Interview: The Chief Gremlin, Minion Of Survurlode
Entry posted by bonesiii
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Today the Bones Blog brings you an interview with one of Evil Lord Survurlode's minions, the Chief Gremlin. I discovered the existence of these creatures only by a slip of the tongue on Survurlode's part on the last interview. I've hunted down the Chief and he has agreed to let me interview him in person at his home. Though I was a little confused when he told me to meet him on a tiny rocky island off the coast of Metru Nui... This time I brought my own camera, so I could include snapshots, and I recorded the conversations. The following is the transcript.
bones: Hello... Mr. Gremlin. Do you have a name other than "Chief Gremlin"?
Chief Gremlin: Actually, it's THE Chief Gremlin with a capital T, just like THE Shadowed One.
bones: Oh. I see. So, introduce yourself to our readers, since you were classified until recently. Who are you? And maybe a little bit about what Gremlins are?
THE Chief Gremlin: Well, basically we're amphibious biomechanical minions based off a stolen BoM Fohrok design. Which is based off of stolen Bohrok designs. Which is based off of stolen design sketches from these weird fleshy creatures called something like "Hoomons" who live in a distant land called "Billund". Or so I heard. Anyways, we specialize in making computer glitches to help Evil Lord Survurlode bring BZPower and the rest of the Internet to its knees. I'm the one in charge of the others.
bones: I see.
THE Chief Gremlin: Don't forget to snap a photo!
bones: Very well.
THE Chief Gremlin: Like my fancy armor?
bones: Whatever. Next question. What gave Survurlode the idea to make Gremlins biomechanical rather than just mechanical like Bohrok or Fohrok?
THE Chief Gremlin: Well, Evil Lord Survurlode got tired of hearing all about the "Orcs" that served his brother, Sauron -- which are biological -- so he became obsessed with inventing his own minions. He tried Rahi called "Orcas" for a while. It made sense, given his power over water. But being whales, they didn't really listen to orders... Later he figured out that Bohrok may have once been biomechanical too, so he just worked from there.
bones: Do you have any images of these "Orcas" for our readers?
THE Chief Gremlin: Yes, I have some in my house.
bones: Oh -- so you actually have a house? I was confused on that. All I see here are a few rocks and lots of water.
THE Chief Gremlin: Well think about it -- my boss is obsessed with flooding every island he can, so a normal house would be pointless. No, a long time ago all of us Gremlins upgraded to an iHouse.
bones: A what?
THE Chief Gremlin: iHouse, ya know? It's the latest craze! It's a phone, mp3 player, video game console, printer, full-sized keyboard, computer desk, chair, refrigerator, oven, microwave, bed, and more. For some reason there's no Kitchen Sink, but we have so much water thanks to my boss that it doesn't matter. [He pulled the iHouse out of his pocket.]
bones: All I see is a... doorknob?
THE Chief Gremlin: Watch. [He pressed a button on the iHouse.]
[At this point, a house magically expanded out of the back of the knob, on the island. Unfortunately as it was expanding one wall slammed into me and knocked me off into the Silver Sea, and I sunk, being an undead skeleton and all. Had to climb up the steep underwater sides of the island before the interview could continue. My recorder was ruined, but thankfully THE Chief Gremlin had another one inside his iHouse, which he lent me. Later I was able to recover the text of the first part of the interview when my recorder dried.]
bones: Nice place you have. It's very... clean...
THE Chief Gremlin: Yes, sorry about the lack of a mess. I get these strange impulses to clean... it all... every once in a while. It all... must be... *ahem* Sorry. Leftover code from the Bohrok design. Anyways, that's an Orca in that photograph. It's one I tamed.
bones: I thought they couldn't be tamed?
THE Chief Gremlin: Well, you see, Survurlode has this way with his obsessions. He became obsessed with eradicating all Orcas from the Bionicle Universe. I had to secretly tame that one so that it could survive until Survurlode forgot about it (but don't tell him that), and I discovered that the Orcas are actually very intelligent -- they just didn't like Survurlode's personality. I have a big weakness when it comes to animals in distress. I released it into the wild a few years ago.
bones: Wow. Why would Survurlode do that? I mean, I know he's evil, but wiping out an entire species of animals just because they wouldn't obey him?
THE Chief Gremlin: Actually, it wasn't that. He had wanted servants because of the Orcs, remember, but later when his brother died, he realized the Orcs had failed to protect Sauron. So he figured, "Orcas" might fail too. So he ordered their deaths to prevent his own downfall in his own version of a Mount Doom scenario.
Voice from another room: DooMAH!
bones: Who said that?
THE Chief Gremlin: Ah, yes, you will want to meet my Pet Peeves!
bones: Your what?
THE Chief Gremlin: Pet Peeves! Creatures that feed on things that are annoying. They come in all kinds of species. It's sort of a hobby I have, collecting them.
bones: Is that anything like Peeves, the Poltergeist in Harry Potter?
THE Chief Gremlin: No, silly! Harry Potter is fiction!
bones: Oh.
THE Chief Gremlin: Just come over into this room, and I'll show you. [We walked through that crooked doorway you saw earlier.] These kraata-like things are Plural Apostrophe's.
THE Chief Gremlin: They all have a hive mind, so the whole group is really one creature. They have very intense appetites -- most people can't handle them. The trick is to feed them with any book that you own, if it has typos in it, a couple a day. So obviously I spend a lot of time at the bookstore. Mostly I feed them Faulkner.
Plural Apostrophe's: *Hisssssssssss*
bones: And what are these tablets with eyes?
THE Chief Gremlin: These are Bionicles.
THE Chief Gremlin: They're pretty easy to handle. They just sit there and quote from the legends of Bionicle whenever they're nervous. They're an endangered species, because only a few inhabitants of BZ-Koro domesticate them, and they're very vulnerable in the wild. Although I've heard that those fleshy things in Billund have some too.
A Bionicle: "And that is the way.... of the BIONICLE."
Another Bionicle: "We must rescue the Matorans!"
Yet Another: "Unity! Duty! DESTINY!!!!11!1!"
THE Chief Gremlin: There there. [He fed the Bionicles some snacks called "Topic Titles", and they calmed down.] Anyways, I also have some Alwayzon Turnsignals, some of their relatives the Neveron Turnsignals, some Chalkboard Scratchers, and the one you heard was a very rare specimen, a Doom.
Doom: DooMAH!
bones: Oh, those. I think I've got one running around at home, actually...
THE Chief Gremlin: Yes, there are many Wild Peeves too. I'm actually writing a book called "How to Catch a Wild Peeve". Or at least, I'm trying to write it, but every time I make a typo, the Plural Apostrophe's eat the draft...
bones: Now, this is interesting. You are a head honcho in the most evil organization known, and yet you have this soft spot. Is this, maybe, because deep down, you know you're on the wrong side?
THE Chief Gremlin: Ha! No, no, I love my job. What is this, good cop, bad cop?
bones: I'm a moderator, not a cop... besides, there's nobody else here to be the other cop.
Another voice: *ahem* And what am I, a fly on the wall?
[At this point I noticed the evil clock in the room. Which was, incidentally, on the wall, but I didn't bring it up...]
bones: Ah. No, didn't mean to imply that. But aren't all evil clocks higher ranking than Gremlins? You would be THE Chief Gremlin's overseer, yes? Maybe he is just pretending to like his job since you're here?
Wall Clock: I serve merely as the messenger to the Chief Evil Clock for The Chief Gremlin. I knew about the Orca, you know -- and I didn't pass that on. I'm loyal to The Chief Gremlin. And by the way, you don't have to keep yelling "THE". Yeesh.
bones: Sorry.
The Chief Gremlin: Anyways, no, I am proud of the E.V.I.L. we have accomplished. Recently, although Brave Knight... I mean, Cowardly Scum Binkmeister did deal us a serious blow with the board update, I singlehandedly created the Gremlin Database Corruption Glitch, which as you know has been randomly deleting members and topics, making random forums or topics inaccessible. Etc.
bones: Oh, yes, I know. You made S&T inaccessible the other day. And one of the RKs lost his account. So... just remember who you're talking to before you get all cocky...
Wall Clock: You are powerless here, skeleton. Remember the clockcuff that is still on your wrist, despite your silly sledgehammers.
bones:
The Chief Gremlin: And we've made plenty of headway lately. Remember brickshelf? That was our doing. All the busy messages on BIONICLEsector01? Gremlins, and same with the host difficulties, with the help of an Evil Clock. We've even managed to interfere with people's abiltity to back up their files during the short time they still have brickshelf!
bones:
The Chief Gremlin: And we have more plans. Oh yes, don't you doubt it.
bones: Anything you can tell us about those plans? And please don't say "Sorry, that information is classified." I hate it when you guys steal my lines.
The Chief Gremlin: Oh! Then maybe you'd be interested in helping me catch a Stolen Thunder Peeve?
bones: Uh, no thanks. Sounds... dangerous. And don't change the subject.
The Chief Gremlin: Well, I think we can afford to reveal one of Survurlode's backup plans, just so you don't think you can ever win. You see, Sauron was once in a form much like Survurlode's current form, but he was "killed" when Isildur cut the One Telephone Ring off his finger, right?
bones: Yeah?
The Chief Gremlin: Well, as you know, Sauron came back in the form of a giant tower with a giant I of flame. So we Gremlins have designed a similar tower for Survurlode, just in case Binkmeister ever "kills" him. It's a giant I of water. Here, I've got the plans of it here.
bones: Are you sure it was an "I"? I thought it was an "eye".
The Chief Gremlin: That was only in the movie version. In real life it was an I, because Sauron was... well, very selfish. He said "I" a lot, you know? They just made the eye in the movie to emphasize how all-seeing he was, just like Survurlode.
bones: I see. Um... pun not intended...
The Chief Gremlin: And by the way, once you read the transcript of this interview on the recorder I give you, you'll noticed I said "E.V.I.L." earlier rather than just "evil". That's one of our plans too.
bones: What's that stand for? And what's the plan?
The Chief Gremlin: It stands for "Every Villain Is Lemons". And all I can say right now is, it involves Ahkmou, and it will involve the Bohrok and the Nuva...
bones:
Oh dear. You didn't hack the Bohrok that the Nuva just awoke did you?The Chief Gremlin: It stands for "Every Villain Is Lemons". And all I can say right now is, it involves Ahkmou, and it will involve the Bohrok and the Nuva...
bones: Um. You said that already.
The Chief Gremlin: It stands for "Every Villain Is Lemons". And all I can say right now is, it involves Ahkmou, and it will involve the Bohrok and the Nuva...
bones: Hello?
Wallclock: It's the glitches. We call it Broken Record Syndrome.
bones: Yeah, Evil Lord Survurlode mentioned this happens sometimes. How do I knock him out of it?
Wallclock: You wait.
bones:
The Chief Gremlin: It stands for "Every Villain Is Lemons". And all I can say right now is, it involves Ahkmou, and it will involve the Bohrok and the Nuva...
bones: You know, with cars, "lemons" are defective.
The Chief Gremlin: It stands for "Every Villain Is Lemons". What what? Oh. Sorry. There I go again. Again. Again. *ahem*
bones: I was hoping to ask you about the mysterious Poolantir that Survurlode has. What are its powers? How does it work? All I know is what it looks like, from this photograph our spies obtained:
The Chief Gremlin: It must be cleaned.
bones: Um...
The Chief Gremlin: CLEAN IT ALL!
[At this point he began running around, grabbing brooms, vacuum cleaners, sponges, dustclothes, etc. and cleaning the house. And he dusted off the same windowsill twenty times. It got a little old.]
The Chief Gremlin: What are you just standing around for, Matoran slave?
bones: Wh... Oh great. Don't tell me there's leftover code from the Fohrok too!
Wallclock: Well how else would they be so glitchy?
The Chief Gremlin: What are your orders, Makuta?
bones: Who... me? Oh! Right, right. Well, first, betray Evil Lord Survur--
Wallclock: That's QUITE enough! Snap out of it, The Chief Gremlin!
The Chief Gremlin: What? Oh! Sorry. It really does need cleaned though!
bones: Poolantir! What are its powers?
The Chief Gremlin: Sorry, that information is classified. Sorry, that information...
bones:
Well, I can see this interview is over. Thanks for giving our readers this time, Chief Gremlin--The Chief Gremlin: THE Chief Gremlin... Sorry. Pet peeve.
bones: And I look forward to perhaps talking with you again sometime.
The Chief Gremlin: It's been a pleasure, Matoran Slave. What? What are you babbling about, slave? Go clean your room!
bones:
[After this point, I was priveleged to witness the other glitch Survurlode had mentioned -- The Chief Gremlin decided he wanted to eat me, so I skedaddled out of there as fast as my bony legs could take me. I think I'll go back to telephone interviews from now on...]
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