Posted Nov 04 2011 - 08:40 PM
Short Stories Contest #8
Vezon looked up from his underground cell. So this is what he got. He saved Mata Nui on more than one occasion, and he got locked up by the Order. Talk about disrespect.
"At least you could give me a snack," he yelled to the guard.
"You've been asking for a snack ever since you finished your second breakfast," the guard yelled back down. "And that was five minutes ago."
Vezon shrugged and sat back down. Disrespect. One of the world's greatest heroes (and only half of that was his ego speaking) was holed up in an Order of Mata Nui (whom he served) prison with gruff guards and no snack after second breakfast. The world would just fall apart without him. If there was a world to go back to.
"Can I speak to someone in charge?" Vezon asked.
"No, we have better things to do," the guard sighed. "You're going to be treated just like any other prisoner we've held here."
"So can I at least speak to Helryx?"
"I said no, didn't I?"
"Well, at least consider it."
The guard pretended to think for a moment. "Hm, ah, yeah, maybe. Lemme see. No."
"At least you considered," Vezon said, sitting back down.
Well, at least he still had his ego. Maybe there was a way to escape and return to a kinder world where people might appreciate him for saving Mata Nui. No matter how much he argued with the guard about his rights, he got nowhere. This was pointless. There was no escape, and that foolish Helryx was keeping him cooped up in this Karzahni-hole for no good reason.
Now that his mind had wandered, he found he couldn't stop thinking about his captor. He didn't imagine all the possible ways he might get revenge on Helryx, but instead, he just imagined her standing in a field of flowers with a smile on her face.
It was then that Vezon fully accepted he was insane. And maybe the world had begun to fall apart already.
"I need to see Helryx," Vezon called up once more, his voice hoarse with yelling at the guard.
"For the thousandth time, NO!" the guard growled, smacking the grate.
"You don't understand," Vezon said. "I need to see her. Just once."
"I'm gonna file a complaint if you don't quiet down."
So it was a Toa who was guarding him. They didn't come into cells to rough prisoners up, they filed complaints. Maybe if enough complaints were filed, Helryx would have to come down. Case solved.
"So go file a complaint," Vezon challenged.
"Maybe I will," the guard shot back.
"Well go ahead. I'm not stopping you."
"I'm going to go up, and get Helryx, and she's going to kick your head into the wall."
There was a clunking of footsteps as the guard trudged down the hall. Several minutes later, the clunking returned. The grate opened, and Helryx, escorted by several guards walked down the fold-out staircase.
"What do you want, Vezon?" she asked.
"I just needed to see you," Vezon sighed.
"Why?" she interrogated him. "I heard you were making quite the racket down here. What's that all about?"
"I said, I needed to see you," Vezon repeated.
"Well, that's not much of an excuse," Helryx scorned him. "Do you need anything important?"
"Is the world falling apart outside?" Vezon asked.
"Somewhat," she answered. "Society is degrading, and there seems to be a panic. We're not sure why. There's not much of a threat yet."
"Maybe the world just isn't the same without me," Vezon laughed.
"I told you about his ego," a familiar voice sighed. It was his cell guard.
"I know about his ego," Helryx said, closing her eyes. "It's gotten him into plenty of trouble before."
"And that trouble saved the world," Vezon corrected. "Now I'm here, and you're not letting me out because I'm a bigger hero than you, right?"
"You're in here because you're dangerously insane," Helryx snapped.
Vezon looked her in the eyes. "You feel the same way too." It wasn't a question, it was a fact.
She looked away. "So what if I do. And if the world is falling apart outside, it's not because of your egotistical theory."
"When did it all begin?" Vezon asked.
"Well, a few hours after we put you in this cell, but that was a coincidence," she answered. "Besides, that was weeks ago. Lots of things happened on that day."
"Maybe the world needs me and my insanity," Vezon put in. "And maybe you just put me down here to repress your feelings for me. You ever think about that?"
"Every day!" she burst out. "You're right about everything. The world needs you, you're a hero, and I love you but I don't want to. I put you down here, and the Matoran and Agori started fighting because you weren't there, and it's all my fault."
There was silence in the cell. Helryx gestured for the guards to leave them. Once they were gone, she fell to her knees, sobbing. Vezon knelt to comfort her.
"Let it out," Vezon said, softly. "Are you ready to let me out?"
"I guess so," Helryx said, between sobs.
"Are you ready for a relationship with a totally insane, over-egotistical, morally flawed Skakdi?" he asked.
"I suppose," she said, wiping her eyes.
Vezon smiled and helped her up the stairs. "So a world is in fractures because you didn't want to fall in love with your worst enemy and best friend," he said. "It doesn't work like that. Not even if you're the head of an all-powerful Order of protectors. The world needs me, and you thought that you didn't. Well, I love you too. You need to learn to accept your feelings, not crush them beneath the lies of how you want to feel, rather than how you do feel."
Their eyes met for a moment.
"I can't believe I'm being lectured by the Skakdi I've loathed ever since I first heard of him," Helryx laughed. "And now, I'm in love with him, and he's right."
"Let's put the world back together," Vezon suggested. "And I know a great restaurant in New Atero. What do you say about dinner?"
Helryx put her head on Vezon's shoulder as they walked out of the building. "I'd like that," she said.
Solaris: Electric Sentinel: Fluidic Master Nuva. It's... ALL ADJECTIVES!
Posted Nov 05 2011 - 09:55 PM
That has to be the strangest Short Story I've ever read. And that's hardly an exaggeration.
From a grammar standpoint, there are no glaring errors. Everything seems correct and in-order in that respect.
However, the romance here is hardly believable. For one, it's barely alluded to at the beginning of the story, and it's simply thrown in the reader's face and barely addressed at the end. There's no build-up, no tension, and no payoff. There's simply a linear narrative featuring two-dimensional characters that have no weight or emotional impact. This is a very interesting concept you have here, but you didn't really take the time to flesh it out.
Plus, the story has a stark lack of descriptions. I realize that descriptions aren't entirely necessary, but they can add a lot of immersion when they're used effectively. Your story painfully lacks immersive qualities: deep characters, vivid descriptions, intriguing plot, etc.
There is one saving grace, however, and that's in the dialogue. Vezon's lines are punchy and, at times, quite humorous. Things get a little cheesy and unrealistic near the end, but most of the dialogue at the beginning is well-written.
Overall, I'd give this story a 2/5. It's a quirky little one-shot, but it's too discombobulated and it fails on a number of levels.
Wait, you're not voting for
in RPG Contest #23?
I bet you're one of those guys who thinks JapaDogs aren't delicious.
Newsflash: They are.
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Posted Nov 06 2011 - 01:47 PM
Otherwise, it kinda seems to me more like it should be a comedy. *Shrug* Sorry if I come across as a little harsh, but aside from what I've said I think all I can do is point you to the post above mine.
Edited by Bite My Shiny Metal Armour, Nov 06 2011 - 01:47 PM.
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