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The Abode of a OTC RPG Judge



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Thoughts on adulthood

Posted by Engineer Alexandra Humva , Nov 17 2013 · 126 views

So here we are; it's November, soon to be December, and then 2014 will be here. Once upon a time a month seemed like a magically vast distance, each day feeling like an eternity. Now, they flash by me at a rate akin to going down the freeway and watching incoming traffic. Soon enough it'll be my birthday, and then I'll graduate highschool. Seems not all too long ago that I entered it as an asocial little shell of a person. So much has happened and yet it all it compacted into my head, not as weeks and months and years but defining events separated by the meagerness of living. I suppose that, twenty years from now, I won't remember much of this, only the few things that stick out. Everything else will be categorized in my brain as the past years have been categorized; events, with things that didn't mean much in the long run in the middle.
 
I'll be gone from that little island of not-tranquility that is my house in relatively short order, or maybe I won't. College living is expensive and while me and my best mate can joke about us moving in together now, when it actually comes down to it I'm not sure we could stand being roomies in his apartment. He has his own life to pursue and I have my own, I can't hang off of him forever. College itself will be daunting, with a work schedule I haven't properly experienced yet, but with it will come freedom I haven't properly known as well. With any luck, the scholarship competitions I have participated in will pay off and I'll get through college with minimal use of student loans. That'd be a dream, really.
 
From there I'll graduate with a bachelors of mechanical engineering, get a job, and hopefully start on my master's degree. Eventually I'll get it and secure a spot in the corporate world, going about my daily work as an engineer in an ever expanding technological world. Maybe I'll get married, maybe not. Maybe I'll have kids, maybe not. Somehow, I don't think I an anticipate either of those.
 
All of that is well and good, until I start thinking a bit more deeply on it. How many friends will I lose to college? How many of those I once knew will move, or simply stop talking with me? I could make new friends, and indeed, many see college as a chance to start all over. But starting over is something I've had plenty of. I've moved too many times now to care for it again. I've met good people here, people I'd hate to lose simply because of time. Yet, it will likely end up that way. There's not a whole lot you can do but try and save a few relationships.
 
And then there's my family. My ever supporting but ultimately flawed family. We intend to file for chapter seven bankruptcy after the first of the year; my family's debts have simply become too great to handle. Whether or not our problem with spending will go away is something uncertain. My father indulges in the expensive hobby of photography and my mother in the less expensive but quite bulky hobby of scrapbooking. She had at least a thousand dollars worth of paper in her room and more in other supplies and tools, exact estimates are hard to figure out. It's a serious problem and only time will tell how it'll go down.
 
This has, understandably, brought up some rifts in my parents' relationship, some pre-existing and others not. It's a strained time, and the possibility of divorce is a real one. I'm old enough that I could take the blunt of it and be fine; my sister, however, could not. She already suffers from some mental disabilities, and has a naive look on the world that stems from those, alongside the fact that saying she is sheltered is the understatement of the year. I can fend for myself in matters like this; she cannot, and as such, I have to try and do my best to keep her from just breaking under it all.
 
But some things I can't control, and this is one of them. I have no authority in this matter, and even after I become an adult in the eyes of the law, that won't change anything in my family life. I can only hope, then, that things get better. I know they won't, but hey, it can't hurt to at least hope.
 
So I'll go off to college, probably still living with my parents until the time comes that I have an internship of some sort to strike off on my own. I'll have less time and yet, paradoxically, more time to do the things I love. My best mate explained it to me this way; college is tough, and it definitely makes you think about what you do, and yet he can spend hours with his family, go down to Old Town and play his harmonica into the waning hours of the night, and visit with his girlfriend every day. The fact that they live together helps with the latter bit.
 
My schedule will change, and yet, I'll be able to do more things than I do now. I'll (hopefully) have a car that I can use to go places, something I'm utterly unable to do right now by virtue of living in the Kansas suburbs without so much as even a bike. I can visit people, places, spend time doing things that really matter. College will be long and hard but I'll be doing something I love, learning about things that can make a difference. Engineering is my passion and so, when I'm up at 2 AM in the morning trying to get that thesis done, I'll be able to remind myself why I'm doing it.
 
So I suppose that's what adulthood means to me. Nothing will magically change on my birthday, other than the ability to pay taxes and vote. College won't even change much. My family will still have problems, I'll still have to deal with problems. The difference will be that I can do my own thing, and love doing it. The difference is that while time will only continue to fly by, instead of filling my days with nothingness to be blotted out and replaced with something else when convenient, I'll be out making things happen. I don't know what things really, but I know I'll be doing something. I won't be sitting around the house ten hours a day wondering what I could try today. I'll be out there, maybe joining my best mate down at Old Town with my drums.
 
At any rate, it'll be an adventure. There's the curse that's suppose to be Chinese, for your life to be filled with excitement. A boring life may be the better one, but even worse is one that has the same problems day in and day out. Adulthood means change, college means change. I'd rather deal with the problems they bring than continue with the ones I've dealt with for years now.


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A bit of an explanation of me

Posted by Engineer Alexandra Humva , Aug 21 2013 · 1,748 views

I am and have been for as long as I can remember, a violent person. I don't know why; maybe it's the genetics, maybe its the hormones, maybe its just me. But when I see a situation, I want to charge headfirst in there and start breaking some bones. It's my impulse reaction to basically anything that doesn't go my way. But as I found out from a young age, it never really worked out. Thankfully I got that under control by the time I reached the age where I really could break people's bones. Nowadays you'll find that I'm a pretty chill guy, nothing much can really send me into an ungodly rage. There are a few things but they're fairly limited. Yet despite this I do still have to keep my peace, and fight back those urges. It's a part of my daily life, making sure that I settle issues with words, rather than my fist.
 
It's taught me quite a few things throughout life. While I used to view violence as a glorious thing now I can barely stand it. I might talk big about breaking bones but, well, the thought is fairly repugnant to me. Watching other people fight is what drove me away from most competitive sports. It extends further to text as well; often times when I get into verbal debates that become too fierce I become quickly depressed. My parents and friends can attest to the fact that if someone screams at me I will quite often break into tears. Trust me, it's really awkward when the six foot six broad guy starts bawling in the same room as you. It's something I've been working to overcome; can't very well become a politician if you can't take some snide remarks after all. So most of the time I wrap myself in an aura of apathy and uncaring, all in an effort not to actually let it strike me home.
 
So that's me. A boiling pot filled with suppressed anger issues, the inability to take a mean-spirited comment without falling into depression or aforementioned anger, and a shield of pacifistic apathy I have created to keep the two contained. Wonderful psycho-analysis, now what's my actual point in all of this? My actual point is that I've been watching the blogs and I've found myself becoming more and more pushed aside. I kept my opinions mostly to myself, made some touchy-feely entries about reason and logic. But, now here it is, my thoughts laid out on the table for the world to see. I feel like I'm being pushed away. I feel like those I share opinions with, like Jinkmeister and Xccj, who have both been so venomously attacked for touting love and peace. Let me quote some notable excerpts from Jinkmeister's blog. "I think people should stop judging other people for the way they live their lives," and "Love, respect, and dignify every single person, regardless of their gender, attractions, race, religion, beliefs..."

 
So I simply must ask myself, and presumably the reader, why is it that, a bisexual youth living in Kansas, a decidedly not gay-friendly place, am feeling excluded and pushed away, on one of the only sites I'm active on anymore, by those I had hoped would be a comfort on this site, simply because I feel that shouting at the other side accomplishes nothing? Xccj presented a well reasoned argument and he was told that he was doing it wrong. I don't even have a well reasoned argument, I have what I know to be true. And that is that I would never punch my real life friends for the views I know they hold. Because I've talked to them about it. Some never changed. Some have. Some now are completely ok. Not because I yelled at them. Not because they yelled at me. Not because I told them that they were awful people. 
 
But because I showed them that I, at the end of it all, was just their friend and just some random guy going through the world. Because I showed them love when they did not. And, in the end, most of them did the same to me. The rest, well, the rest don't talk to me anymore and if they do, my fist is ever ready.


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My story of BZP

Posted by Engineer Alexandra Humva , Aug 17 2013 · 151 views

Disclaimer, I'm writing this purely out of my own memory and whatever records I could easily access. If I've misremembered things, do be sure to tell me, it's been six years and my brain sometimes deletes important and unimportant details alike.
 
The year was 2006. I was... much younger. I was involved in the Lego message board and I liked to think myself the voice of reason there. I was also ten and as such really quite stupid. Eventually I stumbled upon the post talking of a site known as BZPower; the guy was talking about this comedy he read there. My interests were a lot simpler so I went over to this site, back in the day when lagouts and old-timey version of the 2001 error appeared. It also was the days when bubblewrap was a thing. So there I was, sitting on a computer made before I was born, with a rural Oklahoma internet connection, and I started to read in the comedy forum. Good stuff, though I quickly became annoyed that the serial comedy I was reading vanished from the page after a day. I didn't really understand the concept of forums and posts moving about based on when they had a post and eventually I'd get fed up and forget about it.
 
Then in mid 2007, for reasons I don't actually remember, I joined BZP. Technically my parents didn't want me on forums so this involved a lot of trickery with my little computer and my mom's laptop, which had her e-mail. Once I was actually in it took me a while to figure out how this whole thing worked, but then it'd be many years more of me doing stuff. My first works was this comedy, "Job with Brutaka," that may still float around in the archives. It was... terrible, but I was quite proud of it at the time, and I even got some people to like it. Eventually I'd find a home in the COT, responding to topic and even making my first TBRPG. Spoiler alert, it was terrible. Good God it was terrible.
 
Eventually I even got into comic making, ran a few successful series, made plenty of strips. Amassed some minor fame for that, tried my hand at animated films with the comics, but that was really just too much effort on my poor little kid brain. I remember being jealous of Dark709 and his success, and was part of the "why is he so popular despite the fact that he only makes comics every half year?!" crowd. Not the proudest of my moments. I eventually grew out of that stage, saw new up and comers become famous like Galva. I think Galva Comics are still around actually.
 
So then I started to become more deeply involved in the TBRPG community in COT, and would begin what I consider my "modern" stay on BZP. After a few minor problems due to being an utter noob, I became more and more involved in the COTRPG scene. I was there when the Judging System was instituted, and remember like this was the most amazing thing I'd ever seen. Didn't quite live up to expectations but that's bureaucracy for you. My second RPG, Outbreak, was submitted for approval a day after the system was made and I suspect it only got through because no one knew what they were doing yet. It was a rapid success, though it died young. I quickly followed this up with a sequel, which was promptly eaten by the great datacalysm. I popped out Outbreak III, while continuing to be involved in a multitude of RPGs. Good times. Eventually Outbreak would die off, and my attempt at a reboot would end in flames and my fanbase generally loathing my heavy handed GMness. I'd go through a bad streak as a GM, having a number of flops, though Alkermpa would eventually show me that I could still get it right. I had, of course, been playing in the community through this. RPGs like Rise and Fall of the Titans, Kingdom G, the old timey Transformer RPGs, and so many more.
 
At this point the forum update came and made me go cold turkey for six months, though unlike some of my friends I would return after the forums came back. From then... yeah, not all that much interesting happened. Well, plenty of interesting things, but nothing my brain would like to recount. I derped around, stuck with the COTRPG scene, and now we're here today. Six(or seven) years later and so much has happened to me here and in life. I imagine the lack of a giant essay makes one wonder how much actually happened but the sad thing is I can't remember a lot of the stuff, only periods of time where I remember particular events. Can't even remember the years for most of these things. So where am I today? I'm an OTCRPG Judge, something I never would of imagined would actually happen to me. I applied a few times years ago but, well, I think it's a good thing I was given time to mature. I'm now part of a class of the staff that, while we lack any real authority, I always held high. That is something very special for me.
 
One might ask, with this coming to a close, why did Humva feel like infodumping a tl;dr of his time on BZP? Idunno. I've begun to feel more distant to BZP, but I know I'll never actually leave this place. It's really the only forum that I have any sort of feelings towards. It's where I have basically all of my online friends and to be completely honest, some of my friends here are better friends to me than my friends irl. Whatever I may continue to feel about this place and it's community, I know that I'll never be able to just drop those friendships. It's the sort of bonds that stick around for a very long time. That's more important than any other misgivings I have.
 
And besides, someone would make an epic RPG I'd want to play and I'd just have to come back.


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A Friendly Message From Humva

Posted by Engineer Alexandra Humva , Aug 15 2013 · 532 views

Bit of an important note: The title, that says this is a friendly message? This is a friendly message, please if nothing else believe that. Malice is not here, I am attempting to host a discussion and I am not being snarky. Take this not as a man with a gun to your head but as a man who just wants to talk.
 
So looks like the blogs are afire again, and we all know this song and dance. This time I figured I'd chip in with my two cents on the current dilemma facing us, namely, the denial of transsexuality. Now, I could site scientific studies or various institutes who back the existence of this phenomena but I know the type of people; I live in partially rural Kansas, trust me, I see them a lot. I know that studies and reports and experiments don't matter to these folk. I use to be one of them, a loooong time ago, when I was but a young whippersnapper.
 
I also know that long blog entries detailing every facet of their, hrm, what's the BZP appropriate term, misconceptions, is not very effective. So I'll be brief. When you criticize and hate someone for what they are, you are passing judgement. Captain Obvious, right? Yet I don't think enough people understand this. You, you, as an individual, are saying "I do not believe this to be a thing. Therefore this is not a thing." That is not how the world works. You do not get to tell the seas to rise and fall and the sun to never set anymore than you get to deny someone what they say. I implore those to look at the hate they spew and ask where it is founded. Is it because you decided it, is it because you let someone other than you decide it? Regardless of who decided what, you, the individual, have the right and indeed the duty to step back and say "who is being harmed here?"
 
Practically all wrong-doings in society can be traced back to harm on others. Murder harms people and society in very significant ways. Stealing harms people and society. Affairs are heartbreaking and often bitter. We as a people have gotten together and said "this harms others, we should not do this." Sometimes you have things like war, which often harms others, but is sometimes in the name of good. The day we no longer have war is the day I celebrate for a week, but until then, sometimes in order to ensure harm does not come to others, harm must be dealt. It's pragmatic and its awful but it's the world we live in.
 
So. I ask, do transgender peeps and all the rest of the LGBT+ community cause harm, active harm and decadence? I know what I answered to that, and I hope you at least asked the question to yourself.


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Thoughts on the Mask of Light

Posted by Engineer Alexandra Humva , Aug 08 2013 · 114 views

So I hear it's going around that it was released ten years ago. I was what, seven back then? Good times. Actually terrible times but nostalgia. I didn't actually watch Mask of Light until I was twelve though, as my parents said it'd have negative influences on me. The Great Spirit and all that.
 
Still makes me feel older at least. Reminds me of a time before college scholarships and apartment rent costs were on my mind nigh-constantly.


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Conventions D:

Posted by Engineer Alexandra Humva , Aug 05 2013 · 142 views

Why must all the conventions I want to go to be a day or more drive away. ;.; So expensive to actually do anything out of state. Kansas needs more cons.


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Hey, 'tube videos!

Posted by Engineer Alexandra Humva , Jul 25 2013 · 137 views

And everything else on the internet that is safe for the youngsters!
 
hey bzp you know everything i ever said bad about you yeah i take it back (except the community bits but eh that's for another time)
 
CELEBRATE YA'LL
 



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So the thing about bisexuality and me

Posted by Engineer Alexandra Humva , Jul 24 2013 · 118 views
Life rants
(Editor's note; this was written several hours ago, I left for youth group and now apparently these posts are a fad. So bluh, was kinda wanting to avoid being seen as jumping on the bandwagon but oh well. Hat off to Spink though; can't say I've been much of a fan of you in the past but that entry was from the heart.)
 
I've been wanting to write this for a while but me and words have been avoiding each other for a while. I finally felt I should do this though, but because the world we live in is messed up, I need to preface this. I know my friend Kraggh has been making similar entries about the Closet so I'll put this out there, this is not some petty jab at the other side. I don't do petty jabs, I prefer punching and for better reasons. I hope my words make that clear but I know people will jump to conclusions so here, front of the entry. This is not a rebuke to anything, this is not directed at anyone. This is the monologues of a seventeen year old who deals with his emotions by typing them out, organizing them into neat bins in his brain, and then promptly kicking them out the door.
 
So let's begin in earnest. For those of you who don't know, I am a bisexual man. This means I can go either way when it comes to who I decide to marry, though in all likelihood it'll be a woman because my god gay men are scarce around these parts. Now, I live in a very common situation for a lot of people such as myself; my family doesn't know, and probably won't for many many more years. I came to grips with the fact that I will likely never step out of my self-made closet until I am forced to. That's the thing about us bisexuals; in a way we have it a lot better. What to conform to societal standards? Well, I'll kiss a girl as soon as I will a man so I'm set, right?
 
Oh, but if only the world was that simple. While simultaneously admitting to myself that I'm a coward when it comes to these things, I know that who I am will be rather important in the future. I intend to start working with the KEC in a few years and whenever I get out of college and into the grand grand world of state politics it'll be something that comes up. Now, one might ask "But Humva, why not do it now? Come on man, express yourself!" Well there are reasons, first and foremost my family. My father is, ah, shall we say, venomous when it comes to the subject. He has on a few occasions talked about how much better we'd be without the gays, entirely supports the ye olde brainwashing camps, and generally speaking has a negative mindset about the whole thing. My mother doesn't spew venom so much as it's just ingrained into her; she has true homophobia, not this second-rate hate stuff you hear about on the news. That is to say she so fears the concept that it is impossible for her to sleep in the same bed as another woman. This has come up a few times on worktrips she was on and while I doubt she would disown me (unlike my father), it'd definitely be a very harsh blow to her.
 
And then there's my local LGBT community, pitifully small as it is, that I've occasionally tried to get involved with. Hilariously enough the groups I've been to (but thankfully not the KEC, which is the real lobbying power around these parts) seem to like to cut the 'B' out of 'LGBT.' Unfortunately I've met my fair share of gay men who have told me to pick a side and stick on it. It's... something a bit widespread from what I've read, but, well, my small community isn't a good sample, and I know that these things can be exaggerated elsewhere.
 
But hey, I'm a pretty happy person, I don't let things like this get me down for long. Never generalize, that's my motto. So I go about my daily life squeaky clean and all in all it's pretty good. I don't feel oppressed or anything, I don't feel that restricted. Probably makes me a terrible person to write about this sort of thing, eh? But obviously I have bottled up feelings, why else would I be writing this? Dead air is a waste to everyone. Maybe my feelings are because I know this good life is all a facade I've built up around myself. I laugh and have a good time with my friends, friends I know that would turn on me if they knew the truth. I live in a loving family that, for all of its problems, is something I would die fighting for. My father, for all I know my father would do if he found out, will still take a bullet for me. He about beat a man senseless recently when said man insulted me for my looks. The idea that one man can possess so much love and so much hate at the same time? That cripples me, that's something that sticks. Anyone who knows me well knows that I don't stay depressed. Bit rubbery in that sense. But stuff like that? Stuff like that stays with you. That constant shadow, the demon behind you whispering what could happen.
 
I've seen too much hatred to others to wish it upon myself or any other. I know that I, as I stand on my soap box and do self-therapy on myself, must seem like a really terrible speaker for this. So many others have had so much worse happen. I've never taken a punch for that; taken a punch because someone called me a dirty Mexican (Germanic Cherokee guys, the Spanish blood is in there somewhere though) but not because I'm bi. I think that's what annoys so many people that know me here; the fact that I never stand up and truly fight, that I'm always the guy in the corner, hands in the air and asking for everyone to just chill out. I know people think of me as a wimp, as some guy who either doesn't know what he believes in or as a man who can't fight for what he does. I don't fight because I don't wish that upon anyone else. Even in real life, for all the fighter I may like to think myself as, I only get violent when someone else decides they need to resort to that. As much as I'd like to seriously hurt some people I know that it solves nothing. Feels really **** good though.
 
Not entirely sure what I'm talking about now, so I should probably step off the stage. I suppose I'll end on this note; a lot of people have it good. A lot of people have it really really bad. A lot of good people can say terrible things. My father would die to save me, regardless of who I was, but I know that he could never accept me. That demon constantly haunts me about my future but, you know what? There's always hope. A tiny, nigh-insignificant amount sometimes, but what's the alternative? Sink into a repeating cycle of depression and pessimism? What good does that do? I live in a gradient, belonging to two different worlds, and generally speaking I'm on the better received half. But that other foot is in the opposite half and I know, one of these days, I'm going to step into that half and things will not be pretty.
 
So yeah, there you have it. My ramblings of the night. Guess this is a fad now, but it is kinda selfish of me to of wanted to be the first out here and to be an attention hog. If you feel the need to comment on this I ask of you simply to keep it civil and not to invoke the wrath of the higher ups. My blog hasn't had a topic forcefully closed in eons; I'd like to keep it known that way. I don't care who or what you're arguing for, just... don't be a terrible person about it. As the old saying goes, if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything.
 
(More editor's notes; I posted this at 10:10 PM central time and for some reason it was put before the recent entries despite being posted after them. No I'm not a time traveler it's just the Invision software derping up.)


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Pacific Rim + Raffle System

Posted by Engineer Alexandra Humva , Jul 21 2013 · 77 views

So I saw Pacific Rim yesterday. Fun movie, definitely worth the cost of admission. If you want logic you will find little but, well, it's just not that sort of movie. It's a movie about giant robots punching giant monsters. That is its purpose, that is its goal, and it delivers on that excellently. The CGI is beautiful and if you live next to/can afford the cost of an IMAX ticket, go see it in IMAX for the truer experience.
 
Oh and then there's BZP's new raffle system; pretty good way of raising money if you ask me. Everyone's willing to give a buck for a shot at getting almost-free stuff, and if a hundred people give a buck for a ten buck item? Well, that's a pretty good system. I tip my hat to the administration for getting that business strategy in place.


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Revisiting Portal 2

Posted by Engineer Alexandra Humva , Jul 18 2013 · 92 views

So I beat Portal 2 again. I first bought it on the Xbox when it came out, played it at my cousin's place. Revisited it after a few years.
 
The puzzles were good (I had forgotten how to solve them by now) and... that ending man. That ending.






This blog

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WARNING:
 
The following blog contains excessive rambling on the world and extremely poor paragraphing. If you are easily offended or turned off by these two things, leaving now would be a good idea.
 
This blog is written by Alex Humva, penname of some random teenager named Alex Censored. He writes stories, writes rants, writes screenplays, plays games, makes games, has a terrible work ethic, and is generally sarcastic. He believes in a Judao-Christian god, but most other people who do too give him a glare because of his weird beliefs, possibly because he's somehow bi at the same time. He's an utter equalist who feels that any discrimination amongst humans for things they were born with is wrong. He doesn't care about xenos though, let them all burn.
 
He's also an aspiring engineer who hopes to get a scholarship at his local big engineering college and one day help humanity. More likely he'll be a pencil pusher in a basement somewhere, but he's a bloody minded optimist.
 
Because of his peculiar personality and beliefs, he gets into fights often, though they usually end when he wakes up the next morning and doesn't feel motivated anymore.

Current status of the OTC RPG community

Format: RPG Name - Discussion topic - Current status - Am I part of it?
 
To Save The World!

Invalid - Active - No

Mass Effect: Division

Discussion - Active - No

Pokemon: Rise of the Rockets

Invalid - Active - No

X-Men: Darkest Days

Discussion - Active - Yes

Starscape

Discussion - Active - Yes

Halo: Forerunners

Discussion - Active - No

Okami

Discussion - Active - No

Spirits and Men

Discussion - Active - Yes

The Proelium

Discussion - Active - No

Digimon: Generations

Discussion - Active - No

Transformers: EC

Discussion - Active - No

 

Fallout: Austin City Limits

Discussion - Active - No

LAST UPDATE: May 6th, 2013.

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