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Kraggh's Works ♫♪



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Homework Fabrication

Posted by Jean Valjean , in Humor, School Apr 07 2019 · 60 views
Humor
:kaukau: I looked back at an old syllabus for a Fabrication class of mine, and found that academically dishonest homework could be disqualified for...fabrication.

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Immigration and Name Change

Posted by Jean Valjean , in Humor Jan 15 2019 · 190 views

:kaukau: If I were a rich man (da ba de ba de ba de ba de ba de ba de ba dum) I would be a sponsor for a few thousand people trying to immigrate to America, although because I'm someone eccentric, there would a a certain condition. Lately, I've been offering several friends to pay for all of the expenses should they legally change their last names to "Skywalker."

So anyway, in the age-old tradition of Americanizing the surnames of immigrants, if I could pay ten thousand people to change their last name to that, and then immigrate to the United States with my sponsorship, we'd then have a substantial population of people with the surname Skywalker. That needs to be a common Amerian surname. Plus, I think that that people will get naturalized more quickly it they clearly and visibly embrace STAR WARS.

Yeah, I know, other rich people think, "Cool! I can get a cheap source of labor!" And then there's me, thinking, "Hey! I can artificially increase the number of Skywalkers in America!"

Well, I don't have the money to actually do that for ten thousand people. In the meantime, there's a friend of mine who has a boring last name, and I'm offering to pay him to change it to "Dangerkill."

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BZPower Rewind 2018

Posted by Jean Valjean , in Humor, BZPower Jan 03 2019 · 132 views
BZPower
:kaukau: No more BIONICLE. Hasn't had much BIONICLE in a while.

Wait, let's interrupt this rewind to talk about what's really important and pat the backs of BZPers who stood for something bigger then themselves. Like Audible! Speaking of which, they're the sponsor of today's blog post. You're busy, we're busy; everybody's busy! They told us all that we wouldn't read another book again after we finished high school, but now we can beat that statistic by listening to books on the go. I use Audible all the time when commuting to work and it works just fine for me. Change your life right now by subscribing to Audible. Enter the promo code VALJEAN to let them know I sent you and get 3 months of Audible for $6.95 a month.

Back to rewinding, though, we still didn't have any BIONICLE. Iaredos got a blog. Vohrak1Panrahk2 announced that he was moving back to the States, and Windseeker announced a move to Canada. There still wasn't much talk about BIONICLE other than a very astute observation by JMSOG that Bionicle turned 18 and that an era of BIONICLE nostalgia will officially begin, where we'll likely see it pop up in Stranger Things-esque shows.

And then Will Smith Kevin Bacon randomly fits into this all somehow.


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My name is Alexandria...

Posted by Jean Valjean , in Humor Nov 16 2018 · 196 views

:kaukau: There was only one person on the ballot in my regional election. Understandably, he won his reelection bid. I told him that maybe he needs a challenger next time, so I'll put some thought into running against him. And just to make the ballot form really fun, I'll legally change my name to Alexandria Santa-Ana-Pinta-Nina-Maria-Quintanilla-Poco-Loco-en-el-Coco-Buffalo-Buffalo-Buffalo-Buffalo-Buffalo-Buffalo-Buffalo-Buffalo-Pinocchio-Picasso-Ocasio-Cortez. And require that that whole thing be printed on the ballot paper. Because I am a humble man, I will not demand that people follow that up with my full title, "Commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions and Loyal Servant to the True Emperor, Marcus Aurelius, Father of a Murdered Son, Husband of a Murdered Wife."

With that having been said, if you truly want to flatter me, yes, you can call me by my full identity. And it is often expected on more formal occasions. Alexandria Santa-Ana-Pinta-Nina-Maria-Quintanilla-Poco-Loco-en-el-Coco-Buffalo-Buffalo-Buffalo-Buffalo-Buffalo-Buffalo-Buffalo-Buffalo-Pinocchio-Picasso-Ocasio-Cortez, Commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions and Loyal Servant to the True Emperor, Marcus Aurelius, Father of a Murdered Son, Husband of a Murdered Wife.

That's a ways off. In the meantime, I have made myself a name tag, and I nag my coworkers whenever they don't call me by my full name. It's unprofessional to go by a nickname; one must use his full name when in business. It makes a strong impression.

This name is not to be confused with Alexandria Santa-Ana-Pinta-Nina-Maria-Quintanilla-Poco-Loco-en-el-Coco-Buffalo-Buffalo-Buffalo-Buffalo-Buffalo-Buffalo-Buffalo-Buffalo-Pinocchio-Picasso-Ocasio-Cortez II. Though she is of relation to me, she is still a separate person altogether. She also does not share the same exact titles. Rather, Alexandria II's name is to be followed by the title "Most High Mother of the Quantum Sisterhood, Sister of the Brotherhood, Slayer of White Whales, Keeper of the Puzzles, Undying Aide to the Homeless, Mentor to Future Wisemen, Right Honorable Healer of Abandoned Lowly Ones, Loyal Council to the True Universal Communion of Saints."

I will keep this name until I find amusement in some other name, like Everybody Q. Nobody. That way, when someone says that "Everybody's talking about it," or, "Nobody's talking about it," so long as I'm talking a bout it, they're literally right.

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The Most Important Issues

Posted by Jean Valjean , in Humor, Michael Phelps, Events Nov 06 2018 · 205 views
John Williams, Michael Phelps and 1 more...
:kaukau: Sadly, the issues that really matter are not on the ballot. I almost got to meet my governor and talk about them before election day, but sadly that moment for the history books never happened.

Next election, though, I propose these core issues:
  • Convert our counting system to Base 120.
  • Pass a constitutional amendment denying the existence of Canada.
  • Change all of the lame state flags that looks alike. The ones that are okay can stay the same, but all those others need to go.
  • Make Ithkuil the official language of legal texts.
  • Recompose the national anthem so that it covers 6 octaves.
  • Officially declare that the Goddess Columbia be represented with the likeness of Whitney Houston.
  • Let John Williams come up with anthems for all of the states that have boring anthems.
  • Right next to the Statue of Liberty, build a statue of John Williams waving a conductor's wand.
  • Set our healthcare goal to, "Make John Williams live forever."
  • Draft Michael Phelps back into the Olympics. He needs to stick around until the 2028 L.A. Olympics at the very least.

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Why're the Twilight books set in the woods?

Posted by Jean Valjean , in Humor Oct 22 2018 · 104 views
Twilight, humor, dad joke
:kaukau: Because Bella loves Edward culling.

...

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Why Students Sympathize With Communism

Posted by Jean Valjean , in Humor Sep 03 2018 · 106 views

Why Students Sympathize With Communism :kaukau: Communist don't much like class, either.

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How to Improve French

Posted by Jean Valjean , in Humor Aug 29 2018 · 166 views

:kaukau: Take all of its most charming features and compound upon them!

The country is called Fraiçzzaeioux (pronounces "Froz"). The language is called Fraiçzzeieiolluoixs (pronounced "Fras-wa!").

Chinese can also be improved. I propose that the name of the Chinese language be pronounces as Han125. The superscript means that it is pronounced with the 125st tone out of 625 tones. The character will take 744 strokes to complete, and be dozens of shade-sensitive colors. The colors are morphemic. If you change a single color, the meaning of the whole character changes. If the black in the bottom corner is changed to navy blue, for example, it becomes Chong238, which means "A marching band staffed by dyslexic communist dragons."

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Quebecois

Posted by Jean Valjean , in Humor Aug 27 2018 · 145 views

:kaukau: Canadians are famous for being polite...except for when they're rude.

Sorry.

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Death to Canada!

Posted by Jean Valjean , in Humor Aug 19 2018 · 143 views
Canada, Sealand, homicide and 1 more...
:kaukau: So long story short, if you die in Canada, you die in real life. It's a meme, and we all know that people actually die in Canada.

Why do I need to clarify this? I'm showing this one guy, a student resources person at one of the local colleges, this Canada-themed sewing project that I'm working on. "Canada, there's a place we need to learn lessons from. They don't have any murders up there."

"Well, not as many," I clarify.

"No, almost none at all. Did you know that in the last ten years, there have only been two murders in all of Canada?"

He wasn't referencing the "die in Canada, die in real life" meme. He really meant it. I tried telling him that, yes, Canada does in fact have murders every year. It's at a lower rate than in America, and I gave a few statistics for why that is, but I'm pretty aware of what goes on in Canada and, among other things, I could guarantee him that there were a lot more than only two homicides in the last decade. I have no idea where he got his information from.

This isn't a knock on Canada. Canada still has some pretty low rates. But seriously, it annoys me when people think that Canada is some sort of literal utopia that doesn't have any problems. I have a lot of Canadian friends, and my final verdict on Canadians is...they're just people. Shocker. You don't magically become something that transcends humanity if you have Canadian citizenship, as awesome as that would be. Although I'm pretty sure that Canadians do have magical Disney Princess powers to summon fauna to help them with their chores. That's a different story altogether.

Now, where was I? Ah yes, the subject of people dying in Canada. Well, it happens. Just remember folks, avoid dark and scary allies, don't walk alone at night, remain in public spaces, don't leave your drinks unattended when there's a guy with an eye-patch hanging around who looks like he deals with black market organs, don't join a gang, and always keep your apartment door open when someone comes claiming to be there for repairs. No matter what country you're in, these are generally good tips.

However, I've done my research and discovered that the country of Sealand impressively is an exception to everything. In its entire history, it hasn't had a single murder. Not one.

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Me

Username: Jean Valjean
Real name: People literally don't have names in my family
Age: 24
Gender: Male
Heritage: Half Dutch, Quarter Hungarian, Eighth Swedish, Sixteenth German and Irish
Physical description: Looks like the eleventh Doctor
Favorite food: Chicken, turkey, and beef.
Least favorite food: Vegetables of any kind
Favorite band: Queen
Favorite singer: Billy Joel
Favorite song: American Pie
Favorite movie: Schindler's List
Favorite TV show: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Favorite play: Les Miserables
Favorite color: Silver
Second favorite color: Brown
Favorite board game: Risk
Favorite athlete: Michael Phelps
Lucky Number: 53
Past-times: Writing, reading, drawing
Political Caucus: Iowa Republicans
Religion: Christian
Language: Iowegian

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