What's Up With That Girl?
What's up with her?
Why does she make up stories like that? Why does she make up things like "... your suffering will come to an end soon..." or "...without knowing I bought my own doom as well"? How can she be happy most of the day and get depressive in the evenings?
How, in Mata nui's name can a person be terribly torn-down but still keeping hope?
Look at that girl.
Does she think she's cool with her black clothes and the long hair? Does she really believe she'll ever be able to integrate into a group if she's behaving like that? Does she think it makes us pity her if she tells us that she'd been laughed at by classmates for ages?
What makes her able to cry because of every little thing? Is she so torn apart inside?
What makes the teachers like her? Why does she always get the good marks? Without working a lot?
She's not better than us. Not at all. Will never be.
Why do they look at me like that? What do they think about me?
how do they interprete what I do?
How do they judge me? Can I trust them?
How can I be sure that they don't say unfair things about me when I'm not there? How can I defend myself if they hit me with verbal darts?
Is there a way to hide the scars of a life as an out-cast? Is beign cheerful a way? Or being extremely rude?
Will they ever accept me the way I am? Will they take a look at my work, and appreciate it?
Is there anyone who likes me the way I am?
When will I see that I am accepted? When?
Is there someone willing to wipe away my silent tears? Or a way to avoid the pain?
Would I have to become one of them? What would it mean for me? Simply changing my style of clothing? Hiding my true feelings behind a mask of make-up and lies? Saying what everyone says? Thinking what everyone thinks? Acting like everyone acts?
Just throwing myself away like trash? Should I do everything to please them?
Sometimes I'd love to. Simply give myself up and re-create a mainstream person. Average in every way. Only to experience a feeling I've never had.
*sigh*
that might all sound strange. so what was this text for?
I'll tell you: I simply wrote down what I think.
And it's good the way it is.
that feeling of hollowness and lonelyness I tried to explain in the sentences above is the main reason why I am where I am now.
See, people used to make fun of me all the time. On the one hand, I couldn't understand that, and wanted to become one of them, just to get away from the pain. On the other hand, making them like me would mean giving up myself. All I've been, well, living for.
So I started to make up stories. Get creative. I put all of my anger, sadness and grief into my art.
And I made up my fictional character, Taka Nuvia. There are some similar things in both of our biographies.
So. I'll stop now, and ask: did anyone of you believe I'd think like that?
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