blogs_blog_1023

» Click to show Spoiler - click again to hide... «

Famed writer Evan Jameston tapped away on his old-fashioned typewriter. He came to the end of the page, but before removing the milky parchment, he looked out the window next to his oak/cherry/you get the idea desk. The clouds had been swelling up, and if it weren’t for his clock he would have never guessed it was nearly four in the afternoon. Without his two lamps, the room would have been in almost complete darkness.

 

.....Moments later, droplets began to tap upon the glass plane of the window as if they desired entrance into the smoky [or some other adjective]room. The pairs of droplets soon multiplied into scores. The noise resounded through the room as the beads simultaneously hit the glass. The loud clap of thunder was followed by a yellow dagger piercing the sky.

 

.....Turning his attention back to the typewriter, he took out the piece of paper and hastily read it over before crumpling it up into a ball and lobbing it into the waste basket on the side of his desk, already half-full from the other various pages he had thrown away today, making little to no progress since the night before.

 

.....He sighed to himself, taking the pencil from its resting place on his ear and tossing it onto the desk before him, watching it bounce back and forth across the dusty surface before landing horizontally and rolling a short distance. He stood up from his chair, making his way to the stereo system at the far end of the room to turn on the radio to his favorite music station [classical, of course], and sat down in his preferred chair near the fireplace, which spread its warmth throughout the otherwise frosty November (Trying to find a month where it would be cold and thunderstormy isn't too easy) air.

 

.....The writer picked up a newspaper on the table adjacent to his chair and began to read, calming himself and letting the thoughts in his mind about the progress he had made today [or lack thereof] be driven off.

 

~

 

.....After about fifteen minutes of reading and relaxing, Evan came to feel he was ready to begin writing again. The chair rocked back and forth as he stood up, making his way to his desk again. The soft squeak of his chair was accompanied by the click of his typewriter being reloaded. Nearly an hour later Mr. Jameston found he had written seven full sheets of paper, a commendable feat given his previous failures.

 

.....Feeling the pangs of hunger gnawing at him, he abandoned the papers on his desk and proceeded to the kitchen, where he prepared a sandwich with a grilled chicken breast, bacon, cheddar cheese, and lettuce [i dislike this list greatly] on French bread; consuming it before it could touch the plate he had set out for it. Draining the glass of milk he had poured with his dinner, Mr. Jameston walked back to his desk where he tidied up the stack of pages and stapled them. Counting twenty-seven pages, he was extremely pleased with the short story that had remained unfinished for nearly a week-and-a-half.

 

....."Time to edit," he said to himself; the short celebration over.

 

.....Leaning back, he turned the lamp on his desk to illuminate the papers sufficiently, and, pencil in hand, he began to read while crossing words out and making various marks.

 

~

 

.....Finishing the thirteenth page, he looked once again at his clock to see that it was approaching midnight rapidly.

 

.....Good, he thought, I’ll be able to finish it tonight. He knew that he would be up past one or two, but didn’t let that bother him; he had been up later in the night before, after all.

 

.....As the hours went flew past, Mr. Jameston could feel the weariness overcoming him. His mind started to doze off, and after a few minutes he fell asleep completely; never once to have a dream.

 

~

 

.....About two blocks away, a man ran silently away from Evan Jameston's small apartment; his long trench-coat billowed behind in his wake as he sprinted away from the fresh murder site.

 

I dunno. I'm not the best English student, but I tried to give you some ideas. Most of your sentences start out the same, with the guy as the subject constantly. Personification is a great tool, and can really paint a scene well. ¯\(º_O)/¯

 

Also, you are using a lot of descriptions, but they aren't as specific as the could. There are plenty of more specific, and often shorter, ways of saying what you want to. Try using a thesaurus more?

Laka

» Click to show Spoiler - click again to hide... «

Famed writer Evan Jameston tapped away on his old-fashioned typewriter. He came to the end of the page, but before removing the milky parchment, he looked out the window next to his oak/cherry/you get the idea desk. The clouds had been swelling up, and if it weren’t for his clock he would have never guessed it was nearly four in the afternoon. Without his two lamps, the room would have been in almost complete darkness.

 

.....Moments later, droplets began to tap upon the glass plane of the window as if they desired entrance into the smoky [or some other adjective]room. The pairs of droplets soon multiplied into scores. The noise resounded through the room as the beads simultaneously hit the glass. The loud clap of thunder was followed by a yellow dagger piercing the sky.

 

Agreed on all the above. And you reminded me [by using the word "smoky"]: I forgot to add him smoking a pipe! Of course Evan Jameston must smoke a pipe while typing.

 

.....Turning his attention back to the typewriter, he took out the piece of paper and hastily read it over before crumpling it up into a ball and lobbing it into the waste basket on the side of his desk, already half-full from the other various pages he had thrown away today, making little to no progress since the night before.

 

.....He sighed to himself, taking the pencil from its resting place on his ear and tossing it onto the desk before him, watching it bounce back and forth across the dusty surface before landing horizontally and rolling a short distance. He stood up from his chair, making his way to the stereo system at the far end of the room to turn on the radio to his favorite music station [classical, of course], and sat down in his preferred chair near the fireplace, which spread its warmth throughout the otherwise frosty November (Trying to find a month where it would be cold and thunderstormy isn't too easy) air.

 

Agreed on all the above except the very last edit; I was trying to give the impression of it being frosty, but just raining and cold. AKA, a Southern California winter. =P I wrote that part a week or so ago when it was raining at my house [soCal] and I had the fire on, so that's the setting I was going for.

 

.....After about fifteen minutes of reading and relaxing, Evan came to feel he was ready to begin writing again. The chair rocked back and forth as he stood up, making his way to his desk again. The soft squeak of his chair was accompanied by the click of his typewriter being reloaded. Nearly an hour later Mr. Jameston found he had written seven full sheets of paper, a commendable feat given his previous failures.

 

.....Feeling the pangs of hunger gnawing at him, he abandoned the papers on his desk and proceeded to the kitchen, where he prepared a sandwich with a grilled chicken breast, bacon, cheddar cheese, and lettuce [i dislike this list greatly] on French bread; consuming it before it could touch the plate he had set out for it. Draining the glass of milk he had poured with his dinner, Mr. Jameston walked back to his desk where he tidied up the stack of pages and stapled them. Counting twenty-seven pages, he was extremely pleased with the short story that had remained unfinished for nearly a week-and-a-half.

 

Agreed except the last edit of each paragraph -- First, I think it would be better to say "his previous failure the night before" as he doesn't always fail, being an actual author with best-selling books and all, but the night before he had suffered writer's block. Second, I used "in-the-works" because that's exactly what I meant -- he had started it nearly a week and a half previously, and it had been in the works since then. Saying "had remained unfinished" makes it sound different to me. :/

 

....."Time to edit," he said to himself; the short celebration over.

 

.....Leaning back, he turned the lamp on his desk to illuminate the papers sufficiently, and, pencil in hand, he began to read while crossing words out and making various marks.

 

Agreed, I s'pose, though I'll probably change "said" to "muttered."

 

.....Finishing the thirteenth page, he looked once again at his clock to see that it was approaching midnight rapidly.

 

.....Good, he thought, I’ll be able to finish it tonight. He knew that he would be up past one or two, but didn’t let that bother him; he had been up later in the night before, after all.

 

.....As the hours went flew past, Mr. Jameston could feel the weariness overcoming him. His mind started to doze off, and after a few minutes he fell asleep completely; never once to have a dream.

 

Agreed.

 

.....About two blocks away, a man ran silently away from Evan Jameston's small apartment; his long trench-coat billowed behind in his wake as he sprinted away from the fresh murder site.

 

Hm. Now that I think about it I s'pose I do like that version better.

 

My comments to your edits above^.

 

I dunno. I'm not the best English student, but I tried to give you some ideas. Most of your sentences start out the same, with the guy as the subject constantly. Personification is a great tool, and can really paint a scene well. ¯\(º_O)/¯

 

Also, you are using a lot of descriptions, but they aren't as specific as the could. There are plenty of more specific, and often shorter, ways of saying what you want to. Try using a thesaurus more?

 

Laka

 

Laka you are awesome. Thanks a bunch for pointing those out to me [especially using the word "smoky" -- dunno how I forgot to add the pipe in there =P].

 

And, yeah, one of my biggest problems is saying "he___ then he ___ his ___" et cetera. Hopefully I'll fix that some time. I'll keep in mind the thesaurus-thing, too.

 

Thanks a lot again. ^^

 

» Click to show Spoiler - click again to hide... «

.....Evan Jameston, famed and acclaimed "and acclaimed" = unnecessary writer, puffed away pensively at a pipe as his fingers clattered away on an old typewriter. He came to the end of the page, but before removing the milky milky? no parchment, he looked out the window next to his maple desk. The clouds had been swelling up not swelling up. growing, maybe?, and if it weren’t for his clock he would have never never have guessed it was nearly four in the afternoon. Without his two lamps, the room would have been in almost complete darkness the room would have been almost completely dark.

 

.....Moments later, droplets began to tap upon the glass plane of the window as if they desired entrance into the smoky room from "as" up to "room" is unnecessary and sounds strange. The pairs of when were they ever pairs? remove "pairs of" droplets soon multiplied into scores. The noise describe the noise resounded reverberated sounds better through the room as the beads simultaneously hit the glass as the rain hit the glass. enough with not being straightforward with it. The loud clap of thunder was followed by a yellow dagger piercing the sky the loud clap of thunder succeeded a yellow rift in the sky. (thunder comes after lightning, not before).

 

.....Turning his attention back to the typewriter redrawing his attention to the typewriter, he took out the piece of paper he removed the ink-clad paper and hastily read it over reviewed it before crumpling it up into a ball and lobbing it into the waste basket on the side of his desk before balling it up and throwing it into the trash can beside his desk. (using typical words like "throw" are completely fine--no need to find a synonymous term), already half-full from the remove "the" other various pages he had thrown away today that day. ("today" changes the tense), making little-to-no progress since the night before.

 

This is all I could get done, since it's so late. I'll do the rest tomorrow.

 

-SK

» Click to show Spoiler - click again to hide... «

.....Evan Jameston, famed and acclaimed "and acclaimed" = unnecessary writer, puffed away pensively at a pipe as his fingers clattered away on an old typewriter.

 

Gotta disagree here -- simply saying "famed" seems too short, and just sounds slightly weird, IMO.

 

He came to the end of the page, but before removing the milky milky? no parchment, he looked out the window next to his maple desk.

 

I don't see what's wrong with it -- it's paper. It's white. Milky. Albino. Pure. Unblemished. I don't see what's wrong with describing it as 'milky' as that is a better adjective than 'white.' Sure, ivory would work, too, but I don't really think that matters.

 

The clouds had been swelling up not swelling up. growing, maybe?, and if it weren’t for his clock he would have never never have guessed it was nearly four in the afternoon. Without his two lamps, the room would have been in almost complete darkness the room would have been almost completely dark.

 

Growing doesn't sound the same, and not really the best adjective for clouds, IMO. For the second edit, personally I think it could go either way. For the third, I personally like the way I had it better.

 

.....Moments later, droplets began to tap upon the glass plane of the window as if they desired entrance into the smoky room from "as" up to "room" is unnecessary and sounds strange.

 

I don't see how it sounds strange, and personally I like it.

 

The pairs of when were they ever pairs? remove "pairs of" droplets soon multiplied into scores.

 

I dunno, it just sounded cool. But I suppose you're right.

 

The noise describe the noise resounded reverberated sounds better through the room as the beads simultaneously hit the glass as the rain hit the glass. enough with not being straightforward with it.

 

Agreed on the first. For the second I think it could go either way. For the third, not sure. I kinda like the original way better; just gives more of a mystery feeling to it.

 

The loud clap of thunder was followed by a yellow dagger piercing the sky the loud clap of thunder succeeded a yellow rift in the sky. (thunder comes after lightning, not before).

 

I'll change the order, but personally I like "yellow dagger piercing the sky" better than "yellow rift int he sky." Makes it sound more... dark.

 

.....Turning his attention back to the typewriter redrawing his attention to the typewriter,

 

Again, I think it could go either way, but I do kinda like your way; I may change it.

 

he took out the piece of paper he removed the ink-clad paper and hastily read it over reviewed it before

 

Agreed on both accounts, though the second could really go either way -- I had said "read it over" because when I think of "review" I think of writing a review for something, but now that you've pointed it out I think it fits.

 

crumpling it up into a ball and lobbing it into the waste basket on the side of his desk before balling it up and throwing it into the trash can beside his desk. (using typical words like "throw" are completely fine--no need to find a synonymous term),

 

I must disagree. "Balling it up" sounds so modern-day slang-y, and just sounds bad here, IMO [though, personally, even in a modern story I would never say "balling it up" =P]. Waste basket would be the same; I just think it sounds better. As for throw, I'd say lob is better because they are different actions, however slightly they may differ.

 

already half-full from the remove "the" other various pages he had thrown away today that day. ("today" changes the tense), making little-to-no progress since the night before.

 

Agreed on both -- thanks for pointing out the "that day" thing; I always seem to mess on on something like that.

 

This is all I could get done, since it's so late. I'll do the rest tomorrow.

 

-SK

 

Thanks a bunch for the review; even though I didn't completely agree with everything [though, really, I think it's just a matter of preference for most of said things], I greatly appreciate the review. It's nice to see what other people think.

 

Confusing [is he dead? oho suspense! ] but good.

 

I like and want more. Oh, and I couldn't find any issues/fixes I'd suggest, so...just keep it up!

 

-Z-

Confusing [is he dead? oho suspense! ] but good.

 

I like and want more. Oh, and I couldn't find any issues/fixes I'd suggest, so...just keep it up!

 

-Z-

 

What part exactly was confusing? The end? Well, I wouldn't say it was supposed to be confusing, but definitely mysterious. The two hints I gave were the fact that he didn't dream [after all, death is sometimes referred to as "the eternal sleep" but obviously you don't dream] and that the man was running from the fresh murder site, so there was a murder in the writer's apartment, at least.

 

But thanks for the comment; I'm glad you liked it. Not sure when I'll write more -- I wanna finish a BIONICLE-related story I'm working on first which should be done soon -- but I keep getting more and more ideas that I write down so I hope to write a good amount of the story over spring break [if not all of it, but who knows].

 

GOD TRENCHCOATS

 

WHY