Interview: Evil Lord Survurlode
Posted by bonesiii , Nov 05 2006 · 177 views
Evil Lord Survurlode
Today the Bones Blog brings you an exclusive interview with none other than Evil Lord Survurlode himself! Since the discovery of this wannabe architect of BZP's doom, I have been attempting to contact him for an interview, but the server kept eating my PMs for some mysterious reason... Anyways, he has agreed to give this interview via his evil Poolantir crystal globe, wired into a telephone system. Still trying to figure out how the pics come through the phone, but I guess it's a power of the Poolantir.
bones: Well, how to begin. Welcome, Mr. Evil Dude--I'm sure BZP's members are eager to hear more about you, considering you want to make their lives as miserable as possible. Know thy enemy *cough* I mean, because you're such an interesting person!
Survurlode: Thank you! I am that!
bones: Why don't you begin by introducing yourself... and don't take that the wrong way--your evil clock minion kinda did...
Survurlode: Don't worry--I'm a big enough guy--both because I can handle the idea of some poor souls having not heard of me... and 'cuz I need to lay off the Twinkies a little.... *ahem* Who am I? Well, my little BZP-lings, have you ever wanted to load a page on BZPower, but instead had to wait a very long time? That is me. Have you ever got a board message with some cheesy joke and some bubble wrap on it? That's me. My mission in life is to end your ability to access BZPower. Obliterate it. Ruin your fun, your life, everything! Here's a photo of me, from last week:
bones: You look very familiar.
Survurlode: Indeed I do. As you know, bones, I am in fact the brother to Sauron, the ancient Lord who once nearly conquered Middle Earth, and made a ton of cash in movie sales. I'm a lot more handsome though. He controlled forces associated with fire--I instead control the sea. Floods shall wreak forth upon the Earth, and all ye who buy stock in inflatable rafts shall prosper! Behold; the instrument of thine doom!
bones: We are all glad you're weaker than Sauron...
Survurlode: HAH! Nonsense, dude! In recent years my successes in thwarting BZPers have strengthened me, and I've begun to redefine my goals, branch out as it were. I just had a meeting with the Chif Evil Clock the other day, and it looks like we're closer than ever before to ruling all of Earth! Clocks have enslaved more people in 2006 to our evil schedules than ever before!
bones: Oh goody. Soooo. Does this evil thing just run in the family or what? Why choose this life? You could have gotten a job at Seaworld or something and retired rich.
Survurlode: That's easy. My name is "Evil Lord Survurlode"--I wouldn't be a very good Evil Lord if I was a good guy, would I?
bones: ... Uh, riiight. Next question. You may recall that the BZPower News Team interviewed you several years ago, but the interview was never posted on the front page. Binky said he tried to put it up, but it just wouldn't go through; it appeared to be some sort of glitch. It was only later that I uncovered a few quotes from it in an old printout--my dog actually ate most of the printout, so I couldn't read the whole thing. You wouldn't happen to know anything about the glitch would you?
Survurlode: Ah yes. Those were the days--I could thwart BZPers left and right and they had no idea who I was or even that I was doing it! Ha ha! Yes, I had the article stopped--how is classified--because unbeknownst to me, Binkmeister had secured some classified quotes without my permission, including my comments at the creation of the Evil Clocks.
bones: I noticed some of the quotes seemed out of place. Neato!
Survurlode: But you, you cursed skeleton, snuck the truth by me. The blogs were a new feature, so my Grem--my... influence... hadn't yet gained control of that system. The word is out now, so I can no longer hide the truth.
bones: Glad to be of service. You can thank Binkmeister for devising the blog system. *snickers* Now, the snippets of the old article that I recovered gave some hints as to your strategy for conquering BZP. Since the jist of it is in the public eye, wanna comment on that strategy?
Survurlode: *grumbles* Oh, I suppooose. Well, you see.........
bones: .... I'm waiting?
Survurlode: Board Message: What do you get when you mix a cellphone with a Bohrok? A Bohrok Kal! Ah-HAHAHAHA!1!
bones: Oh great. Now Board messages can come over the telephone?!?
Survurlode: Board Message: We are the Piraka; Who don't do anything! We just stay at home; And lie around!
bones: I... I guess I refresh by saying something.
Survurlode: Can you hear me now?
bones: Um... Hello again.
Survurlode: Good. Sorry about that, the Grem---I mean, the phone system overloaded there. It's a beeyoootiful thing, idn't it?
bones: You were saying?
Survurlode: Right. Well, it begins with a top-secret algorithm the Gr--I had uploaded to BZPower's server. Binkmeister knows this, but he doesn't know how to stop it. Whenever a BZPower wants to load a page, the ping runs through the algorithm, which artificially inflates the number of refreshes tenfold. You can see the algorithm running here:
The load increases even more when more members are online. So you are faced with the priceless dilemma: stick around, you harm the server load; leave, and you bow to my wishes! Muahahaha!
bones: I notice two parts that seem odd at first glance. This is a board message, which is supposed to make us bored, right?
Survurlode: Right. You're talking about the random cheesy message and the bubble wrap, right?
bones: Yeah. I mean, some of those messages are really funny! Given, it's still annoying when they just keep popping up, but they lessen the annoyance. And speaking of popping, who can turn down bubble wrap?
Survurlode: Well, bones, you've hit the nail right on the head there. Who indeed? See, that's the catch--while I distract you with these funny messages, you're more interested in refreshing the page so you can get more. More refreshes, more multiplied pings, more server load. What's more, everytime a bubble is popped on the bubble wrap, the server load actually multiplies by twenty. Reloading the wrap? Forty. That lady isn't saying she wants more bubble wrap--she wants more server load!
bones: B-but... it's not fair!
Survurlode: Evil Lord, remember?
Survurlode: Of course, the other part to pay attention to is the call to the flood of SURVURLODE--yours truly. Every ping draws a bit of my power into the virtual world known as BZPower--rising a flood of water that threatens to engulf the little island you call home. You all have seen it--as your page loads ever-so-slowly... you see nothing but a big blank window of either blue--the water--or white--the churning foam as it rises.
bones: But surely we can break the habit, and choose to ignore the bubble wrap!
Survurlode: Bones, take a look at this image. I call it "Wrap and Roll:"
bones: Ooooooh. But no... Must... resist....
Survurlode: I call this one "Follow the Bubble Brick Road:"
bones: *drools* Wait, no!
Survurlode: But wait, there's more! Order today and get a free set of Ginsu knives to make your bubble popping ten times as fun!!!!
Survurlode: This is why I am more powerful than Sauron. Sauron had to try to conquer by force because nobody wants to be burned alive! But my power is more attractive. You see, the bubble wrap idea came directly from my power--as I churn the waves with fury, often the sea makes foam:
One day I saw a little Matoran run up to the foam after surviving a flood of mine, and he began popping the bubbles as his quaint way of getting back at me. But as I watched... his frown turned to a smile, and he couldn't stop! He popped every bubble on that beach, and then begged me to make more!
bones: Wow. I hope I don't end up like that guy... Okay... Why don't we try another subject, hopefully one less... spooky. You're a powerful Evil Lord. A guy like you needs minions. We've already met the Chief Evil Clock and heard about his armies. Are they your only minions? 'Cuz I'm seriously thinking sledgehammers are the way we should go...
Survurlode: Oh, no, my friend, they are not all. I have many minions.
bones: I'm not your friend. So, care to elaborate?
Survurlode: Board Message: Secret Message #78,921: Dimensioneer likes Bionicle.
bones: Um... boy that was clever...
Survurlode: Board Message: One Refresh to thwart them all; One Refresh to overload them. One Refresh to flood them all, and in the bubble wrap bind them.
bones: Whoa. That one is more interesting...
Survurlode: What's in your wallet? I mean... Can you hear me now?
bones: Wrong ad there dude. Hello again.
Survurlode. Bad. I mean... good. Sorry, the G---the phone service again.
bones: I get the distinct impression you wanna avoid the subject of who your other minions are. But you keep mentioning this "Grem something." What does that mean?
Survurlode: Curse you, oh ye of abundant calcium. *sigh* I guess the cat's out of the bag on that too. Well, it's really pretty simple, bones. You see, Sauron had Orcs to serve him, otherwise known as Goblins. Well, I have Gremlins instead. Gremlines are like Bohrok with fangs and ears--I based them off of a stolen schematic of Fohrok from the Brotherhood of Makuta, but I made them biomechanical with the DNA of Orcs. The combination didn't exactly go so well... and they ended up very glitchy. Here's a photo of one of them:
bones: Interesting. You said "glitchy"--what do you mean?
Survurlode: Well, they have a habit of trying to bite everything they see, for one. Sometimes they spark and dance around like Matoran who ran into a Room Rahi and went nuts. They imitate broken records sometimes, so carrying on conversations is rather difficult. They also have intense phobias... but their brains are so mixed up they randomly mix up what they're afraid of and what they aren't.
bones: Sounds... inefficient.
Survurlode: But oh, they have their uses! In their rare moments of sanity, they are coding geniuses, and they designed the server lode algorithm. They can hack computers with their minds... and they even function as my island's telephone connection!
bones: Wow. So... that's how Board Messages come over a phone... Any other minions?
Survurlode: Well, let's see, you've met Tikatahk... so there's--
Survurlode: What? Oh. Whoops. Um, Tikatahk. It's the Chief Evil Clock's real name, but he hates it--that's why he didn't tell it to you in your interview with him. I have a feeling my alarm clock is going to be very cruel all of a sudden....
bones: Awesome. Go on.
Survurlode: *glares* Well, there are Uruk Kal--supercharged Gremlins that are part Clock--Tikatahk invented them. You've already heard of Hapori Doom, right?
bones: WAIT! Did you mean to say you were behind the server shutdowns when Hapori Dume invaded?
Surverlode: Surprise! Yep--Old Happy was a rogue member of the Brotherhood of Makuta who got stuck in the form of Turaga Dume whilst competing with Makuta for appointment to the Metru Nui job. He was laughed out of the Brotherhood, so I welcomed him with open arms. He's been a loyal slave--ah... friend ever since.
bones: I see. Anyone else?
Survurlode: Well, there was Gollaga for a while, though he escaped centuries ago...
Survurlode: He's an evil Rahaga. He was able to steal the One Refresh when he escaped my service, and it turned him into a wretched creature that can't stand any kind of food other than cheese puffs.
bones: Cheese Puffs?
Survurlode: I don't understand it also. Anyways, he still performed missions every once in a while for me when I offer him certain... rewards.
bones: More Cheese Puffs?
Survurlode: No, the right to stay alive.
bones: ... Right. That would do it, eh? But! It seems you just made a major slip-up, Mr. Evil Dude. You just said this Gollaga has the One Refresh.
Survurlode: Oh, he lost it long ago, don't worry.
bones: Bah. Still, I think I'll want to try to talk to him sometime.... But why don't we turn to that subject now. The One Refresh. What exactly is it? One of the server busy messages for your phone service had some sort of poem about it... It sounded interesting.
Survurlode: Well, as you probably gathered from the quotes you obtained from the old BZP interview, it was based on Sauron's One Ring. You see, Sauron was an old fogie, and back in his day, they didn't have computers. They just had phones. You called people by making a Ring. So he decided that to call everybody up all at once and thus hold them all under his spell, he would have to craft a One Telephone Ring.
bones: So that how that worked. Sounds different from what I remember... but whatever dude! So you did the same with your One Refresh?
Survurlode: Correct. I forged it in the protodermis depths of a deep sea trench... whose location shall remain a secret... and endowed it with the ability to protect my life force against any attack should I ever need that, just like Sauron. But I devised ways of preventing its destruction, unlike Sauron--his ring was destroyed in the very fires that made it in Mount Doom.
Survurlode: Whatever. You can see an image of my One Refresh here, along with that poem you heard, which is the lyrical manifestation of the very spell that bound its power:
bones: Hm... glowing blue pedestal. Will have to remember to keep my eye out for that...
Survurlode: Don't hold your breath. It's hidden in the hardest place to find in all of existence.
bones: In all of it? I guess you're really worried about it. I wonder if there's a Frodo/Bilbo parallel here? Do you mean by that that even you don't know where it is? That maybe it's in the hands of a tiny creature out there, maybe a Voyatoran, who's just waiting for a Toa to tell him about a quest to destroy it?
Survurlode: Board Message: Secret Message #5,400,738: bonesiii likes cheese puffs. He must be as evil as Gollaga!!! Muahahahaha!
bones: ..... I get the feeling there's something fishy about these messages...
Survurlode: Board Message: Thank you for calling Survurlode Industries Inc. Your input is valuable to us. Please hold. Thank you for calling Survurlode Industries Inc....
bones: Um... Can you hear me now?
Survurlode: Board Message: A computer virus. Five dollars ninety-nine cents. Overloaded RAM. Seventy dollars. A glitchy browser. One hundred dollars. A server bogged by cheesy server messages and bubble wrap addicts. Priceless.
Survurlode: Board Message: Pop Bubble Wrap!
bones: No! Resist!
Survurlode: Board Message: Bubbles! Bubbles! Bubbles!
Survurlode: Page Cannot Be Displayed.
bones: ... Well, folks, I guess that's all for this interview. I was hoping to figure out the mystery of the Poolantir, but I guess it'll have to wait. Thanks for listening, and here's hoping the next interview provides more clues about how to defeat this wacko!
Survurlode: I heard that!