i may or may not be playing an inordinate amount of games while in college
i had a pretty good day today altogether. at first it kinda sucked because i was in one of my... er, like... depressed? moods (not wanting to get out of bed, then spending too much time in the shower, that sort of thing -- with a lot of stressing over really dumb little things). but after playing Archeage with some friends of mine (we kinda just killed other players all day, like hanging out in Haranya and waiting for people to attack us before blowing them up, it was fun -- we also killed some of our own faction members, but shhhh), and after that i went out to do the laundry here at my campus for the first time (which was a massive, massive source of anxiety and stress for me all week) but i went with one of my roommates which made it easier, plus the place didn't have a lot of people -- a few girls just waiting on their stuff (who were all pretty nice, one complimented my shirt and i was able to have some light conversation with the other two who were upperclassmen).
laundry took like 2 hours total (between taken machines, broken machines and waiting for stuff to adequately dry and folding stuff), but it's free so whatever.
idk that experience really brought up my mood for some reason (well i also ate some trail mix with m&m's which might have helped, since chocolate releases endorphin iirc)
i mean it probably sounds really dumb and weird but yeah, this is me.
I debated for a -long- time on whether or not I'd come out and say this on BZPower, or if I would simply quietly outfit my profile to make it obvious. Normally I'm more comfortable doing the latter, it's my Facebook approach (though there hosts family and real life people, which is another issue entirely) but since this is BZPower and I feel pretty comfortable here for the most part, I thought why not make a blog entry? It's a part of who I am, about my life, and about how I would like others to refer to me on the site.
In real life I generally present myself as male. Not really by choice most of the time, but because that's what people will assume when they meet me and I'm far too nervous, shy and anxious to ever correct or try to assert how I prefer to be seen and referred to. I also, currently, don't wear the outfits and clothes I would absolutely adore to wear out in public, nor do I spend time with makeup (again, due to a lot of various insecurities and how my anxiety acts up). As a result of this, I've adopted to using basically either gender neutral terms (Ze/Hir/Hirself) or straight up female pronouns (She/Her/Herself) when online (I really want to get to the point where I am just as comfortable and confident IRL, but right now going to such lengths would likely cause me to... well, experience anxiety on a level were I'd be physically sick).
I sift between gender expressions and identity: sometimes I'm completely comfortable being seen and referred to as male. Sometimes it bothers me, makes me feel upset and angry and depressed and I might go down a self-destructive road in a warped attempt to fix my feelings, or fix myself. The majority of the time I like ze/hir/hirself pronouns -- they aren't tied to a gender in the binary, but they share similarities to female pronouns and I prefer it for that reason (exactly why? I don't know, I really can't give anyone an explicit "this is the precise reason why I like this" All I know is I feel more comfortable, I feel happier, I feel depressed less and I treat myself better), however; as this is a website, there is the option to change one's gender on their profile. I've gone to the length that I will select a gender for how I feel in hopes people will notice and use the associated pronouns to refer to me at that point in time... rather than me making requests all the time.
So, I guess this is... kind of my way of coming out as pangender?
It's not exactly new to me, I've had these sorts of feelings for a -long- time (started early high school, actually) but I never had words to ascribe to them, never had any resources to peruse before, never was pointed in any direction for proper help with these issues, and was often ignored when I asked for help trying to figure all this out as it was causing me extreme distress and discomfort. I never mentioned them here in the past as I didn't have the words and I was terribly frightened of someone mocking me, or using it as a springboard to attack who I am. Or to use the entry, or wherever it was stated, as a way to drudge up their personal opinions on something they don't have any authority to talk about in such a manner.
But, within the last... two? Years I've been able to find resources for nonbinary identities, I've been able to talk to some people about how I feel and get some solid help I wanted (namely just "Do other people feel this way? Is this some kind of phase I always hear people talk about? Will the feelings go away if I ignore them? Am I messed up, is there something wrong with my brain's chemistry or the chemistry of my biology? Etc..."). Of course I do want to take some of this to a therapist eventually, to receive more resources and assistance with other issues I have, but I'm still hesitant as I've never had a therapist I felt comfortable with (I basically just had one who only emphasized my fears constantly, which lead me to having near-breakdowns with them and I never wanted to see them again. So I'm hesitant about finding a new one).
And ever since I started identifying as Pangender, and since I started to refer to myself with my own desired pronouns, I've felt so much better. I still fall into depression and other problems, but I try to combat it with exercise, eating better (well, trying to eat better... I... actually still need to eat something today :x) instead of unhealthier means (none of which I will explain, so don't ask).
Annnnnd normally I don't try to post this level of personal thing on this blog, but... I mean, it deals with how I want people to see me and understanding myself, so I thought it'd be beneficial. Thanks for reading, I guess?
haven't really dug into the new story too much, but already i like it's presentation SO MUCH MORE than the last Living Story season (it feels more like... a continuation of the main story, versus a sort of side plot event that you can ignore). I'm also glad they got rid of Scarlet, who i had such high hopes for as an antagonist last season but she was too... like, errr... she was too... stale? she didnt change much and she kept doing the same stuff over and over again :/ (had a killer outfit, though)
idk if anyone here really plays it much, im in a few guilds (Friends of Mine which is literally just me and some really close friends, TIME which has a latin name i can't spell and was my friends' RP story thing, Our Sanctuary which is a LGBTQA+ safe space guild,, Official Mesmer Forum Guild, and then Eularity whom i refer to as celry (their tag is ELRY).
im on tarnished coast with most of the NA RPing community, though im generally messing around in WvWvW b/c i can throw purple lasers at players there . (and i get T6 materials more reliably there for whatever reason and im getting kinda close-ish to my first Legendary... need like... 700g total but i have the most expensive components done [precursor annnnnd 100 charged lodestones])
(tbh i want to play a largos so badly anet get on that)
i dont want to edit it later b/c i know im gonna have to like, nix a lot of the dialogue and change it so it's not practically bleeding all over the pages that "kit ships these two and so should you and i will shove it down your face hole"
(my old PC's that had the free software died since then, harddrive one my desktop ended up getting shot somehow but i honestly dont mind the $10 price tag on it since MS Word is like $75 - 100~ ish).
i just really love the music, how it saves and organizes work, switching the backgrounds and stuff (it makes me feel more creative which helps with creative writing)
will it fit, will it not
who knows, buy it to find out
will it flow in the wind like an oversized flag, or will it try to crush your internal organs
only one way to find out
(that guess will be seventy dollars pls)
edit: also yes i will rant about this on all my blogs
made me wish a lot that there was a game out there that would let male characters wear the female outfits and vice-versa
dancing woulda been enhanced by a ballgown
(i made a male elf with pink hair so)
anyway that's all kit's been up to these last few days, ze's a really boring person i know
also my hamburglar outfit:
also the pink's on purpose; pink is a pretty color and i will deck my online self (and offline self, though it's not a particularly flattering color on me -- purple is a bit more, i think) in it.
almost removed the splash art thing (it's ancient... well, maybe three years??? four?? i lost those dog tags forever ago, but i got them more as a little bit of morale support for myself at the time so i kept the splash thing there)
was tempted to put a selfie somewhere 'cuz it's a blog 'n junk and that's how i usually mark my blogs, but eeeeeeehhhhhhhhhh
if i ever get the confidence to properly do myself up in makeup and find a flattering outfit (specifically like, a skirt i really like and a cute hoodie or something since idk, i tried such a combination of clothes once in Macy's while i was bored and i thought i looked quite pretty -- still kinda shocked they had things i could wear even if it fit somewhat oddly which was reason numero uno i didn't get them) then i will likely use it there (and prolly promptly update all my other ones haha)
(usually the standard t-shirt/jeans combo is boring to wear, but i dont like wearing shorts since i can't wear leggings or stockings with them [kinda self conscious about my legs for some reason... like, how pale they are, i think? i dunno, it's weird])
look at all these parentheses
also 701st entry yay pretty
Splash Image, Away!
pretty pretty princess
Group: Premier Retired Staff
Joined: 15-March 06
Member No.: 39854
March, 15, 2006
Site Position: Retired Staff
Gender/Pronouns: Pangender, please use Ze/Hir/Hirself pronouns (Or what is listed in my profile that day) thank you.
Occupation: top secret
Shortened form of interests;
Books, games, movies, writing, drawing and i like art and history
i'm pacifistic, by and large
19 Years of Age.
Lego Conventions Visited:
Formerly Assisted: Fan Created Games, Collectibles, Comedies, Lego General Discussion, Completely Off Topic, LEGO Sets, Voting Booth, LEGO RPG.
Sexual Orientation: it's all glitter and rainbows here, punk
Religious Views: kinda messy and personal (like i'm 90% sure i'm the only person who believes in the things i do)
Off Site Info:
- Princess Kitania (@PrincessKitania) is my brand new Twitter account (I may swear/post nsfw anecdotes there, just sort of a disclaimer)
As it's my twitter account it's not going to be heavily policed by me, there will likely be rated R content on it from time to time. Kind of the same rules my tumblr blog follows.
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cred for this totally goes to disky from like forever ago
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