Posted Nov 24 2011 - 09:27 AM
Life is a Blank. That's an interesting title, but I can't seem to understand how it plays into your epic just yet. Maybe I'll understand when its truly finished.
Looking at your story though, this is a rarity. Giving such human qualities (blood, hair, reproduction, etc.) to regularly biomechanical life forms is seldom seen around here, and much less often done well. And then of course, you're overlooking the specific gender given to each Matoran element, giving us male Ga-Matoran and female Le-Matoran and such. And so despite how unorthodox this "Blank New World" seems to be, I can appreciate certain aspects of it.
From what I could gather, we have a Great Spirit who is less than he claims to be, a legion of Toa that serve him, a legion of Matoran that serve those Toa, and a rebellion that operates outside the law. Like most premises, this is nothing new, but how you go about displaying it to the reader can be far more important.
Regrettably, your presentation comes across as vague at times. Chapters will open with a "him" or a "her" going about their work, finally addressed by a comrade or familiar and we learn their name. This can become a tad confusing now and again. Not to mention some of the characters lacking in development. Obviously, characters from the official storyline need no introduction. They deserve the same attention, but readers will generally have an idea of their attitude and disposition. It's those homegrown entities (Gyet, Leyana, Kendral, etc.) that really need to have their time in the spotlight, so the reader can get a better sense of who the name belongs to.
That sums up any shortcomings I ran across in this epic. While a lot of the story is mental thought and dialogue, the events play out nicely. It isn't often I get nine chapters into a story without running into a fight scene, but you're doing fine without them.
I must admit, I like the note on cause and effect that Stave 9 ends on. It's a thoughtful moment in an otherwise straightforward story thus far. Not that being direct is bad, I think I just have a soft spot for pensive philosophy.
Overall, this is a solid effort for what appears to be your first epic here. The story has a level flow to it, and manages to hold interest from one chapter to the next. I'm sure the remainder of this work will not disappoint.