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Teddy Bear Factory



I found this one going through an old flash drive of mine. I still find this one funny...and insane. Too much HF on the brain.




“Teddy Bear Hotline – please state the nature of your crisis.”


This is the Teddy Bear Factory, where the best Teddy Bears in the galaxy are built. Customized with the latest charm and technology, no matter where it takes them.


When 500 wretched villains strike, the galaxy’s most powerful force against evil is ready.


Teddy Bear factory – we build Teddy Bears!


* * *


A malicious toy dinosaur turned from the dull confines of his cell to view what was a sadly common sight – Fuzzball and Rockerz leading another miscreant into storage. Mockery sounded from all directions, including the dolls and Makuta Teridax on the first floor.


“Please don’t do this” whined the cuffed teddy. She was of a tasteful shade of black, and her fur was studded with miniature lightening bolts.


“Nah, I’m afraid the ride’s over for you, Voltix” said Fuzzball, whose fur was more of a crimson persuasion. He shoved the bear into the cell, laser lines springing up behind her.


Rockerz turned to Fuzzball as the crane loaded Voltix’s cell into place. “That black orb staff thing – maybe we should put that thing in a more secure place. It gives me the creeps.”


Voltix laughed, a sharp, shrill affair. “It gives me hope, so I can stand on mountains. It gives me hope, to fight another day…” Mesmerized by her musical lit, the boys didn’t notice the black energy leaking out of Voltix’s cell until it was too late.


Fuzzball smiled. “Cool! A dimensional portal!” Red lasers blinked out, and various villains leaped to the floor, headed for the column of lightening.


Snuggles appeared behind them. “What happened?”


“Breakout. All the prisoners are escaping!”


“What do we do? There’s too many of them!”


Furno slapped Eggplant on the back. “We’re Teddy Bears. That means we stop them.”


So Eggplant, Fuzzball, Rockerz, and Snuggles made a number of failed attempts to control the breakout. Snuggles found himself in front of a toy shark, who was making concerted attempts to bite his head off. “notgoodnotgoodnotgoodnotgood.”

Eggplant meanwhile headed straight for the dimensional vortex, only to be yanked out by Snuggles, sending the shark crashing into the rift. “You’re not ready for that. What do you think you’re doing?”


And just like that, all the Teddy Bears backed up. “So sorry for the damage” crooned Voltix. “Send us a bill.” And with that, she leaped into the swirl and was gone.


* * *


Zebra stood up in front of the assembled teddies. “This is the greatest challenge the Teddy Bear factory has ever faced. All the villains in our custody have escaped!”


Skinny, a blue-tinged bear in the back chuckled quietly. “It’s not as bad as Makuta Teridax.”


String Cheese punched him. “Makuta Teridax escaped, you dimwit.”


“Fortunately,” continued Zebra, “we insert chips in villain processing, so tracking them won’t be a problem.”


Fuzzball nodded. “Follow your nose – the potato chip scent is hard to miss.”


“But due to the large number of villains that escaped, we are sending you on individual missions to capture each one of them.”


Skinny yawned.


“We have new Teddy Cuffs!” announced Zebra, holding one up one with his mouth.


“Why bother – the old ones worked just fine” said Snuggles.


“These cuffs can be attached or thrown, and will lock on-“


“Enough!” said Snuggles, snatching up the new cuffs. “I’m going after the shark thing.”


Zebra snorted. “I’ve already assigned him to Fuzzball.”


“Well, you do a good job, kid” said Snuggles, handing him the handcuffs. “It’s what I trained you for.”


Fuzzball waved him off. “Even you know that handcuffs don’t work on sharks.”


* * *


Snuggles pedaled as fast as he could after his green faced adversary. His tricycle squeaked as he rounded a bend and viewed his opponent on a similar vehicle.

A schematic popped up. “I have a reading on Speeda Clown. He seems to be headed to the planetary navigation beacon.”


Zebra, on the other end of the com, snorted. “If he gets there, incoming ships won’t know where to go, and he’ll be able to broadcast his face in a blink of an eye.”


“Not on my paws” said Snuggles. He frantically pedaled after the speeding clown, activating a pair of devices on the back of the tricycle. Snowballs pelted the being, despite his best efforts to avoid them. After awhile though, the machines ran out of ammo and fell to the ground.


“You thought those little machines would beat me?” snarled the clown, amidst his evil clown laugh.


“No, but they did slow you down so I could get ahead” said Snuggles.


* * *


“Why didn’t you launch?” demanded Zebra, standing two feet away from Rockerz.


“Mr. Makubear said to stay behind.” said Rockerz, earphones plugged into the back of his electric guitar. “Security reasons.”


* * *


Meanwhile, a small black spider descended into the prison on a thin web. Above it was a floating being of darkness, indistinctly shaped but nonetheless connected to the spider – it moved along with it across the broken storage unit.


* * *


Eggplant called in. “I’m in a bit of a sticky situation…having trouble dealing with this…snake…” His voice was strained, and it was clear through the video com link that his fur was stuck together.

A spider appeared above the status screen, shoving and nipping Zebra. “Urgh, I hate spiders.” He backed away, nervous. Numerous spiders hearded Zebra and his lieutenants into the center of the floor, putting them in a forcefield.


* * *


Rockerz wandered away, going down to the empty villain storage unit. The large space, in his mind, would make a great concert hall – a place where he could imagine his audience…


But then the door slammed behind him. The controls to open it again didn’t work. He flipped on the com panel. “Hey Zeb, what’s up?”

“Why would I tell you?” snarled Zebra. “You spend too much time with the guitar to care.”


Rockerz looked around. There was an opening, a way out, but it was high above his head. He needed rope. He didn’t have one. Except…Rockerz looked down at his guitar. Well, a bears gotta do what a bear’s gotta do…


* * *


Fuzzball dived the best he could, trying to stay out of reach of those powerful jaws. “Help” he whined as his aqua-jet pack slammed him into the seafloor.


“You don’t understand why I can here.” roared the shark. “I came to make sure that no teddy bear would be able to stand against me.”


“You succeeded” said Fuzzball. “Now stop chasing me.”


The world disappeared in a shower of red splotches.


“Furr-o-lineum!” crowed Fuzzball’s opponent. “Instantly removes – Hey!”


The teddy bear had the shark in an iron grip around its middle, his pack and his legs pushing them to the surface. “Thanks for the help, buddy – now you won’t slip out of my bear hug.”


* * *


Skinny snorted. The monster he had been sent to capture was arguing with itself. He took advantage of the distraction to fire the computer-cuffs at the beast, only to watch them connect. “Those computers nowdays always take the fun out of things” he said as he grabbed the incoherent babbling mess and yanked him back to the custody of the satellite. Bored, he spilt an asteroid in half on the way back.


* * *


String Cheese was having his own problems, mostly that he could barely see. “Vooltiix, where arrre yoooou?” he said. The response was an explosion of pain as his body crackled with electricity.


“This is an insult of the highest order” she said. “They thought a rookie like you could defeat me?” She let up on her electrical attack, slinking away.


“All around the mulberry bush, the mulberry bush, the mulberry bush” babbled String Cheese, running around in circles. Voltix spun around, trying to zap him, only to find herself gradually surrounded by an ever-frightening mummification of string cheese.


String Cheese smiled. “Well, that about wraps this thing up.”


* * *


Eggplant could not move. He could barely see, as the giant snake bent toward him with a hiss. His fingertip was as…slow…as…molasses…coming down on the trigger…




The snake screamed writhing away in pain at the energy weapon.


“Hey Eggplant – need some help?” Skinny swooped in, placing his foot on top of the snake’s head to keep it there.


“This…wasn’t…the rules…of the game.” strained out Eggplant.


Skinny turned and slapped the catch on the snake’s holding container. “This isn’t a game, buddy. This is real life.” He grabbed his friend, pulling him along toward an interplanetary craft. “Let’s hope they don’t have to shave that green off. It’s a new fashion, I hear.”


* * *


Rockerz walked casually up the stairs, chewing on licorice as he went. He had managed to fix his guitar and was tuning it lazily. That is, until a bunch of spiders ran down the stairs, knocking him over. Struggling, Rockerz knocked off a few of them with his musical instrument and resumed his casual jaunt up the stairs, ignoring the spiders that nipped at his heels. Playing a soft lullaby, he entered Mr. Makubear’s quarters. The view from here was impressive. A new song was definitely on order here, just to capture the essence.


A red light blinked on the corner of his vision – a slight disruption in the assembly tower mechanisms, nothing to worry about.


* * *


“Well, all I really had to do was cuff him after that” explained Snuggles. “I did chuck a snowball at him again, though, just for fun.”


String Cheese smiled at that. “I had to engage in a tug-of-war with Intergalactic Towing Services. My Teddy Bear Pod was illegally parked.”


“Has anyone seen Rockerz?”


* * *


“What are you doing here?” said Rockerz, looking up at the black void drifting amoung the collections of wires in the assembly tower. Energy crackled, feeding into the black cloud.


“I am Black Phantom, and I will steal power from this wretched Teddy Bear factory!”


“You must be pretty desperate. Do you like music? It might sooth your nerves.”


“Music? What is music?


Rocka smiled and began to play. As he did, the black apparition began to drift downwards toward the beautiful sound, leaving the power conduits and his power grab behind.


“Get away from there!” Snuggles said, heading after Rockerz.


“No” said Eggplant, crashing into Snuggles. “Let him play.”


“Look” said Fuzzball, pointing to the Phantom. “He’s dancing.”


* * *


Zebra looked at the computer files. “Mr. Makubear, this file has been sent to an unknown location.”


“Probably just another glitch.” said Mr. Makubear. “We have been having a lot of those lately. It certainly isn’t part of a larger plan or anything like that.”


* * *


Makuta Teridax turned away from the computer screen. “Look, here’s the plan. We use the information that our operative stole, and build our own factory to create evil villains, which we then use to besiege the Teddy Bear Factory and lure Teddy Bears away from the Factory, allowing us to take control of said Factory and rule the entire galaxy.”


Von Nebula shook his head. “I am so bored.”


The End

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