Find the Power

[Kanakalackin]

This is my entry for the FFM contest "Find the Power"

It is also a brief tale about Kranos.

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Just yesterday, I was a handsome Av-Matoran. Now, I'm a monster. A small, green and black Matoran thought as he sat down in his cave. What will I do now? Both sides hate me. All I can do is sit here and fight my own battles.

"Hello Kranos." A familiar voice said. "Made a decision yet?"

"No." Kranos replied flatly. "And it doesn't matter what you think. You're dead."

"Oh come on. If I were dead, then how could I be here?" The voice said, stepping out of the shadow.

"Zek, you died five weeks ago when the Makuta first attacked. I know because I saw you roll off that cliff and plummet into the swamps below. No one could have survived that." Kranos said.

"And yet, I am here." Zek said.

"No, you're not." Kranos said, annoyed. "You're just a figment of my imagination."

"Oh really? Prove it." Zek said, snickering.

How Kranos would love to pick up his sword and stab this ghost. But that was the evil talking.

Five weeks ago, the Makuta began their assault on Karda Nui. Zek, Kranos, Kirop, Radiak, and Gavla had all been struck by Shadow Leaches, creatures that sucked the light out of you, leaving nothing but a shell full of darkness, hate, and evil. Zek had rolled off of a cliff in his agony and fallen at least forty-thousand feet into the swamps below, where the beasts that dwell down there would feast on his flesh.

Kranos had ripped the leach off of his face before he lost his mind. At least, not all of his mind. Kranos' body had changed, but his mind was in a state where a perpetual conflict existed. A battle between good and evil; light and darkness. How easy it would be to let the evil take over, but Kranos would not allow that to happen. He would fight to find the power to keep the darkness at bay until he could find a cure.

"Well? What are you waiting for Kranos. Kill me." Zek said.

"I can't kill you. You're not real Zek." Kranos said. "Nice try, Makuta." He finished as Zek disappeared.

"You're right, misfit. You can't kill him. But I can kill you." The Makuta said as he dropped from the cave ceiling. "This will be extremely fun. But I'll give you one last chance to side with the Makuta."

"Why would I do that after what you did to me?" Kranos said, drawing his sword.

'What I did to you? I made you stronger, faster, deadlier. I made you perfect." The Makuta sneered.

"Perfect? I'm anything but perfect." Kranos said, edging closer to the dark entity.

"Well then, it's been nice knowing you, Kranos." The Makuta said.

It was a fierce battle between Kranos and the Makuta. But in the end, with a sword though his thigh, Kranos fell.

"Farewell, Kranos. My work is done." The Makuta said as he flew away.

White was in the edges of Kranos' eyes, he knew that his time had come. Thank you, Makuta. Kranos said, he didn't even think that he would ever say those words. But the Makuta had ended his suffering and helped Kranos find the power to follow the light. Kranos lay still on the cold, hard ground, greeting Zek on the edges of reality.

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Please C&C!

Edited July 2, 2013 by Phantom Terror

[Chro]

Pretty decent. One of your better stories.

The "nonexistent shade of a dead friend" thing is quite cliche, but I like how you twisted that by making him into an illusion, something created by the Makuta instead of Kranos' mental state.

The one spelling thing I noticed...

"Well the, it's been nice knowing you, Kranos."

Well the!

The final thing is that the title doesn't really seem fitting to me. "Find the Power" reminds me of a character trying to muster their willpower or something, not an indecisive Matoran being executed.

[Makuta of Time]

Sorry to but in, butyou're supposed to enter it in the Flash Fiction Marathon topic. Not create a topic about it, since if everyone did so, a bunch of topics would be made in short time. Possibly causing a lot of clutter.

[Kanakalackin]

Sorry to but in, butyou're supposed to enter it in the Flash Fiction Marathon topic. Not create a topic about it, since if everyone did so, a bunch of topics would be made in short time. Possibly causing a lot of clutter.

I posted in the FFM topic prior to starting this topic, but aside from that, the rules clearly state:

 

 

NOTE: Do NOT link to your story. It is fine if you wish to post it on BZPower, but for entering this contest, we ask that you post your story in this topic. Thanks!

[Makuta of Time]

And my mind has officially left me. Anyways, nice story, but I kinda agree with Chro. It just shows him trying to find his will to face off with a Makuta. I'm not sure how dying can help someone find their power, but all I see is a kill by a 'rouge' (and by rouge I mean not helping the Matoran) Makuta.

[JRRT]

Hi there Wasp. I’ve an official SSCC review for you here. No need to sign for it. There are no refunds. =)

 

I’ll start by saying that, while the plot was very straightforward, it did have some good emotive content. As a reader, I felt for Kranos by the end, and it was a nice upturn as opposed to the potentially very sad ending that you could have gone with, so kudos there. There was good portion of dialogue in this story, and it’s pretty well done. The description is also nicely written, and I definitely liked your application of the FFM theme. Very original. Well done!

 

Because the plot is very straightforward, I won’t comment much on it beyond that. Instead, I’ll focus on a couple of things related to writing structure that I think, if revised, would make for a more fluid narrative overall. Now, the critique:

 

----------

"Hello Kranos." A familiar voice said. "Made a decision yet?"

 

"No." Kranos replied flatly. "And it doesn't matter what you think. You're dead."

 

 

First off, I don’t usually mention punctuation in-depth, but I did notice a lot of inconsistency in the punctuation of dialogue. Here’s a general guide: A period should follow a full sentence, including a dialogue tag. If you have a line of dialogue followed by a tag, the dialogue should end with a comma and the tag should be followed by a period (as if the dialogue and the tag were a single sentence) Example:

 

“Sentence 1,” he said. “Sentence 2.”

 

If the first line of dialogue is not a full sentence and is continued in the second line, then the dialogue tag should be followed by a period, instead of a comma. Example:

 

“Sentence 1,” he said, “sentence 1.”

 

 

Five weeks ago, the Makuta began their assault on Karda Nui.

 

Minor point: Since this is a flashback to a past tense scene and the Makuta begin their attack at a prior point in time, past perfect would probably work better: “Five weeks ago, the Makuta had begun their assault on Karda Nui.”

 

 

It was a fierce battle between Kranos and the Makuta. But in the end, with a sword though his thigh, Kranos fell.

 

Recognizing that this is a piece of flash fiction and that you had to suffer under a word limit, I cannot complain about the fact that this sentence should have been expanded. That said, if you ever considered doing a revision/expansion of this story, this is a moment that is ripe for expansion. =P

 

 

White was in the edges of Kranos' eyes, he knew that his time had come.

 

First: Switch the comma between “eyes” and “he” to a period and make both clauses separate sentences, since they’re both independent clauses.

Second: The phrase “White was in the edges of Kranos’ eyes” is somewhat awkward. Maybe consider rephrasing.

And really, that’s all the criticism I had. I suppose a shorter review would correspond with a shorter story, but whether that’s good or bad is up for you to decide. Overall, I enjoyed reading this story. With a few minor tweaks, it’ll make for a great piece of short fiction. Nicely done, once again. I look forward to more from you. =)

 

JRRT

[Kanakalackin]

Hi there Wasp. I’ve an official SSCC review for you here. No need to sign for it. There are no refunds. =)

 

I’ll start by saying that, while the plot was very straightforward, it did have some good emotive content. As a reader, I felt for Kranos by the end, and it was a nice upturn as opposed to the potentially very sad ending that you could have gone with, so kudos there. There was good portion of dialogue in this story, and it’s pretty well done. The description is also nicely written, and I definitely liked your application of the FFM theme. Very original. Well done!

 

Because the plot is very straightforward, I won’t comment much on it beyond that. Instead, I’ll focus on a couple of things related to writing structure that I think, if revised, would make for a more fluid narrative overall. Now, the critique:

 

----------

"Hello Kranos." A familiar voice said. "Made a decision yet?"

 

"No." Kranos replied flatly. "And it doesn't matter what you think. You're dead."

 

 

First off, I don’t usually mention punctuation in-depth, but I did notice a lot of inconsistency in the punctuation of dialogue. Here’s a general guide: A period should follow a full sentence, including a dialogue tag. If you have a line of dialogue followed by a tag, the dialogue should end with a comma and the tag should be followed by a period (as if the dialogue and the tag were a single sentence) Example:

 

“Sentence 1,” he said. “Sentence 2.”

 

If the first line of dialogue is not a full sentence and is continued in the second line, then the dialogue tag should be followed by a period, instead of a comma. Example:

 

“Sentence 1,” he said, “sentence 1.”

 

 

Five weeks ago, the Makuta began their assault on Karda Nui.

 

Minor point: Since this is a flashback to a past tense scene and the Makuta begin their attack at a prior point in time, past perfect would probably work better: “Five weeks ago, the Makuta had begun their assault on Karda Nui.”

 

 

It was a fierce battle between Kranos and the Makuta. But in the end, with a sword though his thigh, Kranos fell.

 

Recognizing that this is a piece of flash fiction and that you had to suffer under a word limit, I cannot complain about the fact that this sentence should have been expanded. That said, if you ever considered doing a revision/expansion of this story, this is a moment that is ripe for expansion. =P

 

 

White was in the edges of Kranos' eyes, he knew that his time had come.

 

First: Switch the comma between “eyes” and “he” to a period and make both clauses separate sentences, since they’re both independent clauses.

Second: The phrase “White was in the edges of Kranos’ eyes” is somewhat awkward. Maybe consider rephrasing.

And really, that’s all the criticism I had. I suppose a shorter review would correspond with a shorter story, but whether that’s good or bad is up for you to decide. Overall, I enjoyed reading this story. With a few minor tweaks, it’ll make for a great piece of short fiction. Nicely done, once again. I look forward to more from you. =)

 

JRRT

 

Thank you Tolkien!

 

I wanted to end the story on a sad note, but not too sad. I'm glad to hear that it worked.

 

I'll fix the periods and commas soon, switch began with had begun, and add more detail for the battle (I knew that it needed more, but I couldn't do it without breaking the word limit).