wonderful people and even had an excuse to travel last summer, an event that's really made me want to travel more than I already did. It's something that allowed me to really try what I might not have otherwise done.
As I was able to open up with my problems to someone I found I could trust and even took a serious look at my life, I saw the misery I had been through for what it was. I can't say for sure when I really knew I had been going through depression, but I know it was during recent months that I figured it out. Just before Thanksgiving, I was even able to write something for the first time to tell friends and family what I had been through, to confront a part of me that I had learned a long time ago how to keep hidden.
Check this out. I never used any kind of medication to deal with depression (honestly, I'm not sure I would recommend any, since the side effects sound worse than helpful). If something is seriously bothering you, don't be afraid to deal with it. If you're going through depression, find a way to talk about what is bothering you. You might also need to get your focus shifted because your priorities are probably wrong.
I'm not going to lie and say I never get sad or feel down anymore, but now that I'm aware of what I went through, I can better sense when something is going to pull me down. I also find myself wanting to be more optimistic and encouraging... I've think I've always been an optimist at heart, but I was surrounded by pessimistic people for years.
This is why 2009 was the best year of my life.
©1984-2010 Toaraga EAM
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