Something Important About Myself
Entry posted by Noxryn
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Okay.
I debated for a -long- time on whether or not I'd come out and say this on BZPower, or if I would simply quietly outfit my profile to make it obvious. Normally I'm more comfortable doing the latter, it's my Facebook approach (though there hosts family and real life people, which is another issue entirely) but since this is BZPower and I feel pretty comfortable here for the most part, I thought why not make a blog entry? It's a part of who I am, about my life, and about how I would like others to refer to me on the site.
In real life I generally present myself as male. Not really by choice most of the time, but because that's what people will assume when they meet me and I'm far too nervous, shy and anxious to ever correct or try to assert how I prefer to be seen and referred to. I also, currently, don't wear the outfits and clothes I would absolutely adore to wear out in public, nor do I spend time with makeup (again, due to a lot of various insecurities and how my anxiety acts up). As a result of this, I've adopted to using basically either gender neutral terms (Ze/Hir/Hirself) or straight up female pronouns (She/Her/Herself) when online (I really want to get to the point where I am just as comfortable and confident IRL, but right now going to such lengths would likely cause me to... well, experience anxiety on a level were I'd be physically sick).
I sift between gender expressions and identity: sometimes I'm completely comfortable being seen and referred to as male. Sometimes it bothers me, makes me feel upset and angry and depressed and I might go down a self-destructive road in a warped attempt to fix my feelings, or fix myself. The majority of the time I like ze/hir/hirself pronouns -- they aren't tied to a gender in the binary, but they share similarities to female pronouns and I prefer it for that reason (exactly why? I don't know, I really can't give anyone an explicit "this is the precise reason why I like this" All I know is I feel more comfortable, I feel happier, I feel depressed less and I treat myself better), however; as this is a website, there is the option to change one's gender on their profile. I've gone to the length that I will select a gender for how I feel in hopes people will notice and use the associated pronouns to refer to me at that point in time... rather than me making requests all the time.
So, I guess this is... kind of my way of coming out as pangender?
It's not exactly new to me, I've had these sorts of feelings for a -long- time (started early high school, actually) but I never had words to ascribe to them, never had any resources to peruse before, never was pointed in any direction for proper help with these issues, and was often ignored when I asked for help trying to figure all this out as it was causing me extreme distress and discomfort. I never mentioned them here in the past as I didn't have the words and I was terribly frightened of someone mocking me, or using it as a springboard to attack who I am. Or to use the entry, or wherever it was stated, as a way to drudge up their personal opinions on something they don't have any authority to talk about in such a manner.
But, within the last... two? Years I've been able to find resources for nonbinary identities, I've been able to talk to some people about how I feel and get some solid help I wanted (namely just "Do other people feel this way? Is this some kind of phase I always hear people talk about? Will the feelings go away if I ignore them? Am I messed up, is there something wrong with my brain's chemistry or the chemistry of my biology? Etc..."). Of course I do want to take some of this to a therapist eventually, to receive more resources and assistance with other issues I have, but I'm still hesitant as I've never had a therapist I felt comfortable with (I basically just had one who only emphasized my fears constantly, which lead me to having near-breakdowns with them and I never wanted to see them again. So I'm hesitant about finding a new one).
And ever since I started identifying as Pangender, and since I started to refer to myself with my own desired pronouns, I've felt so much better. I still fall into depression and other problems, but I try to combat it with exercise, eating better (well, trying to eat better... I... actually still need to eat something today :x) instead of unhealthier means (none of which I will explain, so don't ask).
Annnnnd normally I don't try to post this level of personal thing on this blog, but... I mean, it deals with how I want people to see me and understanding myself, so I thought it'd be beneficial. Thanks for reading, I guess?
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