The ReturnReview the Epic
Posted Oct 18 2011 - 01:53 PM
Please stop by and review the rewrite of this original story.
CURRENT STORIES: The Return
Posted Oct 27 2011 - 08:05 PM
Well, first off, it's been a while since I've seen a good old-fashioned post-apocalypse, post-mass-genocide story. You have a tale that is instantly appealing on an emotional and narrational level, which is hard to do with just a prologue. Kudos to you for that!
I have a few notes on story clarity - just a few quick edits which will make your epic much easier to follow. For example, you said,
Rewritten, "Before he could be subdued, hundreds of beings joined with him, despite all efforts of those who opposed Ahkmou's rebellion."
Before he could be subdued, hundreds of beings stood with him against the ones who were attempting to stop him.
Rewritten, "The Vortixx were the only people who seemed to stay on the sidlines; at least, publicly - everyone knew they produced weapons for both sides."
The Vortixx, were the only ones who seemed to stay on the sidelines, but even they were involved, producing weapons for both sides.
It just takes a little effort to bring out the best of your story. I recommend reading it aloud to yourself just once before you hit publish. It always helps you catch those few last things.
Personally, I don't quite understand why Takano is Kolana's love interest, if he was working for the people who caused the genocide. But perhaps that's meant to be part of the mystery and will be revealed later on.... (Ooooh, suspense!)
It's a new take on Toa, having to run and hide to keep their kind alive; I can't help but wonder where they'll end up, and how they'll win. Inventive names, good descriptions of scenery, and excellent knowledge of the geography of Mata-Nui, all of which flow into the story quite nicely. Well done, over all.
My Library: The Esoteric Athenaeum
Leader of the Epic Critics' Club
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