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Part Two Of The Story


Lluvio

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Part Two: In Which We Introduce A New Character

 

Shouting people.

They are nicer than sirens, but not by much.

At this particular moment, there were quite a few screaming people, a number rapidly dwindling as these people fled through the large, explosion-shaped hole in the wall to the mountainous landscape outside of it.

The reasons for these actions are simple. You see, when given the choice, people will often choose to do something that will not put them at risk of dying, or that will remove said risk. I’m fairly certain it’s human nature, or something.

With the fleeing people ran Mr Corlan, the Leader of the Official Reserves Establishment, or the LORE. Among the many sentient populations in this universe, there exist some people who will protect their businesses with passion, love, and sacrifice. Mr Corlan was simply not one of these people. His decision to flee from the building took almost no time whatsoever, and many people followed suit after him.

There was another reason to flee from the Reserves, though, that has been so far overlooked. This reason was wearing dark robes and a shadowed, draping hood, and also happened to be hovering and glowing with an ominous purple smoke.

Yeah, there was an evil warlock in the room. Yeah, he was robbing the Reserves.

Yeah, he was terrifying.

The echoes of the shouting had died down, and the warlock looked around the room. It was a rather calm room, with a white marble interior and a rugged-looking pillar in each of the five corners of the pentagonal room. The lighting could have once been considered ambient, but, unfortunately, this lighting scheme was ruined by the large hole in one of the walls, which let in a flood of sunlight.

The warlock, being the pretty conceited warlock he was, assumed he had scared everyone else out of the room, and that this was going to be a quick job of steal and leave.

But maybe he shouldn’t have been so self-assured. It’s a standard psychological problem, really. You see, when he was still a young little spellcaster, learning his spellcastery ways, his mother would always tell him that he was the most special wizard. Every day she continued to say these things to him, and his ego inflated with his age, so when he found out he was just average, he blew up. You know, typical spoiled bully story.

At any rate, he believed he was alone, so understandable he was surprised when he turned and saw another person standing next to the gap in the wall behind him.

The warlock let out a frustrated sigh.

Hey, an evil sorcerer’s gotta do what an evil sorcerer’s gotta do, he thought. He held up his hand, and from it came a burst of black energy, heading straight toward to previously unseen man.

And it bounced off of him.

What, thought the warlock. Seriously, what.

The man walked closer to the warlock, his newly revealed white magic bubble shield flickering into the visible spectrum with each step he took. The shield matched his rather flowy white robe, which did a good job of concealing his body, and only an okay job of hiding his hands and face. As he approached the warlock, he stepped into the curtain of light. The warlock admitted to himself that he was glad the man wasn’t sparkling, and then started to make a few observations on the guy.

He’s just a kid! And he can’t be any older than twenty-one! I’ll take him out without even breaking a sweat, thought the warlock.

And yet before he could say ‘tenacious like bull,’ the Reserves building around him vanished, along with the five pillars and the teller’s desk in front of him. The wall with the hole was sucked away, too. He might as well have been in space, or a vacuum, judging by the new vastness beneath him. Still in front of him, though, was the robed kid, and the kid was still continuing to walk toward him.

It was a slow walk. In fact, it seemed a bit like a combination of flying and ice skating, two things the kid could not do. In addition to that, time and space flowed differently in this dimension.

To be brutally honest, I have to say that that’s not entirely true. Rather, time didn’t flow at all in this dimension. Instead, picture this: a roulette wheel, with a bunch of moments around its edge instead of gaps for a ball to fall into. Now, spin it and make it accelerate the rate at which it stops and starts. Each moment that was selected was then played, in selected order, to the people in this dimension for as long as they remained in there.

It gets pretty sciencey from there, so I won’t bore you with the details, and I’ll also say what happened in a linear manner. You know, for convenience.

Anyway, by a weird coincidence, the warlock was entirely used to this sort of thing, but not quite the acceleration. He lost his concentration as time flew around him. The kid took advantage of this moment and lifted up his hands, which then began to glow as space around each of them split in half many times yet not at all. One half of this split dimension enveloped the kid and shrank into nothingness inside of nothingness, taking the kid away with itself.

The other half wrapped itself around the warlock.

“Oh gradmammit. Did he really… I think he did. I can’t believe it. Blast…” babbled the warlock as he realized what was happening. His powers had been sealed away, along with any possibility of motion. It was all he could do to project his mental voice around himself, which echoed around loudly for a few seconds. His future seemed bleak for now, seeing as the pocket dimension he was in expanded its nothingness infinitely in every direction.

And so he decided to wait, partially out of patience, partially out of submission.

 

Back in the real world, the Reserves building was finally, truly empty, save for the pulsating portal hanging in reality next to the hole in the wall. People peeked inside the bank, and proceeded to examine from the inside when they determined that it was safe. One teenager was looking into the portal, which was hanging in the air.

Imagine his surprise when a man in a white robe came hurtling out of the portal and straight into him as the portal closed with a loud puhshwoopah.

“Hey, Mark!” was all the teenager could yell when he saw the guy flying at him.

“Urghragh,” said the guy in the robes a few minutes later. “Thanks for catching me, man.” He got up and tried to look for the teenage guy, but couldn’t find him. It was about then that he realized that his hands were glowing and there was a brand new toaster on the floor.

Oh well, he thought. It happens.

At this point, the young man’s parents burst into the room. Admittedly, most people don’t appreciate their parents intervening on their business, and wizards are no exception. He sighed – a very popular activity in this story – and waited for them to finish yelling at him, as he knew they would.

What he got was a massive, sympathy-laden hug. Full of love, too.

“Where have you been? We were worried sick about you! Where did that evil-looking man go? Did he hurt you? DID YOU BREAK THAT WALL?! Why di—“

“Take it easy, Mom. To answer your questions, here and nowhere, oh, um, no, and no. Relax, we’re all safe now.”

Her shoulders relaxed slightly and she let out a deep breath. “Buh, if you say so… Well, at any rate, it’s time to go home. We’ve got to get you out of here before the News Squad arrives.”

 

“Okay, son. I think it’s time for us to have… The talk…” started his dad.

“Oh no. Ohhhhh no. Not now, Dad. Please. Please don’t do this, you don’t have to do this.”

“Relax, ha ha! It’s not what you think. Now, son, you’ve been experiencing some… Weird things lately, haven’t you? Some… Magical things? Maybe for the last few years, now?”

“Dad, I’m nearly twenty-two. I’ve been aware of all this magic stuff for much longer than just a few years. And besides, magic is a standard part of our society! Everyone uses it, even you and mom. Heck, even Grandpa down the street has a pair of magic trousers!”

“Yes, but you’re—“

“Yeah, I know. I’m ‘different.’ Or something. Yeah, okay, every parent tells their kids that they’re special. I know it doesn’t really mean anything.”

“Like you said, you’re twenty-one, an adult by some foreign standards. Maybe if you were still a young kid, I’d tell you stories and fantasies and things like that, but you’re mature. So please, trust that I mean what I say. You are different. You’re vastly more powerful than any other person in our town, and you grasped a sense of your power at an incredibly early age. You’re a true wizard.”

“No way. They say that every wizard has a complicated birth, that will go down in legends.”

“About that… The first doctor to examine you turned into a lamp. I always knew you were creative. How’s that for going down in legends?

“As you know, every wizard in our society is ordered to go on a journey sometime early in his life. Quite frankly, after what happened today, I don’t think we can hide your wizardhood from the people of the town much longer. You can take the time you need to pack and get ready to go. Just let us know before you do.”

And so he packed his most valuable possessions, including a spare robe, a small shield, and some gunmetal coins. He made his final farewells for now, and went off, down the mountain path.

He reached the creek where he was born, which steadily shone in a bright purple color. He waved his arms once, and the waters cleared around a hole in the middle of the waters. Walking over the creek’s surface, he reached the hole.

He jumped in.

Samuel Mordekin swerved his car to the right.

“Holy frauuuuugh what was that!” he yelled as his car came to a stop on the side of the road. There was a man in a white robe lying on top of his windshield.

“Hi! I’m Mark Francshire! And I’m a wizard!”

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Oh my, the weirdness expands. =O

The reasons for these actions are simple. You see, when given the choice, people will often choose to do something that will not put them at risk of dying, or that will remove said risk. I’m fairly certain it’s human nature, or something.

The narration seems less formal (or something) this time around - "you see," "I'm fairly certain," and later on it says "yeah" a few times. The previous one struck me as more by-the-book, which added to the comedy for me because of the ridiculous situation it was describing.

 

so understandable he was surprised

Just a proofreading thing. =]

 

The warlock admitted to himself that he was glad the man wasn’t sparkling

Twilight reference?

 

Instead, picture this:

This strikes me as less of a writer thing to do and more of what my friend Brian does when he describes to me a world he created for D&D or something. Maybe try to describe what's going on spatially, or by giving details of what the characters are seeing, instead of describing the concepts of the world you've made.

 

the waters cleared around a hole in the middle of the waters.

Sounds weird.

 

 

 

 

 

Anywho, it took me a bit to wrap my head around the total disconnect from the previous part. I'm still not sure what to think of it. I was certainly not expecting wizards to come into this. I just hope he doesn't have a bag full of deus ex machinas. =P

 

I'll still stick around though, the first installment got me hooked well enough to be interested in how this plays out.

 

Is there a purpose to the LORE? Because he seems to disappear pretty quickly and I'm not sure why you would create an acronym for such a minor character. But if not, it might be nice to have just a bit more focus on him so we'll remember him next time he shows up.

 

I sound like all criticism but I did find it enjoyable. =P

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Why hello there, textwall!

 

About understandable and the redundant waters, I already spotted them when I proofread it this morning. =P

 

And the less formal writing, well, I think I vary a lot on my style depending on what class I'm in and what mood I'm in. Maybe I should just keep it a bit more consistent.

 

I had planned to introduce a wizard since the very beginning. You'll see when it's all written out, what happens to them and stuff, but who knows how long that'll take. I don't really have this all planned out yet. =P

 

And yes, that was in fact a Twilight reference!

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Methinks the Twilight reference is slightly out of place, as you have no indicator to imply it's a Twilight reference. Maybe if the wizard fellow was, I don't know, wearing like five popped collars? Or doing something else that might make you wonder if he's Edward a Twilight vampire?

 

You write in class? I barely come up with decent doodles! Curse you~

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Don't have time to do a full review, but just a quick something:

 

I recommend spacing out your paragraphs/lines. It's easier on the lines.

 

So instead of this:

 

Back in the real world, the Reserves building was finally, truly empty, save for the pulsating portal hanging in reality next to the hole in the wall. People peeked inside the bank, and proceeded to examine from the inside when they determined that it was safe. One teenager was looking into the portal, which was hanging in the air.

Imagine his surprise when a man in a white robe came hurtling out of the portal and straight into him as the portal closed with a loud puhshwoopah.

“Hey, Mark!” was all the teenager could yell when he saw the guy flying at him.

“Urghragh,” said the guy in the robes a few minutes later. “Thanks for catching me, man.” He got up and tried to look for the teenage guy, but couldn’t find him. It was about then that he realized that his hands were glowing and there was a brand new toaster on the floor.

Oh well, he thought. It happens.

At this point, the young man’s parents burst into the room. Admittedly, most people don’t appreciate their parents intervening on their business, and wizards are no exception. He sighed – a very popular activity in this story – and waited for them to finish yelling at him, as he knew they would.

What he got was a massive, sympathy-laden hug. Full of love, too.

“Where have you been? We were worried sick about you! Where did that evil-looking man go? Did he hurt you? DID YOU BREAK THAT WALL?! Why di—“

“Take it easy, Mom. To answer your questions, here and nowhere, oh, um, no, and no. Relax, we’re all safe now.”

Her shoulders relaxed slightly and she let out a deep breath. “Buh, if you say so… Well, at any rate, it’s time to go home. We’ve got to get you out of here before the News Squad arrives.”

 

Use this:

 

Back in the real world, the Reserves building was finally, truly empty, save for the pulsating portal hanging in reality next to the hole in the wall. People peeked inside the bank, and proceeded to examine from the inside when they determined that it was safe. One teenager was looking into the portal, which was hanging in the air.

 

Imagine his surprise when a man in a white robe came hurtling out of the portal and straight into him as the portal closed with a loud puhshwoopah.

“Hey, Mark!” was all the teenager could yell when he saw the guy flying at him.

 

“Urghragh,” said the guy in the robes a few minutes later. “Thanks for catching me, man.” He got up and tried to look for the teenage guy, but couldn’t find him. It was about then that he realized that his hands were glowing and there was a brand new toaster on the floor. Oh well, he thought. It happens.

 

At this point, the young man’s parents burst into the room. Admittedly, most people don’t appreciate their parents intervening on their business, and wizards are no exception. He sighed – a very popular activity in this story – and waited for them to finish yelling at him, as he knew they would.

What he got was a massive, sympathy-laden hug. Full of love, too.

 

“Where have you been? We were worried sick about you! Where did that evil-looking man go? Did he hurt you? DID YOU BREAK THAT WALL?! Why di—“

 

“Take it easy, Mom. To answer your questions, here and nowhere, oh, um, no, and no. Relax, we’re all safe now.”

 

Her shoulders relaxed slightly and she let out a deep breath. “Buh, if you say so… Well, at any rate, it’s time to go home. We’ve got to get you out of here before the News Squad arrives.”

 

I'll try to come back and say more later.

 

newso1.png

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On the, err, other places where I've posted this story, I do do that. Just copy/pasting over to BZP doesn't really work out all that well. :P

 

But thanks, I'll keep that in mind!

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