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Starting A New Story, Need Opinionzorz


Lluvio

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The As-Of-Yet Unnamed Adventures of Sam Mordekin, Part One

 

Sirens.

 

They aren’t known for being particularly pleasant things to listen to.

 

At the current moment, one siren was going off in a small, locally owned downtown bank. Nobody was happy, as one could assume for obvious reasons, and then for reasons that extended beyond the siren’s nature.

 

Simply put, every single human being in that bank, save one, was at risk of dying. A rather sad death, at that. You see, there was a man with a gun in one hand, a sack in his other, and a very nervous teller at the other end of his gun. As most people know it by, there was a bank robbery going on here, and it was absolutely terrifying.

 

The robber, a certain Mr Hamilton, was a simple man. He led a simple life, had a simple home in the simple rural area of his simple town. That is, he had those things. That is, he could have been considered very happy and lucky. That is, until the horrible incidents of August of last year. He lost it all, and things stopped being simple, especially him. He grew confused, and a confused man, as we all know, is a very dangerous man.

 

But this is not his story.

 

 

Rather, this is the story of a man lying face down in that bank; a man who did not lead a simple life, nor had he ever; a man whose life would soon change for a rather long time.

 

This man is Samuel Mordekin, and he is a superhero.

 

 

It was all over the papers the next day. Sam’s personal favorite headline was:

 

 

BANK ROBBER FROZEN IN HIS TRACKS

NOT BY THE POLICE

BUT BY MAGICALLY ANGRY CITIZEN

THE NEWSPAPER STAFF WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE

FOR THE HORRIBLE PUN AND THE LENGTH OF THAT HEADLINE

 

 

Mostly he liked it because the title alone cut off half of the annoying Liberal nutjob editorial column below it. He also rather enjoyed being called “magically angry.”

 

But the important part of the story was that he did, in fact, freeze that man. The robber was encased in solid ice when the police arrived. And Sam wouldn’t have ever known it was him who did it had there not been icicles hanging from his nose and chin afterwards.

 

As far as he could remember, he didn’t have superpowers. And that was saying something, considering his memory abilities. He could remember his own childhood with incredible clarity, even to his infancy… Except for the fourth grade. He could never recall those 182 days, but that didn’t bother him. His mother told him that he’d gotten retrograde amnesia when he fell out of a tree.

 

And so that left Mr Mordekin, a 24-year-old man living on his own in an apartment, as a cryokinetic.

 

The first thing he changed in his apartment was his kitchen. No longer needing a fridge or freezer, he found himself with an empty corner. It was quickly filled in with an ice sculpture of him. After sliding back into his living room on a thin sheet of ice he had created, and sitting down on his new, ice-blue sofa, he let out a rather visible sigh. He was now a superpowered celebrity.

 

He was living the dream.

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Hmm. This certainly sounds interesting so far, and I like your style of writing.

 

There is one thing I should point out, though:

 

BANK ROBBER FROZEN IN HIS TRACKS

NOT BY THE POLICE

BUT BY MAGICALLY ANGRY CITIZEN

THE NEWSPAPER STAFF WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE

FOR THE HORRIBLE PUN AND THE LENGTH OF THAT HEADLINE

 

I assume that this story is meant to be serious, and, if so, that newspaper headline doesn't fit at all -- I've never seen a newspaper say something like that. It just sounds too unnatural. Too . . . funny, I guess you could say, but not the type of humor one wants in a serious story, but rather, the type of humor that is found in the Comedies forum here. It just doesn't seem to fit the rest of the story at all.

 

Unless of course you meant for this to not be serious, then ignore what I said above. However, I definitely think you could go somewhere with this, so I'd definitely encourage to keep working on it. It was an entertaining short read and leaves me wanting more.

 

newso1.png

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Upon reading the first line, 'Sirens.', I immediately because excited, as it sounded like a fantastic, mythological adventure in ancient Greco-Roman times.

 

Now I am jaded for reading. o_o

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He totally got his superpowers in fourth grade.

 

Also, how does he create the ice? Does he just wave his hand, or, like, mentally cause ice to form nearby, or what?

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Hmm. This certainly sounds interesting so far, and I like your style of writing.

 

There is one thing I should point out, though:

 

BANK ROBBER FROZEN IN HIS TRACKS

NOT BY THE POLICE

BUT BY MAGICALLY ANGRY CITIZEN

THE NEWSPAPER STAFF WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE

FOR THE HORRIBLE PUN AND THE LENGTH OF THAT HEADLINE

 

I assume that this story is meant to be serious, and, if so, that newspaper headline doesn't fit at all -- I've never seen a newspaper say something like that. It just sounds too unnatural. Too . . . funny, I guess you could say, but not the type of humor one wants in a serious story, but rather, the type of humor that is found in the Comedies forum here. It just doesn't seem to fit the rest of the story at all.

 

Unless of course you meant for this to not be serious, then ignore what I said above. However, I definitely think you could go somewhere with this, so I'd definitely encourage to keep working on it. It was an entertaining short read and leaves me wanting more.

 

newso1.png

It's not quite meant to be serious all the time, but only when it needs to be. If you've read Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, which is the series from which I draw most of my inspiration, you'll know what I mean. :P

 

Upon reading the first line, 'Sirens.', I immediately because excited, as it sounded like a fantastic, mythological adventure in ancient Greco-Roman times.

 

Now I am jaded for reading. o_o

I am sorry for exciting your love for mythology! You actually gave me a pretty good idea though. Tanks, man. Tanks.

 

He totally got his superpowers in fourth grade.

 

Also, how does he create the ice? Does he just wave his hand, or, like, mentally cause ice to form nearby, or what?

First off, AUGH YOUR CODING. Second, shushhhhh. Third, as far as I've plotted it out, it works like a slightly more mental form of water/icebending, where he pretty much just wills it into existence and then manipulates it as he wants. Think Magneto in X-Men.

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I inferred that he breathed it out. From the icicles on his face.

 

I love your writing style. It excites me that you've started something new~

 

I dig it. It's...pretty cool. B)

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It's not quite meant to be serious all the time, but only when it needs to be. If you've read Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, which is the series from which I draw most of my inspiration, you'll know what I mean. :P

 

In that case, I think this is one of the cases that it needs to be serious. Maybe it's just me, but it seems odd to have a newspaper article/heading be non-serious when everything else is. *shrugs*

 

newso1.png

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It's not quite meant to be serious all the time, but only when it needs to be. If you've read Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, which is the series from which I draw most of my inspiration, you'll know what I mean. :P

 

In that case, I think this is one of the cases that it needs to be serious. Maybe it's just me, but it seems odd to have a newspaper article/heading be non-serious when everything else is. *shrugs*

 

newso1.png

Maybe, maybe. I don't really see what's wrong with it, but maybe you just need to try reading the whole thing with a slightly cartoony image in your head. :P

 

I inferred that he breathed it out. From the icicles on his face.

 

I love your writing style. It excites me that you've started something new~

 

I dig it. It's...pretty cool. B)

Breathing it out is an interesting idea you gots there

 

Also thanks broski. B)

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