Hello and welcome, comedy forumgoers and readers! Some of you may have remembered me posting a crazy little story back on the old forums called BIONICLE: The Legend Reloaded. It was essentially a parody of the movie BIONICLE: The Legend Reborn and inadvertently ended up starting a trilogy of Bionicle parodies, with The Legend Exploded and The Legend Imploded following not long after. Unfortunately, now that the Archives have been taken down, TLR was lost and the link to it in my library pretty much lead nowhere. Thankfully, I have the entire story saved onto an external device. Since TLE and TLI are both still on BZP, I have reposted the entirety of TLR here so the entire Legend Trilogy can be read. This is merely a repost. It is not a rewrite. It is the same story as the one from the Archives. While it could undoubtedly be better, I do not have an interest in making any major changes to the story itself right now. I may edit minor typos or grammatical mistakes, however, but I imagine that will be the most I do in terms of editing or rewriting.
Table of Contents:
Without further ado, I present to you the beginning, where all of this madness first began:
Chapter 1: Mata Nui’s Not Bothering Anymore
A short being in yellow armor (because yellow armor is a chick magnet) raised a rifle and aimed it at the cybernetic demon wolf he had been hunting. His name was Mata Nui and he was not going to go home to his girl Kiina without some food to put on the table. The wolf demon thingy snarled and, with a cry like that of a dolphin, leapt at the ex-war hero with blinding speed and agility. Mata Nui could see the foam at its teeth, its sharp, blood-stained claws, and saw that its eyes were full of hate and hunger. Or something like that. He just thought it looked crazy. Anyway, the wolf jumped at him, but Mata Nui was faster. He raised the rifle even higher than before and, holding the gun with only one hand, shot the cybernetic demon wolf right between the eyes. The wolf creature went flying back and slammed into the stone wall of the canyon Mata Nui had tracked it down in. It slid to the ground, dead, although because this is a kid’s comedy we’ll say it was taken to the hospital forever and leave it at that. Mata Nui walked over to the ‘hospitalized’ wolf and slung it over his shoulder. He did not have the first idea how he would cook and clean this creature. He figured Kiina would know that, but if she didn’t they could always eat it raw. That’s how he and his friends had eaten their enemies during the war, after all. Raw meat was manlier than cooked meat anyway, in Mata Nui’s humble opinion. - A few hours later, Mata Nui drove up in his Thornatus (technically it was Kiina’s, but because it was yellow like him he usually pretended it belonged to him) to his house, which was a basic one-room stone hut. Like most of the inhabitants of Bara Magna, Mata Nui didn’t have enough money to get a more luxurious house. And, again, like most of the Bara Magnans, he was too awesome for silly things such as indoor plumbing and reasonable safety conditions, so he didn’t need a bigger or nicer house anyway. As Mata Nui walked up to his house, he began thinking over how he’d show his girl Kiina what he caught. He imagined it would go something like this: Mata Nui: (with the wolf’s body hidden behind him) Kiina! I’m home! Kiina: Mata Nui! Where were you? Mata Nui: (slyly) Oh, nowhere in particular. Kiina: Were you hanging out with those old war buddies of yours again? Mata Nui: (again, slyly) Maybe a little. Kiina: Not that I care. I’m no generic female stereotype who always worries about the male main character anyway. Mata Nui: Right you are, Kiinie. Kiina: Don’t call me that or I’ll play football with your head. American football, for you foreigners reading this. Mata Nui: Surprise! (Holds up the ‘hospitalized’ wolf) Kiina: Oh, Mata Nui! How wonderful! How did you know cybernetic demon wolf stew was my favorite food? You’re so sweet. Mata Nui: And awesome, too. Kiina: Of course you are. Now go get the chainsaw and let’s try to figure out what the edible parts are on this thing. Yes, Mata Nui thought as he reached the door, this would go perfect. Of course, he had no idea whether Kiina’s favorite food actually was cybernetic demon wolf stew, but he figured the conversation would go that way. He was just that awesome, after all. He opened the door – which was strangely unlocked, although he paid no attention to this – and as he stepped inside, he called out, “Kiina! I’m home!” Then he stopped dead in his tracks. The room was completely dark – despite the windows being open which allowed the bright sunshine to pour in – but Mata Nui knew this was Hollywood darkness, so it was really more of a dark bluish hue that let him see where he was even though it was supposed to be ‘dark.’ He wished it was the cool reddish kind of darkness instead, but he knew the budget for this comedy was pretty low to begin with so he didn’t complain. What he saw horrified him. The table had been flipped over and smashed in two. Their chairs had been smashed against the walls, leaving chair imprints in the plaster. The fridge door was open and Mata Nui saw that all of the food was gone (he gasped dramatically upon seeing that). Someone other than himself or Kiina had slept in their beds. And there appeared to be claw marks on the wall, like a gigantic cat had been sharpening its claws on Mata Nui’s hut. Worst of all, there was no sign of Kiina. He didn’t see any blood, but even if he had he knew it would be censored. Remember, this is a kid’s comedy, so we can’t show blood or anything gory. He dropped the cybernetic demon wolf and walked deeper into the hut, gawking at all of the carnage. Then his sharp eyes caught a flash of white, which caused him to jump, for he feared a ghost had blown up in front of him. It had happened once before. He looked around and saw that it was only a small piece of paper upon which was written a note in tiny, elegant letters made by an obviously well-educated person. In other words, not Kiina’s handwriting. He picked up the note and read it: Dear Mata Nui, We kidnapped your girl Kiina and are holding her hostage. If you cannot turn up at Roxtus with ten billion and a half dollars in cash by the end of the night, you will never see your girl again. Signed, the mighty Tuma, leader of the Skrall. Mata Nui gasped dramatically. “Oh, look! A shiny penny!” He picked up the shiny penny and gazed at it for a few minutes before he realized what was written on the note. Then he crunched the paper in his hands as righteous anger surged through him. “First, I am drafted into some nutty war by some crazy scientists. Then I am ridiculed and mocked by my comrades because I wear yellow armor, which is totally a chick magnet and not kid appeal. And then, I see death and chaos all around me every day until the day the war reaches its epic conclusion. “At first, I thought I had escaped the war when it ended ten years ago. I thought I could settle down and have a family and live happily and peacefully. I thought I could put the war behind me, ignore my problems in the hopes they’ll go away.” Click, his pet bug (for want of a better term), hopped onto his shoulder and looked at Mata Nui worriedly. Then he leapt into the air and – with a blinding flash of awesome light followed by a guitar solo – transformed into Mata Nui’s 40k Mighty Grandma Assault rifle that was capable of blasting cities into pieces. “But apparently, the war has followed me here, to this very hut, and has stolen my girl,” said Mata Nui, his voice growing steadily louder. “Now the Tuma has decided to get revenge on me by attacking the girl I sort of like. The Tuma might be in charge of billions of Skrall, but he has severely, severely underestimated my power and my unstoppable rage.” He looked down at his 40k Mighty Grandma Assault rifle and said to it, “Click, we’re going to kick some Skrall butt and save hot girls. But first, I need help, the kind that doesn’t take no [inappropriate word censored] from any Skrall. And I know exactly who fits that description.” -TNTOS-
Edited by TNTOS, Nov 15 2013 - 09:59 AM.