5 replies to this topic

[snakebug]

(credit lord of shadows for some of the ideas NOTE: this is not a copy paste thing)


*on destral*

teridax: were is mutran!? i told him to be here by sundown!

mutran,screaming: ITS THE KRATTA INFESTATION ALL OVER AGAIN!

teridax: huh afraid of a simple kratta how funny. im gonna have fun with this.

*later*

teridax to chirox: he thinks has fline swu

chirox:i think your up to something again.

teridax well right now nobody is getting on my nerves. so why would i be up to something?

chirox i know that look on your face. *blasts him* WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY BROTHER!

teridax: your dead.

chirox lukes voice: no, thats not true!

*on bara magna*

vorox: what is this stuff?

gelu:oh just some energized protodermis.

vorox now mutated with claws and very shiny: WHAAT! *flys away off the planet*

gelu: wow i never new he had it in him. what do you think kinna? *sees her getting pulled by a rope with the vorox*

gresh: well mata nuis gonna be mad.

*back on destral again*

gorast: hey um i see a meteor coming straight for us

mutran: well it looks alive to me! RUN!

*vorox crashes through the window knocking down a whole bunch of weird liquids down*

vorox dazed: where am i! who are you two! *points at mutran and gorast and mutran* are you related?

gorast grinning: shiny

vorox: hey off that topic. whats going on!

teridax whispering to gorast: take him to the spare room

vorox: hey dont touch me! *whips his tail at gorast*

teridax: ok this is getting boring INITIATE PASSAGE OF TIME.

*when everybody is under control and vorox sides with them*

teridax: okay now lets get aquainted with vorox. this is bitil.

bitil: end my life please.

teridax: ok that was odd? this is gorast.

gorast: im not the only one who is mutated finnaly

teridax: um you guys are weird...

vorox: woah hold on first of all gorast is eating my food and second whats with these drinks?

teridax: wait guys dont drink them! *vorox and gorast drink one at the same time*

gorast attached to vorox: well this is an inconveniance

mutran:

teridax it wont wear off until tomorrow but for now get some sleep.

vorox:unless i can get a wall inbetween us both im not going to sleep!

teridax: very well...

*in the basement*

teridax: you two stay here for the night *lock noise*

vorox looking at some cell bars: who is that?

vortell: who is there?

vorox: well if it isnt vortell. my crazy twin made from me.

vortell: and it is also vorex the person i was made from.

gorast: ooh i hear some commosion...

vortell: whos got your back

vorex: dont say it i know what your thinking and i will strangle you if you say it.

*gorast drops*

gorast: now who are you.. oh i see whats going on now

vorex:umm

vortell using hypnotism:whats wrong?

vorex: gorast your sickning!

gorast:what did i say?

vorex snaps out of it: stupid hypnotism

vortell: lets make a deal. you let me out ill repay you.

vorex: what are you gonna repay me with?

vortell: oh you will see *looks slyly at gorast*

vorex: um ok this is weird ill let you out

vortell tackles vorex: how doin old brother!

vorex:pretty good but then i get tackled by vortell and fell.

vortell: your silly

vortex: and you are painful.

teridax: ok everybody up now!

vorex: its morning already?

vortell: well time flys when your having fun.

vorex: what?

vortell: nevermind.

*upstairs*

teridax: it seems everybody is in one peice *looks at vorex and vortell* well i think you found a new friend.

everybody but bitil:

vorex to bitil: are they always like this?

bitil: pretty much.

teridax: ok but anyways since you guys make me laugh. vorex i have a plan for you.

vorex: how do you know my name?

teridax: look up.

vorex: oh

*later in metru nui*

teridax: well here we are

vorex: on a stage?

teridax: yes because its a contest!

vorex reading sign: partner...music...contest rock only

vorex: um but i dont have a partner. well who is going to be my partner?

teridax: guys? come out!

*gorast and vortell walk out*

vorex: oh come on im the only guy!

teridax: deal with it!

vorex: you will pay for this

teridax: ok show starts in a bit

vorex: what does that...

*curtains go away*

mean...

vorex: ok ill give it my best shot.

*starts singing crashed perfectly*

*song ends*

crowd:

vorex: ok im out

*everybody starts walking back to destral*

vortell: but that doesnt make sense?

*did i ask you?*

vortell: ok you win

*back at destral*

vortell: hey why dont i get to look different?

vorex: first of all i got mutated, not some fox like you that went to the shops and never came back.

vortell: oh i remember *shudders*

*flashback*

vortell: ok im going somewhere thats not here.

vorex: fine

*at the shops*

shop person 1: i could use that armor.

shop person 2: can i have your tail?

*end flashback*

vortell: but can you change me in some way? and look that gorast person seems to...

vorex: no more talk about gorast!

vortell: oooohhhh

vorex in wheatley voice: WERE ALL GONNA BLOODY DIE!

krika muffled in next room: NO I DONT WANT TO DIE!
vorex: fine ill do it *pulls out tools*

*later*

vortell: well i like this. im off!

vorex: ok i think i went into overkill there.

*in krikas room*

vortell: hi krika!

krika: oh hi *turns around* you scared me to death!

vortell: okay that was odd

*icarax room*
vortell: hi whats up?

icarax: oh hi..... wow

vortell: good job vorex next one up mutran.

vortell: um hi mutran

mutran: a little ounce of that here and another here and then... *BOOOOM*

vortell: mutran um are you alright?

mutran: just let me lay here and die

vortell: wow uncalled for.

*gorasts room*

gorast: wow you look different did you pull a roodaka on vorex?

vortell: you could say that. but how did you know.

gorast: i saw on the security system that you were acting just like roodaka off of web of shadows.

vortell: well um who is vorex to you?

gorast: dont get me started.

vortell: ok im out

*later on with gorast*

gorast thinking: im gonna go see what vorex is doing.

*at vorex room*

gorast: hey vorex

vorex: what?

gorast: vortell has been acting weird around us lately.

vorex: i knew i went into overkill!

gorast: and she has been using her hypnotism to make us do really weird stuff.

vorex: ill be there right away!

*at the main hall*

icarax: who left the missletoe up from last christmas?(its just an illusion)

vorex general ackbar voice: ITS A TRAP!

*vorex tackles vortell making the illusion dissapear*

vorex: you have taken it to far now!

vortell: fine ill stop sheesh and gorast is whatching you right now.

hope you like it. please comment on this and its my first comedie so it might not be that good.

[Lewa0111 Nuva]

This is an interesting concept for a comedy you have here. I like the idea of Vorox and the Makuta, it's an interesting pairing of characters you don't see very often. Some of my favorite parts were Gorast's "Ooh, shiny!" line and the idea of the rock contest. Nice job!

However, the comedy was hard to read at times, mostly because of the spelling and grammar. First, you spelled Vorox as "Vorex" repeatedly, I'm not usually this picky but since Vorox is one of your main characters, it's important to get the name right. Also, you should try to capitalize the first letter of every name at the beginning of their lines, it makes it easier to read and to see who's talking. Such as:

Teridax: Well, here we are.

As opposed to

teridax well here we are

Overall, though, I like the concept and think this comedy really has potential. Just clean up the spelling and grammar a bit and you might have a really good comedy!

Lewa0111 Nuva

[snakebug]

@ Lewa Thanks ill use some of your ideas in this chapter.


chapter 2 The sickness

Teridax: well ive noticed that vorox has become un ussually cruel.

Chirox: he almost killed me! and destroyed my chemistry set!

Mutran: what were you doing with MY chemistry set!?

Chirox: nothing

Gorast: well i like it. even though he dented my armor so it looks like a golf ball.

Teridax: im worried about him. he seems sick and he is acting like somebody stole his child.

Vorox: WHAT HAPPENED TO MY MOTHERS EGGS! I WAS SUPPOSED TO KEEP THEM SAFE!

Gorast: you just jinxed us.

Bitil: *with the eggs* ive always wanted to be a father.

Teridax: well one of us needs to go talk to him. but he would destroy the person. we need somebody who can keep him calm... somebody who can slip past the barrier... somebody like...

Everybody:

Teridax: and guess who im looking at...

Gorast: fine ill go *sigh* i have to use the pool anyway.

Vorox: WHERE IN THE WORLD ARE THOSE EGGS!?

Mutran: i got to see how this works out *goes to the security room*

*the Vorox room*

Gorast: um uh whats going on?

Vorox: *calms down* oh hi Gorast.

Gorast: *thinking* i didnt know it would be this easy. um well why are you so mad?

Vorox: new inviornment some eggs that are supposed to....

*tail pops out of egg*

little vorox's: daddy!

Vorox: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! *hides behind bed*

Gorast: well isnt that a sight.

*little vorox's are on her shoulder's (i couldnt add what they said)*

Vorox: are they asleep yet? *peeks over and gets tackled*

Gorast:well you dont see that every day.

Vorox: hey stop. that tickles! not on the tail!

Teridax: ok whats going on. oh my...

Vorox: i can explain HEY dont bite my ankles!

Teridax: Gorast why didnt you tell me...

Vorox: HEY THESE WHERE MY MOTHERS EGGS i was supposed to keep safe. but now i dont want to let them go... I MEAN THEY.... UH I...

Gorast: he feels like a father already.

Vorox: oh well they said your there mother! so the jokes on you!

Gorast: im glad to be one.

Mutran: this is comical! keep the camera rolling!

Vorox: well this wasnt supposed to happen! why couldnt i be alone when they hatched!

Gorast: its ok well work through it.

Vorox: oh im gonna be sick. *runs to the restroom with the new borns following.*

Krika: i think one had gorast's face.

*heres a faint and a crash noise*

Krika: um wow didnt know he would react that way.

Teridax: i need to ask gorast a few questions about those eggs.

Vorox: um i have confesion to make! i am not a *faints*

Icarax: lets give him some time.

Chirox: good idea.
this might be under 300 words but i will post part 2 to this chapter hope you like it!

[snakebug]

i might add some bzp members in this episode so BEWARE.

chapter 3 the sickness part 2

Vorox: ugh what happened oh hey there.

little vorox: um miss Gorast said you should give us names.

Vorox: ummm please tell me im dreaming.

Gorast: nope you arent.

Vorox: well this is great. wait why does that one over there look like gorast?

Gorast: we dont know but were getting D.N.A tests today.

Vorox: well teri. wait now im thinking like a father. i cant believe your not bothered by this Gorast.

Mutran: well are you ready to go?

Vorox:uh lets get this over with.

*D.N.A test building*

Lewa 0111: well it seems that the eggs were Gorast's

Vorox: how is that possible?

Lewa 0111: she is the person who gave you the eggs.

Vorox:

Gorast: are you ok?

Vorox: WERE ALL GONNA BLOODY DIE! *faints*

*back at destral*

Vorox: my face feels like a kikanalo stomped it...

Chirox: thats because you stabbed one to death on the way here.

Vorox: oh

Gorast: you took a big hit to the head too.

Vorox: the last thing i remember is some blue person with hooks trying to drag me off.

Gali: hey i was only trying to eat something when i realized he wasnt a steak.

Rahkshi: i drew out some plans master as you can see this is the main theater of war.

Teridax: change

Rahkshi: look i drew a picture on a place mat its you in a canoo

Teridax: change

Rahkshi: how about this awesome photograph its me with toa

Teridax: change

Rahkshi: i laminated a picture of a post it stamp what you may look like when your old and dead.

Teridax: i dont think your much of an advisor i was thinking of hiring somebody else.

Rahkshi: but im a general you cant kick me out of here.

Teridax: i dont need a general what i need is a stratagist!

Rahkshi: change

Teridax: i dont need a general what i need is a masoost!

Rahkshi: change

Teridax: i dont need a general what i need is gary coleman!

Vorox: ummm what?

Mutran: dont worry they do this all the time.

little vorox: lets play kohli!

Chirox to little vorox: man you are one pathetic loser.

Vorox: grrr

Chirox:

Gorast: well thats slightly odd and funny

Teridax: i dont need a general what i need is the mask of life!

*END*

hope you liked it please respond and also if you want to be in an episode please ask.

[snakebug]

Gorast: its been a while since we made a comedy.

Vorox: dont worry we can start where we left off.

Mutran: yeah right... *points to his lab on fire*

episode 4: every Vorox has his day

Vorox: ok i dont have time for this chirox i have 10 hungry kids waiting for me.

Chirox: you look kind of sick just take the pill and you will feel better.

Vorox: ok but if i find myself going crazy im coming after you. *swallows pill*

Chirox: how do you feel?

Vorox: wierd *ice rahkshi runs by* now im angry.

Teridax: come back with that thing! thats a scream krata for my new sound rahkshi!

Gorast: whats with the comotion? *sees chirox* are you messing with mutrans stuff again?

Chirox: yeeeeesssss?

Icarax: *knocks Chirox out* i am ze spy.

Mutran: ok who took my expierement's? *sees Icarax* hey! long time no see!

Icarax: this will be the last time you see me. *disapears with a smoke bomb*

Mutran: thats what he said last time.

Vorox: IM DANGEROUS IM UGLY AND ILL HURT YA.

Nokama: calm down Vorox its alright.

Vorox: um thanks?

Gorast:

Chirox: i smell a fight.

Icarax: your supposed to be knocked out! *knocks him out*

Mutran: see i knew he would come back!

Nokama: somebody seems envy with green! *fight begins with clawing scratching and biting*

Vorox: ENOUGH! IF YOU ALL DONT STOP I WILL PERSONALLY EAT YOU TWO ALIVE!

Nokama: you do that?

Vorox: do you really want to find out? because im actually hungry to eat somebody. somebody in blue armor and somebody in green.

Gorast: im flattered

Gali: does that include me?

Vorox: no your not as crunchy. though im not a picky eater.*looks at Gorast and Chirox*

Kinna: hi guys hows it going?

Vorox: *stutters* g... how did you get here!?

Kinna: well when you got rocketed out of the energized protodermis i was stuck to you and landed here. and i was knocked out for a few days.and i heard somebody was jealous so i woke up. hey more blue people i think i can fit in here.

Vorox: no not the dance again! THIS IS WORSE THAN THE MOVIE!

Gorast: i want in!

Vorox: Gorast dont do it!

Gorast: to late.*does the dance*

Chirox: i would pay to see this.

Teridax: ok i finnally caught it *sees whats going on* WHAT IS THIS?! I WOULD RATHER HAVE THAT TAKUA GUY LIGHT UP MY LAIR THAN WATCH THIS!

Vorox: the only person who can stop this madness is... POHATU JACKSON!

Pohatu: why do you call me that?

Vorox: because your the only one who has the same effect. now bust the move!

Pohatu: ok just this once. *music starts and he does the moonwalk*

Kinna:

Gorast: i really cant believe that was your reaction *stops dancing*

Vorox: YEESSS! THE MADNESS HAS ENDED! now quick throw kinna in the nearest cell!

Teridax: ok but where did pohatu go?

Pohatu: *being carried off by gali* HEEEELP MEEEEE!

Vorox: now Gorast we need to talk NOW!

Gorast: i love it when your angry.

Vorox: im flattered NOW MOVE SOLDIER!

Teridax: note to self if vamprah moves in gavla lives outside.

Vamprah: *throws gavla outside*
Teridax: that was fast.

END

hope you guys liked it my other post was burried because school took over but if you guys liked and have any ideas just post a reply.

PS: i am accepting people to add there characters by posting who your character is.

name:
species:
communication: *like how vamprah can only use emoticons*
personality:
colour:
discription:

[snakebug]

Vorox: well i guess the writer needs to get some more time on his hands dont you crazy string.

Snakebug: like i said before my nickname is not crazy string. its Crazy snake.

Chapter 5: the night bitil went crazy.

Vorox: ok bitil why are you one of the only sane ones here?

Bitil: do you really want to know?

Vorox: yes

Bitil: how does getting strapped to a pool table and getting hit by an 8 ball at 100 miles an hour right in your bloody face sound? or your father always taunting you with a hammer saying "why so british."? or mabey getting shock therapy with an thousand volts pumped into you? may i go on?

Vorox: well who was doing this to you then?

Bitil: it all started when i was cloned.

(FLASHBACK)

Computer: cloning prossess complete.

Bitil: alright why is my clone a lassy?

Teridax: i dont know i guess there was an error in the system. open it.

Bitil: *the Bitil clone lands on Bitil* Teridax get this person off of me shes bloody worse than krika!

Bitil clone: who am i? whats going on? hey brother whats up? *faints*

*the wall falls on the bitil clone*

Teridax: wheres the surup?

Bitil: dont talk to my sister like that!

Teridax: um whats the matter?

Bitil: i...need...some time.

*later*

Teridax: ok this person needs a name. we cant just call her clone all the time.

Gorast: tell you what lets leave you two together for some brother sister bonding.

Bitil: YOU CANT LEAVE ME HERE WITH THIS MONSTROCITY WHAT WILL I SAY!? *runs to the door*

Krika: *using his mask* cant touch this.

(ENDFLASHBACK)

Bitil:so i just decided to lock her down in the cells.

Vorox: then lets go find this person.

Bitil: krikas down there too are you sure you want to go?

Roodaka: if you need help im here.

Vorox: huh? *sees Roodaka tied up hanging from the cealing.*

Bitil: dont help her shes a thief.

Vorox: and a good appitizer. im hungry.

Roodaka: help a kitty out here.

Vorox: you are in no means related to a cat. but you might taste like one .

Gorast: get away from Roodaka! i cant risk you becoming another sidorak!

Vorox: why do you care and whos sidorak?

Gorast: you dont want to know.

Vorox: but im *sniff* whats that smell? hmm poison, stingers, my fathers odor. wait i smell my fathers odor?

Gorast: your the only one who can smell that you know.

Vorox:*looks out the window* its my pack! i got to get out there!

Little vorox: wait for us!

Vorox: move it or lose it get out there!

Vamprah:

Vorox: whats he saying?

Gorast: hes saying dont leave.

Vorox: you can come if you like but it looks like there moving in.

Teridax: oh not more residents! we already have enough people here!

Vamprah:

Teridax: what are smiling about vamprah!?

Vamprah: you act sssssso ssssstupid when your angry.

Gorast: SNAKE!

Snakebug: *sigh* what do you need?

Gorast: i wasnt yelling for you its that vamprah talks like a snake!

Snakebug: snakes cant talk though.

Krika: i will now pat you down for your flight.

Bitil: Krika im going to bloody murder you!

Krika: security! get the terrorist!

END

im not doing good writing today. still getting used to it so hoped you enjoyed!