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Some not so profound thoughts on my life

Posted by Engineer Alexandra Humva , Mar 28 2013 · 547 views

For a while now, I've contemplated on my future. It's a scary thing; I'm reaching the point where soon, I'll be a legal adult. High-school will be over and I'll be off to college, to maybe get a scholarship and become a mechanical engineer. If everything works out, I'll go to work at one of the local aerospace firms, designing and working on military aircraft, though it's possible it'll be civilian, depending on which manufacture I get a job at.
But things never go according to plan. As I speak my family is undergoing bankrupcy; we're seventy five thousand dollars in credit card debt and paying the mortgage. So far two people we've spoken with at the bank have either attempted to intentionally mislead us or simply weren't aware of the numbers themselves, as a solution we were offered, while it would of saved us several hundred dollars in the first three months, would of actually increased our monthly payments afterwards. If it weren't for the fact that my father is rather paranoid, we'd of probably fallen hook line and sinker for that trick. But we didn't, so we're continuing onward, and maybe the judge will have mercy on us when we go to court to try to get out debt resolved.
Basically my family is far from the best of economic situations, and across this great nation of America, quite a few other families are undergoing similar situations. We're continually told the economy is going get better, and one day it will, but the end doesn't look close. This puts a crimp in my life plans. Will America still be the place for me when I graduate with my masters of mechanical engineering? Or will I flee to Iceland, try to get away from whatever political crisis it is in the 2020s? I've always wanted to go to Iceland, always talked about setting up a home there, but in reality I've always understood it's a dream and nothing more. It'd be expensive, and I'd have to leave everything behind, including my family.
Unlike most teenagers my age, I don't really feel any great urge for independence. Perhaps I will in the future, but as it is now, I'm content where I am. There's annoying aspects of my life, certainly, but I'm too attached to my family to go far. Maybe some day later I'll go to Los Alamos and work with the guys down there, or maybe even go to MIT and work on the wonders they do every day. But at least then I'd still be in the same country as my family; I could jump in the car for a vacation and go visit them. Transatlantic flights from Iceland to Kansas are definitely not the cheapest.
And of course, there's my immediate economic situation and my fears of not being able to go anywhere in life. My family will have no money when I go to college; and while the tuition rates at WSU aren't that bad, a job or internship on the side isn't going be able to cut it. My performance as a student here and now is crucial to my future of getting scholarships, and while I doubt I'll be completely ignored, as it stands my grades simply aren't good enough to compete with the uppercrust. Perhaps I give too much credit to myself, but this honestly isn't a fault with my intelligence. My work ethic is near legendary for being terrible, and I really do not apply myself enough. It's my hope that I'll be able to do well on the ACT and be able to apply for scholarships from that, because while grades are important, it's in my experience that they pay much more attention to the ACT than your overall grades. And besides, I'm a mostly A, occasional B student, and while my father might give me the riot speech for those Bs I don't think it'll kill me.
So maybe my concerns about getting scholarships are unwarranted. So now we move onto what I'm going do with my life. It's always been "become an engineer, go do cool stuff." Which, really, planning much more in-depth is an exercise in futility. I've always wanted to get into some measure of politics; not the government, of course. But I've always felt it's the responsibility of every citizen to make his or her voice heard. The concept of every vote counting is a correct one, simply on the basis of crowd mentality. If a million people decide their votes don't matter... well, that's a million votes gone, isn't it?
And of course, there's more than just voting. There's societal reforms, there's picketing, rallies, assemblies. Making a change simply by stating your opinion is something I think not enough people do out of the logic that "I don't really matter in the grand scheme of things." But the individual does matter in the grand scheme of things, because an individual's thoughts and ideals can be more world-changing than any one groups. The idea of individual expression and the ability to speak your mind is an important one in a free society. To let it be dominated by one view point is ultimately stagnant. The ability to change people's opinions is such a crucial one, and we who live in America and indeed, the rest of the free world, often take for granted the ability to do that. And yet many of us don't choose to use this innate human right.
Some of us have our excuses. What will people think? What will people say? What will people do? How will I be seen in the eyes of society?
And I can relate to that. I live in a family who I disagree with on many accounts. My father is about as conservative as they come. I know that, at some point in the future, I will have to confront my family over my beliefs and, indeed, my own personal being. I don't look forward to that day; some parts of me just want to continue the secrecy forever. The thought of being expelled from my family is something that shakes me to the core, and for all the love I know my parents have for me, it is a literal conflict of world-views. History shows us that such things can and have torn loving families apart and caused so much suffering and pain.
But it is the world we live in. Secrecy and private thought changes nothing. Even as I type this I speak hypocritically, because I haven't come to that all important decision. Yet I can see that hypocrisy. The importance of an individual, standing up and telling society his or her opinions, is something that we all must be willing to do. To be cowed into fear is to have that fundamental right taken away from you by your own choice. On the grand scheme of things, one boy telling his family the truth is not relevant. But this is the grand scheme of things! There is no one boy; there is a thousand, a hundred thousand, a million boys and girls, and that changes things. A million choosing to stand up for their right to speak what they think. Saying one individual cannot change things on the larger picture is a fallacy, because it is the larger picture, composed of the billions of individual pictures. To say that you can't change something big is to ignore the fact that you are part of that something.
Your choices are relevant to both your world and the greater world. Because a million people, a billion people, all making their own choices, is more important than anything else. What their choices are is irrelevant; what they do is irrelevant. Be it for good or evil, at least that individual made a choice. If we choose to fight the evil, then we have chosen to fight it. If we choose to fight the good, then we have chosen to fight it. Who is right is up to personal belief; and that personal belief is more sacred than anything else.
I suppose, you could sum this up as the concept that saying one individual is irrelevant in the grand scheme of things is akin to saying one Representative in the House of Representatives is irrelevant. Certainly, there are 434 other representatives. What harm could one do? But if all 435 Representative decided one day, their vote didn't matter and just stared at home... well, that would be rather bad, wouldn't it? The individual effects things on an individual scale. A million individuals effect a million individual scales. A million pictures stitched together to make one big picture.
Well. I went from talking about my economic crisis to politics and the importance of choosing things for yourself. I suppose I'll quit while I'm ahead.
I thank anyone who stuck with me through this series of rambles. Likely, it is ridden with typos and I made a fool of myself somewhere in it. I tried my best to avoid any major political issues but alas, this is BZPower. I can only hope for a peaceful discussion of the importance of free will.

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Mar 28 2013 12:22 PM

Yeah, if Tuyet decided she didn't matter after she was defeated, then we would've been spared a really terrible twist in the Bionicle storyline!


But did she spare us that fate?  She most certainly did not!  =P


If Teridax decided he couldn't make a difference then we wouldn't have had much of a story.  Mata Nui never would have fallen asleep, Teridax never would've taken over the MU and Spherus Magna...  Well, I suppose maybe Mata Nui could have repaired things himself...  maybe?  Or the two robots were necessary for some reason.  I dunno, it's kinda vague.


Also, if Takua had decided he didn't matter, then we would've missed out on the first Bionicle movie!  The horror... ;-;


Still, on a serious note, I hope things get better for you at home.  Hang in there, dude. 

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Jean Valjean
Mar 28 2013 01:44 PM

:kaukau: Congratulations on touching on politics without actually feeding anyone looking for a controversy.  Heh.


Well, I obviously hope the best for your family, and for the love of everything that is good in this world, I wish for you to find it in you to wear your heart on your sleeve, even around your family, because nobody should have to hide who they are.  On one hand, that might seem hypocritical, because I hide so much of who I am from the everyday world, including the people on BZP (since my confessional blog entries about my personal life are really only the tip of the iceberg), but I suppose I hold back for my reasons, not because I'm afraid, but because it's a choice.  There are secrets I want to keep to myself, because I need my privacy, because I don't want to be intimate with everyone, because then it would be impossible to be intimate with anyone.


But anyway, to get back to my original train of thought, what I'm saying is that I tend to be one of those unapologetic, forward people who tends to make himself known.  This can lead to people loving or hating me, and I usually don't care.  Of course, we all care, to some extent, so I cannot say this about myself fully.  I am not the perfect example.  But on the whole, my voice, my stance, my attitudes, they go heard.  People tend to hear the real me.  Do I lie about these things sometimes for pragmatic reasons?  Yes, I suppose, since sometimes it's practical and I'm not opposed to toning down my personal opinions and feelings on a matter for the sake of cooperation.  However, whether I express them or not, I do not feel shame for the beliefs and attitudes I have.  Nobody should feel shame for believing something.  You believe something for a reason, because you think it's right.  You have to be secure with yourself, and you have to let other people see that.


And that's kind of all I have to say on the matter, other than that over Skype Tekulo was so kind as to describe this blog post was longer than my latest entry.  It was so kind of him to specifically mention me, and he didn't even know that I was online.  In any case, it's a pretty good complement, considering that he wasn't expecting me to read it, and I salute you for writing a long entry about your semi-profound thoughts on life.



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First and foremost, I hope that you and your family can pull through this. Like Tek said, hang in there.

Second... though it's not nearly as severe an issue as your situation, it's true there's some parts of my personality I keep hidden from my family and a lot of my friends. Really, it's silly stuff in my case, but it's still hard to make yourself be honest when you know you can keep things going as they are. There's really no easy answer - you want to believe you'll be accepted, but you can't guarantee it. But at the same time, I guess nothing happens if you're not honest. And like you said, choosing to be honest, even if it's just an individual doing it, builds up over time.

I guess I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say here, other than I feel you on this.
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First and foremost, I hope that you and your family can pull through this. Like Tek said, hang in there.

Second... though it's not nearly as severe an issue as your situation, it's true there's some parts of my personality I keep hidden from my family and a lot of my friends. Really, it's silly stuff in my case, but it's still hard to make yourself be honest when you know you can keep things going as they are. There's really no easy answer - you want to believe you'll be accepted, but you can't guarantee it. But at the same time, I guess nothing happens if you're not honest. And like you said, choosing to be honest, even if it's just an individual doing it, builds up over time.

I guess I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say here, other than I feel you on this.

To think that you can things keep going as they do while not being honest is an illusion. Honesty and the truth are always the best choice in the long term, even it's not always easy.

-Gata signoff.png
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This blog

Posted Image

The following blog contains excessive rambling on the world and extremely poor paragraphing. If you are easily offended or turned off by these two things, leaving now would be a good idea.
This blog is written by Alex Humva, penname of some random teenager named Alex Censored. He writes stories, writes rants, writes screenplays, plays games, makes games, has a terrible work ethic, and is generally sarcastic. He believes in a Judao-Christian god, but most other people who do too give him a glare because of his weird beliefs, possibly because he's somehow bi at the same time. He's an utter equalist who feels that any discrimination amongst humans for things they were born with is wrong. He doesn't care about xenos though, let them all burn.
He's also an aspiring engineer who hopes to get a scholarship at his local big engineering college and one day help humanity. More likely he'll be a pencil pusher in a basement somewhere, but he's a bloody minded optimist.
Because of his peculiar personality and beliefs, he gets into fights often, though they usually end when he wakes up the next morning and doesn't feel motivated anymore.

Current status of the OTC RPG community

Format: RPG Name - Discussion topic - Current status - Am I part of it?
To Save The World!

Invalid - Active - No

Mass Effect: Division

Discussion - Active - No

Pokemon: Rise of the Rockets

Invalid - Active - No

X-Men: Darkest Days

Discussion - Active - Yes


Discussion - Active - Yes

Halo: Forerunners

Discussion - Active - No


Discussion - Active - No

Spirits and Men

Discussion - Active - Yes

The Proelium

Discussion - Active - No

Digimon: Generations

Discussion - Active - No

Transformers: EC

Discussion - Active - No


Fallout: Austin City Limits

Discussion - Active - No

LAST UPDATE: May 6th, 2013.

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