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Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer: An Objective Analysis

Posted by Sumiki , in Life, Rants, Not Essays!, Writing Dec 22 2012 · 391 views

(Disclaimer: This blog entry is facetious and in no way intended to be factual whatsoever.)
 

It's Christmastime once again, and with it come a wave of songs. This year, I took the time to consider the the implications of the lyrics of Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

 
(I really do have too much time on my hands.)
 
Let's just start off with the first couple of lines, the introduction:
 
You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen,
Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen,
But do you recall?
The most famous reindeer of all?
 
This bothers me. First off, there's the implication that I know those eight other reindeer. Heck, I can't remember their names, except that whenever I hear Blitzen's name I think of Wolf Blitzer's stubbly white beard.
 
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This is, as one can imagine, an utterly horrifying thought - but hey, at least I can remember Blitzen's name.
 
But this also implies that the other eight are so famous that everyone has heard of them, when in reality, the only reindeer that anyone can name is Rudolph. And this intro is implying that we've never heard of him right before launching into a full-fledged biographical song.
 
Okay, minor gripe over. What I'm really concerned about is the reindeer culture, which isn't much of a culture at all. In fact, it seems to be run by bullies - very animalistic. We do know, from the context of the song, that there are more reindeer than just the nine we know of. At the very least, we can assume that there are backups in case something should befall one of the reindeer, rendering him unable to complete the annual journey. Maybe Blitzen got an ingrown hair one year and Santa wanted to take precautions.
 
All of the other reindeer
Used to laugh and call him names;
They never let poor Rudolph
Join in any reindeer games.
 
Reindeer seem to be mean. The song states that all of the reindeer - not just the immature, small ones (which we don't know for sure even exist at the North Pole), but all of them - made fun of Rudolph just because his nose glowed. Logic would dictate that this includes the eight main reindeer, and it seems more and more likely that the reindeer deserve their own places on the naughty list. Meanwhile, Santa's just sitting there watching the spectacle of a young reindeer with an unfortunately bright nose get picked on constantly for something he couldn't help.

 
Unless, of course, Rudolph just has very bad allergies all of the time.
 
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We know from the song that Santa knew of Rudolph's nose and chose to do nothing about it ... until the night before Christmas:
 
Then one foggy Christmas Eve,
Santa came to say,
"Rudolph, with your nose so bright,
Won't you guide my sleigh tonight?"
 
Hold on a second. There are a lot of implications in just one little stanza, so let's go through them. The first is the implication that there is fog everywhere, referring to the entire planet, an unprecedented weather phenomenon that no one has ever seen before, but nonetheless it wasn't going to stop the present delivery from happening.
 
We also now know that Santa lacks headlights on his sleigh. To make toys, Santa must not only employ a massive workforce but also use advanced technology in the present-making process. Since his elves must work year-round to make enough presents for everyone, they must work when there is no natural light outside. At the North Pole, the winter is by and large sunless. Continuing from this logic, Santa must have some sort of artificial light. If you fly around the earth at night and sneak into people's houses, it's kind of necessary to have a few flashlights. If he had magical night-vision, he wouldn't need Rudolph to light the way in the first place.
 
Any way you look at it, Rudolph should not have been an addition to the eight-reindeer team for the reasons provided in the song.
 
Here's the kicker: after it's over, the reindeer now like Rudolph:
 
Then how the reindeer loved him
As they shouted out with glee
"Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer,
You'll go down in history!"
 
... and you're sure that they were shouting that with glee?
 
We now have the first indication that reindeer can talk. Reindeer intelligence is great enough to understand spoken words, as Rudolph understood Santa, but with this stanza we know that reindeer can talk. With speech comes advanced society. Second, telling someone that they're going down in history sounds like a one-liner a bad guy would say in a James Bond movie before they kill someone.
 
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Thusly, I submit to you, the populace of BZPower, absolute incontrovertible proof that the implications contained within the song Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, when paired with simple logic, provide evidence that reindeer are mean and Santa Claus is an imbecilic, lazy troll.
 
Ladies and gentlemen, I rest my case.

 
NEXT TIME: SUMIKI WAKES UP IN THE HOSPITAL AFTER BEING AMBUSHED BY A GANG OF EIGHT REINDEER.

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I think you're overlooking the fact that Rudolph is a genetic anomaly. A mutant. To allow him to continue existing in the gene pool poses a threat to the entire species.

We have never seen a red-nosed reindeer before, or after, so presumably Santa had the good sense to prune that genetic tree while he had the chance.
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Toa Nidhiki05
Dec 22 2012 08:07 PM

Well done. Can you dissect "Frosty the Snowman" next? :P

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Obsessionist
Dec 22 2012 08:14 PM

We also have no evidence that he ever agreed to help Santa.  He probably refused out of spite.

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I think you're overlooking the fact that Rudolph is a genetic anomaly. A mutant. To allow him to continue existing in the gene pool poses a threat to the entire species.

We have never seen a red-nosed reindeer before, or after, so presumably Santa had the good sense to prune that genetic tree while he had the chance.

If Santa wanted to remove Rudolph from the gene pool, it would be best just to put him out of his misery. Some sort of reaction has to take place within the nose itself in order to generate a sufficient amount of light, and that has to hurt.
 

 

Well done. Can you dissect "Frosty the Snowman" next? :P

I don't remember that one being as weird, but I'll see what I can do.

 

 

We also have no evidence that he ever agreed to help Santa.  He probably refused out of spite.

You're right ... Rudolph agreeing to be a part of the reindeer team was never stated, nor was it directly implied.

This has massive implications.

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I feel like you were on to something, but then stopped abruptly.  The theory isn't fully developed.  Why were the reindeer "love" him?  That was never explained at all; I feel like some untold tragic event must have befallen Rudolph before the last stanza; something that is mysteriously absent. Also, although Santa may be an imbecile (more likely very eccentric), I can't imagine he's stupid or lazy.  Some how he got an entire population of elves to work for him nonstop year-round, and there must be some nefarious plot behind the free presents.  In addition, I would wonder how this song got out into the eyes of the public anyways.  We haven't heard any more information, and I'd bet my last widget that Santa is unhappy about it.  Something much larger than it seems is at work here.
 
If you can tie it all together cohesively, then you can color me impressed.
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We already had implications that the reindeer had an advanced society before the mention of speech. Rudolph was not allowed to "join in any reindeer games," implying that the reindeer had developed recreational activities separate from those of humans. The development of such activities would require the reindeer to have time available to use, time that is not spent acquiring resources or surviving in harsh Arctic conditions; food and shelter are most likely provided by Santa.

 

Also, this analysis raises the question as to how much Santa cares about his reindeer, and to an extent what his true motives are. Although he obviously cares enough to provide them with basic necessities, he neglects to help Rudolph when he is being picked on until Rudolph is of some use to him. Also, as Roablin pointed out, Rudolph's fate is left ambiguous by the end of the song. What exactly went on between Santa and Rudolph? From this information, we can deduce that Santa is a cold-hearted individual who only keeps the reindeer alive as long as he needs them. What happened to Rudolph is anyone's guess, but Santa could be much more sinister than he comes off as.

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Hilariously enough, a certain blog put up a video about this just a few days ago. It really is an evil little song. :U
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Rudolph's nose is secretly a laser array. When he gets really mad, Santa will have reindeer for dinner.

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I think we're really getting into some deep stuff here. This could have massive implications and could change much of what we know about Santa Claus.

 

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He's the lord of all strangeness. - Ignika: Nerd of Life

How awesome is Sumiki on a scale of 1 to 10? - Waffles
42. - Black Six

[He's] the king of wierd, the prince of practicality, the duke of durr! - Daiker

Sumiki is magic. - Cholie

Sumiki says, "Do I creeeeeeep you out?" Yes, he does. - Waffles

Sumiki is a nub. He's cool, but he's still a nub. - Ran Yakumo

 

"What is a Sumiki?" You may ask. But the answer to that is still unknown, even to the Sumiki itself. - Daiker

Ah, Sumiki. - Electric Turahk

 

LISTEN TO SUMIKI - Cholie

 

Sumiki is best snickerdoodle. - Takuma Nuva

 

BZPower = Sumiki + McSmeag + B6. And Hahli Husky. - Vorex

 

What's a Sumi? Does it taste good? - Janus

 

I would have thought Sumiki wanted to reincarnate as a farm animal. - Kraggh

 

EAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH - Kakaru

 

Sumiki: the horse_ebooks of bzp - VampireBohrok

 

Everything relates to Sumiki. No really, everything. - Daiker

 

He's in worse mental condition than I thought. - Obsessionist

 

I'm just wondering why I'm looking at some cat dancing ... I suppose the answer would simply be "Sumiki." - Brickeens

 

I was like a beast, screaming through the mind of Sumiki at the speed of sound. I.. I wasn't strong enough to stop myself. What I saw was the end of infinity, through which one can see the beginning of time, and I will never be the same. - Portalfig

 

I imagine the 13th Doctor will be rather like Sumiki, at the rate we're going. - rahkshi guurahk

 

I was quite sure Sumiki had another set of arms stashed somewhere. - Bfahome

 

Note to future self: don’t try to predict Sumiki, he’s unpredictable. - Voltex

 

Let's be honest, I would totally have picked my main man Sumiki to lead my goose-stepping night killers anyway. We tight like that, yo. - Xaeraz

Sumiki
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Every week, I post a new "Tuesday Tablescrap", a small MOC not worthy of a topic, but something to post and inspire me to build more.

10/25/11 - Duplo Flower
11/1/11 - Slender Man and Masky
11/8/11 - Bizarre Black Spaceship
11/15/11 - 2001 Monolith

11/22/11 - My Little Slizer 50
11/29/11 - Punching Bag
12/6/11 - Thunder and Escorts
12/13/11 - Three Concepts
12/20/11 - Kaxium Alternate
12/27/11 - None (Christmas Break)

1/3/12 - Daiker
1/10/12 - None
1/17/12 - Volant
1/24/12 - Nidman's Chute Shoop Shop
1/31/12 - None (Brickshelf down)
2/7/12 - None
2/14/12 - Atomic Lime
2/21/12 - Spearhead
2/28/12 - Glatorian Kahi
3/6/12 - Seeker
3/13/12 - Skyscraper
3/20/12 - Microphone
3/27/12 - Toa Vultraz
4/3/12 - Flammenwerferjüngeres
4/10/12 - Umbrella
4/17/12 - Lime Beetle
4/24/12 - Special - Flame Sculpture
5/1/12 - None (BZPower down)
5/8/12 - Purple Ninja
5/15/12 - The Original Sumiki
5/22/12 - 7/24/12 - None
7/31/12 - Tahu
8/7/12 - None (BrickFair)
8/14/12 - Special - Chess Set
8/21/12 - Heavily Armored Wasp
8/28/12 - Spaceship Drill
9/4/12 - Scuba Vehicle
9/11/12 - Orange Guy
9/18/12 - Strange Flying Thing
9/25/12 - Goblet
10/2/12 - None
10/9/12 - Aim .............................. Down
10/16/12 - Gold Bot
10/23/12 - Teal Mech
10/30/12 - Special - Teal Mech (#2)
11/6/12 - Bits and Pieces
11/13/12 - Two Spaceships
11/20/12 - TARDIS Interior
11/27/12 - Christmas Creep
12/4/12 - Toaraga
12/11/12 - Fireplace
12/18/12 - Abstract Duckling
12/25/12 - None (Christmas)
1/1/13 - Black Bot
1/8/13 - 1/22/13 - None
1/29/13 - Handheld Rhotuka Launcher
2/5/13 - 8/6/13 - None
8/13/13 - The Hinklebot
8/20/12 - Special - Post-Apocalyptic Piyufi

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Formerly known as the Bring Back Teal Club, the Unused Colors Society is a club that serves to promote colors that are little-used or discontinued, such as teal, old purple, or metallic blue.

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If you learn one thing in life, learn this:

You should never, ever question why demons would possess a soda.

just a heads up - Cthulhu would probably eradicate mankind before bringing back Bionicle
 
so yeah, all I'm saying is, please think twice about this okay

nothing gets democracy flowing like erratic capitalizatION

[the NSA] couldn't say no when I offered them an ostrich farm in exchange

Sumiki -- nice try but we all know Toa Mata Nui stuffs its bra

 


 


 


You have a great understanding of history, but don't forget, war, murder and other poor decisions are also huge characteristics.

Also a long line of really great hats.

Shhh, I'm trying to focus on the negative to justify my dislike of history.

have we mentioned hats

To be fair, I am the one responsible for the invention of Mafia in the 1320s by seventeen bored italians locked in a mine shaft.
 
It's a long story.

 

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