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The Apathy Pit


Just a few thoughts

Posted by The Present Automaton , Nov 30 2012 · 200 views

Does anyone else ever get those times when they fear they've bet on the wrong horse, per se? I occasionally wonder whether I was right to put all my points into the arts. Its a wonderful subject and an excellent tool for studying the progression of human culture through time but then thats all literature and cinema really are, as well as, of course entertainment for the masses. Every now and then Ill consider the other options I could have taken in life and feel the occasional sting of regret. How different would things be if Id taken a science into my A Levels? Or maths? I guess theyre not things Ive always held close to my heart but Ive never been bad at them. Just not all that motivated. Would I have been able to stay interested all the way through the two years necessary to get a halfway decent qualification in them?

Its really just curiosity I guess. Maybe I should stop watching so many documentaries about the workings of our universe or reading so many novels that praise the power of mathematics (Curse you The Devotion of Suspect X for planting the seed of doubt). And theres nothing to keep  me from doing that. Theres no reason I cant pick up some books on the subjects I want to learn about next time Im in Waterstones, and then revise from them to the point where I can recite each one word for word until Im blue in the face, but then what would be the point? It gives me the power to say that I can do so but my knowledge will always be lacking. Compared to a student of Physics, itd be laughable to say that Im knowledgeable on the subject.
Of course, the reason for my wondering is that Im unsure if its too late to change the direction of my life. Im on my way to finishing my A2 levels and with any luck, next year Ill be well away to University wherever thatll be and my only option for any of those will be related to Literature, English Language or Film Studies. And theyre ultimately all rather similar. It would appear that unless I abandon ship and spend the rest of my life working in a shop then I am destined to have a job in either the media or the arts, both of which are tightropes underneath which is a net filled with likeminded people who thought they had a chance to make it. Im interested now in other subjects but at this stage its far too late. I may want to study Physics but Ive already thrown in my lot. I may want to fill my head with formulae and equations but in the end theres little to no point as any hypothetical degree I receive in University, should I make it, will always say English and thats what everyone will read.
But I guess this is just related to a problem of my own. My English Language teacher (Not the one I refer to as the ice queen, who informed me I have no chance) reported a similar concern once, though not for as overarching a subject. They said that I have a tendency to spread myself too thinly across too many subjects and there certainly is no way for me to deny this. Its the same tendency thats inspiring me to improve my drawing skills (which isnt going that great, thanks for asking), to learn how to play the piano and even to simply train my left hand for writing. The same tendency that makes me want to study politics, law and classical history. That makes me want to continue learning French, Spanish and Japanese until I finally understand how I'm meant to hold an entire second language in my head. I distract myself with aspirations and when I realise theyre fruitless goals I grow frustrated.
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In other news: Oh bugger, I think the depression symptoms of my medication are kicking in. 

False life of the automaton

Ontario, Canada

English Literature

Creative Writing


Video games.

Complaining about video games.

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November 2012