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Kraggh's Works ♫♪



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The Most Important Issues

Posted by Jean Valjean , in Humor, Michael Phelps, Events Nov 06 2018 · 87 views
John Williams, Michael Phelps and 1 more...
:kaukau: Sadly, the issues that really matter are not on the ballot. I almost got to meet my governor and talk about them before election day, but sadly that moment for the history books never happened.

Next election, though, I propose these core issues:
  • Convert our counting system to Base 120.
  • Pass a constitutional amendment denying the existence of Canada.
  • Change all of the lame state flags that looks alike. The ones that are okay can stay the same, but all those others need to go.
  • Make Ithkuil the official language of legal texts.
  • Recompose the national anthem so that it covers 6 octaves.
  • Officially declare that the Goddess Columbia be represented with the likeness of Whitney Houston.
  • Let John Williams come up with anthems for all of the states that have boring anthems.
  • Right next to the Statue of Liberty, build a statue of John Williams waving a conductor's wand.
  • Set our healthcare goal to, "Make John Williams live forever."
  • Draft Michael Phelps back into the Olympics. He needs to stick around until the 2028 L.A. Olympics at the very least.

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Why're the Twilight books set in the woods?

Posted by Jean Valjean , in Humor Oct 22 2018 · 55 views
Twilight, humor, dad joke
:kaukau: Because Bella loves Edward culling.

...

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Why Students Sympathize With Communism

Posted by Jean Valjean , in Humor Sep 03 2018 · 61 views

Why Students Sympathize With Communism :kaukau: Communist don't much like class, either.

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How to Improve French

Posted by Jean Valjean , in Humor Aug 29 2018 · 98 views

:kaukau: Take all of its most charming features and compound upon them!

The country is called Fraiçzzaeioux (pronounces "Froz"). The language is called Fraiçzzeieiolluoixs (pronounced "Fras-wa!").

Chinese can also be improved. I propose that the name of the Chinese language be pronounces as Han125. The superscript means that it is pronounced with the 125st tone out of 625 tones. The character will take 744 strokes to complete, and be dozens of shade-sensitive colors. The colors are morphemic. If you change a single color, the meaning of the whole character changes. If the black in the bottom corner is changed to navy blue, for example, it becomes Chong238, which means "A marching band staffed by dyslexic communist dragons."

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Quebecois

Posted by Jean Valjean , in Humor Aug 27 2018 · 90 views

:kaukau: Canadians are famous for being polite...except for when they're rude.

Sorry.

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Death to Canada!

Posted by Jean Valjean , in Humor Aug 19 2018 · 92 views
Canada, Sealand, homicide and 1 more...
:kaukau: So long story short, if you die in Canada, you die in real life. It's a meme, and we all know that people actually die in Canada.

Why do I need to clarify this? I'm showing this one guy, a student resources person at one of the local colleges, this Canada-themed sewing project that I'm working on. "Canada, there's a place we need to learn lessons from. They don't have any murders up there."

"Well, not as many," I clarify.

"No, almost none at all. Did you know that in the last ten years, there have only been two murders in all of Canada?"

He wasn't referencing the "die in Canada, die in real life" meme. He really meant it. I tried telling him that, yes, Canada does in fact have murders every year. It's at a lower rate than in America, and I gave a few statistics for why that is, but I'm pretty aware of what goes on in Canada and, among other things, I could guarantee him that there were a lot more than only two homicides in the last decade. I have no idea where he got his information from.

This isn't a knock on Canada. Canada still has some pretty low rates. But seriously, it annoys me when people think that Canada is some sort of literal utopia that doesn't have any problems. I have a lot of Canadian friends, and my final verdict on Canadians is...they're just people. Shocker. You don't magically become something that transcends humanity if you have Canadian citizenship, as awesome as that would be. Although I'm pretty sure that Canadians do have magical Disney Princess powers to summon fauna to help them with their chores. That's a different story altogether.

Now, where was I? Ah yes, the subject of people dying in Canada. Well, it happens. Just remember folks, avoid dark and scary allies, don't walk alone at night, remain in public spaces, don't leave your drinks unattended when there's a guy with an eye-patch hanging around who looks like he deals with black market organs, don't join a gang, and always keep your apartment door open when someone comes claiming to be there for repairs. No matter what country you're in, these are generally good tips.

However, I've done my research and discovered that the country of Sealand impressively is an exception to everything. In its entire history, it hasn't had a single murder. Not one.

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BZP Poetry (1)

Posted by Jean Valjean , in BZPower, Humor Aug 07 2018 · 80 views
dontsmiteme, OmightyHapori

:tohu:

This is a haiku

'bout mai BZP waifu

Hapori Tohu


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The Notorious RBG

Posted by Jean Valjean , in Humor Aug 05 2018 · 98 views

:kaukau: Red, blue, and...green.

When we were kids, we thought that we had it all figured out. We knew that the primary colors were red, blue, and yellow. All other colors came from these three. Our kindergarten art teachers told us so, and who better qualified to give us such truisms than them?

Then we made it to fifth grade. We landed ourselves in a class with a science teacher who also had something to say about color, and she contradicted our art teacher. The three primary colors were not what we were taught all along. Our entire lives up until that point had been a lie. Yellow wasn't a primary color? That holy trinity of hues consisted of green?

You squint your eyes. No, it doesn't look balanced. And you can swear that green is a mixture of yellow and blue. It doesn't evenly balance out the color spectrum of the rainbow. It isn't symmetrical? Why, Mrs. Krstowicz, why?

You console yourself with the reminder that your old primary colors are still at least the three primary colors by subtraction. But even then, your middle school art teacher lied to you. She lied to you. The three primary colors of subtraction are actually yellow...and magenta and cyan. Slightly different. You ask your art teacher about it, and she explains that she didn't have confidence in you to grasp such concepts as magenta and cyan. She didn't trust you. She didn't ever trust you.

Then you see Vsauce's video called "This is not yellow," which explains things pretty well, but all that information about RBG pixels only serves to remind you, with a twinge of bitter reflection, of the dishonesty and wiliness of your conniving art teacher, who took advantage of your childish trust to feed you false information of the world. Red-blue-green, destroyer of your childhood memories. If I had never heard of you, I could continue living in my bliss.


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SPIRIT

Posted by Jean Valjean , in Humor, BZPower Jul 19 2018 · 141 views

:kaukau: High school know nothing about having SPIRIT. BZPower? Now, there's a community that has SPIRIT.

Someone make me a dad already.

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Canceled Hotdog Summit

Posted by Jean Valjean , in Humor, Events May 24 2018 · 170 views
Kim Jon-Un, barbecue, humor
:kaukau: I was hoping to meet with my father before work and put some hotdogs on the grill this morning. Unfortunately, that could not come to pass, and I gave him this formal Filial Statement:

Dear Mr. Old Man,


I greatly appreciate your initial availability for a barbecue schedules to take place at 12 today at your place with Siracha. I was looking forward to having lunch with you. Sadly, based on the tremendous distractedness and open apathy displayed by your most recent statement, I feel that it is inappropriate, at this time, to have this last-minute meeting. It is difficult for me to schedule a lunch when you are already mentally out to lunch. Therefore, let this letter serve to represent that the Siracha summit, for the good of both parties, but for the detriment of our local supermarket, will not take place. You talk of your cooking capabilities, but my sauces are so spicy and delicious that I pray to God they will most definitely see use.


I felt a wonderful appetite was building up between you and me, and ultimately, it is only that appetite that matters. Some day, I look very much forward to eating with you. In the meantime, I would like to thank you for the increase of the sausages that are now at home in the refrigerator. That was a beautiful gesture and was very much appreciated.


Yes, this was in reference to something that we saw in the news this morning.

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Me

Username: Jean Valjean
Real name: People literally don't have names in my family
Age: 24
Gender: Male
Heritage: Half Dutch, Quarter Hungarian, Eighth Swedish, Sixteenth German and Irish
Physical description: Looks like the eleventh Doctor
Favorite food: Chicken, turkey, and beef.
Least favorite food: Vegetables of any kind
Favorite band: Queen
Favorite singer: Billy Joel
Favorite song: American Pie
Favorite movie: Schindler's List
Favorite TV show: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Favorite play: Les Miserables
Favorite color: Silver
Second favorite color: Brown
Favorite board game: Risk
Favorite athlete: Michael Phelps
Lucky Number: 53
Past-times: Writing, reading, drawing
Political Caucus: Iowa Republicans
Religion: Christian
Language: Iowegian

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