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BLOGARITHM CONTEST #7: The Wisdom of Sumiki


Sumiki

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Some of you may be wondering about me and my sanity due to my various profile updates, which have, as of late, been getting around outside BZP. There's now a Wisdom of Sumiki tumblr and twitter. (I cannot take credit for the operation of either of those accounts.) I also feel as if my activity on here has waned a bit, and I'd like to take a step towards rectifying it. Thus, I decided that it's time for another Blogarithm Contest.

 

Let's talk about my status updates for a minute - specifically, what's behind them. I'm a simple man, and I like simple, ludicrous status updates. What originally started out as a mashup of whatever surrealist things I came across has taken on a mind of its own.

 

So let's pretend that these aren't snippets of wisdom that mere mortals are unable to comprehend. Realistically or not, let's assume that there's a pattern here. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is theorize on the nature of my status updates. In other words, tell me how you think I derive them.

 

You have until January 15th at 11:59 PM Eastern to post your theories in the comments section, and you're allowed to submit up to three entries. After the polls, the winner will be announced on January 19th. The winner will receive a prize.

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You have invented a new form of musical notation, which uses syllables to represent notes. Your status updates are in reality short piano pieces.

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Sumiki channels the amazing powers of Vezon, Deadpool, Murdock, and The Mentalist to select the exact and precise words and word order needed.

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You get them from commercials. Likely, you take every 3rd, 5th or 8th word spoken in the commercial, or something similar. If it was Lhik, it'd obviously be every 13th, not sure what it'd be for you. It's also possible you exclude brand names and the like.

 

-
:burnmad:

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They are all simply part of an algorithm, one so powerful and so intricate, that if coded correctly could ultimately destroy the very infrastructure of this world, which would let Sumiki's roam the earth wreaking havoc wherever they go. Eventually, with Sumiki Prime (the head Sumiki) as their leader, the Sumiki's would rule the world with enmity and violence using farm animals as tools of war. For him to finish these algorithms would essentially foreshadow the dark and merciless future the Sumiki's have planned for us. That is an incredibly scary thought. I pray that the algorithm will never be completed; otherwise, we are doomed.

 

-Rez

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Surprisingly, it is a simple process that forms highly philosophical messages. Sumiki first takes the first and last notes of a piece by any famous composer (though he is partial at the moment to Chopin), and then converts their tones into a corresponding human pheromone. He then exposes test groups of 400 individuals to this pheromone and records their moods. These moods each have differing corresponding number values on a very special spreadsheet. Sumiki adds these values together and then counts backwards through the Oxford English Dictionary. This is how he obtains the so-called "odd words" in his status updates, so called by those ignorant souls who view his profile with empty minds. He then uses a trained blindfolded Orangutan to pick a book in the Congressional Library and a trained blindfolded spider monkey to pick a page in the book. Sumiki then replaces nouns, verbs and adjectives in that sentence with ones he chose using his pheromone method to convey cryptic snippets of wisdom from his great mind.

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They are just random. You try to fool us with a well laid plan. But I see through it. Pure randomness meant to distract us from something far more... less random, as it is clearly a plot of deception designed to ensnare our attention.

 

I applaud your efforts, but you have failed.

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Mere mortals cannot comprehend the mental processes of Sumiki because of their fourth dimensional nature.

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Sumiki listens to Broadway play soundtracks and chooses the 42nd word of the first song over 7 minutes. Repeating this process, he gathers enough words to modify sentences from ancient aramaic texts into wise sayings for the modern age.

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