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The Christmas Brigade is awful. (review)

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Heyzorks

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Well, here we are. The Christmas Brigade. The sequel to The Christmas Light. So, the first film was bad enough in it's 22 minutes runtime, but the sequel- is over 60 minutes.

This film is possibly worse than it's predecessor. The plot goes that Santa, Burton, Jennifer and Isaac are now...a secret agency? they refer to themselves as the Christmas Brigade, who apparently have agents all over the world.  The film begins with a camera shot of Santa's Workshop (which looks like a prison) and an infuriating song that goes something like: The Christmas Brigade brings the magic of Christmas to every day of the year! That's Right! Every day of the year! Oh yeah! Patrolling the skies above the planet earth, the Christmas Brigade has proved it's worth!

so after this musical monstrosity is completed, we cut to Santa's Sled 2, which you may remember. And then we see the gang: Burton, Isaac and Jennifer. Immediately after stating that The Christmas Brigade must bring the magic of Christmas to every day of the year, Burton tries to make a joke: "Hey Jen, what kind of a girl does a burger like? Any, as long as she's named Patty!" This is either a terrible attempt at humor or flirting. hopefully the first one. Then Burton says how much he loves this pick up line joke. So then Santa interrupts and says to them through a speaker: "Come in, Christmas Brigade. It's a beautiful night tonight, I've never seen a prettier Christmas eve. The Christmas Light is strong this year. I can feel it." Santa then explains how powerful and good the Christmas light is. Then Sled 2 gets a message from one of their agents: a small French child named Pierre who tells them(with an obviously fake french accent): "A strange ship has appeared at ze Eiffel tow-er! It is shaking!" The tower begins to violently shake as Santa yells at his agents to get over there, at light-speed. Christmas Light-speed. so after approximately 1 second they decide to slow down. Then the tower begins to shrink. Then Pierre starts to fall, and X (the small weird flying robot thing they have) saves Pierre. them, Jennifer says how much she is glad that she kept faith in the Christmas Light. Then Isaac says: "It was X who saved him, not the Christmas Light." Then this religious discussion is interrupted by the moderators when they wonder who was in that ship that made the tower shrink.  So, later (they actually have a screen that says "Later..." that shows when they can't be bothered to animate something ) Then Isaac says he has invented a device called the Power Belt, which allows him to clip through walls. The others are amazed at this. Then Isaac says that the device can also shrink and freeze things, but these functions aren't perfected and could backfire. Then he shrinks Burton for some reason. He says to Burton: "On the practical side, you can now comb your hair and tie your shoes at the same time."  Go figure. Then Jennifer and Isaac start arguing and Burton lightens the mood with another "Joke" : "What did the burger say to the topping who couldn't keep up? Ketchup! get it, Catch up? i just love that one! Ha ha!" Then we cut to Santa's Prison-looking-fortress-workshop and he gets a call from a junior member (of the Brigade) known as Johnny Johnson. he says that the Golden Gate Bridge is being orbited by a strange ship, the same one we saw earlier. Then Santa warns Johnny Johnny to get off the bridge, And tells The Brigade to get over there. Jennifer replies with: "this is the Christmas Brigade, i'm in charge." Then Isaac says "this is the Christmas Brigade, i'm in charge." Sadly, not even Burton's Burger flirting can lighten the mood this time. Then Santa ask where Burton is (Burton is apparently the leader of this particular squad) and Jennifer says that Isaac shrunk him. So then they yeet of to the Bridge, to see what's going on. They ask: "There's the ship, but who's in there?" Then we are introduced to the Villain of the piece: Doctor D.  He says: Dr. D is the name, and i'm Dr. D! This is my ship, The Dart!" We cut to a shot of a weird ray attached to his ship, which he says: "This is the Transducer-Reducer!" Then he states that: I don't just play with my competition, I crush them! And you, sirs, are my competition." Jennifer says he sounds like a nutcase, which he does, the voice actor makes him sound weird. oh yeah, Dr. D has a purple mustache. Why? Because why not! So Isaac somehow gathers the information that Dr. D can restore things to their original size, and clips through the wall to challenge him. Dr D says that he intends to shrink everything down that is important to people (Oh no, he's gonna shrink The Lego Group!) And put them in his wonders of the world display case. "Call it, a Christmas present to myself." He says. Then Dr D says that he's going to bring misery to every day of the year, to which Isaac says is impractical. Then Isaac gets mind controlled, because Dr. D wants him for assistance in his evil plans. Then he begins telling him his tragic backstory about how fat he was and how he had to iron his clothes in the driveway and that his last picture had to be taken from a satellite. Then he says he has a wonderful retirement plan. So D and his mind-controlled servant go off to the Christmas Complex (Santa's prison). Then we get a 4 second long scene of Isaac floating up to Santa's prison, because now he can do that.  So he and D shrink Santa because and put him on a plant because they are evil. Apparently Santa needs to get rid of the mini Transducer-Reducer that was placed in his office, "Before it midnight, 12 o' clock.", when it will activate and shrink the Christmas Complex forever.  Then Isaac says to Jennifer that he will now help Dr D because "You guys have a lousy benefits package, And retirement plan." Then Dr D says that he plans to be the richest and thinnest man in the world. "Just look at me, i have the body of an 18 year-old!" Then Jennifer roasts him. Christmas roasts him. "Well if you do, you'd better give it back, 'cause you've ruined it." You know what? I'll just type out this next dialogue without commentary. it's too good to miss:

D: "Dear, dear, you are cute. i love just 3 things, power, money and both! Money may not buy you love, but it does put you in a very good negotiating position."

Jennifer: "Well i guess you have your standards. They're just low. But you are a big success at being a failure."

Then she roasts Isaac as well:

Jennifer: Isaac, if you ever need a friend...."

Isaac: "Yeah?"

Jennifer:" Buy a dog!"

This is the only good dialogue in the whole film.

So, Jennifer and Burton try to contact Santa, but he has been shrunk and now cannot reach the speaker.

Burton and Jennifer go back to the Christmas Complex to talk to Santa.  After clipping through the walls, They find he isn't there. Except, he is, Only too small to be seen, poor thing. Santa tries and fails to communicate with them. Jennifer and Burton clip through a few walls to try and find him, and they fail. Burton laments that he can "just see the headlines now", and we get to see these headlines:

WHERE'S SANTA?

scandal in the brigade!

and

NO CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR!

" i think he's cuter this size"

-Jennifer

Meanwhile, tiny Santa falls of of a plant he was standing on, and onto the floor. So Santa then encounters beetles. Singing beetles. These beetles mention how short their life is and sing about it.  Then a song worse than Burton's explosive rant fills our ears.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5971prpADA

so watch this and behold.

Well after that abomination of a song the beetles carry Santa up to Santa's desk. Santa can now reach the speaker, and can communicate with Burton and Jennifer.

Santa says that he is now smaller than a pea, and that Burton is a giant compared to him. We then cut to The Dart, where Isaac and Dr. D have hacked into Santa's Communication device with their Mad Hacker Xtreme Kool Skillz and notice he is communicating with Burton and Jennifer. He tells Isaac to shrink The Dart And fly right in(To Santa's complex ). They do this , and then an incredible chase scene begins, with a shrunk Dart and Sled 2 (for some reason they also shrunk, go figure.) chasing each other through Santa's office. But, Egad! There's only 5 minutes left before "it 12 o' clock, midnight"! So the mini Transducer-Reducer placed in Santa's office is about to go off! Then D and Isaac fly out of the complex and send out their Evil Robot (Who is just a recolored X) To chase after X. Then X gets shot by Z (the evil robot) And then D tells Isaac to fire the Death Ray (Which apparently he has now for some reason) at Sled 2. Santa tells Jennifer and Burton that there was a great disturbance in the Christmas Light and that they must keep faith. Then, in the most underwhelming attack sequence ever, the Death Ray is fired and Sled 2 spirals out of control while The Complex is shrunk by Dr. D. Then Isaac starts talking about how great D's retirement plan is, before D reminds him about profit sharing and at this point i don't want to review this anymore. and yet i do.  So D gloats about how he has destroyed Christmas and bla bla bla evil plan stuff. Then in Sled 2 Burton mentions how the Christmas Light saved them and returns to normal size because Christmas Light or something. Then  Dr. D shrinks the Sled 2 into his wonders of the world display case. Then he starts talking about his freaking annoying backstory and how he lost 120 pounds and he had an attorney who helped him get a divorce, all of which has NO RELEVANCE to the actual "Plot" of the film.  Then Dr. D starts using burger-related flirting techniques  riddles and tells Burton some weird thing about a burger who could tell his fortune. Then a screen which says "LATER......" Pops up, then disappears and Isaac communicates with Sled 2 via weird speaker thingy and says that the mind control device is broken and that Dr D is asleep, and how that they can escape if they hit the wall at Christmas Light speed,  they'l able able to get out. Jennifer initially doesn't believe Isaac, but then Dr. D appears and says the same thing Isaac told Jennifer to Isaac, only to say that if they actually do that Sled 2 will explode.  Then Burton has an epiphany that the answer to D's joke/riddle is a Medium Hamburger. (he says "I just love that one, i just love it!") then he realizes that they have to hit the wall at Christmas light speed Medium to get out. They do this and yeet out of the case and crash into one of The Dart's control levers. Then they freeze Dr D's ship (with the power belts,remember?). So then instead of explaining how everything got back to normal, Santa just says that everything is now back to normal.  Burton then makes another burger joke: "What kind of dance does a burger do? the Jar Jar! I just love that one, i mean i just LOVE it!" I don't even understand anymore. I just want to finish the review. Then they start singing their Christmas Brigade song, again.  Then Santa announces that everyone is invited to a Christmas Party where Jennifer and her "Sister" (Just a recolored version of her model) Sing Christmas songs for 20 minutes.  Then they recap THE ENTIRE FIRST FILM ALL OVER AGAIN. BY JUST PLAYING IT AGAIN. I am beginning to hate this film. Then Jennifer and her sister sing the CHRISTMAS BRIGADE SONG AGAIN.  Then the film ends- But wait! They have to sing The Christmas Brigade song AGAIN! Then, the film FINALLY ends for real.

 

I'm glad that's over.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6xhUWu7A7Ro

  Watch the whole thing here, and comment below about your "favourite" parts!

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18 minutes ago, Bambi said:

Dare I watch this? From your description, I'm also afraid to. :P

Well it's kinda funny at some parts, what with Dr. D talking about his retirement plans all the time. it's up to you, though i'd recommend watching the Christmas Light first. 

Edited by Heyzorks

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39 minutes ago, Mushy the Mushroom said:

Surprising that YouTube doesn't give these movie uploads copyright strikes? :lol:

Who would want to own these.......... things?

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