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Three Videogame Titles You've Probably Never Played


Kakaru

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Six Game Titles You've Probably Never Heard of

 

1. Mass Effect 2

In an era that saw the release of such blockbuster hits as Sonic 06 and Transformers: The Movie: The Videogame, it's no surprise that a low-budget title like this flew under most people's radar. This side-scrolling RPG was praised for its gritty realism and flawlessly integrated cross-species dating simulator in addition to its moral binary dialogue options. It is widely considered to be one of the best games in the Star Trek franchise, but due to poor marketing decisions it fell flat upon release. Copies of this game sell upwards of $200 MISB, though you might be lucky to score a pirated copy off ebay (be warned that the game takes at least eight floppy disks to install and can lag on older operating systems such as the Apple II).

 

 

me_001.jpg

this is a cutscene i think

 

The gameplay follows the galactic adventures of Captain James Tiberius Shepard, pilot of the USSR Normandy, in his quest to stop the Asarian-Klingon alliance from taking control of the free airspace between the Paragon and Renegade solar systems. Along the way you gain followers who can increase your battle statistics such as Garrus and Ashley, both biotic Renegades who add an extra +20% boost to elemental damage when their loyalty missions have been completed.

 

 

me_002.jpg

statistics are the minigame where you use math to increase your brain damage

 

The ending is particularly impressive, built around a system that would allow choices from your previous games to affect who lives and dies and whether your ship is destroyed. Unfortunately no copies of Mass Effect 1 exist, so the system is essentially useless. However, there are console hacks available to allow you to make the choices from the first game, such as saving or defeating your father, infecting your entire crew with a slow-acting lung disease, and jerry-rigging your ship with eight metric tons of dynamite.

 

 

me_001.jpg

there is also space. look at all that space. Hang on thats not

 

 

2. Bioshock: Guns of Columbia

A cult-classic among fans of body-manipulation horror and cyberpunk dystopia, this indie title was considered the grandfather of modern shooter action, a sort of "combat evolved", if you will. It debuted on creepypasta boards across the internet, and eventually came to define a new generation of game developers; cited as the inspiration for titles such as System Shock, Resident Evil, and Silent Hill: Downpour. The developer has since disappeared from the internet, though the game is still in circulation.

 

 

bio_002.jpg

woah nuts i dont remember this part

 

The story was straightforward, chronicling the quest of the protagonist, Andrew Ryan, and his vision to build a golf course under the sea. It explores heavy ideological neo-Marxist concepts such as the power of the individual and the dangers of government intervention in golf. Its a classic underdog tale of one man against an imaginary persecution complex and also hordes of spider-zombie-men.

 

 

bio_001.jpg

this wasnt in my copy

 

Gameplay focused on using an abstract mix of guns and environments to dispatch of the drug-addled creatures that had overrun Ryan's hometown of Columbia. For example, one of the games most iconic kills, dubbed "the ol one-two", would allow the player to light buildings on fire, then shoot zombies in the face. It is presumed that the burning building adds a damage boost, though nobody has ever confirmed it.

 

 

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maybe im thinking of a different game

 

 

3. The Elder Scrolls IV: Morrowind

It's no exaggeration to say The Elder Scrolls series has had a troubled past. The first game, Oblivion: Sins of a Solar Empire aimed too high, seeking to create a game that infused classic Nordic mythology with modern sci-fi aesthetics. Unfortunately the story and visual tone clashed with its native system's limitations, the Atari 3600. Without the proper hardware to communicate the developers intentions, the series was a complete flop in its subsequent releases on the Nintendo 64 and Gameboy Color, and Morrowind was announced but soon fell into obscurity with the likes of Duke Nukem 3D.

 

 

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the Jesus DLC was the best dont let anyone tell you different

 

Morrowind, however, was not dead. It traded developers hands for over eight years, going through the likes of THQ and even Rockstar before finding its niche with EA as a PS3 exclusive in surprisingly polished form.

 

 

es_003.jpg

a perfect blend of genres: the electric bridge

 

The game naturally comes across as a marriage between Deus Ex: Invisible War and Thief, an open-world cyberpunk-viking RPG that allows players the ability to choose between two major combat classes: Bard and two-handed. Exploring the country of Morrow, you fight enemies such as giant spiders, giant bears, giant giants, and even giant spiders. Enemies can be easily dispatched based on their level, perception, damage resistance, and how many laser guns you're carrying/how fast you can sing them to death.

 

 

es_002.jpg

thats a bard. No the horse I mean

 

 

4. Half Life 2

Developed in 2004 by a small team of Harvard students, this physics simulator was sadly underlooked by critics, the story lambasted as "Tomb Raider meets modern buddy-cop TV." How this translates as anything but a compliment will always fail me, but the fact remains that an average review on IGN hovers at around 3.0 and contains phrases such as "(...) modern gaming should not require one to have a masters degree in theoretical physics (...)" and "Non-euclidian geomerty [sic] sounds like a great way to innovate the gaming landscape, but in reality it comes off as quite one-dimensional."

 

 

hl_001.jpg

there it is. do you see the resemblance. wait let me rewind

 

The story, despite critics scathing reviews, is surprisingly deep, offering a multi-perspective look at Alex Vance and Gordon Freeman's journey through the apocalyptic ruins of City 17 after the explosive conflict between the Xex borderworld and the transhumanist Combine forces. Gameplay requires both characters to work together to overcome obstacles using the games advanced physics engine and a basic understanding of the fluid state of eight dimensions and the effect of quantum space on a fixed point on the physical plane. If you prefer the story you can always use the noclip cheat to bypass large portions of the game, but you're missing out.

 

 

hl_002.jpg

physics

 

One of the best parts of the game is a surprising well-implemented virtual-reality setpiece: Gordon and Alyx face off against the G-Man in the ruins of the capital, Ravenholm, and Gordon is forced to overheat the gravity gun to use as a potential flamethrower in four dimensions and concludes with your computer crashing and chewing the disk up in a cloud of smoke, then setting your house on fire. It's worth playing at least twice to really appreciate.

 

 

hl_003.jpg

you see that guy running? thats me. from my house

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flawlessly integrated cross-species dating simulator my rear

i never got to be in love with garrus

never

*sobs in a corner* i'm so pathetic

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flawlessly integrated cross-species dating simulator my rear

 

i never got to be in love with garrus

 

never

 

*sobs in a corner* i'm so pathetic

But

 

it's a bioware game

 

it's not hard

 

literally anyone will fall in love with you as long as you don't go out of your way to say "NO I HATE YOU"

 

(And you should be ashamed for your failure to romance Space Batman.)

 

(PS: The captions make this.)

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i was a man shep and Garrus was never allowed to be male-romanceable ;~;

 

i tried to redo the games as fem shep but i am OCD with doing -everything- in the game and i still have 70 hours in her file and i'm not even half done with ME1 ;~;

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