5 replies to this topic

[Malevolence]

This is my first story on BZPower. I was iffy on whether it should go in Epics or Comedies, but decided on the latter due to bits of humour and silliness. The first chapter is will within the 300 limit, but it's still a bit short for me, so I promise that future chapters will be longer. (Part of the reason for the shortness is that a previous draft of this story was in 'comic book' format). I'm also using pictures, since the characters and buildings are mostly of my own design. The forum rules didn't say anything against this, so I hope it's okay to use. Finally, here's hoping this is a success!

________________________________

“Hello there! My name is Brick N. Mortar. For several years, there have been many mysteries of this world that I’ve tried hard to solve. I could go into depth on this, but for now, I believe it’d be best to start a little simpler.

“I recently made a trip to the desert region of Sah n Dibum for the sake of my research. I had sent notice ahead to the natives via the UPC, or United Postal Camels for those unfamiliar with the company. I had made it to several other regions of the desert, including the Temple of the Dead Cat, the Alter of the Sacrificial Feline, and an oasis town called Sahd Imboot. Finally, however, my travels brought me to the beautiful village of Sah n Dibum. To continue this story, I will stop talking, and switch into first person past tense, and after the basic facts of the story have been established, I’ll quickly jump to third person. Don’t ask why, it’s just how things work sometimes.”

The natives were friendly, the animals docile, and the architecture beautiful if somewhat scary to be honest. As I strolled down the main road, I passed the Temple of the Untampered Stonehead, a figurine carved only by the forces of mother nature. On the other side was the Serpentine Ceremonial Tomb of Pharaoh Hishyfitt. Natives passing by, and resting by the side of the road sent friendly waves my way, and healthy smiles welcomed me when no words could. This truly was the most friendly and wonderful place in the world.

A small river ran through the town. The source of this river was a large fountain. Many legends have been carved, penned, and sang about this mysterious water source. Luckily, a bridge has been built to make easier the travel from one side to the other.

As I crossed into the other side of town, the pains of hunger quickly came over me. Luckily, a merchant happened to be selling foodstuffs and novelty rubber bands. As I approached, he tore my attention away from the delectable-looking items with a few odd words.

“You’d be wanting to go upstairs, youngster.”

Not even a fishhead was offered to me. With hunger singing out of my stomach, and confusion rattling my brain, I made my way up the rickety stairs. I was greeted at the top by a mysterious and somewhat scary stranger in all black. He ordered me to follow him, and fearing the shimmer of his dagger being sullied by my blood, I complied.

We walked down a hall, into a small room. As my eyes adjusted to the light, I suddenly recognised the figure standing before me. He lovely eyes, her ruby-stained lips. I had met her in some of my previous travels, but we had never really had any deep discussions, or shared much in the way of friendship. Up until now we had always been two ships passing in the night. That was definitely about to change.

“Ms. Priestess!” I shouted, completely unashamed that I didn’t know her proper name, and calling her by her title was the best I could do. “It’s been a long time! I haven’t seen you since we fought that anorexic alligator in the Lake de la Grit.”

“Ms. Priestess, how boring a title that is. It makes me feel very one-dimensional. Call me Kaei, Brick. It is good to see you again, and in one piece, even!”

We exchanged stories of the adventures that had lead us from our last meeting to our current reunion. She had taken the longer route, and still managed to be me. This was partially because she had an aeroplane, while all I had was my old trusty motorcycle.

She had discovered something unusual hiding in one of the temples nearby, but it always managed to hide away before she could clearly notice it. At that point we had no clue what was about to happen.

Across the river and down the road, a native heard something come from Pharaoh Hishyfitt’s tomb, and being fearful of the Pharaoh’s undead wrath, he went in to investigate. That’s when Kaei and I were abruptly ripped from our discussion. We ran out to the balcony, and what came out of the tomb was a horror we’d learn to fear more than death itself.

Can be reviewed here

Edited by Malevolence, Nov 05 2011 - 06:35 PM.

[Gatanui]

This is probably the case in which I enjoyed most approving a topic. Sounds like a very interesting story à la Johny Thunder with some funny references here and there to spice it without taking too much tension from it. The well-taken photos with the movie strip frame are an excellent idea and an essential part of this story. I am sure you put a lot of love and effort into building the scenery. Probably, the story would not be as entertaining without the pictures. Great job, I am really looking forward to the next episode.

One small remark though: This looks rather like an epic than a comedy to me.

~Gata.

Edited by Gatanui, Oct 26 2011 - 01:20 PM.

[Malevolence]

Thanks, Gata. Yes, I really am straddling the border between comedy and epic. I'm working on infusing more humour into it, but the first few chapters are going to be a bit heavy in seriousness because I have to set down the bones for the story. Once I've done that, there'll be more room for humour. If you really think it'd do better in the epics section, I'll gladly stand by and let the mods do what's best.

______________________

“Where are we, Yyt?”

The voice was hideous; a horrible droning voice that was completely devoid of emotion while also conveying such pure unfettered evil. One by one, three of the horrid and bizarre creatures came out of the tomb, scanning their surroundings with a single glowing eye located at the end of a stalk. Everyone stared at them in silent frozen terror, unsure what to make of these metal demons.

“This planet is not in our databases. This Universe is not in our databases. We are lost.”

The last word escaped after a long strained pause. As I watched carefully, I figured out various ways to tell which was talking. The shuddering movement of an eyestalk told me the black being was speaking. They apparently were not used to not knowing precisely where they were. It was something I was envious of.

“That is impossible. He could not have sent us to another universe.” The white one said.

“Do I need to repeat myself, Thar? Did being exiled to another universe affect your aural receptors?”

“What did you just say, Yyt.” The flashing lights on the head informed me that the orange one was speaking.

“I believe, Seik” The words conveyed disbelief; well, as much disbelief as their voices could manage, “that was humour.”

“We are the Daleks! We do not have a concept of humour!”

So they were called Daleks, apparently. I tuned out of the rest of their conversation, because Kaei and I had more pressing problems to deal with. She began rummaging through a treasure chest to find something. Then, something terrible happened.

Two natives had decided to take matters into their own hands. With weapons at the ready, they ran towards the mechanical beasts.

“Who are you?” Shouted one.

“What are you doing here? We are a peaceful people!”

The largest of the Daleks, the all-white one named Thar, moved forward, and in a cold voice, he judged and sentenced them.

“Then you will die the death of a peaceful people.”

That sound. I cannot describe it. A horrible high-pitched whistle rang in the air as Daleks Thar and Seik fired their weapons. The attacking braves screamed out as their bodies melted away, leaving lifeless skeletons in their place.

Seik checked one of the dead bodies, the bizarre eyestalk tilting and twisting. Then his entire head swivelled in a full circle, and his gaze fixed on the fountain. A muffled gasp from Kaei informed me that this was bad.

“Tell me, Brick, how much do you know about UniPortals?” She asked in hushed tones.

“Not a lot, to be honest. I used to live in Brickopolos, and accidentally stumbled upon one, which brought me to this desert. I’ve been trying to research them, but only a few people know they exist.”

She nodded, and produced a circular object from the chest she had been rummaging through. It was gold, with blue gems perfect wrapped around its frame. I had seen these in books. It was a portal key.

“This used to be kept inside the fountain, but I took it away from there. A soothsayer suggested it. Makes me feel guilt to know she was right.”

“Why?”

“I had her killed for fraudulent prophesising, but that’s not important. I’ll distract the Daleks, and you have to get this portal key to the shrine straight ahead.”

And so it began. With key in hand, I made my way down the stairs. Meanwhile, Kaei grabbed a bow and arrow and took aim.

“Hey, Daleks! Let’s see how tough you are!”

With agility and grace she rapidly fired arrows at the Daleks, hitting their eyestalks with awe-inspiring precision. I stopped briefly, noticing a few villagers cowering behind my motorcycle. Narrowly missing being noticed by Yyt, I slid close to them.

“If you go around the back of this temple, you can catch the Daleks by surprise. The Priestess needs your help!”

The nodded in agreement. I exhaled and swallowed the lump in my throat.

“Ugh, the sacrifices I make for beautiful women.”

I switched the motorcycle on, positioned it just right, and let it run off. It slammed right into one of the stone pillars, knocking it down and sending it crashing on top of Thar. His weapon fired as he fell, and narrowly missed Kaei, merely knocking the bow and arrow from her hand. She ran back inside and jumped forward, hurling herself out the window whilst carrying new weapons.

The revolution had begun. Villagers jumped out, throwing the Daleks onto their sides before they could react, Priestess Kaei blocked their lasers with her shield and used her staff to expertly toss them to the side. I decided the time was right and ran for the shrine. Jumping over fallen Daleks, sliding past one distracted by several violent attackers, ever closer to my target.

That horrible sound rang in my ears, and the ground below my foot sizzled loudly. I wasn’t hit, but I was shaken. My feet fumbled and missed their target, and the portal key slipped out of my hand…

…and into the hand of a drunkard pirate? Seriously, that’s what happened, as weird as it sounds.

“Watch your footwork, boy, or you could lose a portal key like this to someone very evil.”

“Not that I want to destroy what is probably a wonderfully triumphant moment for you, but we’re in a bit of a bind here. Do you mind helping us get that portal key set up?”

With no words, he tossed the key in the air, and it landed neatly in the slot it was made to fit.

“The name is White Crabgrass Fields. W.C. Fields for short,” he paused to take a long swig from the bottle in his hand. “I know some things about the Daleks, so you and your moll can follow me if you’re wanting to live long enough to die of old age.”

I turned onto to find that Kaei was right next to me. We jumped and followed the pirate through the portal. It was blinding. Such a brilliant light. When my eyes finally adjusted I found myself on a small wooden ship in the middle of a large ocean. Placed lazily on the floor was a UniPortal, with a key similar to the one we had just used on it.

“Excuse me for a moment.”

Fields activated his personal portal again, vanished, and then re-appeared. He pointed out the ship’s map to Kaei, who obediently went to navigate. He then handed me an oar and walked off, muttering to himself.

“Um, thanks for saving us and all, but don’t we deserve some answers?”

“You get one question per knot,” he grumbled.

“Why did you just re-use the portal?”

“I had a present for those Daleks,” the smirk on his face made me more curious than anything. Who was this weird pirate, and how trustworthy could he be? Those are questions to be answered further down the road of this bizarre journey.

Can be reviewed here

Edited by Malevolence, Nov 05 2011 - 06:41 PM.

[Malevolence]

So, White told us about the Daleks. He had happened to be in the Zezorspace when they appeared. A large oval was floating in the middle of nowhere, so he went to inspect. A top it he had found six Daleks, though none of them resembled those seen in the desert; in fact, none of them resembled anything he’d ever seen in the LegoVerse. They were all smooth and studless.

“Where are we?”

“There is no information.”

It was then that a mysterious glowing orb appeared in the middle of them. Daleks being Daleks decided it was expendable, whatever it may be, so they shot at it. Only sounds of laughter emerged from the orb.

“You Daleks are just as dumb as the first time I met you. See, I tricked your good old foe into using a weapon that would teleport you all into my own universe. I have a theory I’d like to test out. You Daleks find yourselves to be so perfect, but I don’t allow perfection in my universe.”

There was a brilliant flash, and the Daleks were now like every other being in the LegoVerse.

“What have you done to us?”

“I have made you better, and worse. I have given you and your brothers emotions, and all the other qualities Davros once stole from your ancestors. I’ve given your bodies and minds the necessary elements to overcome these changes without the risk of insanity. But I’ve kept your original essense of evil intact, to see how you cope with it. Oh, and you now resemble everyone else in the LegoVerse, so don’t bump into anything hard or something is liable to snap off.”

The brilliant orb vanished, and the Daleks were left to ponder this on their own. Then, one of the Daleks began reacting to a surge of some sort.

“We are in the LegoVerse. It is a planet comprised of different realms connected only to the others via UniPortals.”

The others reacted with as much interest as their emotionless metal bodies could communicate.

“Each realm holds a special treasure. He who wields this treasure, wields the realm.”

“Then our purpose is clear! We will steal these treasures and rule the LegoVerse!”

“There is more…” Said the Dalek who apparently doubled as an oracle.

“What is it, speak.”

“The Emperor Dalek is alive and trapped in one of the realms.”

_________________________________

“And so, the Daleks are now ruthlessly using whatever methods possibly to travel across the LegoVerse, steal the treasures of the worlds, and lay siege to the entire planet.”

Kaei and Brick stared at White in shock. The information they had just been given was almost too much for their little plastic heads to contain. Finally, Brick opened his mouth and asked the most important question he could think of.

“So wait a minute, the LegoVerse is actually a planet?”

“That it be, boy. That it be. The creator himself gave the Daleks the information, so it’s bound to be far more accurate than anything we’d know.”

“So, we live on something that is far more like a planet, with lots of inter-connected regions that are all reachable without the need for space travel or anything like that, and yet we call it a universe? That seems like a rather odd logic to use.”

“If you want to complain about it, go on the internet and make a rant about it.”

“What?”

“What?”

So, White Crabgrass Fields, W.C. Fields for short, navigated through the trans-dimensional ocean, looking for a portal key he’d left on a very small rock a few months ago. Kaei and Brick silently shared the thought that he had probably put it on a fish and it’d never be found again.

“There it is!” His raspy voice broke out in a cheerful croak.

Brick rowed their boat to the location White pointed out, and the thickly bearded ruffian fished the portal key out of the water, an octopus stubbornly clinging to it. A few shakes quickly loosened the obstinate octopus. It’d take more than a few shakes to free them from the equally obstinate pirate, though.

There was a sudden flash, and sudden the grey waters that surrounded them were blue. Nearby was a beach and a dock. A few short rows and the ship was close enough for them to hop onto the dock. White was first, followed by Kaei. Brick was last to come out, wondering if he could bath in the sea water and change out of his dirty clothes. He’d been fishing in them, chased by alligators, and even more. Along the beach was a tall sturdy wall, A few metres away, the wall melded into a large ornamental gate. White observed their surroundings before finally speaking.

“AH! We’re on the forest island of Mouldi Pheats. This is where the peaceful tribe of Nin live.”

No sooner had the words escaped White’s mouth, than a sudden rush of colour wrapped around the three travellers. Men cloaked in red and black robes, with covered faces brandished weapons at their necks, completely surrounding them. Knee-jerking to this sudden attack, Kaei drew a ceremonial knife from her belt and swung viciously at one of the attackers. Just as he was about to respond with the sharp end of a spear, a clear melodical voice rang out from the distance.

“STOP! Leave them alone. They’re safe, look at their skin.”

Everything froze, and the robed figures backed away from the three, bowing in silent apology. Walking towards them was another robed man, in white and gold attire. He slowly removed his head cover, long brown hair falling lazily, framing his handsome face.

“I apologise for the violence, but it is necessary in these days. Please, come with me, eat and refresh yourself.”

They had freshwater, so the travellers could bathe and wash their clothes. Brick was the only of the three with another change of clothing. After sharing a meal with the natives, they sat with the leader in the skull-faced cave, and spoke.

“Our village has been stolen from us. We are outcasts living on the beach, trying to take back the village that is rightfully ours.”

“Who has taken it from you,” Kaei asked, brushing a hand casually through her hair.

“Fleshifigs.”

“You, the amazingly athletic and brave Nins are outcast by Fleshifigs?” Chortled White.

“They are soulless, evil savages, but they are not complete fools, Fields,” This was the first time we’d heard anyone refer to White by his surname. “They also did not work alone. They were aided by a very powerful being. They believe it to be a god.”

“A god that aids fleshifigs, I’ve heard it all.” Kaei said, in a shockingly cold moment unlike her in all senses.

“Do you happen to know the name of this ‘god’ m’lord?” White asked, carefully choosing a title for the man who had not given us his name.

“He has referred to himself as Dalek Ueti.”

The three travellers stared at each other in cold fear. A Dalek. It was a Dalek who had teamed up with the fleshifigs, and stolen a village from this peaceful people. Dozens of thoughts flew through their heads. To run, to flee, to leave these people to their certain deaths and just move on and pretend nothing ever happened. But it was a single thought that resonated between them loud enough that it muted all others.

“Let’s take back the village.”

Can be reviewed here

Edited by Malevolence, Nov 05 2011 - 06:42 PM.

[Toa of Nerds]

Very unique and interesting concept. I can tell that you really put a lot of work into this story. I'll keep reading. However, I do think this really is an epic that's sometimes funny, not a comedy that's sometimes serious. It's clear that the story is the backbone of this; not the laughs.

-don't touch my pocket protector

[Captain Lavender]

Moved to Epics per request of topic starter