So, I've been thinking about things regarding my own gender for awhile. As pretty much anyone here knows my boyfriend is transgender and he has helped me understand a lot of things about myself.
Basically, I don't really fit into girl or boy. I'm nonbinary. I identify with parts from both genders and want to be androgynous. I've posted about this on my tumblr before, but I haven't said anything here.
I used to think I had a bit of a thing for crossdressing, but now to me, it's not about that. Clothes are just clothes. Clothes don't have a gender. Sometimes I wanna wear a skirt and sometimes I wanna wear pants. Fabric doesn't have a gender at all. I want to wear what makes me comfortable, and that can change every day. Who cares what clothes someone wears? They should be allowed to be themselves and be comfortable.
I don't fit into male and I don't fit into female. Overall I am more feminine but I don't want a female body, I am comfortable with the parts I have. That being said I am considering a slight T blocker which could actually help some of my body issues. I don't fit into the general masculine male category either. All my life I've been the boy who can get emotional and cry at everything. I'm not physically strong and I don't want to be. I don't want muscles at all and I HATE facial hair and all forms of body hair on my body. It does not fit my ideal body type for me personally or how I personally want to be. I don't want to be masculine, I want to be cute and adorable.
I'm more like a cute adorable boy. I like being called a boy, but I hate being called a man. I don't really care for being called female or a girl. I'm not either of those. But being seen as a sort of in-between or getting both ma'am-ed and sir-ed in one sentence makes me happy. I would love to present as totally androgynous.
Male pronouns are for the most part alright; you can refer to me as he/him. But I'm not a fan of things like being called sir. That to me is too masculine and has never really fit me. i don't really have a set of pronouns that I like as I personally don't like the sounds of any of them because, let's face it, I'm picky as all heck. I do however like -kun and -chan. (Kohaku-kun or Kohaku-chan). Those are both Japanese honorifics and honestly I'm a heck of a lot more comfortable with them than western pronouns... I'm not Asian at all (even though I would love to be) but as gendered constructs they fit me a lot better.
Gonna quote Wikipedia here:
Kun (君【くん】 [kuɴ]) is used by persons of senior status in addressing or referring to those of junior status, or by anyone when addressing or referring to male children or male teenagers, or among male friends. It can also be used by females when addressing a male that they are emotionally attached to or have known for a long period of time. Although kun is generally used for boys, it is not a hard rule. For example, kun can be used to name a close personal friend or family member of any gender. Also, in business settings, young female employees may also be addressed as kun by older males of senior status. It can also be used by male teachers addressing their female students.
In the Diet of Japan (Legislature), chairmen use kun when addressing diet members and ministers. An exception was when Takako Doi was the chairwoman of the lower house: she used the san title.
Chan (ちゃん [t͡ɕaɴ]?) is a diminutive suffix; it expresses that the speaker finds a person endearing. In general, chan is used for babies, young children, grandparents and teenagers. It may also be used towards cute animals, lovers, close friends, any youthful woman, or between friends. Using chan with a superior's name is considered to be condescending and rude.
Although, traditionally, honorifics are not applied to oneself, some people adopt the childish affectation of referring to themselves in the third person using chan (childish because it suggests that one has not learned to distinguish between names used for self and names used by others). For example, a young woman named Kanako might call herself Kanako-chan rather than using a first person pronoun. However, it only applies to people who have known each other for a long time and between people of the same gender. Otherwise, using this for someone, especially adults, only known for a short period of time, can be seen as offensive. Chan can also be used to refer to a peer that is female. Example: Naomi calls her friend Kari-chan
Both of these fit me PERFECTLY
and I have yet to find something in terms of western pronouns that do fit me and that I like the sound of. I'm complicated.
But, Kohaku-chan! Didn't you say you were gay before? What are you now?
Well, I'm glad you asked! I'm going to give you two words. Androsexual which means an attraction to males and Skoliosexual which means an attraction to people who are gender variant (nonbinary/genderqueer etc.). Combining them we get Andro-Skoliosexual which is the sexual attraction towards male-identified people as well as gender variant individuals. I'm also Andro-Skolioromantic.
Basically I'm still gay as heck and am attracted to people who identify as male or masculine-of-center.
But you can still all call me your adorable gay friend because those words are a mouthful.
Now, I've also been thinking about my name, many of you know me as Joseph or Joe. As I've gotten older I have especially shied away from the use of Joe... I kinda used that when I was younger because I was lazy about it all. Joseph is an alright name... and I might keep it as a part of my middle name. I have become more comfortable however with a new name.
Lucas or Luca. I like both variations... and years ago i didn't care for the name but it has grown on me a lot.
(It isn't the fault of Mother 3.)
(It might be a little.)
I do want to note, for those that have me on Facebook, please continue to use Joseph or Kohaku there for now. I haven't come out to many people on there and don't intend to just yet. If you are unsure what to call me on any website, just send me a message.
This is something I've been thinking about posting for a few days as my last entry of 2014 on BZPower.
I do want to say something important though.
If you ever need to talk, I am here and I will listen. You can send me a message at any time and I will try to respond as fast as I can. (Sadly I am out a lot as we are still trying to fix our house.) I read every PM or message I get on BZPower and off of it. I worry about all of you, even if we've never met or talked before.
I care for everyone, and I am always here to talk. Please reach out if you are depressed or contemplating suicide or even self harm. Please rant at me about any troubles you have. I am here for you and will do what I can to help. I can offer the help of both myself and my boyfriend.