Friends Can Disagree
Entry posted by bonesiii
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(Most important points are bold.)
If there was ever a "title says it" moment for blogs, this is it.
But as simple as the statement "friends can disagree" is, it is shocking how profound and almost universally unknown it is to so many people. Whether on BZP or real life, people often start avoiding each other when they find out they like different things, or don't see eye to eye on things. This is wrong.
Now maybe there are situations where this is all you can do. Being friends, even in the face of disagreements, is two choices. The choice of the one person, and the choice of the other. In the case of a community like BZPower, it's the choice of hundreds to thousands of different people. Sometimes you can do your best to be friendly even while disagreeing, but the other person just doesn't chip in. As as staff member especially, I know that this happens.
However.
Vast majority of the time, in my experience, the other person is being antagonistic mainly with a "you first" attitude. Meaning, they want you to demonstrate to them first that you are friendly, and then they know it's okay to be friendly with them. Until you do so, they assume you to be a possible enemy.
Most flame wars start because all sides have a "you first" attitude, and since none of them, thusly, go first, they just escalate antagonism until it gets out of control. Here, we deal with that with punishment where needed. On some less quality forums out there, the sides get entrenched and often bring down the forum. In real life, it can lead to violence, or in less extreme, everyday situations, yelling matches, pointless damage to property, even breaking up relationships. Equals bad.
As Dokuma put it in his excellent topic, "Voicing Opinions and Responding Intelligently":
So all I want to say is that when someone expresses their opinion intelligently, you give an intelligent response. Is that reasonable?
How To Disagree Intelligently:
I think the best way to do this is to have a "possibilities attitude."
By that I mean a positive attitude, and being thoughtful and fair rather than antagonistic. Always consider other possibilties besides just what you happen to already think, or what others happen to be telling you. This way it's much easier to see the other person as a friend, because you're not staking anything on selfish pride.
When it comes to thought, I often talk about the 3 Pillars of Truth:
1) An open mind. If you don't have this, there's really no point in talking, because discussion requires it.
2) Logic. Emotion has its place too, but this can help you avoid being judgemental for wrong reasons, and other problems.
3) All-inclusive research. This requires actual work and most of us don't have time for it. Probably the hardest part; if you don't have time for it, it's usually best to keep your opinions limited to what you personally like or dislike, not what you think LEGO should do.
There's a fourth part to this that's maybe even more important:
4) A positive attitude.
Many people think there's a "glass half full/empty" situation, where you're either an "optimist" or a "pessimist." This is misguided.
Optimism is healthier (it's been shown they live longer), but it implies a naive foolishness that actually thinks everything will be peachy -- and true optimists tend to end up getting disappointed and become the infamous "disillusioned", basically going to the opposite extreme and being pessimists.
Pessimism is even worse, because even when a situation is almost totally positive, they obsess over the inevitable downside and let it rule them, making them miserable. Also as I say often, cynicism is really just the ultimate form of naivete -- just feed a cynic bad news and he'll sell his soul to you -- this is a common method of controlling others by manipulative types.
But a "realist", which is what I describe myself as, is someone who brings a healthy, positive attitude to any situation, realizing that this world is just, plain and simple, messed up, and getting over it. Realists, unlike pessimists, know how to maintain emotional stability even in the face of bad news. Realists, unlike pessimists, do not ignore the good side of things; they embrace it. Realists also do not pretend that bad things will never happen; they expect them, but they don't think things will always be bad either.
Poison or Medicine?
This isn't just pie-in-the-sky philosophy. Your emotions are chemicals.
When you let negative emotions rule you, you flood your body with harmful chemicals. Basically, you poison yourself with your own venom. And don't think a "I can take it" attitude is enough -- I've met people who think that they are emotionally unreachable because they don't let others' insults affect them, yet when non-people things don't go their way, they rant and rave about it, obviously letting it get to them.
This applies to any unhealthy negative emotions, which is always a choice you make, though learning how to choose otherwise is difficult. Even if you think "they don't rule me", you can still make mistakes that a positive attitude helps you avoid.
On the flip side, when you choose positive emotions, you flood your body with helpful chemicals, and this can contribute to physical health, and longer life, besides giving you clearer thinking.
Essentially, emotions are a kind of drug. You can choose the addictive but harmful kind, or you can choose safe, beneficial medicinal ones.
It Starts With You
Nor is this just about your own health. When you express positive emotions towards others, it can be contagious, and help keep communities stable.
Remember that, as the Dog Whisperer says, you are a source of power. A lot of people don't know that they choose their own emotions -- usually subconsciously, but the conscious can take this over, and even train the subconscious. A lot of people also don't realize that the emotions they choose for themselves affect the world around them.
Dogs for example pick up your own insecurities, and they amplify them. I have learned from newer pets that cats have the same ability, though in a different way. Well, us humans are actually the same way, though admittedly with people it is faaaaar more complex, unpredictable, and of course each person is their own source of power much more so than animals.
Since everybody else is thinking, "you go first", do it! By choosing to think "I'll be positive first", you avoid pointless antagonism, and even steer antagonism back towards peace sometimes. As far as it depends on you, you can be friends even with those who don't happen to have your opinions -- which is probably everybody anyways.
In this way, each and every member who posts is wielding power either to tear down, or build up this community.
The Folly of the Haters
Now, there's a side to all of this that I doubt most of you need to hear. But it's the obvious opposing view to this, so it needs addressed. That is, some people actually believe they can hate others, harm them, flame them, etc. without harming themselves at all.
This is very rampant in other places on the internet, as you probably know, probably because people think the only bad things that could happen to them come from other people, and anonymity is a shield. Not true -- the poisonous chemicals of hate come from inside everybody and cannot be avoided if you hate. Hate can be addictive, but so can a number of illegal substances that harm the user.
Yes, there can be a thrill rush from hate, but being kind to all is actually far, far more thrilling.
Explaining this to people who've chosen this path is difficult, because the hate-addicted usually just use an "Instant Rejection Fallacy" and go all "peace is for wimps" on you. They also often display an "Inverse Accusation Syndrome" where they assume anyone intelligent that claims to want peace must be lying and actually secretely hates -- projecting their own fallacy on others, basically. Addictions have a way of making the addicted glom onto whatever fallacy they can, to decieve themselves so they aren't totally depressed by the consequences of their choice.
But I've lived both sides of this. I've fallen prey to hate before. I'm a smart guy -- and that can be dangerous -- I've used that intelligence to harm others. But I'm also smart enough to analyze myself, and I now know for sure that this is an incredibly inferior approach.
Many of the reasons I know this we can't discuss here, but I am confident enough in them after years of searching (with the "3 pillars" method) that I know the peace-seeking way is best -- it's actually IMO intertwined in the physics of reality itself. But we don't really need to discuss all that to see why the kind way is best -- "haters" get an emotional benefit only some of the time, while peace-seekers get it all the time.
Another Tip
A big mistake people use is assuming that anyone who disagrees with them is stupid (or stupider ). Bad idea.
First of all, if anyone really was lacking in relevant intelligence due to genetic reasons, it would be out of their control. So to insult them for it would make no sense, and would be a form of discrimination.
If, on the other hand, they are choosing not to use their brains, for almost any reason, "stupid" is an innaccurate label anyways. A lot of times they just have never been told how to use it for a situation -- for example, I would hope that after reading this, many of you would learn something new about how you can use your brain. That doesn't mean you were stupid before -- more like ignorant, which IMO is nothing to be ashamed of.
More to the point, I believe that the vast majority of humans, even most of the so-called "mentally handicapped" are actually basically the same intellgence level, it's just that we allocate our intelligence in different areas.
For example, IQ tests (one of which has called me a "regional mastermind") are fallible, because they are biased towards those who allocate their intelligence towards a more mathematic, analytical approach, like me. Yet I know that I sorely lack in abilities that I see commonplace around me. Others are often quicker to perform the right action in time-limited situations than me, where I have to step back and analyze before I can figure out what I'm supposed to do. As a consequence, I am much slower than most people. In many situations in real life and even some online when I don't have much time, I am the one who appears stupid.
As another example, the "handicapped" often are far better than "normal" people at having a positive attitude, and so in a lot of situations they actually get far better results than the rest of us. Many just seem to understand this as if it was 2 + 2, where we are really slow at picking up on it. (That's not to say that brain damage doesn't decrease intelligence sometimes; brains are computers and some computers can be more powerful than others and this is okay.)
Allocation. Remember that word.
Most of the time, it's best to assume that the other person is probably just as smart as you. It's a very useful approach, and most of the time IMO it's true.
Now, it's fair to point out that some choose not to use their brains right, on purpose, for selfish purposes. Sure, but even with this, I wouldn't go insulting their intelligence. Chances are they're plenty smart, and besides, we don't allow insulting others regardless so don't do it or else.
I'll concede that with some people (not on here for the most part) who stubbornly choose pride over their brains, I do accurately label that "stupidity." But in the spirit of promoting a positive environment for discussion, it's best not to post that kind of opinion, because others who don't understand what this blog entry talks about might misunderstand and think it's okay to insult anyone anytime. (Don't ask me if I think that of you.
)In other words, if you call someone stupid, a lot of times you're basically labeling yourself.
Conclusion
Friends can Disagree.
But also, Disagree-ers should be friends.
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