Posted Oct 19 2011 - 05:20 PM
We follow the story of a De-Matoran called Tai, his adventure to find the ExiSphere Fragments, and a darker secret yet to be revealed.
So far there is a brief introduction to the world we are brought into. The Island of Miru Exis-Nui. The Great Floating Miracle. When Mata Nui crashed on Aqua Magna, the malfunctioning camoflague system caused the island to have different climates. This island broke off from Mata Nui Island and drifted off into the endless sea. Tai Has yet to learn the true history of his home, and a way back.
But we will get to that
Thoughts, comments, etc.?
axonn, trying to excape my signature
Posted Oct 20 2011 - 09:43 PM
The most noticeable problem is how your chapter is a mass of text. Space out your thoughts, even if one person is narrating. That open line helps to separate different topics.
Next, I want you to look at your review topic post. You're giving me storyline. You're giving me storyline that was nowhere to be found in your story and it wound up here. I recommend removing any story-based info on your epic from the review post and either incorporating it into the epic, or waiting until your character has learned for himself. If you're really set on giving details here, maybe retool and downsize your post until you have a synopsis. Be conservative with what you choose to give away though.
And now we have spelling and grammar. As a rule, elements (and the word elements) are not capitalized. The same goes for landforms that are not specifically named. Keep that in mind. I would ordinarily point out and quote these problems, but your grammatical and spelling issues are fairly prominent. Sweep back through the chapter for yourself, I'm sure you can fix it up in no time.
Okay, so we've touched on the negatives. Again, I want to stress that building from the ground up is no simple matter. You're following a similar formula to islands like Mata Nui and Metru Nui, but giving your epic a life of its own is a lofty task. My advice is to type out your chapters in MS Word or a program that will make note of grammar and spelling issues before you post a chapter. Following the story of a chronicler is one Bionicle has done itself, but if you do it right, you can make it your own. You're only one chapter in, so there's plenty of room for improvement and a lot of potential as to where this story is headed. Best of luck, Astrotorical.
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