Edited by spyder ryder, Nov 10 2011 - 07:36 PM.
The Jester's RevengeGrimm Fairy Tales
Posted Nov 04 2011 - 07:20 PM
Posted Nov 05 2011 - 07:43 AM
I think you should delete the "very", but tha's the only thing I could find.
Because very no one would put up with her.
Credit for the avatar and banner goes to Shattered Mask Productions.
Posted Nov 10 2011 - 01:34 AM
All who met her would be awed by her flawless appearance.Her flawless appearance awed all who met her.
Indeed, it seemed that nobody could ever remember being happy.Indeed, no one could ever remember being happy.
The queen would mercilessly berate herThe queen mercilessly berated her.
The door was finally answered by the servant girl, who was a young, meek-looking Vortixx.The servant girl - a young, meek-looking Vortixx - finally answered the door.
There is nothing grammatically wrong with the way that you've structured these sentences, but they aren't very gripping and are fairly uninteresting. Having strong sentences is key to creating an engaging tale. Beyond just avoiding passive voice, you could also employ other literary tools - hyperbole, vivid descriptions, etc. - to really grab your reader's attention. Make them want to read your story. Reel them in with every passing word.There were some pretty implausible plot twists, such as the servant girl becoming ruler (the queen dies and the throne automatically goes to her lowest slave?), but considering that this is a "Brother's Grimm"-style story, I won't fault you for that. Seriously, was there ever a fairy tale that was plausible?Now, for the things I did like.Your take on the Bionicle lore was very intriguing, and your "Brothers Grimm" style helped the story immensely. It was a fun story to read; I loved your portrayal of Roodaka as the merciless dictator and Vezon as the mysterious jester. The characters were one-note but they were enjoyable and fulfilled their purpose well. I'm also a sucker for revenge tales, so I was immensely satisfied to see Roodaka get her comeuppance at the end. I also loved how you chose to off Roodaka; the ghost didn't simply kill her with his "spirit"-powers or something stupid like that, he tickled her, making her seem insolent to Makuta, who then killed her. The jester got his vengeance in a delicious twist of irony, which I appreciated.Overall, this was a delightful little tale. It wasn't exactly deep, and it had its fair share of cliches and frothiness, but it entertained me. Well done.
Most doubt that she ever really had oneTruth is, she never really had one.
Edited by TheMightyFighty, Nov 10 2011 - 01:35 AM.
Wait, you're not voting for
in RPG Contest #23?
I bet you're one of those guys who thinks JapaDogs aren't delicious.
Newsflash: They are.
Also I refuse to change this signature because BaR's awesomeness is as eternal as my laziness.
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