10 replies to this topic

[Aderia]

Second To None

Review Topic

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"My name is Lorena. I'm going to be a super senior here at North Coast High School, and I'm totally excited about it! My life is pretty cool here in Pennsylvania. I live at the foot of the Appalachain Mountains with my dad. My dad the Makuta."

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Well, hopefully some of you have seen this epic before, but since the Forum Downtimes, I'm going to be reposting, as well as finishing it. I'm working hard to make this fic shine, so constructive criticism is greatly appreciated.

As always, written for you, so enjoy!!

Story Topic

Edited by Aderia: Toa of Ducklings, Oct 18 2011 - 07:07 PM.

[Andrewnuva199]

Great to see you reposting this. I really enjoyed reading it the first time, and I'm excited for when we pick up from where you left off.

[Aderia]

Great to see you reposting this. I really enjoyed reading it the first time, and I'm excited for when we pick up from where you left off.

Haha, thankyou! I'm gonna try to get the rest of the chapters up ASAP so I can start posting the new ones for you all.

[Progenitus Worldsoul]

I do quite like the concept of this epic. And I must say, your writing is good. Although, some parts seem a tad out of place.

[Aderia]

I do quite like the concept of this epic. And I must say, your writing is good. Although, some parts seem a tad out of place.

thank you! its really great to know people appreciate my works. If you could elaborate, I might be able to do something about the 'out of place' parts

[Plague]

Great job on this! 'Mr.Mallard' and 'Duckie', I wonder where you got those names?

[Aderia]

Great job on this! 'Mr.Mallard' and 'Duckie', I wonder where you got those names?

thanks!! hahahahaha, now that you mention it, "Mr. Mallard" and "Duckie" are pretty appropriate names, aren't they? Actually , when I was writing this, it didn't even cross my mind

[Cederak]

Hello, Aderia, here is your official ECC review. As an opening note, I have to admit that crossing the line between the Bionicle realm and our own has never appealed to me much, but your epic drew me in more as I continued through it.

As per my usual reviewing style, here is the list of errors I came across. Little minor things, but I thought you might be interested.


Intro

But it the light from the stars and moon and the clear,

But the light from the stars and moon and the clear,

an accomplished businessman, who's beautiful wife, Trista,

an accomplished businessman, whose beautiful wife, Trista,

He took the empty elevator in the nearest sky scraper to the rooftop.

He took the empty elevator in the nearest skyscraper to the rooftop.

Part 1

They only two people in the world,

The only two people in the world,

Why don't we go out to the outlets tomorrow before practice."

Why don't we go out to the outlets tomorrow before practice?"

Part 4

Then I turn to village on the bay in the distance.

Then I turn to the village on the bay in the distance.

That could me, in there,

That could be me, in there,

and a shattered life was l woke up with.

and a shattered life was what l woke up with.


Now that I've taken care of that, I can discuss the actual story. As I said before, I was apprehensive when I started making my way through the story of a Makuta winding up on Earth. And then I come to find that this becomes less of his story, and more of Lorena's. As a character, Lorena seems to be a rather typical girl for her age - despite the biomech hand - and because of that, she feels realistic. By the time I finished this epic, I felt sorry for her present state, and hopeful in the back of my mind that something could be done to reverse her terrible fate. Of course, if she had been found as an infant by Makuta Mutran, I think she may have become something terrible much sooner.

In terms of your writing style, I took a liking to your first-person narration. Third-person wasn't bad, but it lacked the standard attention to detail that often comes with the perspective. I suppose that's advice for future writing. Once the spotlight switched to Lorena, however, and we view the world through her eyes, the story has this organic feel to it - one that only an epic with human characters might dare to take on. If a biomech were to carry on, or behave, or live as Lorena does, it would be ridiculous. But you've captured a real sense of what it could be like to have this life with a dose of Makuta added to it, and the result is excellent. I truly hope you see this epic through to completion, because, while many Bionicle/human crossovers seem to fall short, I found myself surprisingly entertained by this piece of work. Well done, Aderia.

-Ced

[Aderia]

Hello, Aderia, here is your official ECC review. As an opening note, I have to admit that crossing the line between the Bionicle realm and our own has never appealed to me much, but your epic drew me in more as I continued through it.

As per my usual reviewing style, here is the list of errors I came across. Little minor things, but I thought you might be interested.


Intro

But it the light from the stars and moon and the clear,

But the light from the stars and moon and the clear,

an accomplished businessman, who's beautiful wife, Trista,

an accomplished businessman, whose beautiful wife, Trista,

He took the empty elevator in the nearest sky scraper to the rooftop.

He took the empty elevator in the nearest skyscraper to the rooftop.

Part 1

They only two people in the world,

The only two people in the world,

Why don't we go out to the outlets tomorrow before practice."

Why don't we go out to the outlets tomorrow before practice?"

Part 4

Then I turn to village on the bay in the distance.

Then I turn to the village on the bay in the distance.

That could me, in there,

That could be me, in there,

and a shattered life was l woke up with.

and a shattered life was what l woke up with.


Now that I've taken care of that, I can discuss the actual story. As I said before, I was apprehensive when I started making my way through the story of a Makuta winding up on Earth. And then I come to find that this becomes less of his story, and more of Lorena's. As a character, Lorena seems to be a rather typical girl for her age - despite the biomech hand - and because of that, she feels realistic. By the time I finished this epic, I felt sorry for her present state, and hopeful in the back of my mind that something could be done to reverse her terrible fate. Of course, if she had been found as an infant by Makuta Mutran, I think she may have become something terrible much sooner.

In terms of your writing style, I took a liking to your first-person narration. Third-person wasn't bad, but it lacked the standard attention to detail that often comes with the perspective. I suppose that's advice for future writing. Once the spotlight switched to Lorena, however, and we view the world through her eyes, the story has this organic feel to it - one that only an epic with human characters might dare to take on. If a biomech were to carry on, or behave, or live as Lorena does, it would be ridiculous. But you've captured a real sense of what it could be like to have this life with a dose of Makuta added to it, and the result is excellent. I truly hope you see this epic through to completion, because, while many Bionicle/human crossovers seem to fall short, I found myself surprisingly entertained by this piece of work. Well done, Aderia.

-Ced

Hey, thank you so much for the indepth review. I'm sorry it took me so long to get back to you about it. Technical difficulties, ya know? I'll get to fixing those spelling/grammar errors asap.

I have to admit that crossing the line between the Bionicle realm and our own has never appealed to me much,

I gotta admit, as soon as I read that, I tensed up and said 'oh snap' and braced myself for the worst, but I'm really glad you more or less liked my epic so far.

Thanks again!

[Draezeth]

Hey Aderia, glad to see that this is still here,even though it's advancing slowly. Looking forward to your next chapter.

[Black Six]

Closed by request.